 Small Piece of a Story |
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 Jun 12 2006, 04:02 PM
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#1
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 Lord of the Keys  Group: Established Members Posts: 2,197 Joined: 1-October 04 From: Wonderful-smelling dwelling in French-Canada Member No.: 1,329 Gender: Female  |
Hello everyone. I have no plans to make this a habit, but I've written this fragment of something and am curious to see what you folks might think. It's short, I swear!
---- If you walk in my school before the bell rings all the cripples come out. There's the boy with the neck-brace neck, the crutched ones limping towards more extreme field hockey careers, the cerebral palsy twins. They flood the hallways and search each other's faces. Behind them creep backpack kids, loaded with too much stuff already, embarrassed with their inappropriately functional legs. Briefly, they're all you can see. Row after row of weak-kneed kids with the walkers, whitefaced kids with the pain of broken legs etched below the skin still. If you were walking in my school before the bell, you'd call CPS. ---- Thoughts? -------------------- can I kiss your dopamine? In a way I wonder if she's living in a magazine |
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Jun 12 2006, 08:32 PM
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#2
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 Dirty Laundry Group: Established Members Posts: 3,191 Joined: 7-January 05 From: By London Member No.: 1,573 Gender: Female |
More story please!
This is great. -------------------- Emma <3 James <3
"Music is a moral law. It gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, a charm to sadness, gaiety and life to everything. It is the essence of order, and leads to all that is good, just and beautiful, of which it is the invisible, but nevertheless dazzling, passionate, and eternal form." - Plato |
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Jun 12 2006, 08:42 PM
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#3
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Oxymoronic Tonic Group: Established Members Posts: 281 Joined: 1-June 06 From: Manchester Member No.: 2,438 Gender: Female |
OoOoOh this is good!
Now I want MORE MORE MOOORRREE *cough* Ok i am calm now But seriously it is good. --------------------  |
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Jun 13 2006, 04:23 PM
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#4
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 Don't do that. Group: Established Members Posts: 2,270 Joined: 13-March 05 From: Richmond , London, UK Member No.: 1,683 Gender: Male |
Thats some strong work you've got there. Keep it up
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Jun 16 2006, 11:18 PM
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#5
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Lord of the Keys Group: Established Members Posts: 2,197 Joined: 1-October 04 From: Wonderful-smelling dwelling in French-Canada Member No.: 1,329 Gender: Female |
*blushes, pulls woolen cap over eyes*
Thankee. I have some more of it, but don't have it on hand to post right now. I like all of your compliments a lot, too, but what should I fix? -------------------- can I kiss your dopamine? In a way I wonder if she's living in a magazine |
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Jun 17 2006, 01:00 PM
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#6
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 The Key of Joy is disobedience. Group: Established Members Posts: 2,093 Joined: 4-May 04 From: The UK of GB and NI. Member No.: 1,102 Gender: Male |
It's interesting. Just one possible suggestion: is the first sentence implying that one is entering the school slightly before school begins, or something else. It just seemed a little on the ambiguous side to me. Also one day I shall finish reading your nanowrimo story.
-------------------- Waiting for a superhero intervention |
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Jun 20 2006, 12:57 AM
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#7
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 Golden-Eyed Commander of Wishes Group: New Members Posts: 36 Joined: 4-December 05 From: Texas Member No.: 2,146 Gender: Female |
f you walk in my school before the bell rings all the cripples come out.
"You" tends to weaken a piece. If it's at all possible to avoid it, you should try it. example: - You never know what might happen - becomes - It's unpredictable. - No one could resist that. - becomes - It's irresistable. et cetera. That's really the only thing that caught my eye. You have a strong writing voice and I wouldn't mind reading more of this, if you have it. -------------------- I do it Girl, Interrupted style.
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