 Critiques Please!, A poem for school... |
 Apr 29 2005, 04:01 AM
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 Super Cool  Group: Established Members Posts: 609 Joined: 6-April 05 From: That one country over there--> Member No.: 1,734 Gender: Female  |
Hello, its me again with another poem. But this one's different, it has to be for school! *gasp* So before embarassing myself by reading it in class, I need help! Please, I want complete honesty! (PWM, you would be very useful here
 )So anyways... Daddy came home smelling funny tonight The way he usually does before he gets in a fight Mommy started crying and ran upstairs Sobbing something about how nobody cares I don’t know what’s happening to Dad And I hate to see my mom so sad *** I heard a noise and woke up in the night In my mom’s room there was a light I peeked through a notch in the door Just in time to see Mommy hit the floor It’s the fourth time it’s happened cause Daddy was high All Mommy can do is just cry and cry *** Daddy’s been gone for a few days now But I don’t know to where or why or how My auntie came over looking all sour And her and Mommy sat and talked for an hour Said something about “drunk driving” and “jail” I’ve never seen Mommy looking so pale *** This afternoon I came home from school And I closed the door to shut out the cool I heard quiet crying coming from upstairs But it suddenly cut off like a paper tears Mom hung from the rafters not touching the floor But at least she’s not crying anymore So, hopefully its not too horrible... help please! 
-------------------- Subliminal LIMINAL!! |
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May 2 2005, 04:38 PM
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 Has too much time on their hands Group: Established Members Posts: 330 Joined: 9-March 04 From: Norwich UK Member No.: 1,001 |
Its a pretty dreadful poem in my eyes, but I'm sure its exactly what your teacher is going to have wanted.
Its a bit sing-song and childrens rhyme-ish to me, not what I find I like in terms of poetry, and the topic isn't one I'd ever want to read about. However I remember having to write similar stuff in school and I hope you get a good grade for it. -------------------- Grass is taking over the world. Have you noticed it’s everywhere?
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Posts in this topic
Apollyon Critiques Please! Apr 29 2005, 04:01 AM
PsychWardMike It's going places and I like the last line, ho... Apr 29 2005, 04:43 AM Apollyon Ya, it has to be an alcohol/drug related poem.
An... Apr 29 2005, 04:47 AM PsychWardMike Well, I won't swear that these are actual poet... Apr 29 2005, 05:12 AM
Greeneyes QUOTE (PsychWardMike @ Apr 29 2005, 05:12 AM)... Apr 29 2005, 09:58 PM gothictheysay Learned 'em in English last week as True Rhyme... Apr 30 2005, 02:52 PM pgrmdave QUOTE (PWM)Okay, one of the first and foremost rul... May 2 2005, 06:14 PM beleraphon Its been proved that ring a rosy was being sung by... May 2 2005, 08:31 PM Apollyon I was sort of trying to make it like a child's... May 6 2005, 10:27 PM rainbowclogs I found it profoundly disturbing in the right way ... May 6 2005, 10:33 PM Apollyon Thanks so much! May 7 2005, 04:04 PM |
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