Teapot's Takeover Fight #1 - Clockworld Options

[Usurper MrTeapot]

The gear MrTeapot is crouching on begins to move, in short sharp jolts the cog lurches forward and down as each tooth gets slowly swallowed up in the system. There is a platform somewhere ahead.

A quick leap from the crouch and into the air, his fingers just grasp the brass platform, so polished it almost slips from his grasp. He pulls himself up, swinging his legs awkwardly onto the shelf. From here he can get a good look.

The machine has a rhythm which builds as each new tick and click stack upon each other, broken by swooshes of pendulums or ringing of bells both shrill and booming. Every so often there was an ear piercing shriek as part of the sentient machine caught part of itself within some of the mechanisms and are crunched out of existence.

Above where MrTeapot now is the viewing area, a bullet-proof, bomb-proof, everything-so-don't-even-try-proof perspex sky room, kitted out with TVs and inside-the-machine cameras where viewers can control.

Damn, it looks sweet up there. They even seem to have a buffet. Plug in an xbox into that and we've got a good ... oh wait, back to the task at hand.

MrTeapot scanned the cogs, squinting. Was that shadow him? It must be.

MOOP!

I challenge you to a fight! Do you accept?

[BigMistake]

The gear MrTeapot is crouching on begins to move, in short sharp jolts the cog lurches forward and down as each tooth gets slowly swallowed up in the system. There is a platform somewhere ahead.

A quick leap from the crouch and into the air, his fingers just grasp the brass platform, so polished it almost slips from his grasp. He pulls himself up, swinging his legs awkwardly onto the shelf. From here he can get a good look.

The machine has a rhythm which builds as each new tick and click stack upon each other, broken by swooshes of pendulums or ringing of bells both shrill and booming. Every so often there was an ear piercing shriek as part of the sentient machine caught part of itself within some of the mechanisms and are crunched out of existence.

Above where MrTeapot now is the viewing area, a bullet-proof, bomb-proof, everything-so-don't-even-try-proof perspex sky room, kitted out with TVs and inside-the-machine cameras where viewers can control.

Damn, it looks sweet up there. They even seem to have a buffet. Plug in an xbox into that and we've got a good ... oh wait, back to the task at hand.

MrTeapot scanned the cogs, squinting. Was that shadow him? It must be.

MOOP!

I challenge you to a fight! Do you accept?

*sits in the back and grabs a box of popcorn*

Go Teapot!

[SPEAKERfortheLOS...]

*sets up a betting table*

I've got 50 to 1 odds that moop wins. Will anyone take that bet?

[Mata]

Is Moop actually a ninja? Or possibly does he secretly possess demon blood that has lain dormant in his family for generations, waiting to be awoken by the right challenger?

[Phyllis]

Candice looks up from the sidelines and sets down her pint.

Waaait. Wait just a minute, here.

That usurping piece of crockery is trying to fight my moop?

Oh, hell no.

Screw pacifism.

Donning a TEAM MATA t-shirt, she smashes a bottle against a metal railing. It takes a few tries to break the blasted thing (they make it look so easy in the movies). The repeated clanging and shouted expletives roar above the hum of the machines, drawing the attention of MrTeapot.

Her battle cry is, therefore, a bit anticlimactic. Shame, too. In spite of her pacifism, she's been practicing. You never know when a good battle cry will come in handy.

Brandishing the makeshift weapon, she charges towards the platform.

Bring it, b**ch.

[Cath Sparrow]

sits at one of the consols in the viewing room above nomming from the buffet and fiddles with the local security camra's to get a better view of the procceedings and sit's back to watch the show Go Cand nice touch with the tshirt!

[mooooooooooopo]

A whoosh behind Teapot heralds the otherwise silent arrival of moop. Clad in a One up Mushroom t-shirt with a faint ominous glow, Team Mata viking helmet and spiked kneecaps, his descent from the mass of cogs above the arena is a fearsome sight. Giant wrench in one hand and a flaming barbed diabolo on his back he roars a fearsome battle cry:

I HOPE YOU'RE MICROWAVE SAFE YOU PIECE OF PORCELAIN!

[Pikasyuu]

syuu(-sama, for MrTeapot the Usurper) sits on the sidelines sipping her cup of tea. upon the candita tantrum, her head inclines, her eyes widen, and her eyebrows raise.

you in danja gurl-teapot.

[Usurper MrTeapot]

MrTeapot watches cand land and start her charge. He laughs at her Xena ululation. He is just about to dragon kick her in the balls when he hears moop behind him.

What is this? Can't fight me alone so you try to double team me?

Fine. I'll kill two mods this day (cand - you are counting as a mod)

*sudden lightning flash*

(MrTeapot now has the might of Thor)

[Phyllis]

Well, you mess with one of us, you mess with both of us.

Candice takes off her earrings and hands her baby to syuu.

No, I don't know where I got a baby. Just hold it while I fight. And don't set it on fire.

It's kind of cute. I think I'll name it Carlos.

She laughs at Teapot's "might of Thor," as he's from England, where the lightning is about as impressive as mild static cling. Her hair sticks up as if she's just rubbed a balloon over her head, but she's not otherwise affected. Raising her broken bottle, she deals the first blow of the fight: a jagged scratch down Teapot's face.

It is meant as a warning -- the only one he will receive. This is his last chance to walk away. Even if he does, she makes no promises that she won't use her shoe to beat him to within an inch of his life.

A rumbling noise is heard in the distance. Drawn by the Candoops' battle cries, they come: their warriors.

x 20.

Thrashing their limbs, the warriors coat themselves in the contents of Candice's broken bottle.

They are now impervious to fire.

[Pikasyuu]

syuu(-sama, to Usurpers) takes cand's baby and does her best to keep it away from open flames, while trying the earrings on and admiring herself in a nearby mirror.

[mooooooooooopo]

Moop gets bored of standing there looking dramatic (and mighty alluring; this is a good outfit). He clamps the wrench onto Teapot's head, calmly removes the lid, pours in boiling water and stuffs in a teabag. Reattaching the lid, he sits back and waits for things to brew.

[Phyllis]

Ooh.

Candice offers scones with clotted cream and raspberry jam to those watching from the sidelines.

[Pikasyuu]

syuu(-sama, for those of you who choose to usurp) sets the baby down to wander off while she happily helps herself to the scones.

was this from locand's drunk kitchen?

[Phyllis]

was this from locand's drunk kitchen?

But of course.

Picking up MrTeapot, Candice tips his nose over syuu's teacup.

Tea?

[Pikasyuu]

i'm worried about what all might be in his nose, honestly. diamonds, old coke cans, tires..
he'd better hurry up and usurp, the battlefield is now a tea party!

[Usurper MrTeapot]

MrTeapot watches from the sidelines. He laughs silently to himself as cand and moop play with his illusion, pouring tea for the bystanders in the viewing box. How could they believe he was not a real teapot, many people made that mistake. How many Smiths in the world have real smithy work experience? Is cand really a piece of candy? Is moop a real moop? Who knows anymore.

While they were distracted by the illusion of a mechanical teapot, he sneaked around them and laid a piece of string in a spiral around them until it circled around them eight times. He lead the last of the string off to one side as a fuse. Would they hear the zippo flick open? He couldn't disguise the noise.

Fools! You have been tricked.

He flicked the zippo open and struck the flint. It burst into a flickering but solid flame.

While you danced, I prepared. Enter my hell.

The touch of the flame on the cord ignited the whole string, which burnt purple and lit up with a black flame. The string jerked and swirled, all the strands became one and rose, the flames merging into a whirlpool, a black and purple column of flame with moop and cand in the centre.

I will be king of matazone!

[Phyllis]

Hmm. moop, did you feel something? I think someone might have just attempted to win the fight in a completely lame, pansy-assed way. I guess he forgot about your 1-up t-shirt.

The ominous glow that has been emanating from moop's t-shirt intensifies. A strange noise rings out: bleep-bloop. Candice and moop appear on the sidelines, somewhat relieved that they didn't resurrect as some sort of four-legged, two-headed, beardy beast. The shirt is still in its experimental stages. Candice pours the tea from the fake Teapot over the fire, quenching it.

What a waste of perfectly good tea.

Candice and moop's 20 warriors (who are, she hastens to remind you, impervious to fire), angered by this insulting attempt to kill their masters, begin to hack into the real Teapot with their axes. Candice and moop brew a new pot of tea and laugh, watching him crumple to the floor in a bloody heap.

Because, dude, you can't just come back after a few days and say, "Oh, that wasn't even the real me!" Weak. At least the 1-up was already established.

Once the trees have done their work, Candice beats Teapot a few times with her shoe, just to be sure. She then retrieves his skull, dusts it off a bit, and offers it to Mata.

I hear that drinking wine from the skulls of one's enemies is fashionable in some circles. Enjoy your continued rule, sir.

Retrieving Carlos (seriously, where did this kid come from?) from where he is playing with a stick of dynamite on the floor, Candice puts her earrings back on, secures all of the razor blades that have slipped out of her hair, and walks with moop into the sunset...

...and into their secured bunker, just to be safe from any more pathetic attempts on their lives.

[Hobbes]

Hobbes charges out into the arena, holding his sniper-crowbar tightly. He lifts it aloft and...

Oh... did I miss it? The traffic was awful.

Hobbes goes back to his biscuits.

[Usurper MrTeapot]

*big lesigh*

No offense guys, but Scott Pilgrim would have been a rubbish series if there was only one book, and Scott got his arse handed to him.

[Pikasyuu]

Mata employed mods that weren't willing to lose for the sake of a literary plot device - it guards him against usurpers.

syuu(-sama, for china drink despensing devices) whips her hair and grins smugly.

[Phyllis]

No offense guys, but Scott Pilgrim would have been a rubbish series if there was only one book, and Scott got his arse handed to him.

It also would've been rubbish if Scott wandered away for 4 days, then came back and said, "Aha, you've been fighting a fake version of me! And now you're dead." I would've happily resumed the fight and died nobly in battle, but coming back and killing us right away? When you hadn't even attempted a single hit up to that point? No sir. I couldn't let it pass.

I didn't want to fight you to begin with, but first you attacked moop and then you tried to kill us off like a couple of ensigns in Star Trek who hadn't been kicking your porcelain bottom. You left me no choice.

I tried to tell you people I'm a pacifist. I'm not even supposed to be here today.

You're a teapot, though. Get a minion to glue you back together again and attack Hobbes while he's munching on his biscuits or something. Or you could always reanimate your skeleton, buy a cloak, and rock the Skeletor look.

moop, Carlos, and I will be in our bunker, playing video games and waiting to hear if we should emerge and congratulate Mata on his victory or hope our stock of canned food lasts until Teapot is usurped by someone else.

Speaking of Carlos, I think I did you a favour. The poor kid was abandoned, and then you went and murdered his adoptive parents right in front of him. Sounds like a superhero origin story to me. Not to mention that I left him in the care of syuu, who is set to be one of your future opponents, so you would've ended up killing his second caretaker as well. That's a surefire recipe for a grudge. He would've had to wear tights, and you would've had to concoct an unnecessarily complicated plot to rob blind nuns of their seeing eye dogs or similar, and it would've been a whole thing. It's better this way.

A tinny melody plays, seeming to come out of thin air. Teapot's skull gains 847 XP, a broken bottle, Carlos's soiled nappy, a tree warrior named Gerald who didn't like the look of the bunker, and a lesson about killing his foes with dignity.

[mooooooooooopo]

Nobody chooses to be a first level boss, man. Can you really blame me for taking some precautions and bringing along some protection (all of which were clearly evident before the battle you'll note, it's as if they want the protagonist to be prepared).

It's tough being an early level guardian or (I shudder to think) a miniboss, I can't even imagine how tough life is for your entry level video game minion. You're just swanning along minding your own business then all of a sudden some protagonist, hopped to the gills on 'magic' mushrooms, power tabs and snorting XP like Charlie Sheen comes along and stomps you flat. Even worse he thinks he's doing the right thing, he read it in some sacred 'manual' so it must be right.

You spend hours picking up the pieces and before you know it they're back again; short on XP and they gotta feed the monkey. Have you any idea how demeaning it is getting beaten to the point of spew out XP, berries and rainbow hearts 5 times a day? Freaking rainbow hearts man!

Sorry to usurp your usurpation but this has gotta be done. 1% of the video game characters get 99% of the victories. Bosses and entry level minions are the 99%. #OccupyQuestHubs

[Ashbless]

* Surfaces briefly from the storeroom. *

There are cookies here in the shape of small kittens. Dude that's just wrong. Nice decorating with the chocolate stripes though. But no it's wrong.

* Tosses into convenient lava pool *
* Vanishes back into Teapot's storeroom *

[Phyllis]

Lava pool? There is lava?!

Why have we been fighting, then? We could have tipped the lava all over the place and settled it through a really awesome game of The Floor Is Made of Lava.

Disappointed.