Poem, first post-new poem(s?). Options

[over_the_aybss]

This is my newest poem. I really would like to know what other people think before I post any more since this is my first time on the board. Thanks!


Here I am
Standing before you
Waiting for a chance
For you to see me
And not just see
Who you
Think I am
But see me
For who I am
And this is my only chance
For me to show you
My heart
Don’t look at me
The way you always do
Don’t shield
Yourself against me
There is only one lifetime
Once chance
To have the power
To understand
To acknowledge
We’re only
Who we are
Not to change
For the people around us
And not hide
Behind a mask
That is made
From the thickest material
You have to hear me
You have to understand
You can’t change me
Here’s where I stand

[fire_dragon]

Your poems awesome!

[PsychWardMike]

Alright, much like many other poems on this board, I find it ultimately boring. There seems to be no poetic devices in this; no metaphor, no simile, no rhythm. This really reads more like a disjointed prose piece (read: a short essay with sporadic presses of the enter key) than poetry. It's not beyond redemption, but it needs a lot of work.

Keep writing. Refine yourself.

[depressed lonely...]

There doesn't seem to be much of a point to it and I find the way it's been broken up confusing.

[over_the_aybss]

Ok, I do see what you are saying. Before I write anymore I would like to thank the people who gave constructive crtiscism because most of the people i read my poems to just kinda go "UH" and walk away.
So here is another one, its a bit more structred those most of my poems are not. (Not all poems have to have synonoms and such to be good, take this one for example)

You think that you're life is perfect
That everyone has it as well as you
But you've never seen my life
My world
Sorrouned by vacant stares
and people that never hear a thing I say
And ignore all they do hear
While I stand alone
waiting for a friendly face
that never comes
and write to let out
all the frustration I have inside
Towards the people that don't understand me
And refuse to let me be
When i most need to be alone
And friends who still dont see
What i am like
Even after so long
and treat me as if i am ok
Not seeing the hurt they cause
While I sit and write
The words of my life
To have to myself
So nobody can see
What I am really like
When there is no mask
Hiding who I am
and how i feel
And the fake smile
Plastered over my face
So no-one can tell
What i am thinking
and the feeling of drowning
under all the pressures
of life itself
and being part
of the cliques
that form
and fitting in to people's preceptions
of what everyone should be
while around me everyone changes
and i am left behind once again
and i stand alone
and keep to myself
not letting anyone penetrate
the shield i set up
to cover who i am
and the sense of dread
settles once again over me
because i don't
look like
talk like
act like
everybody else
and i fit into the steryotypes
that people set up for themselves
and for others
not everyone has a perfect life
welcome to mind

[PsychWardMike]

No, you see the problem is is that's not really good poetry. It's prose that's been written time and time again that just happens to be broken up in certain spaces. Poetry needs (on top of emotion) poetic devices. Rhythm, rhyme, metaphor, it's all needed to make poetry - what the vast majority of society doesn't understand is that anyone who writes down something and calls it poetry does not necessarily make it so. Poetry is hard work and that's why it's so fulfilling when ultimately you craft a good one.

-As a side note, I'd like to point out that poetry also doesn't have to be completely dark and gloomy, either. That's another societal misconception.

Keep writing. Refine yourself.

[over_the_aybss]

o i see, now i cant write????

You think i write dark and gloomy to fit into what the rest of the world is

writing? For the love of god, you don't even know me and youalready think i

am just someone who tries to fit into the crowd and do what other people do.

Maybe next time you should get to know people before you try and break their spirit.

You know what, I give up, i've tried to write and nobody has ever cared, This was the last straw. I just can't write, and I will be stopping.

Thanks so much (I hate you)

[voices_in_my_hea...]

well.... I Liked it. Sure, it may not be defined as poetry, but I like your writing.

You should also read PWM's signature.

[over_the_aybss]

ok, yes i did see that. But that does not give him any right to put down what other people love to do. I really don't give a *beep* what he thinks but he is not the only person to put down my writing. This is the reason that I have lost all passion in writing.

Happy PsychWardMike ?

[trunks_girl26]

Hun, Mike wasn't being harsh or mean or trying to break your spirit.

If you read his second comment, he's giving you constructive criticism and ways to improve your writing.

Now, shall we calm down and take a look?

Have you ever tried reading your poetry out loud to other people? By reading it out loud, you can get a sense of how the poem flows and where things like punctuation could help the reader, who, you must remember, doesn't know how you hear it in your head, to hear and feel what you're trying to capture.

Remember, poetry is "powerful emotion recollected in tranquility"-Wordsworth.

And always keep writing. If you like what you write, that's all that matters.

[PsychWardMike]

Alright - you're offended; I didn't do anything to offend you - my comments were made in an amiable fashion and if you're looking for a fight, then that's your problem; not mine.

As for lumping you into a group of people, I didn't do that - you did it yourself. However, while we're on that subject, methinks thou doth protest too much. Who are you trying to convince that you're original?

I simply tried to help you in a nice way to improve your poetry. Criticism should be the life blood of your poetry.

I'd now like to take the time to ask you to please deal with whatever problems you have with me in a calm and civil manner. That shouldn't be too hard, now should it?

[dancing hamster ...]

Nice to see a bit of the old mike coming through!

Anyway, its not bad, I suppose...
Now I have no idea about poetry. I messed my English exam up so I shouldn't complain. But does it need some punctuation perhaps - I nearly passed out trying to say it in one breath.

[over_the_aybss]

u know what i just realized about most of the people who have been posting about my poems? They have no idea when they are speaking out there ass.
They don't care if what I have written comes from my heart or not, they decide that they should find anything wrong with it and talk about those things instead of trying to find good thing as well. I give up.

[rainbowclogs]

I don't care what anyone says, poetry is from the heart and doesn't necessarilly require punctuation or rhyming couplets, iambic pentameter or whatever else makes other people feel comfortable.
I read a poem of about 4 stanzas which was utter crap by a well known and well resprected poet, I think it was Ted Hughes, which was akin to putting a brick in the Tate Midern and calling it 'art'. Noone told him to be more deep or use stanzas or commas..
This poem speaks about your experiences, your alienation and your refusal to adhere to rigid stereotypes. Am I the only person who can infer what you are talking about??
Don't let anyone stem the flow of your creativity. I used to do that and after a while the creativity died. It's only recently I have got it back.
You were brave allowing people to see your thoughts and I liked the ideas. I have certainly related to some of the emotions.

KEEP CREATING!! The world is your poem!!

Rain xx

[rainbowclogs]

arrrrrrrggghhh!! PLEASE ignore the typing errors!!

[over_the_aybss]

thank you soo much. You do not realize how much what you said means to me. You are the only person who has felt what I feel and realize that the people around you have no affect on what you write about. I appreciate that more then you can imagine.

[trunks_girl26]

Actually, if you read the quote I put in my comment, it refers to emotion, which comes from the heart, m'dear.

And please, before you start flinging insults about, at least think about the comments that we're making. When you display your work to others, you must be prepared to have people give you their opinion. I have my own up here, and you're always free to do the same.

Now, the only major problem is the fact that when reading poetry, punctuation is the only time when you're suppossed to breathe. While as rainbowclogs mentioned a poem that has no punctuation, which, I admit freely, happens sometimes with more well-known poets, but, also as rainbowclogs pointed out, the poem was only four stanzas long. Yours is considerably longer.

Now, I'm going to suggest reading your poem out loud and when you take a breath, insert some sort of punctuation- commas work well. Or, if you stop at every line, indicate to the reader that he should as well stop by putting in punctuation.

Now, once again, I say don't stop writing. Writing is fun, but it can also be hard work.

[PsychWardMike]

...I really would like to know what other people think...

There. You asked for other peoples opinons. You wanted criticism. We gave it and we gave it nicely. You are the one with a problem here.

[over_the_aybss]

trunks_girl26- Did u even TRY and read what rainbowclogs said? It doesn't matter if people can say it in one breath or not, it comes from the heart and thats all that matters. So why are u acting as if its extreamly horrible?

PsychWardMike- All I have to say to you is: I guess now "please tell me what you think" means "make it seem like a load of crap and not say anything good about what I have written". But maybe thats what YOU see.










I probably just won't write anymore, I can see now that nobody like it anyway

[Novander]

I probably just won't write anymore, I can see now that nobody like it anyway 

Is it the way that everyone is telling you to keep writing that makes you think this?

PWM and Ange have offered a little criticism, thats all. And I agree with them. Its great that you're writing and I hope you continue to do so, but until you start using poetic techniques the poems aren't going to mean much to anyone except you.

No one here is trying to insult or upset you so please stop trying to start fights.

[over_the_aybss]

y can't anyone agree with me on this?

U are all just talkng a load of BS

[trunks_girl26]

Alright, as I'm trying to be diplomatic here, I'm going to try one more time to explain.

I'm not bashing your work, I swear, if I was, you would know it. But I'm not.

Show me where I said anything that resembled calling your work horrible and I will gladly appologize.

That being said, I'd like to once again state that it is in your best interest, from the point of view of the reader, to place some sort of punctuation marks, in order to let the reader breathe.

Yes, I did infact read what rainbowclogs said, and actually, if you read my above post, you'll see I even quoted what they said.

And once again, I invite you to make the same sort of sonstructive criticism to any of my poems. They're in creations. When you put your work into a forum like this, you sometimes find yourself with people who have different opinions. We're not bashing your work, just showing you our view of it.

[over_the_aybss]

I'm done


I gave up caring a long time ago.

This is it for me

No more posting

No more Poems

I'm done for good

Say goodbye

I've taken my final bow

[PsychWardMike]

You give poets a bad name - this is exactly why everyone thinks that all poets are tempermental little people that can't take criticism. This is making my life harder as a poet, and I resent it.

That said, I told you that it needs revision. I didn't say anything malicious (until these past few posts when the subject matter has been your replies and not your work) and I didn't intend to, either. I've been warned and I've learned my lesson. Feel free to bash my poetry if you want to eye for eye tooth for tooth me. I enjoy criticism of any type. Good or bad. There is no growth without it.There's a link to it. Post away.

[depressed lonely...]

This person is just being childish and wanting an ego rub. they aren't worth much more than this if they can't deal with criticism.
It gives me the s**ts