Someone To Run To., Incl:loneliness,illness,family,friends Options

[Hobbes]

I probably visit this area of the forum the least often. Not because I don't care about other people's "personal concerns", but because I usually find it hard to think of something to write in reply. The good advice has usually been already provided by the time I read the original post, and I don't just want to repeat it all - so I don't post.

And I usually don't start a topic because I never feel that my own problems are all that important to shout out about, or I just feel silly complaining when I know other people are much bigger problems.

But today I post.
Indeed, I start a topic.

And purely just to vent.

* / *

As a couple of people here might know, my mum hasn't been well the last two years or so. She was diagnosed with bowel cancer after being very ill for a while, and went through some operations, and then chemotherapy. During the treatments (three series of treatments so far, I think) she hasn't been massively, horribly ill or anything, but has had some days better or worse than others. Sickness mainly, and upsets with the drugs, etc. But nothing considered horribly serious.

She finished her 3rd course of treatment two weeks ago, and then over the weekend didn't feel all that well at all. Last week, at 4am on Tuesday morning, she had a fit, and we ended up at A & E. About two hours later, she was okay again and just felt like she'd slept through it - albeit not feeling 100%. No-one knew what caused it, and a visit to the Doctor the next day didn't really show any insight... but he said he wanted her to have an MRI scan on her head done, to check whether it is to do with her pituitary gland (a benign growth was found on this about four years ago). Anyway, in order to bypass a waiting list (four weeks for an urgent scan), they asked her to come in on Friday night, and stay until Saturday afternoon. Then come in again on Sunday night. This would class her as an "in-patient" rather than an "out-patient", and thus the scan would be on Monday.

So, yesterday she had her scan, and waited for the results which didn't come until this afternoon (so she stayed in overnight on Monday too). I saw my dad at home, where he'd nipped back to pick some stuff up to take back to my mum (he's spent much of his time as possible at the hospital), and he said the scan results were fine, nothing to worry about. Then he went back to the hospital.

My sister and I went up to visit her at about 7:30pm today, and when we got there she was sitting up in bed, with one hand to her head, just sitting motionless. My dad said, "She's not well, a doctor is coming." She didn't seem to notice we were then, and I felt that perhaps this was the onset of another fit. We were there for, perhaps 5 minutes, then I saw her hand start shaking, then her head, then her eyes rolled back and she seemed to be looking up. I moved to her, seeing what was happening, as did my dad, and he called out for one of the nurses who rushed in (me and my sister then stepped out to allow access) and set off an alarm - to which about 6 nurses came running down to.

My sister and I stayed in the visitors rooms for about and hour or so, and then my dad came in to say that she had had another fit, and then was coming round, but had a couple more after that. He told us just to go home for now, and he would stay there as long as possible. We saw our mum again, and she was just laying there, with an oxygen mask on, totally unaware of anything - clearly in the afterstages of a fit.

And so we left.


And... I feel worried in so many ways. Worried about my mum, and what these fits mean, and what is happening right now at the hospital - whether she is constantly having them right now, and why. And whether it is just a drug/chemo-related thing, or whether it is something else. And I'm worried about my dad, who always seems so calm, yet I can the worry in his eyes. And he's just looking strong all the time, for everyone else's benefit.

And now I'm back at home, alone at the moment. And I feel very lonely. What I want is a friend, or girlfriend, or someone special to me, to just cuddle up to right now. My sister has her husband, and I know she's trying to look strong all the time too, yet once she gets home and away from us, starts crying to let it all out. And I don't feel I can really just sit with her or anything. And my dad acts strong, and I would be there for him if he needed a shoulder to cry on, but I don't feel I can go to him for that... or that it would be right to. He's trying to keep things together, and the last thing he needs is for me to start blubbering about it - when he's going through all this even more than I am.

And, even though i moved here over two years ago, I have no friends here at all. So I have no one to go to. And I really feel incredibly alone. And then feel guilty for feeling like this, when my mum is going through something so frightening.

The only people I feel like I speak to, that can be almost classed as "friends", is my brother-in-law's daughter, who I occasionally work with. But again, although we often chat about "personal concerns", we aren't really that close. And it would be hugely strange to go to her. And I don't think I could. And then the other is a 13 year old girl - who also works with me about once a week, and is the daughter of a guy that also works with me. And we get on quite well with each other, and have a laugh. But, well, like I say, she's 13. And I'm 22. And it is just weird to try and emotionally release to a 13 year old. Even though she probably would understand, and be supporting. It's just an odd person to turn to.

So...

lonely

Full stop.

[patback87]

Kind of late, but I know whats its like to lose someone like that I had 3 Great Aunts and 1 Great uncle all die with in a month of each a other a few years back. One of them I was very close with and it is hard to watch that person struggle to live, although to make a little light of it my Aunt knew she was dying and would often say when the nurses asked if she was ok "I'm dying!" I do miss her alot but she was very old 92 if I remember correctly. It was kind of like they were lonely with out each other, the one I was the closest to was the 2nd to last to go, she in her younger years had been the one that took care of everyone, it was almost as if she had no one to take care of anymore and she felt her job was done in a sense, if that makes any sense.