It never rains but it pours, Boyfriend troubles too :-( Options

[Pixelgoth]

Well, not only do I have my bro's illness to contend with my boyfriend told me last night that he 'doesn't feel the same way about me anymore'!

After much crying and discussion (on both sides) it turned out that he wasn't dumping me but he's just confused about how he feels about me.

He said this once before in March 1 DAY BEFORE I was due to move in with him! We talked about it and he said he was just confused and wanted to try and work things out by (in a nut shell) me being less moody and taking cr*p out on him when it wasn't warranted and him talking to me more about his feelings. Bear in mind we talked for hours and hours and this is just a simplification of the final result.

I've tried to keep my side of the bargain by trying really hard not to snap at him when I'm grumpy and subconciously start arguements just because I'm feeling unhappy with other things. This past few days I've failed miserably at that because I'm not sleeping very well due to this stupid humid heat wave I have always apologised for being an idiot but obviously it's not enough and I think I may have shot myself in the back....metaphorically speaking....although does being shot hurt this much?!?

Anyway, I still love him dearly and I thought everything was OK as we've been talking about all sorts of future plans together and he seemed just as excited about everything as I was. He turned to me at 10.30pm last night and said what he said above. I was shocked/gutted/devasted/hurt/angry. He's basically not held his side of the bargain and not talked to me until it was too late. As it turns out this WAS his idea of talking to me and he doesn't want to finish with me despite saying initially that was what he wanted.

I'm so very very very confused. I want to work things out but I'm so worried that he'll just do the same thing a few months down the line again and I don't want to feel like there's this Sword of Damacles (sp?) hanging over me constantly. It took me a while to feel 'safe' after the last 'episode' in March I don't want to just throw the baby out with the bath water and end it because of this though.

We're going for psychosexual (sp?) counselling (I have physical issues that I don't want to go into right now) in the near future and I wondered whether it was worth teaming that with couples counselling which I assume it will be very similar to?

I'm so unhappy and sad today and I just don't know what to do or who to turn to. I feel awkward calling my friends and crying down the phone to them but I just feel like I need a good weep on someone's shoulder. I spoke to my friend at work today but I don't know her that well and I suddenly thought perhaps I should post on Matazone as you guys have never steered me wrong before and always offered sage and comforting (sometimes harsh but warranted!) advice.

[Daria]

Firstly *massive hugs and a hankie*
Secondly- I probably won't have the herbiest sage advice, but I think what I have to say may be vaguely comforting...

Wayback when in April, I was a bit of a mess. I was feeling really quite shitty, my hormones were flying everywhere. I don't want to say that I was depressed, because I wasn't diagnosed with it- but things weren't good. I had just gone on the pill to try and combat some of the effects of Poly Cystic Ovarian Syndrome (which I had just been told that I definitely had) and my body wasn't happy. I was on Microgynon which has depression as a side affect- it also squashed any "full" feelings I may have had so I went up a whole clothes size. This all ended up putting a very large amount of stress on my relationship with Monty,. I kept starting serious "talks" with him, explaining that I wasn't happy and that I felt he needed to do so much more towards the relationship than he was doing. At the time I was also reluctant to share my feelings with him, and I just felt angry at him a lot. We agreed that he would try to do more around the house and put more effort into "us", and I would try to chill out and not be so worried about everything all the damn time. We also said that if things weren't good by the end of May, then that would be it. I had a friend I could live with, and we would break up.
We both tried really hard to do the things the other one had asked- and it wasn't easy at times. My job can sometimes be really stressful, and I ended up taking it out on Monty- and in turn he sometimes forgot his promises too.

It's been a couple of months now, and our relationship is stronger than ever. My hormones have settled down, Monty helps out around the house. He had even shown that he had been thinking of positive solutions- one of which was to have more sex (I have the libido of a dog in heat, and he has chronic fatigue. Sometimes the two clash a bit) which has helped us greatly - although from what you mentioned, this might not be a solution you two can employ. We have both taken into consideration one another a lot more than before and as a result, things are pretty good.
Perhaps if you were to set a date, or say "at the end of the month" to review your relationship? It wouldn't stop you from getting counselling (which sounds as though it may be very beneficial for you two) or from taking any other measures to strengthen things- but it will give you both time to do stuff.
I'm sorry for the massive post, and I really hope that things work out for you two. *more hugs*

[Pikasyuu]

I don't know what to say other than these two things:
- No one deserves to be emotionally twisted that way, and I'm sorry you've been put up against a wall like that. I've been in that situation and the emotional strain that you may or may not be 'good enough' to stay with is nothing short of excruciating. Try to keep your head above water and just..breathe. You deserve whatever you want and a loving relationship, so if he ever decides not to stay with you, there's another opportunity somewhere.
- If you ever need an e-shoulder, mine's always open. If you PM me, I'd be happy to listen to whatever and try to give advice where you'd like it. Good luck.

*muchos hug-os*

[Phyllis]

Perhaps if you were to set a date, or say "at the end of the month" to review your relationship?

I think that's a really good idea. It gives you time to make a serious try of it, but if it definitely isn't working in spite of your efforts there will be an end in sight. There's only so much effort you can put into a relationship before it starts to cause you more grief than joy.

That is a really crappy situation, Pixie. *hugs* I can't imagine one of my siblings being that ill and having to deal with relationship problems on top of it. I'm not sure how much of this is going to be advice you can actually use and how much is just commiseration, but here goes. Right after Dayan died I landed in the hospital with a lovely blood clot in my lung, as pretty much everyone who was around at that time knows. What most of them don't know is that a couple of weeks after I got out, my ex told me that he didn't think he loved me anymore. I was terrified. My friend had just died, I was very sick, and my marriage was apparently ending. It was too much, all at once.

That was in January. We didn't break up until October, aside from a mini-separation in September. It was much too drawn out, and really should have just ended when he told me how he was feeling in January. Neither of us were willing to put much effort into staying together. It sounds like you are willing to work on it, at least. It's hard to judge whether he is from hearing just your side of things, obviously.

I think, in a weird way, Dayan's death and my illness sped along what would have otherwise happened gradually over the course of a few years. When things are really tough, that's when you find out who your real friends are. People who love you will stick by you through the ups and downs of a hard situation. The same is true of relationships. The partner of someone with a seriously ill relative should kind of expect the occasional outburst and try to be understanding/direct the conversation to something else/know when to just walk away and let the other person be alone. That doesn't mean that I don't think you shouldn't try to hold up your end of the bargain and try to not snap at him so much, of course. Nearly everyone is more easily angered when they feel like they're dealing with more than they can handle, but obviously I don't think the supporting partner should turn into a doormat. That's what punching bags are for. It's a difficult situation to manage for both of the people involved, so don't feel like your relationship is weak because you two are struggling with this. I think most couples would.

Couples counseling, as I understand it, is a bit different from sexual counseling. It might help to attend that as well, because in addition to talking about the relationship you'll also be able to get out your feelings about what is going on with your brother and any other stress you might have. Many counselors do an individual session with each person in the couple to start off with, so that would probably be a good time to talk about the situation with your brother, how all the stress is impacting your relationship, etc.

I hope the two of you can work things out. Again, I can't imagine dealing with an ill sibling on top of all this relationship stuff. I don't even want to think about the possibility.

[Industrial Kybos...]

Is your mobile number same as it used to be? I think I've still got it. If so, I'll drop you a line tomorrow so we can chat, if you like.

I don't like my friends suffering, so if a phone conversation can alleviate even a small amount of that, then I'll be glad to call.

[froggle-rock]

*hugs teh Pixie*

I'm prolly going to just reiterate what Daria and Cand have said: setting a date with your partner x weeks or whatever for now to review things has worked for me in the past. I find that when I am stressed and down and all that crap I tend to make rasher decisions when I am on my period. In someways it great, because I am more decisive and proactive. But in someways it can be bad because I end up being self centered and cold hearted. So I guess, I am trying to say if you have all this shite going on, reviewing and activly thinking, you both, of the relationship over a time period can be helpful to assess things- thinking of the high-low all that, provocations and all that type of stuff. Whatever happens, we here to give you *hugs*

I also go with Cand on the, to rephrase: When you're wading through shit, the good friends/ partner will be barefoot besides you.

I hope there is (some) resolve. *hugs more and some for later too*

[Pixelgoth]

Is your mobile number same as it used to be? I think I've still got it. If so, I'll drop you a line tomorrow so we can chat, if you like.

I don't like my friends suffering, so if a phone conversation can alleviate even a small amount of that, then I'll be glad to call.

I haven't changed it but I'll PM you with it anyways :-) I'm working today but tomorrow is good.

Thanks guys to you all for some comforting words *hugs*

Daria your words really helped as it sounds like a very similar situation with lots of things. I'm scared to put a date on a resolution as it will make me dread the deadline and panic and worry more. I've tried it in the past and it's always been a negative thing. I think, after speaking to him over the past few days, that we're going to try and make a go of it. I think we'll be talking about this every day and he is such a wonderful guy he'll follow me anywhere (even crotch deep into poop!) I forgot to say that he's my brothers best friend so he's hurting just as much as I am so it's just going to be hard for us both.

Anyway, I'll keep you posted and if you think of any other sage advice it would be very much appreciated xxxxxx

[Pixelgoth]

Well things are looking slightly rosier now. We're going to our initial counselling session tomorrow night. Ironically enough now the dust has settled I'm beginning to wonder what we should do. I love him and want to make it work but at the same time I REALLY don't want to go through that all over again in a few months. I'm pinning my hopes on the counselling being able to iron some things out.

Of course this doesn't help matters