My Life or the Lack There-of Options

[SPEAKERfortheLOS...]

Ok, so I've never actually had anything to post here before of my own. I guess fate finally caught up with me...

I have been having a growing set of issues with my college/university career. I started two and a half years ago with all intent in the world to succeed in graduating college with a degree or two in Computer Science/Security. At first I did alright. I had some issues but thats par for the first semester/year of college. I continued on with high hopes for the future. I ended up walking away from my uni in PA because I could no longer afford to attend there but there were so many other reasons. I was sick and tired of (pardon my language here) the goddamn rat bastards that ran the place and their politics. I transferred back to my hometown in FL to the local community college so that I could finish my Liberal Arts/General Education courses. After a semester I am back to the same place that I was before I returned to FL. I have no desire to go back this semester. I have given up. I feel like most of my professors have decided to get caught up in too much politics to actually care about what they are teaching or their students. But at the same time, the handful of professors that I like - the ones that don't politik - they make me want to continue. To meet another professor or professors just like them. But these professors are few and rare.

Now because of my lack of enthusiasm, my grades have been poor in the classes that I didn't have a good professor in. My parents have noticed these grades and aren't happy to say the least. My father makes remarks about how I have decided to live a mediocre life. I have come to the point where I am about to just walk away from everything. Here I am, an Eagle Scout, a highly trained and certified computer network administrator, a Red Cross instructor and I have no goals or plan. Three years ago I was an unstoppable force of nature, you can ask anyone that knew me then. Now, I can't say that I am anything but a generic humanoid carbon-based bag of salt-water.

I know that there is so very much that has been left out of this post - there just isn't enough time for me to collect everything and put it in one post. Just ask if you want to know more.

So, I come before you, Matazone, and ask this: Where should I go now? What is there for me to do?

[Novander]

I dropped out of uni as all my plans and goals fell away from me. I had to go back and live with my parents for a while and I got very depressed. Eventually I realised all my friends were still in Norwich - the city I went to university in - and that I'd rather be depressed there than depressed alone, so I moved back and things started getting a lot better.

Forget about jobs and training and whatnot for a second and look at the people around you, as they're the ones that are going to make you feel better. You've clearly got skills (possibly also skillz) so wherever you are you'll eventually find something that interests you enough to get that unstoppable willpower back. Where are you happy not doing anything in particular, but just being there? That's where you should go.

[CrazyFooIAintGet...]

Your father is an idiot. Ignore him (to whatever extent that is possible).

It's ok if you don't have any long term goals at the moment, but I think you should continue with your degree as it would be a shame to not get any recognition for the work you have done, and I don't think you should limit your options for the future. Bad grades suck, but I'm sure you can salvage something from it if you get motivated again - have you talked to anyone at the college about your grades? Maybe one of the professors you have a good relationship could give you advice if there's nobody else you can talk to.

For dealing with bad classes/professors the best thing you can do is find other students who are in the same position as you and study together.

Also, it sounds like your depression is making your problems a lot worse. If you haven't already, consider checking out what support is available to you through the school and let your parents know how you are feeling, and that them bugging you about grades etc is not helping.

[LoLo]

You sound a bit lost and that's completely understandable. I don't know the scope of this, so if I put this in too general a sense that's probably why. What I found when I was going to school was that if I didn't like a teacher, I just had to figure out what it was I needed to do to get through the class. This of course is easier said than done in some cases. Since you are just focusing on your general ed, you could always just drop the class with the teacher that you don't like and try another teacher another time. It gets a bit harder to do that once you get into your major classes, because then you have to deal with the same teachers over and over again. For me, my final 2 years were classes rotating between the same 5 professors and every once in awhile getting an outside teacher that taught the night courses part time that those 5 didn't want to teach. If it's that your teachers political views are getting in the way of you listening to what it is in their course that is being taught outside of their views, then perhaps transferring to an area where the views more match your own and you don't mind them as much, might be a solution. Personally I think that sounds more like an excuse for not enjoying being in college and finding a way to vent about it.

With that said it sounds to me like you might need some time off from school. Also time off might be beneficial, because if you're not doing well in your classes now due to your current state of mind, you may end up having to just take them over anyway. Perhaps you can find yourself a job to help you survive for the moment while you clear your mind and figure out exactly what it is that you want to do with your life. You don't have to find something to be your career right yet. If you get a job for survival just keep in mind that it's a job for survival not a job for the rest of your life. You can always go back to college at a later time, and well frankly if you're going to a community college, those are even easier to get back into than the full blown university. I took 3 years off from college to find myself and once I went back I found it easier to deal with and a new found respect for college. I also went the route of community college and then to the university because I could afford the classes better and community college classes are easier to fit to a part time schedule because there is stuff in the day or the night that you can make work.

Don't be upset if you don't know exactly what you want to do right now, you don't have to have it all figured out. I know people can make you feel like a total loser if you don't know what it is that you are going to do with the rest of your life, but honestly who really does know that? You can think you have things 100% figured out for your future and things change. This is a broad generalization here, but I don't think most people end up doing exactly what it is they thought they were going to be doing when they set out on their path. The future is every changing, as are you and your likes, goals, interests, so not having everything figured out is ok because that may not be what you want to do in a few more years.

[Yannick]

I think you should finish up this semester (or did it just end?) and then take a semester off max to think about what you want to do. If you decide you want to finish college (I recommend this option), then if you're unhappy in your current area, like LoLo said - transfer. I don't know much about where you're at, but up here we have UCF/Valencia, a little further north is UF, and over in Sandford (maybe?) is Seminole Community College. All should be fairly easy to get into.

Just don't quit on yourself. You're almost halfway done.

[elphaba2]

Oh man. Bad professors ought to be spending their time doing more productive things, like a sexually demeaning act involving my lady-business. I feel your pain so very much. There really isn't anything more demotivating than a lousy professor, and my parents, like yours, seem not to realize the tremendous effect this has on students. My advice? Stick to the book. Ignore the prof. If you can do well without it, don't go to class. Learn what you need to learn (and what you want to be learning--you're not in school to study "dicking around university politics" unless it's the Pennsylvania College of Crazy Bullshit that you attend).

To echo Nov, are you happy in your life in PA? Were you happier in Florida? Why? If these professors are the only thing holding you back, f*ck 'em. They don't deserve to have that large an effect on your life. If it's something else, take a look at it. What can you change? (it is embarrassing to admit, because I am a hippie, but I dig this man's words) Who can you surround yourself with to better enjoy school? Do you like the other cats and dogs in your program? Go snarf a pint or a pizza with em and trash-talk that preening prof who's too involved in power struggles to teach you a thing or two thousand about, em, circuits. And, uh, programming

Basically--life is dope! There are so many awesome things to do all of the time but the catch is that it's super f'ing easy not to do ANYTHING because of some mental block. Or some variant of environment. Or some stray word. I worry that home can be a miasma sometimes, kind of a swampy comfort-cave where you're actually really unhappy but are so stuporous that you can't really do anything about it. And once you lose momentum, it's pretty tough to get it back. So. Don't get caught up in those scary mind-spirals of OH MY GOD WHAT AM I DOING AHH MY FUTURE AND PARENTS AND THE IRS AND AHH. Breathe a lot. Catch yourself before those vulturific anxiety-worries descend and tell em to go get intimate with a duck. I bet you'll wake up pretty soon and know what you want to do.

[SPEAKERfortheLOS...]

I. Love. You. Guys. And. Gals.

I think I actually smiled today while reading through your responses... I haven't done that for a while. Thank you.

I have decided to finish this semester out. If all goes well, I should have my associates degree at the end of it. Hopefully by that point I will have some sort of plan or at least have the summer to figure out a plan for the future.

Thank you all again.

[Daria]

The only think I can see that was missing from what everyone said (which I would only echo) is this:

HUGS!

[Mata]

I think you're making the right choice to get the associates degree. An education is never wasted because it doesn't always change your life immediately but it does give you more options later on.

It's something that my housemate sometimes struggles with, the big question of 'where am I going?' and I believe it's because he struggles to separate himself from his job. My answer has always been that I am not my job, I am not what I do for a living, I am who I choose to be, I am defined by both my actions and my thoughts: just because I work for a living it does not mean that I am the person who works in the office. I look at work as a way to support who I am outside of work and the things I want to achieve.

... And that does still leave the question of what you do want to achieve. Personally I'd highly recommend working your arse off in a dead end job, spending no money for six months, then going travelling. What's the one thing you have never, and probably will never, hear anyone say? 'Man, I wish I'd never bothered travelling and seeing the world. The people were so boring, the places so dull. What a waste of time and money!' I never had the chance with the way my education worked, and I regret that I didn't get the chance before I got into a career path.

I used to know a small group of people who spent their lives working rubbish jobs for six months of the year then living lke kings in India for the next six - that's all they did! What a great life - they always knew that they were saving for something, working to see the wonderful country of India in style, then while they were out there they knew they'd earned their time. They had no direction, no plan, but they were some of the happiest people I've met.

I find a direction through creating, so I think about stories often, I wonder what to do next with the painting I'm working on. It used to be my education that did that for me, and my work was always the means to the end of supporting my studies.

It can be really tough to try and find a sense of direction, and that might be why so few people find it. Most people never really get it. Some people seem to find children give them a sense of purpose and they wonder what they did before kids came along - I couldn't vouch for that, personally I feel it's better to get some sense of who you are before you start shaping new people, but many people find it works for them. Others find the voluntary work with charities gives them a feeling of wellbeing.

It's something that you can find for yourself, but there is a secret - there is no hurry. Learn to enjoy the moments you are living now rather than worrying about the future or the past. When you drink a mug of tea, really enjoy the tea. The air is frosty - watch the cloud from your breath. It's a rainy night - look at the way the light shines from the branches of the trees and listen to the sound of tyres on the road. You're in your room - feel clean sheets on your bed against your skin, the seclusion of closing your curtains and th door, or throw everything open and marvel at the enormity of the sky. When you cook - how about adding something spicy, or a new herb, or try a new type of fish, learn a new receipe. Breathe deeply. Keep breathing deeply, feel your chest rising and falling, feel the air flowing inside you.

You are an amazing creature, we all are, absolutely unique, the result of millions of years of evolution, and now we have a weight of cultural pressure saying 'you have to make something of your life', well, screw that. Why make something of your life, why do we need a grand plan when we all know plans often go completely off the rails? Enjoy the moments, make a plan, get a goal, head for it, but if it doesn't happen then enjoy the journey to wherever it's taking you. Education was a plan, it didn't go right to begin with, but that doesn't mean that it will all go that way. There's an infinite range of options out there, so many that it's hard to pick one. There's no hurry, just enjoy each moment then work up to finding a path to explore.