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> *sigh* So I Wrote A Poem.
PsychWardMike
post Dec 13 2004, 03:14 AM
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I look about the Hallowed halls
Walking with my brethren angels
From holy cell to holy cell
Governed by Seraphim

Or so I’m told.

I wonder silently who we,
My brethren and I, are.
Dangerous treading, I know
But boredom breeds bizarre thoughts

Are we Angels?
Or are we a Self Same God
That we were to adore?
But more importantly,
Should we be?

Or are we Demons?
Pencil Pitchforks in hand
With fiery tongues,
Bat wings and cat claws?

Or are we more than even that?

Denim Cowboys
Six guns in hand
(Or so we’d like to think)
But who are the Sheriffs?
Who are the outlaws?

The streets are our corral
A tricked out ride, our stallion
Our mighty forefathers tamed the west
But we are charged to conquer Ghetto Suburbia.

Are the Messiah?
Prophets? Buddhas?

Doubtful, but possible –
It’s getting less and less likely
With each passing day, hour, minute, second
But maybe.

Are we art?
Are we music?
Are we Latin Beats?
Simmering in a saucy samba?
Or are we jazz?
Flowing Water, Cooler than Ice?
Are we country? Rap?
(Suffice to say we are emo.)
Are we honky tonk blues?
Or super swingers?

Can we fly?

Are we gay? Bi?
Straight?
Or better yet, try?

Are we in the matrix?
Emoticons supplementing emotions?
X_X
Cyber punks posing as real humans?

Are we a sum? A product?

Are we vampires?
Models?
(We can always pose.)

Are we mice?
Dolphins?
Or dare I say…

Men?

Have we a gender?

A common tongue?
Do we have hearts?
Minds? Bodies? Souls?

Do we have rhythm?
Dancing to an unheard heart beat,
Not to a Drummer,
But a full band?

Are we rockers?
Or rollers?
Moss grows either way.

Are we star stuff?
Products of a shining sun
To return across the Galaxy
(At our own pace, of course.)

Or are we starbursts?
Brilliant light, but just a flash?

Can we eat lightning,
Breathe water,
All the while dancing on the wind?

Fuck, man, I don’t know.
No one asked anyway.
Suffice to say that we are.

No more, no less.
We are.

Aren’t we?


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I swear to God, the above post was not intended to incite flame wars or to offend you.
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artist.unknown
post Dec 13 2004, 03:51 AM
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sesquipedalian
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There's nothing I can say about this poem I haven't already, but I felt I should reply and reiterate: Mike, mate, you have to try and get this published. I loves it, really. Suffice to say, not only do I find the theme and imagery intriguing, but it's very pretty colours in my head. You have a gift for harmony and flow.


--------------------
-Grammar Nazi-quotes of the yesterday
It is only in his work that an artist can find reality and satisfaction, for the actual world is less intense than the world of his invention and consequently his life, without recourse to violent disorder, does not seem very substantial. -Tennessee Williams
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Twitching
post Dec 13 2004, 12:16 PM
Post #3


like peppermint aftertaste
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<3 this. Absolutely excellent.

...encore!


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trunks_girl26
post Dec 13 2004, 03:19 PM
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It's definately an awesome poem, whether or not you believe it. You have talent- you know it, I certainly know it and others do too (Holy s**t moment, remember?) Keep up the good work, and any time you want me to read somethin' of yours, just let me know.

-Ange


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The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return -Moulin Rouge
"Religion is a finger pointing ot the moon, but some people confuse the finger with the moon."
Truth is subjectivity - Kierkegaard
"I don't know anything; I never knew anything, but now I know I don't know"
"The important thing isn't to know Jesus, Mohamed or Buddah, but to know what they know"
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elphaba2
post Dec 13 2004, 11:32 PM
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I like this.

QUOTE
(Or are we Demons?
Pencil Pitchforks in hand
With fiery tongues)
^this is my favorite part

And thus, concisely, I conclude.


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JimiJimi
post Dec 14 2004, 08:43 PM
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Who-hoa! I have to agree with artist unknown here... you REALLY have to get this published. You could make a fair bit, you have real telent. Not just a couple of words strung together with a slight rhyme like today's 'popular' artists, such as Eminem (who I beleive should be burnt to the stake). Who said good poems need to rhyme?

If there was a clapping smiley, I'd use it, but I'll make this up for now... :CLAP) :CLAP)

Go for it, Mike. Or get eaten. Get your poems known!

And so on.


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Moosh
post Dec 14 2004, 09:12 PM
Post #7


I plug directly into my computer
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This is a seriously good poem Mike. I agree with the others when they say that you should get it published. You have talent


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QUOTE (Peter Griffin)
Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
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artist.unknown
post Dec 17 2004, 01:39 AM
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sesquipedalian
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The mere fact that the Creations regulars haven't burnt you to the stake just out of spite (you'd probably deserve it) indicates how good this is. tongue.gif


--------------------
-Grammar Nazi-quotes of the yesterday
It is only in his work that an artist can find reality and satisfaction, for the actual world is less intense than the world of his invention and consequently his life, without recourse to violent disorder, does not seem very substantial. -Tennessee Williams
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PsychWardMike
post Dec 18 2004, 05:53 AM
Post #9


I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power.
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And so I wrote another one. Here goes.

"Is there no Time,"
I ask of him
"For blossom's bloom in May?"

"Is there no time
For coffee talk
Over chai in the cafe?"

"Is there no time
For alleyways
In which to spend the night?"

"For alcohol,
For slummy bars
For human darkness and its light?"

"And what about,"
I asked of him,
"Of love and pain and joy?"

"Of silky talk
And satin touch
While Pretending to be coy?"

"Of doom, of myst
Of pixel earth
And loving bloodshot eyes?"

"The grinding hips
And kissing lips
Against the girls and guys?"

"Of green caffiene
Or brown or black
Or each color in between,"

"Of jazzy jive
Of java juic
Of tie dye and blue jeans?"

"Is there no time,"
I asked of him
"For mountains great and tall?"

"For oceans deep
For loving hot
For one more curtain call?"

He looked at me
And rolled his eyes
He leaned back and he said

"Now boy I think
That it's high time
For you to just forget,"

"Of Master Time
And Mistress Rhyme
Of reason and regret?"

For Hell is filled
Up to the brim
With clocks and time in debt"

"Not digital
No novelty
But there's no workmanship so fine,"

"For though sucking
Souls, Hell's great clocks
All keep perfect time"

"So rush rush rush
Down the pave'd road
To torture if you must"

"Or enter here,
If you be clear
Of wrath and pride and lust"

"So yeah there's time
For coffee, for
Pleasure, Jazz and tea"

"That ain't the point,
You need no time
To simply live and love and be"


--------------------
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Henshin a-go-go, baby.

I swear to God, the above post was not intended to incite flame wars or to offend you.
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PsychWardMike
post Dec 22 2004, 10:47 PM
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I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power.
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"Watercolor Reality"

I step onto the page
Seeing naught but a grim road,
Bulky boutiques, blasphemous buildings,
Stretching sidewalks, and frowning facades.

The passing people are smudges and swirls,
Tricks of the light, always an indefinite indifferent crowd
Stranger than strangers though ultimately normal

And their shadows dance
As they’ve nothing better to do
And an ever vigilant Myst watches constantly

And so I come upon the fat man and the skinny Jew
In the one acrylic building,
A barren brickéd Bistro,
Both begging for true company

And they speak of tea and love
And God and hope
Of dreams, of suffering,
The Ten Commandments, The Golden Rule, The Four Noble Truths

They speak of powerful weakness
Of fullness in fasting
And of mortal fear, but moreover, fear of mortals
They laugh and cry
And sip on meager cups, inviting me to sit a spell

But in this watercolor reality,
I see them only at a distance,
Hear them less than an echo,
And touch only a vaporous memory

And I walk the gravelly path set before me
Deeper and deeper into the paper of my own watercolor reality.


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Henshin a-go-go, baby.

I swear to God, the above post was not intended to incite flame wars or to offend you.
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trunks_girl26
post Dec 23 2004, 03:49 AM
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QUOTE (PsychWardMike @ Dec 18 2004, 05:53 AM)
And so I wrote another one.  Here goes.

"Is there no Time"


This is something those who feel they've "grown up" need to read- and learn from.

QUOTE (PsychWardMike @ Dec 22 2004, 10:47 PM)
"Watercolor Reality"

*


This one reminds me of a beautiful Monet painting. His work is much like the theme of this poem, being reality and illusion all at once. Though I do like your use of alliteration, maybe instead of varying the type (B's and P's being of one classification and S's H's and F's being of another) within a stanza, maybe devote one stanza to a type, perhaps?


--------------------
The greatest thing you'll ever learn is just to love, and be loved in return -Moulin Rouge
"Religion is a finger pointing ot the moon, but some people confuse the finger with the moon."
Truth is subjectivity - Kierkegaard
"I don't know anything; I never knew anything, but now I know I don't know"
"The important thing isn't to know Jesus, Mohamed or Buddah, but to know what they know"
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PsychWardMike
post Feb 3 2005, 03:00 AM
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Alright, as not to spam and not to be a complete whore, I'm going to add the lines to the poem I've been working on.

"Good Questions"

Who would win in a fight between Jesus and Buddah?
-----And would they fight at all?
How many shots must one shoot in the air
-----Before forty two angels will fall?

How many roads must a man walk down
-----Before he can say "That's enough"?
And exactly how much does it take to suffice
-----Exactly, pray tell, how much stuff?

Who is the man behind that damn mask?
-----Or is there a mask at all?
And what must I do (how many hail Maries?)
-----Before I get in Heav'n's hall?

And while on the matter, is there a heaven?
-----And while here, is there a hell?
And if those aren't my goals, how do I get rich?
-----Which pearl is in which shell?

---

Okay, it's an admitted work in progress. I know there are some sylabic errors and a little forced rhyme, but I wrote this in about ten minutes... there's more to be added and revised, but I like it thus far. (And the "---"s represent a tab. The forums don't allow it.)


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LPScythe
post May 20 2005, 05:57 PM
Post #13


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Forced rhyme is nevergood. ):
Well often not good.
Or something.
*cough*

I certainly like your work. Defenitely. Yes.

Though, the first I did not like all too well. For reasons I have currently forgotten, therefore shall stab at the back button twice, then forward twice to return here.

Two mistakes. I only needed to stab the back button once and forward button once.
And I love all your work.
Or maybe that's three mistakes.
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torn love notes
post Jul 13 2005, 09:12 PM
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Yeah, you are a better poet than me by far.


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~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
What is life but a death sentence waiting to be completed?
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tv with legs
post Jul 13 2005, 09:23 PM
Post #15


Has too much time on their hands
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PsychWardMike, you do have aright to critisize me, for you are the better poet.
ph34r.gif or are you.....


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WHEN THERES NOTHING LEFT TO BURN YOU HAVE TO SET YOUR SELF ON FIRE
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Astarael
post Sep 21 2005, 09:33 PM
Post #16


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I've been browsing some old threads for links and found this. Very well paced, all of them. The fourth (I believe) was a tad rough, but you have an excellent sense of rhythm and you know where the punctuation should fit. They're all quite interesting, though I liked "Good Questions" the best and "Watercolor Reality" the least. You have a good steady rhyme scheme for the nameless one about time. You made a few minor punctuation and spelling mistakes, but nothing that can't be fixed with a few minutes of quick editing. You really should get these published somewhere. This is better than all of the garbage I've been forced to read for Language Arts. (That came out slightly wrong... I mean that your stuff is better than what I have to read for school. smile.gif ) Anyway, I'd be happy to read more of your stuff if you see fit to post it.


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Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
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PsychWardMike
post Sep 22 2005, 12:00 AM
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I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power.
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Thanks for all the praise, but remember - don't put yourselves down to lift me up. I'm honored you think so, but poetry, I'm coming to learn, is for everyone and their varying degrees of commitment and proficiency.

So, I thank you but humbly request criticism.


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Daria
post Sep 22 2005, 01:07 PM
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Wait for the uprising
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Do you put your poems to music, or are they there to create their own?

I like the structure of them, and the way in which they flow. I especialy like the last one which ends (unfinished) "Which pearl is in which shell?". It just says something quite beautiful to me.


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DARIA IZ GOOD ON TOAST

TOAST IZ GOOD ON DARIA
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Astarael
post Sep 24 2005, 11:04 PM
Post #19


Browncoat
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I'm not putting myself down (if you meant me,) I just don't care much for writing poetry now, though I may eventually. Criticism... here I go. This is mostly spelling and the like.
- I believe that "tricked-out" needs a hyphen.
- You wrote "Buddah" in the last poem, but it should be "Buddha." You got it right in the first poem.
- "Forty-two angels." Numbers have hyphens, but it's a somewhat neglected rule.
- The H in "Hail Maries" is supposed to be capitalized, as it's a proper name.
- I thought that "Watercolor Reality" could do with some periods, but that's just an opinion, as I favor neatly punctuated poems. If your style for that poem says otherwise, leave them out. I'm rather fond of picking at nits. smile.gif
- "Self-same" is usually written with a hyphen.
- I'd stick a period at the end of the one about time for a sense of finality, but that one's up to you.
- "Watercolor Reality" had good alliteration, but a few parts seemed to have no rhythm. Maybe they did and I just didn't catch them.
Again, they're very good overall and you should publish them somewhere if you can. You have a touch of dry humor tucked in, and it may me grin a few times. I still love all of them except "Watercolor Reality," and I like that. There's just a few things about that bother me a bit, and I think I listed them above. They could be for the style of that poem, and 'tis still but one opinion. Anyway, thanks for posting these! smile.gif


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Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
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PsychWardMike
post Sep 26 2005, 09:09 PM
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Yes, but that's grammatical. Is there anything of a more poetic nature you'd like to comment on?


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I swear to God, the above post was not intended to incite flame wars or to offend you.
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Astarael
post Sep 27 2005, 02:37 AM
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Okay, I misunderstood. Poetical criticism coming right up.

QUOTE
Are we star stuff?
Products of a shining sun
To return across the Galaxy
(At our own pace, of course.)

Or are we starbursts?
Brilliant light, but just a flash?

I loved that bit. It seems to reflect human mortality in something besides the usual trite metaphors, and "at our own pace" seems independent.

"Watercolor Reality" seemed to be more blank verse than anything until about the middle. I'd settle into a rhythm and it would vanish with no warning, which irritated me. The end seemed better and moved more into the subject. It's more emotional near the end.

QUOTE
"Of silky talk
And satin touch
While Pretending to be coy?"

It seems as though "silken" would be better. Maybe it just sounds more seductive to me.

QUOTE
"That ain't the point,
You need no time
To simply live and love and be"

The very last line seems rather crowded. You have more syllables there than you do at the end of any other stanza (except the one with workmanship, but the rhythm seems to allow it there). Perhaps deleting either "simply," "live and," or "and love" would simplify it. "Be" is a good word to end with, so I'd leave it in.

QUOTE
Are we art?
Are we music?
Are we Latin Beats?
Simmering in a saucy samba?
Or are we jazz?
Flowing Water, Cooler than Ice?
Are we country? Rap?
(Suffice to say we are emo.)
Are we honky tonk blues?
Or super swingers?

The underlined line seems somewhat out of place. The rest of the stanza is about musical types, and this seems to cut across that and break the theme.

Overall I love your poems, but this stuff just sort of picked at me. Thanks for posting this for everyone to read! smile.gif


--------------------
Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
I am a leaf on the wind. See me soar.
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pgrmdave
post Oct 13 2005, 09:50 PM
Post #22


^random image of the day
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I said I would, so here goes.

The first poem was, in my opinion, far below where you can write. I mean, it does sound like an angsty, albeit intelligent, teenager's poem. I hated the ending, it was too obvious. Some of the imagery was okay, although a lot of it seemed cliche. There is no real rhythm to it, no real flow.

The second one was much better, although I had trouble understanding which speaker was speaking sometimes. Is there a reason you insist on using "myst" rather than "mist"? Unless you intend to bring up images of the supernatural or the video game, use mist. It's too long. Keep it simpler, don't try to say everything at once. If you can say something in ten stanzas or five, use five.

The third one...The first two stanzas were very good, then for some reason, you used "Myst", not just spelled that way, but capitalized. Then "brickéd" rather than brick. Why, oh why must you use it? It does come off as someone trying to sound poetic. It sounds forced. You can do better than that.

The fourth one:

QUOTE
How many shots must one shoot in the air
-----Before forty two angels will fall?

How many roads must a man walk down
-----Before he can say "That's enough"?
And exactly how much does it take to suffice
-----Exactly, pray tell, how much stuff?


Yes 'n how many lines can we write in this sytle
-----before we infringe copyrights?
The answer my friend, is blowin' in the wind
The answer was written by Dylan.



Overall, your poetry, while sometimes containing nice imagery, and occasionally having a good phrase or so, seems to be forced. You sound like you're trying to be something you're not, and I think that your poetry suffers. You speak in too many short, little quips, and I know that you would be better if you moved away from that.


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