Thanks For Being My Family, Something almost happened. Options

[Righteous]

I don't do well at night, emotionally, that is. Last night (or rather, early this morning), I was in a depressive haze. I've been having issues with, among other things my Faith and wasn't thinking quite clearly. I walked into the bathroom to wash my makeup off and saw the pencil sharpener I use for my eyeliner pencils lying on the counter. I thought to myself, "There's a screwdriver in the other room. I could easily take the razor blades off of that and cut my wrist."

A lot happened in my mind over the past few moments.

I felt a spiritual shockwave go through my body (long story). The first person to come to my head was Spiffy (though we no longer date, we're still really close). Immediately following was her mom, then Lo, Frog, Mick and Narthie. Suddenly my head was filled with images, some from the family album, others avatars I've stared at for hours on end. I then invisioned Mata at his comp with a devistated look on his face calling Sues over saying something akin to, "You know that guy Righteous? He's dead." I then invisioned Narthie in the arms of her boyfriend crying her eyes our. I then invisioned a pond with multiple pillars in it. A stone was dropped into the middle and the resulting ripples caused more to come off of each pillar. I envisioned my wrist bleeding and Spiffy crying into her hands. It then occured to me that you guys are a lot less judgemental than my biological family. After another swarm of random images, posts and PMs, I snapped back into reality and foundmyself still staring ar the pencil sharpener I use for my eyeliner pencils. I washed my face, turned around, hit the light and went to sleep.

I'm not quite sure what could have happened last night, if anything, but I'm glad it didn't, whatever it was, I'm glad it didn't. I love you guys. Thanks for being my family.

[MistressAlti]

I'm glad you came out of that episode okay... I would have cried for you. I'm glad I didn't have to.

That said, perhaps you need better coping methods. I know you're suffering from mental diseases and it's understandable, but you need to live for you, not for other people.

[Righteous]

That said, perhaps you need better coping methods. I know you're suffering from mental diseases and it's understandable, but you need to live for you, not for other people.

Missy, I won't tell you again. Stop being right. Stop. Right now.

And it's not just mental diseases plural; it's three plus a nerve problem (which is why I shake all the time).

It was difficult to begin with to stop you arguing with people, but I always felt that you just wanted to be able to talk freely.

You'd be a stubborn, argumentative, ultra-defensive little bitch too if you had a screwed-up brain, got made fun of a lot and bought into the whole "BOys don't cry and guys don't express their feelings" lie at a young age.

In my psych class last semester, my professor described some people as being like tea kettles whose spouts are closed. The pressure, he said, has to be relieved or else the person will explode. What I have to deal with is people, even those I'm close to, saying things that hurt or anger me but I'm, like, mentally unable to say anything. So, option A is out. Option B includes me stomping a hole in someone's gut. Mmkay, no. So I stuff my pain down with the other crap that's been accumulating for sixteen to eighteen years (I started mutilating myself at four; I'm not joking). This is option C which includes things like drinking, cutting, sulking for hours on end, doing drugs, blugeoning the Hell out of my face, smoking half a pack of fags in one sitting and destroying random things.

The next step is to think 'I could do that, but I don't want to' without thinking of us, then you will have learnt to value yourself as we value you.

When I was a kid, my mom had on the wall a picture with the poem "Children Are What They Live." I didn't pay much mind to it until I got into psychology and I read some of Maria Montessori's work (my mom's a teacher). I've grown up with the mentality that I, James "Ri" Douglas, am wortless. I guess you can figure what that does to a young man's self-esteem. I grew up with the mentality of "I may be worthless, but I can do a lot of good for people and that's a reason to live." Honestly, since Tragick's emerging and my wrestling under Coach E, I've been able to become more self-serving. I still measure my worth as a person by what I do for others and it still pisses me off.

Imagine being a screwed-up fifteen-year-old at the genesis of his Faith in God (no pun intended). Imagine hating yourself with such a passion that you would stay up until four in the morning crying your eyes out repeating to yourself over and over "For God so loved the world He gave His only begotten Son so that ANY who believe in him shall die, but have everlasting life." The reason you repeat that to yourself over and over for hours on end because you can't believe that any being, let alone the creator of the universe, would love you to any extent. Whenever I talk about having an issue with my Faith, it's a variation of that.

Mata, I've said it before and meant it each time, without this place, I'd be dead, institutionalized or in prison.

And I didn't mean to think about you guys in the manner I did. I'm glad I did, but I made it out to be different than it was. It was like, BAM! Spiffy. BAM! Ms. Sandy. BAM! LoLo. BAM! Froggy. BAM! Mike. BAM! Narthie. BAMSaucyTaraBAMSilverStarAngelBAMMissyBAMMataBAMErinBAMJonmanBAMCommieBAMBAMBAMBAMBAM! Avatar, avatar, avatar, avatar, avatar, avatar. "Hey, Sues. Come here..." "Steph, what's wrong?" Pond with pillars. Pebble. Drop. Ripple. Bloody wrist. Spiffy crying her gray eyes out. Holy Hell, the guys from Matazone would take this way better than anyone in my family. West Coast Mata Meet, Favorite Lyrics, British English vs. American English, Word Association, Issues Forum, Daft, Matazone Family Album, "Happy Birthday, Ri," "Please learn to spell my name right," "Is is okay if I call you J-man?" affirmative action, abortion, "Righteous looks like my exboyfriend in that picture," Okay, why am I still staring at my pincil sharpener?

Okay, that was a dramatisation, but you get the idea. Stuff like that happens a lot in my head. Imagine what happens when I get creative.

Now, before I babble even worse, I've to get some sleep. I love you guys. I will now pass out on my couch watching Label Kills.