Someone To Run To., Incl:loneliness,illness,family,friends Options

[MistressAlti]

I'm sorry, Hobbes. Long distance hugs in order. *hugs*

Try not to feel too much stress on yourself to do one thing or the other right now. Do whatever you feel comfortable doing, and if that's living life as best you can then that's as good as anything else.

[I_am_the_best]

I'm so sorry to hear this Hobbes. Although I've never been in such situation, I think that maybe one day you should also celebrate her life rather than mourn her death? Just a suggestion that was in my head. *hug*

[Faerieryn]

Once again, thanks for all your kind thoughts.

At the moment, much of the funeral has been organised (next Thursday). My dad has got onto everything so quickly, it is unbelievable. He's cancelling things here, moving things there, arranging other things elsewhere. I know why this is: because he wants, nay, needs, to keep busy. Whenever he has a moment to just sit back, he feels himself getting upset - so he's up and at it again. This is how my father is, and I don't mind that at all. I just hope he doesn't suddenly crash down after the funeral, when everything is over.

My own feelings are mixed and confused. I know that everyone has their own way of getting through bereavement, and nobody copes the same way. Yet it is still difficult to understand how I feel. I cried a lot when I saw my mum in hospital on her last day, breathing with the mask on. And I cried a lot after she took her final breath. But I've not cried since we left the hospital. I've occasionally felt like it, but haven't. And I've just... got on with life.

I feel bad for doing so. Guilty, I suppose. I'll watch some comedy on television, or eat a lot, or feel like playing squash, etc. Just the usual stuff. I feel like I should be sitting in one place, eating nothing, going nowhere, and crying all day. But I don't. Perhaps I am the same as my father... just get on with things.

When my grandfather died, I didn't feel anything at all really until the end of the funeral. Then I cried. (I wasn't with him when he died)

But it doesn't make me feel better for not feeling worse.

When my grandmother died I was away at uni. I went home for one day and then returned to school to complete my coursework. Everyone told me to get an extension but I just couldn't do it. I HAD to finish my work. That was all I had on my mind. That and the fact that I was singing at her funeral. I actually organised an extra singing lesson with my teacher in order for me to do it well. On the day I had a huge argument with my sister which again gave me something else to think about. Loss and pain are sometimes too hard to deal with. Keeping busy allows you to choose the time when you are able to grieve (to a point) and also gives you time to reflect on what has just happened to you.

My deepest sympathy and big hugs to you and your family Hobbes

[pgrmdave]

I...wish I could say something poignant, something that would really have meaning, but all I can say is, I'm sorry that you and your family had to go through this, and I offer you my sympathy.

[CrazyFooIAintGet...]

My own feelings are mixed and confused. I know that everyone has their own way of getting through bereavement, and nobody copes the same way. Yet it is still difficult to understand how I feel. I cried a lot when I saw my mum in hospital on her last day, breathing with the mask on. And I cried a lot after she took her final breath. But I've not cried since we left the hospital. I've occasionally felt like it, but haven't. And I've just... got on with life.

I feel bad for doing so. Guilty, I suppose. I'll watch some comedy on television, or eat a lot, or feel like playing squash, etc. Just the usual stuff. I feel like I should be sitting in one place, eating nothing, going nowhere, and crying all day. But I don't. Perhaps I am the same as my father... just get on with things.

You shouldnt feel guilty, I was the same, until the funeral I didnt feel anything, like not really believing what had happened. I dont think theres anything wrong with doing usual stuff, as long as you dont stress yourself even more trying to keep busy. (I got sent home from my saturday job for crying at customers)

[Ashbless]

*Hugs Hobbes*

It'll take time.

*Hugs Hobbes again*

[Hobbes]

Just a couple of days until the funeral.

All the surfaces in our living room are absolutely covered with cards from people. "Sorry to hear of your loss," "With sympathy," "Such sadness at this time,". So many cards, it is a surprise every day when another one arrives. But it is nice.

My sister and I are currently in the process of making a photographic display board of my mother's life, to be put up at the wake following the funeral. Hopefully, it will be nice. I can imagine it will spark a few tears - it sparked many in my sister whilst we made it.

I seem to still be relatively okay at the moment. I just feel like I'm in a continual dream. But I am kept relatively occupied (gone back to work, arrangements to make, things to do, etc).

Thank you all for your hugs and sympathetic words.

[Pab]

Does the term "shell-shocked" apply?

[Hobbes]

Does the term "shell-shocked" apply?

Very much so

[patback87]

Kind of late, but I know whats its like to lose someone like that I had 3 Great Aunts and 1 Great uncle all die with in a month of each a other a few years back. One of them I was very close with and it is hard to watch that person struggle to live, although to make a little light of it my Aunt knew she was dying and would often say when the nurses asked if she was ok "I'm dying!" I do miss her alot but she was very old 92 if I remember correctly. It was kind of like they were lonely with out each other, the one I was the closest to was the 2nd to last to go, she in her younger years had been the one that took care of everyone, it was almost as if she had no one to take care of anymore and she felt her job was done in a sense, if that makes any sense.

[Mata]

Does the term "shell-shocked" apply?

Very much so

Don't feel bad about that. We all deal with things in different ways and (important bit) when we're ready to do so.

I've often thought that the mind has sort-of lock-out system, so that when things get really bad, or confusing, or anything too strong for us to comprehend immediately, that we shut down a little and go onto cruise control. It comes back when we are ready for it. I lost two friends in a fire many years ago, and it was a long time before I could make sense of what had happened in my head. It sounds like you are going on with your life, which I think is the best way of dealing with this. Your mother wouldn't want you to suffer, so just keep rolling until you're ready, whenever that may be. I still feel sad about the loss of my friends, but I know that stopping my own life because of what happened would have annoyed them.

[pgrmdave]

I've experianced that 'numbness' a few times. The most intense time, I remember sitting on the edge of my bed, staring at my wall, and getting up two hours later, not even having noticed that time went by. Other times, it's just like I'm on auto-pilot, just doing what I need to and not thinking about anything. I asked my therapist about it a few years ago, and he explained that it was quite normal, and that the mind, when it suffers a severe enough shock, will soften all emotions, and make people feel like they aren't feeling. After a while, the numbness goes away, and the pain will be there, but it will be when you are ready to handle it.

[spiffilicious05]

*hugs*

I don't know in particular what religion you are, or if this either matters to you but you and your family are in my family's prayers.

*hugs*

[Jonman]

I don't know how I missed this thread over the last few weeks, but I'd just like to add my sincere condolences. Deaths in the family quite simply suck arse.

I wish you and your family many good things, Hobbes.

[little_bear]

Man, Hobbes, I'll just say this: *hugs*

How you can cope, I don't know. For someone of my age, you have my utmost respect for having such a strong character and being able to carry on (to a certain degree) after something as awful as a death in the family has happened.

Hobbes, my thoughts are with you.

[ravein]

Jesus Hobbes, I am so sorry to hear of your loss! I know how hard this can be. When Heff died I was in shock for weeks. I just basically tried to hold everyone together and concentrate on planning the funeral. It wasn’t till months later that I finally dealt with everything. Some of it didn’t fully materialize till years later. If you need to talk or anything please feel free to IM me. Once again, I am so sorry. I know there are few words to bring your comfort at this time, however I know that remembering all the good times and funny stories seemed to make things less painful for us.

[Hobbes]

The funeral was on Thursday afternoon. It went well; or as well as a funeral can go. My close family and I were picked up in a limo. to be driven to the crematorium, and I think the common feeling amongst us was nervousness. But as we pulled in, a parked car moved out in front - carrying the coffin. My dad found this image very hard, and was the first to break.

We stood outside, and calmed down as best we could. After a few moments, the rear of the hearse was opened, and the men lifted the coffin out and carried in - with us following behind. Then we took our places at the front.

I don't really remember what order things happened now. I remember a hymn, and feeling tears run down my face as the last verses approached - desperately trying to continue to sing along, but virtually unable to even read the words through my hazy, water-logged eyes. And there were prayers, lots of prayers. And a few speeches from the vicar (?) about my mother: who she was, what she meant to people, etc. I painfully stifled my sobs; allowing the tears to run, but feeling my shoulders and torso shake as I held in anything vocal.

It wasn't until we got outside to the flowers that I let it go, and my body just made all the noise it needed to make. This happened two or three times, as I saw others cry, and as I stood on my own for a little while, and - finally - as I read the cards on the flowers from other people (most notably, my step nephew and nieces - who wrote a very kind, loving card).

And then it was onto the wake... whereby you switch from feeling sad, lonely, distraught and confused - to laughing with relatives, parents' ex-colleagues, and friends old and new. The turn-around in emotion is, in many ways, a perplexing one. But it is clear that, if one just left a funeral and went home, you would sit alone in a bubble of depression. Yet by attending a 'celebration', your spirits are lifted, and you are encouraged to remember good times.

So yes, the funeral and event afterwards went well, with many, many people attending.

Although I am now back into my regular motions of life, I'm sure I haven't yet used up all my sobs. Indeed, I came close at work today, but felt it would be unfair to my colleague to just collapse in tears - even though, in my heart I know, she would have been hugely supportive and, perhaps, somewhat flattered that I felt close enough to her to do so. But no... not this time, anyway.

So... there we are.

Hmmm.

For the funeral we decided only to have family flowers, but asked that if anyone wished to make a donation it would be given to Macmillan Cancer Relief. So far, I think there's been about £300 in donations. So, again, there's the feeling that some good as come from this.

Again, I cannot thank any of you enough for all your thoughts, prayers, and good wishes. It never ceases to amaze me what a kind and caring bunch of people spend their time here, and perhaps now I also realise why people post in this area of the forum... you don't always need advice, per se, you just need to know that someone is listening, and cares.

[patback87]

I know the funeral bit, it is strange that after when you are surrounded by family and friends you seem to take a short emotional vacation and laugh talk about old times.

I know we often still talk of when one of great uncles years ago died and my Great Aunts (all gone now) used to yell at one of them my Aunt Billie who I was close with, because her hearing wasn't the best. Well a cousin I believe of mine was an undercover cop at the time and he was looking pretty shaggy and hadn't shaved, and Billie asked my other aunt why he looked like that and she said "he undercover" well after several times of trying to tell Billie she yelled very loud "HE UNDERCOVER BILLIE!" we all still laugh about that.

I think we need that comic relief once in a while, I know when I'm feeling down the best way for me to feel better is to watch a funny show.

[Mata]

It's an old saying, but a good one: 'funerals are for the living'. I'm glad that it helped you release some of the feelings.

And yes, we do care. You've been very supportive of my site and what I've been trying to achieve here for many years and I think of you as a good friend. Equally, I've enjoyed getting to know more about you. I remember how happy I was when I heard the surgery on your back had worked! This has been a low point, but it sounds like you're more ready now to let life realign itself into the new shape. It takes time. I'm really glad that these forums have worked to help you when you needed people to write to.

[Ashbless]

I found that my Mother's funeral was very moving. Not that I can remember much of it at all but that so many people were there. One of my Mum's friends, who ironically passed away recently with pancreatic cancer, sang for the funeral and I've always been glad that she did.

*Hugs Hobbes*
It'll take time. My thoughts are with you.

[Hobbes]

Everyone's heartfelt thoughts are appreciated.

I've come to realise that advice is welcome in any form: from the platitudinal and clichéd to the deeply original and inspiring. It doesn't matter what people say, as long as it's supportive and the sentiments are honest. Nowhere else do the words, "It is the thought that counts," ring so true.

All you guys and gals have been fantastic. Thank you.