Dear InKy,, and other g-rated discussions. Options

[Pikasyuu]

This thread might eventually turn into a literary work of art, what with the two of us bantering back and forth. It may go down in Matazone history as one of the most interesting, insightful, intelligent threads that any of us have ever seen - after all, what new thread, especially with that forumite's name in the title, isn't especially charged with potential?

But really, I just wanted to tell him his inbox was full.
You know how to delete those suckers, right?

[Tarantio]

Dear Inky,

I'm a mother of two, and my husband has just left me for another woman...

Oh, wait, that's not right...

*hopes this is in Daft*

[LoLo]

Dear Inky,

I met a girl today with a dog named Snow white princess mermaid.

[Industrial Kybos...]

o_O

You leave a computer for one solitary night, and suddenly you have your own damn thread. Thanks, sis.

My inbox should now have space, by the way. I've been keeping all my favourite old banter PMs, which pretty much makes it 50% old injokes that I can now barely comprehend, and 50% syuu-chat. I'll have to back those up someday...

Tara - One word of advice - 'threesome'. But not in front of the kids.

Lo - Quite an impressive moniker there, though i don't ever recall Snow White being a mermaid. Someone's getting their Disney in a mix. Was it a show dog? I'd be happier if it was a little mangey mutt, to be honest. They deserve overblown names to make up for the poor genetic hand they've been dealt.

On a dog note, my wife and I went to our old University stomping grounds in Bangor last weekend, and the only old friend we bumped into was a small dog called Ringo. He didn't remember us. Ignorant f@cker.

[Phyllis]

Dear InKy,

Approximately how many pigeons will fly out of your nose per minute if you have the pigeon flu?

Love,
Cand (who realizes that only those who were in Chester yesterday will fully appreciate this question, but is asking it anyway).

[Industrial Kybos...]

Don't dabble with the Chester pigeons, cand. They're a brutal bunch, not unlike the seagulls of Newquay. I've seen them team up and hunt down tourists with half-eaten sandwiches, attacking like a pack of grey, feathery, verminous raptors.

Not really. They're f@cking pigeons.

I think the answer to your question depends on the nature of the bird. Are these African or European pigeons?

[Phyllis]

I believe they are of the European variety, but a few of them seem to have been given growth hormones, if that makes a difference.

[Industrial Kybos...]

Pigeons of abiding hugeness, eh? A friend of mine started a collection of photos of large pigeons. He managed two. Says a lot about him, really.

I'll bet, with a good headwind, you could shift a good half dozen in one blow - the per minute rate depending entirely on your sneeze quantity. No accounting for feathers in the sinus afterward, though. Ugh - tickly and painful. Damn nose pigeons.

[LoLo]

Lo - Quite an impressive moniker there, though i don't ever recall Snow White being a mermaid. Someone's getting their Disney in a mix. Was it a show dog? I'd be happier if it was a little mangey mutt, to be honest. They deserve overblown names to make up for the poor genetic hand they've been dealt.

It was a white chihuahua. So basically it's a small kind of funny looking yippy dog.

[Industrial Kybos...]

The name now seems appropriate for the boggly-eyed canine nutjob. I like those dogs. They amuse me, but I'd never like to own one. I don't like things in the house that make more noise than me. Other than my mad beefy hifi, of course. rawr...

[Cath Sparrow]

Dear Inky

I applogise for spamming your thread but I wanted to laugh at Cand's question. *proceeds with her rotflmao*

[mooooooooooopo]

Dear InKy,

When wandering around Chester with Cand and Cath and Spoon they plotted to throw me in the river to try and test this pigeon flu theory. Everyone knows that falling in the river Dee will give you the pigeon flu.

My question is: What is the best way to thwart a conspiracy to throw you in the river when outnumbered three to one?

[Cath Sparrow]

Dear Inky

I would like to point out that if moop hadn't mentioned the potions in his head and that his ear's were the pressure valve after the intial pigeon flu discussion the plotting would not have come about. So in sumary the plotting for the pushing of moops into the river Dee is actually all his own fault.

[LoLo]

Dear Inky,

How many is 29?

[Industrial Kybos...]

Seems much water- and fowl-based fun was had in Chester. I'm sorry I wasn't there to join in the plotting.

If Cath is correct, and you were indeed the architect of your own demise, moop, then my best suggestion would have been to seem very keen about the idea of taking a dip in the Dee. No sane person would want to enter those murky waters, so, having proven yourself to be several pigeons short of a full coop, the plotters three may be less inclined to be physically handling you - or, indeed, being within a three-mile radius of your plainlt-hatstand self.

The best way of proving yourself irretrievably insane in this instance, though, would be to launch youself into the Dee unaided, rendering the whole endeavour pointless. Hey, I never claimed my advice would be useful.

LoLo - as many as the much wood a woodchuck would chuck. If it could.

[froggle-rock]

Dear Inky,

What temperature is the interwebz? This question has been on my mind alot recently, and I'm stumped on how it would be measured, let alone going about measuring it.

Yours,

Curious Froggie

[Industrial Kybos...]

When you're about, froggie, considerably hotter.

Interesting query. Does the internet have a temperature? Does it have a name? Opinions? Trousers? Does it have a weather system, and if it does, is Rihanna making it rain there too?

Maybe we should ask it one day. It does so much for us, and we don't as much so give it a Christmas card. Oh, how fickle we be.

[Izzy]

Dear Inky,

Why did the chicken *really* cross the road?

[LoLo]

Dear Inky and Syuu,

Do you like the fact that this thread has evolved from something other than letting Inky know that his inbox is full?

[Tarantio]

Dear Inky,

What temperature is the interwebz? This question has been on my mind alot recently, and I'm stumped on how it would be measured, let alone going about measuring it.

Yours,

Curious Froggie

Teh interwebs is H A W T. End of story.

[Pikasyuu]

dear LoLo,
I knew it would happen.

[LoLo]

Dear Inky,

The bottom of my feet are an orangey brown color...I just thought I would share that.

[Industrial Kybos...]

Izzy - sadly, the true answer is lost to the mists of time. What we must now ask ourselves is, did the chicken truly cross the road? Which road, and who is this mysterious chicken? What could motivate common fowl to embark on a potentially dangerous cross-highway perambulation? I think you should ask Tara - he seems to be the chicken expert round these parts, judging by the Game forum.

LoLo - it's a fact of these forums that a thread will never stay as what it is, but metamorphose into what it was really supposed to be. Especially when syuu is involved. And thanks for sharing - I'm glad to hear that your career as a caramel-trampler is coming along nicely.

Tara - not a very scientific opinion, but probably true regardless. Hawtness is in abundance, especially when syuu is involved.

[leopold]

Izzy - sadly, the true answer is lost to the mists of time. What we must now ask ourselves is, did the chicken truly cross the road? Which road, and who is this mysterious chicken? What could motivate common fowl to embark on a potentially dangerous cross-highway perambulation?

Actually, I can answer this one. It's a mistranslation from the original Hebrew. It's happened before; you know that bit in the bible about it being "easier for a camel to pass through the eye of a needle"? Well, apparently the word for "Camel" and the word for "Rope" are very similar, and the correct translation should've been "a rope passing through the eye of a needle".

Now you're wondering if I've simultaneously got religion and lost the plot all of a sudden, but bear with me.

Right, it also appears that the original zebra crossing was developed by the Jewish people many years ago. Once the designer finished, someone said, "You should call it a zebra crossing", to which the designer replied, "But why would a zebra cross the road?". This lead to a Jewish joke about zebras crossing roads and, ultimately, the scrapping of the idea of zebra crossings across the Middle East at that time. Unfortunately, the word "zebra" and the word "chicken" sound very similar*. Also, because zebras tend not to be indigenous to the UK, we decided that it was more likely to be "chicken". Even though we have zebra crossings.

So there you go. It's a joke that got lost in translation.

* Although it's entirely possible they aren't. But hey, prove me wrong

[Industrial Kybos...]

Fascinating, if true.

Lord, I love a good fact, even if its factiness is in any way in doubt. More please! And questions, should you have them.