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> Baby Tug-o-war, how can I help my little brother?
Wyvern
post Jan 3 2005, 12:53 AM
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Firstly if I've put this in the wrong place sorry wasnt sure if it was a daily or an issues thing.

Right please bare with the history I'll make it as brief as possible.

My younger brother and this lass are expecting a baby, it wasnt planned but after the initial shock of OMG what will we do etc.. they seemed to settle down to the idea. To be brutally honest they cant afford a baby but my brother is now doing everything he can to make sure it has a secure place when it arrives.
For reference he is 21, she is 22 so pretty much able to face something like this its not like they are kids anymore.

They have what could easily be called a volatile relationship, its only 12 weeks into the pregnancy and I know her hormones must be manic but something just doesnt scan right. Before we knew about the baby she broke off the whole relationship because she said she wanted a family by the time she was 24 and my brother wanted to wait a while. He's up to his ears in debt, they both still live at home and being a traditionalist at heart he wanted a home and everything first. Everything sorted they got back together etc..and suddenly 8 weeks later she's pregnant!
Apparently she was on the pill and taking all the precautions, but a few things she's said dont really add up and Im starting to wonder how accidental it is, to be honest I dont care the kid will be loved regardless and she's welcome into our family but she wont spend any time here and we've never met her mum either.

She see's my brother everyday at work and then expects him to cycle 3 miles to see her in the evenings, this wouldnt be so bad but if he spends one night at home or out with his mates she goes off on one and threatens to break it all off!
My brothers a good looking lad but its hard to see why she's so insecure he gives up pretty much everything to make her happy. This week alone the relationship has been off three times already and I dont get it, she says its off whilst they are working but as soon as he gets home she's demanding he cycle in the dark regardless of the conditions to see her to 'talk'. I worry about his safety but more Im worried about what its doing to him, I know its their relationship but she appears to have increased the stakes and now Im really concerned.

Last time they broke up because she wanted to dress the child in designer clothes (its not even born?!) and he was worried about a house and food and practical stuff, she was saying he didnt care about providing for her needs. Am I wrong should the childs survival basics come first?
Then she split because she didnt want to be a single mum, Im baffled, till they split she wasnt.
Most recently her reasoning was very similar but she threatened to get rid of the child, at the moment they are sort of together but she's tearing him apart and using the child to do it. Im not very impressed with her Im afraid, I like her but she is acting in a very childish manner its as if she wanted a family for the cosy image and only now is realising that it entails ALOT more!

I know this is probably their problem to sort but Im involved because he's asked my advice. He wants to be a father to this child when its born whether they are together or not but he is frightened that she can prevent his involvement if they arent. My brother is completely besotted with her and the child his face showing me the first scan pictures was a sight, he cant wait.

I am so proud for the first time Ive realised my little brother is growing up but for the first time he's come to me for help and I dont know how. I've always had answers in the past but this one has cut me up. Im keeping out of their relationship she doesnt know he's come to me but all I really want to do is take her to one side for a serious verbal slapping.

What it comes down to is he's asked me whether he needs to take any legal precautions and what he can do if things go nasty. I wondered if anyone could help because I have no idea what to do or where to go. I cant handle the thought of letting him down with something this important so please anyone help? ph34r.gif


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Feyliya
post Jan 3 2005, 01:09 AM
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He should most deffinitely see a lawyer. He doesn't need right now to retain one, all he needs is to find a respectable one and have a consultation. Hopefully the fee won't be all that much. If she really starts threatening to abort the baby, some places have laws where the father has a say in it. And if the relationship doesn't work out (which somehow I doubt it will...) he can sue for full or joint custody.

As for taking the little twit aside and giving her a verbal slapping, that might not be a very good idea. If she's normally a sensible girl, it might wake her up and make her realize what's really important. If she's not....well...all it'll do is make her hate you and demand your brother not to talk to you again. Maybe go out with her on a girl's night out? Just you and her, window-shopping for baby clothes and cribs and such. Make her a friend and see if you can use slight peer pressure to make her come around? I know it's sneaky, but when she's already threatened to abort the baby....


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Snugglebum the D...
post Jan 3 2005, 09:21 PM
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If I have my facts correct, if they are not married then he has absolutely NO rights whatsoever over this baby. She can do what the hell she likes with him/her. If she wants an abortion she can. If she decides that he is never to see the child then the best your brother can do is take her to court and unfortunately, the courts don't tend to favour the father very often.

Perhaps start by directing your brother to the Citizens Advice Bureau (your in the UK, yes?). They should be able to advise him on what his options are and they won't charge as a soliciter would.

It has to be said - if he's thinking about this sort of stuff BEFORE the child has even been born then it really doesn't bode well for the relationship on the whole. Keep us posted.


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Wyvern
post Jan 3 2005, 10:10 PM
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Nope they aren't married which Im aware throws up all sorts of problems.

Also I agree at this point nothing seems to bode well for the relationship and I think it may have been wishful thinking on his part trying to hold on to it. I really hope Im wrong and it works but somehow, well...I think you might see my problem with that. unsure.gif

Thing is I wish he wasnt having to think about this sort of thing now but she's got him pretty much pinned into it. I think he's trying to focus on what to do when the little one arrives and I dont think he could live with himself if he had to walk away.

Thankyou all for your help at the moment he's waiting to see how things go, we all want to avoid the legal stuff unless its absolutely necessary which I pray it never is!

I have tried just trying to chat with her about completely unrelated stuff but I dont think she wants to get to know us which is sad because she seems lovely when she wants to be. I cant force it and I wont, I think all I can do is pass on what you've said then sit back and watch how they handle it. Isn't easy but then its something they have to work out I can only be there if they need me, so for now I think I lurk! wink.gif


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[CENTER]Proud participator in the Noob adoption sharing scheme.
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Snugglebum the D...
post Jan 4 2005, 12:21 AM
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It is a very tricky situation. I respect your brother for trying his very best to do the right thing under these circumstances, it must be very diffecult for him.


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Art should be an expression of what humanity is capable of imagining - not limited to representing that which surrounds us - Demetrios Vakras
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Wyvern
post May 16 2005, 08:35 PM
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Just thought Id drop this in.

Thanks for all the assistance, had a talk with my brother and things although still a little rocky are much better, its taken alot of work on all sides but hey Im not knocking the results! They have a few priority issues but Im pretty sure that when the little one arrives those will be soon put in place. biggrin.gif

The little mite will apparently be a little she, to terrorise the world as she grows up especially with assistance from her aunt Wyvern...Oh my me an aunt! blink.gif and probably direct or indirect influence of our own Evil Anti- Cath which could be interesting indeed. tongue.gif

Ah well just thought Id let you all know that Millie Skye-Aurora (surname undecided) is due to arrive around about July 20th. So I may have a sudden out of character attack of soppiness...please humour me till it passes. smile.gif

Thanks again for the help. x


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[CENTER]Proud participator in the Noob adoption sharing scheme.
Trial specimen: Raevnkite.
Progress:Progressing Nicely


Tribe Wyvern:Come visit!
Im Irishguys Pockety Pet!!!
[/CENTER]
Maps alter your perceptions, confuse your mind and make familiar things seem very strange and thats before you unpack the compass...
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