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> Another Poem
acid_rain_child
post Jul 16 2005, 03:49 AM
Post #1


Vive y Deja Vivir
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From: Baltimore, Maryland. Blieve, hon.
Member No.: 672
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Forgive Me

Your curious brown eyes
and wet, puckered lips
Like his
They sing for love.

Under my nose, against
my cheek, your warmth
You're light so soft.
And to kiss her head,
her strawberry silk,
I know motherhood;
life for another.

Delicacy, drink;
Take from me,
through my shame
my guilt, unworthy.
These tears, my love, are bitter
Fear and despair--
You must know why
(these tears, they won't ever go away)
And will you forgive me when you can?



A first draft, but I sort of like it.


--------------------
"As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes sh*t to make bliss,
Well I feel pretty blissfully."
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Apollyon
post Jul 16 2005, 05:08 PM
Post #2


Super Cool
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From: That one country over there-->
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Gender: Female
I like it too. Nice imagery and such. Very sweet. Does the poem come from personal experience?

Oh, one thing i should comment on.
QUOTE
Under my nose, against
my cheek, your warmth
You're light so soft.
And to kiss her head,
her strawberry silk,
I know motherhood;
life for another.

you change from saying "you" to saying "she" in lines 3/4, and then you change back in the last stanza. I'm not sure... is that on purpose?


--------------------
Subliminal
LIMINAL!!
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acid_rain_child
post Jul 17 2005, 03:06 AM
Post #3


Vive y Deja Vivir
*********

Group: Established Members
Posts: 549
Joined: 24-October 03
From: Baltimore, Maryland. Blieve, hon.
Member No.: 672
Gender: Female
It was on purpose, as was switching "your" to "you're" in 6 and 7. For the final draft, I'll probably change it to seem as if I were talking to the child throughout.

Not a personal experience, no, I don't have any children yet thank god.


--------------------
"As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes sh*t to make bliss,
Well I feel pretty blissfully."
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