Essex is getting a Taco Bell! Options

[Pikasyuu]

Many Americans will find this explanation amusing, not so sure about the British - it does have couple of rants at your people contained, though they seem to be intended humorously:

It appears that our friends in Essex are about to receive the first UK Taco Bell since 1994. It will happen within a "fortnight" or two, whatever the f*ck that is.

As our Englistani fellows are completely unaware of what Taco Bell, or even Mexicans, are, I am preparing this handy primer to assuage the culinary and gastrointestinal shock they are about to receive.

TACO BELL: This is No, wait. scratch that. Probably need to back it up a bit.

Ahem.

TORTILLA: This is a flat, unleavened bread, usually cooked from flour or maize, on a griddle or flat stone surface. Not to be confused with the Castilian Spanish Tortilla, which means "little cake" in the non-Mexican world. Think of this as a very thin, round Naan, if you're into that Indian food you bastards plundered during your global reign of terror. If you don't know what flatbread is, think of Tortillas as chewy gigantic communion wafers. Tortillas are usually eight-twelve inches wide, or thirty-fifty decaliters in your crazy alien measurement system. Corn tortillas are often hardened by baking, to create different foods, although most recipes call for soft tortillas before cooking.

BEANS: These are actually Refried Beans, or Frijoles Refritos in the Mexican. Usually Pinto beans, stewed, then mashed to whatever consistency the cook wishes. For instance, I prefer mine coarse, with large chunks of unmashed beans hither and thither. The beans at Taco Bell are a much smoother consistency, as they have been apparently pureed for a few days until they resemble baby food. You can also use them to spackle holes in your wall.

CHEESE: Also known as Queso, pronounced "Kay-So", not "Quee-soo." You folks already know what cheese is, as you have like five million goddamned different kinds over there, mostly just Cheddar with a fancier name. Please do not confuse your weird foreign Cheddars with this "cheese." Taco Bell manufactures this cheese by taking perfectly good milk and torturing it with preservatives and chemicals until it turns into bright orange snot. Under no circumstances should you put this in your mouth. If this happens, however, do not panic - swallow the foul sludge as fast as you can, and try not to repeat the mistake.

VEGETABLES: Shredded lettuce, diced tomatoes, chopped onions. Not bad, and Taco Bell does purchase wholesale veggies from local suppliers.

BEEF: Ground beef of extremely suspicious quality, spiced, and heaped on your food.

CHICKEN: Meat of hens that committed horrible sins. Steamed-ish, then chopped into chunks half the size of your finger and nudged around a grill until they get some dark coloration.

STEAK: Ha ha, no, not really steak. Chunks of what might have been a steak, long ago in its youth, before age and depression and getting carved into bite-sized tidbits did it in. Now all it has is an empty bottle of gin and broken dreams.

Okay. We got that out of the way. Onward!

TACO BELL: A place that sells all of the same ingredients, over and over, in different shapes, mostly to drunkards who should be at home asleep and not out eating a goddamned knot of crappy filth at four o'clock in the morning. You may choose which shape your ingredients take, and then stuff it down your gut. This will happen over and over until all you limey guts are fat as f*ck, and then who'll be laughing, huh? WHO'S GONNA BE LAUGHING ONCE YOU START EATING TACO BELL, HOBBITS? HA HA HA HA ahem.

To whit, let's look at the menu for some of the more popular items over here in the land of Civilized Humans.

TACO: A tortilla, hard or soft, filled with meat, veggies, and cheese.

BURRITO: A tortilla, soft, filled with beans and cheese.

QUESADILLA: A tortilla filled with meat and cheese.

NACHOS: Many chips "crisps" (god, what the f*ck IS IT with you people? LEARN ENGLISH) made of tortilla, covered in cheese.

GRILLED "STUFT" (OK, I take that English thing back) BURRITO: A tortilla filled with meat and cheese. Then they grill each side for half a minute. No, I do not know why.

GORDITA: Soft tortilla filled with meat, veggies and cheese. Differs from Taco in that, brace yourself, the tortilla is thicker.

CHALUPA: Deep-fried tortilla filled with meat, veggies and cheese.

CHILI CHEESE BURRITO: God save us all, it's what it sounds like. American Chili with cheese in a tortilla. We are horrible monsters and should pray for death.

MEXICAN PIZZA: NOT to be confused with actual pizza, this delicacy is actually an artistic little entrée. First, a whole-grain wheat ball of sopapilla dough is hand-flattened, then baked until the crust browns. On top of this, a thin layer of Spanish oregano, sea salt, and olive oil is ha ha ha ha ha ha f*ck you, it's tortillas, beans, meat and cheese.

Are you seeing a pattern here? Right.

Now, I understand if any of our expatriate fellows living in your third world island feel the hankering to go on down and grab a bite from this Essex place. It's only natural for an American to want to go eat horrible crap. But we expect a little better from you, Englandistanis. Be forewarned. Remember that Taco Bell, like phoning up an ex for a booty call, is something you will probably only do whilst drunk - and you WILL regret it. In fact, phoning the ex might be a better idea - your ex might cause self-loathing, but they won't force you to sit on the toilet for seven hours, turning inside-out at the rectum.

Most won't, anyway.

Instead, go BUY some tortillas at the store. BUY some actual cheese cheese, that's really made of your fancy cheddar, and buy some meat of your choice. Then make this stuff yourself! It's healthier, more delici...

What?

YOU DON'T HAVE MEXICAN TORTILLAS IN ENGLAND?

...F*ck it. Eat your Taco Bell, you heathens. It's what you deserve.

Enjoy!

[Cath Sparrow]

I'm kinda not suprised they went for Essex...

[Daria]

Hahaha. We have Chiquito's.

[Mata]

Oh crap, that's something else to fuel chemically altered boy racers on the weekend along Southend beach.

[elphaba2]

Chiquito's website made me tear up on account of the giggles. Oh man, this page. Oh man. Too much. Oh man. Whoof. I need to calm down for a minute.

In other news, I am glad that Britain is now being introduced, for the very first time, to bad food.

[Phyllis]

In other news, I am glad that Britain is now being introduced, for the very first time, to bad food.

Oh, honey, trust me. It's not the first time.

I don't want to talk about the "Mexican" food I have had here. The less said about it, the better. It was better than Taco Bell, but...not by much.

[Hobbes]

::blinks:

<--- lives in Essex.

I don't really know what to say here.

Except perhaps I should point out that I'm pretty as much as far away as possible from where the Taco Bell will be (Lakeside), without being in the next county.

And that I moved here, from Oxfordshire. And not entirely under my own choice.

::blinks::

[Cath Sparrow]

Oh crap, that's something else to fuel chemically altered boy racers on the weekend along Southend beach.

I dont know what your complaining about! Your getting out, leaving the country! It's alright for you you'll be a safe distance!

[Mata]

Not that safe. Those guys go pretty fast, they could hit a bump and land across the channel. It could happen!

[gothictheysay]

Katii, is there a link to this? it's hilarious. that said, the cheapness of taco bell... guilty pleasure... I'm getting hungry...

[Silver Star Ange...]

Hope you guys like it! It isn't quality Mexican food, and not remotely authentic, but there's something about it that just attracts me to it.

[Cath Sparrow]

Not that safe. Those guys go pretty fast, they could hit a bump and land across the channel. It could happen!

Yeh but it gives you some leaway to plan your next exit plan!

[Mata]

That's how I always travel - accidental trans-oceanic flight is the only way to go. Make sure you pack your sandwiches well - during the freefall descent to land the zero-gravity effect can make things very messy.

[leopold]

Taco Bell. Nice... First time I heard of them was on Demolition Man, where Taco Bell became the only survivor of the food chain wars. Or something.

Anyway, up here in Manchester, where we have more taste*, we have Barburrito, which appears to do much the same sort of thing. I've been to the one in the Trafford Centre twice, and it's not bad. I've read that most people consider it to be a superior alternative to Taco Bell and cheaper than Chiquitos.

I still prefer to make them myself, though.

* We Mancunians might not actually have more taste. We just don't have a Taco Bell.

[Mata]

We have 'The Mission' in Oxford. I suspect that this is probably about as damn bloody brilliant as burritos can get. They're yummy! http://www.missionburritos.co.uk/

On a related topic, I tried the doner kebabs in Holland. They make them in fajita wraps, not pitta bread, but I think the quality of the meat is better. Overall, very yummy. This meant that it was okay to move there. Such things are important to check before you move anywhere.

[Phyllis]

I kind of want to hug the people at the Mission Burrito place for not putting COURGETTE* in their vegetarian option. Seriously, people. It has no place there.

I want to send a Public Service Announcement to every "Mexican food" chef in the country. No courgette. And step away from that aubergine**, too. I saw you eyeing it. You go near it and I am taking away your spatula and putting you in the naughty spot. Also, people won't die if you make your salsa spicier than tomato sauce. Thank you. I think that's all. For now.

That being said..."fajita burrito"? What the balls? I take back my hug.

I would love to find a place here that does decent corn tortillas. I can buy the supplies to make them myself via mail order, but I can never seem to get them quite right. Flour tortillas just aren't the same.

*Zucchini, people back home. They put zucchini in tacos and burritos and such here. Doesn't that just make you want to cry from the horrible wrongness?
**Eggplant. I'll say it again. Eggplant. I don't know where they get these wacky ideas for inappropriate vegetables. I like zucchini and eggplant, but there is a time and a place for them, for heaven's sake.

[Yannick]

*Zucchini, people back home. They put zucchini in tacos and burritos and such here. Doesn't that just make you want to cry from the horrible wrongness?
**Eggplant. I'll say it again. Eggplant. I don't know where they get these wacky ideas for inappropriate vegetables. I like zucchini and eggplant, but there is a time and a place for them, for heaven's sake.

Okay, I've never had a taco like that, but that sounds DELICIOUS.

No TMI right now. =/

[Phyllis]

Okay, I've never had a taco like that, but that sounds DELICIOUS.

No TMI right now. =/

It's really, really not. They always end up slimy, and just...eeuuugh. Plus, it's wrong. So wrong.

Also, this isn't the TMI thread, sillyface.

[LoLo]

*Zucchini, people back home. They put zucchini in tacos and burritos and such here. Doesn't that just make you want to cry from the horrible wrongness?
**Eggplant. I'll say it again. Eggplant. I don't know where they get these wacky ideas for inappropriate vegetables. I like zucchini and eggplant, but there is a time and a place for them, for heaven's sake.

Like corn on pizza?

Want me to send you some corn tortillas? I should add this to my list and actually do it. That's what now? Corn tortillas, graham crackers and mint oreos (or were the mint oreos for guy?)?

[Cath Sparrow]

No no the mint oreos were quite obviously for me.

[Phyllis]

Ha. I actually don't mind the corn on pizza. It's not my favourite thing in the world, but at least it isn't slimy and in a taco.

You don't have to do that, Lo! My sister is going to be sending me a care package soon. And I am definitely not the one who wanted the mint Oreos.

If we ever moved to the US, I know I'd start to miss things from here. The amount of money that I spent on a teensy block of halfway decent mature cheddar when I was missing English cheese and still living in the US was obscene.

[snooodlysnoosnoo...]

If we ever moved to the US, I know I'd start to miss things from here. The amount of money that I spent on a teensy block of halfway decent mature cheddar when I was missing English cheese and still living in the US was obscene.

I think Ste would probably end up spending his entire pay on cheese!

[Pikasyuu]

sarah:
http://flemco.livejournal.com/3430311.html
that was the actual article. :) sorry so late!

by the way, what's an english kebab? every time they're mentioned, i imagine men at bars eating meat off of sticks, and it confuses me.

[Phyllis]

by the way, what's an english kebab? every time they're mentioned, i imagine men at bars eating meat off of sticks, and it confuses me.

It's short for Doner kebab. They're quite similar to gyros. Clicky.

snoo: and tea! And I'd have to learn how to make Christmas pudding (euuurgh). Probably best to stay put.

[LoLo]

by the way, what's an english kebab? every time they're mentioned, i imagine men at bars eating meat off of sticks, and it confuses me.

It's short for Doner kebab. They're quite similar to gyros. Clicky.

snoo: and tea! And I'd have to learn how to make Christmas pudding (euuurgh). Probably best to stay put.

Yeah if you go into a Greek restaurant, it's basically like that. I had wondered the same thing myself.

Also cand, you can get most of the stuff that you might miss from The World Market, though I have to admit I have yet to find tea as good as England's or cheese there, but you can get quite a variety of cheese at a lot of the grocery stores here. I was so pleased to be able to find Dandelion and Burdock soda at the World Market in one of my previous visits.