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{Gothic Angel}
post Aug 13 2005, 09:16 PM
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This is going to be a mess.

I feel kinda bad posting this here considering I've ranted twice about work in the last couple weeks, but it's getting to the point where I just feel like screaming all the time. I've been avoiding making this post for years... practically since I joined the forum. I hate whinging, I've always been told that you should sort problems out, not whinge about them, and you never ever talk about figths because that's bitching and causing trouble and stirring things up which have already been solved and stuff... And I don't talk about feelings, cos I get told off for being hysterical if I get emotional. And now I'm whinging about how hard it is for me to post a whinge. Shut up Jen.

I'm 17. I work hard in school. I have a good future ahead of me, so I'm told. My parents split up when I was 11. When I was 10, on the summer holiday before year 6 (and before my SATs), we went on a barge holiday with a big group of friends, which was like a tradition for us. There had apparently been things not right between my parents for years, but they'd kept it all nicely hidden from us kids. We were taken away from the holiday one morning, and mum and dad took us to a cottage. As we walked to the car, I saw one of my best friends being hugged by her mum and saying "Doesn't their dad love their mum anymore?". That was the last time I saw the woman who had an affair with my dad.

After a few months, my dad moved out. That couple of years was pretty bad, as you might expect. I went through all the things everyone does - crying, not eating, self harm, shoplifting, etc. The problem was, I was always daddy's girl. I never hated my mum or anything, just when my sister was little, dad could take me off and do things to distract me from pestering mum and her, so I was naturally close to my dad. When he left, I wanted to be on my own, and mum wanted to stick together as a family of us girls... and I think that's probably where the trouble began.

I love my mum very much. I have spent my life working to be a good daughter for her, which is no easy task, believe me. I do come near the top in every class - not because I'm especially clever, but because I work my ass off all the time, to make mum proud. I always call. If I go out, I've arraned it 6 weeks in advance, and it's been on the calendar. She has all my contact details and the details of at least 2 other people. And a full list of where I'll be and when. I look after my little sister. I feed the cats. I offer to help with the shopping if I have a free day. I've spent years having half an hour a night on the internet because she thought that the internet was the reason I was "antisocial and morbid" (and you'll notice my sister is still having all the time fom when she gets in from school, to when I go on at about 9pm, even though she's now having her morbid phase).

So, y'know, all things considered I think I'm a pretty good daughter.

I don't know why, but she hates me. I know all teenagers fight with their parents, but me and mum fighting is different. I don't have to exaggerate to my friends about how hard my life is - I just tell them what really happened and they're shocked. Their parents are shocked. I can't remember the last day I didn't have a fight with mum. I get told off on a daily basis, whatever I do. Nothing I acheive is good enough. I got 6 As and 4 Bs in my GCSEs, which wasn't the best I could do, but she flamed me for it. She actually reduced me to tears and convinced me I would never get anywhere in life. And she just did it by makng it clear I was a disappointingly pathetic excuse for a daughter. Today she told me that next week, when I'm at my dad's house on holiday, I can't expect to be allowed to be at her house on the friday night to get to work on saturday, because this house is her's not mine, and it's not my home. If I'm in my stepmum's house in didcot, I have to get up at 6 to be ther for 8:30 I'm told pretty much daily that I:

- am rude
- am inconsiderate
- am selfish
- am intolerant
- have an attitude problem
- have a chip on my shoulder
- am manipulative
- deliberately try to hurt people
- hate her
- go out of my way to make life miserable for her
- am "just like my dad" (and she DOES say this, though she'll deny it if quoted)
- am manipulative

... the list goes on. If if fight back, I'm being hysterical. And this is a word she uses to a ridiculous extent. I had a huge fight with my then-closest friend Katie a couple of months ago. It ended our friendship permenantly- I can't trust people, and she'd broken my trust fairly seriously. I was really upset. I went to mum, and told her what had happened, as I told her, I started crying. At the end I asked for a hug and she looked at me and told me I was being hysterical and she wasn't going to give me one. My manipulative, uncaring, selfish father, on the other hand, spent an hour on the phone to me making it right. If i complain about this she says "If you hate me so much, why don't you just go and live with your father?". She knows full well that I can't. Dad lives with his g/f in didcot, and I don't want to live there, I want to be here with my life and my friends and my sister. If I talk to her maturely without getting stressed out I'm being maipulative to get my own way.

She's hypocritical - anything I do is wrong, even if it's exactly what she said and did and asked for.

She's stubborn - me, my sister and my stepdad all insisted that she was wrong on one occasion and she still won the argument because she has all the power.

She's manipulative, particularly emotionally - she frequently guilts me into saying and doing what she wants.

She does things like have a fight with me, then come into my room when I'm in bed that night and "talk" about it, which basically means she traps me there until I admit she's right and I'm scum.

Argh... I feel bad posting this. And I'm tired and upset, so it's incomplete and rambling. But yeah. I can't cope with this. Three nights in four I cry myself to sleep. I just want to stop feeling like this all the time.


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little_bear
post Aug 13 2005, 11:09 PM
Post #2


I could have written a short novel by this point
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Youch. That sucks pretty hard.

I'm quite aware that my advice is about as useful as a chocolate teapot, so I'll keep any advice that I do give out as brief as possible.

I experience a similar thing at home, but obviously not to the extent that you experience it. To be frank, I'm at a loss for words, but I'm guessing right now all you want is someone to listen.

Tbh, harsh as it may be, but the sooner you get out of that house, the better. I live with religious nuts for parents, and I can't wait to get out. It's not doing you any good, being there, and taking all that stuff.

Whoa, weird stuff. Just as I was typing this, Take the Power Back by Rage Against the Machine came on. Imo, that's precisely what you have to do. Quite how, I don't know. Besides, it's such a kick ass song. wink.gif

And so ends another empty, meaningless, rambling post. If you ever want someone to scream, shout, talk to about stuff, hook me up on MSN, or whatever.

*squishy hugs*


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depressed lonely...
post Aug 13 2005, 11:27 PM
Post #3


Depressed, Lonely and getting crazier by the day!
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from the ay you decribe it your having the exact same problems as I am with my mum.
And as I'm sure your aware it sucks, I don't have any more ideas on how to deal with it than you do, It's just insane and emotional abuse, Our mums are crazy psyho bitches and there's nothing to be done about it.


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Kitty
post Aug 14 2005, 02:59 AM
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I agree with DLCP, you really cant do anything about it. As stupid as it may sound. The best you really can do is hang in there for a bit longer, you seem to have been holding out very well. I think I speak for most of us here that we'll be glad to listen to your rants and try to comfort you as much as possible.


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trunks_girl26
post Aug 14 2005, 05:15 AM
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Wow, that's rough. sad.gif

I think (and bare with me here, as I may not be right) your mother may be punishing you because of your father's affair, which is completely wrong and unfair of her to do.

What you can do to try and change things between you and your mother is sit down with her and calmly (calmly being the key word) address your concerns with her. Let her know exactly how you feel you're being treated, but make sure you tell her in a clam, rational, mature way.

If that can't be done, then, as hard as it is, just try to ride it out until you go off to school.

If you need someone to talk to about it, even vent, feel free to PM or IM me.

*hugs*


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Tarantio
post Aug 14 2005, 06:07 AM
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I had a fairly similar situation with my own mother, though it was after her second divorce that it happened, when I was about 16 - 17. She went through a lot of emotional and physical stress then and I did everything I could to help her out, and she thanked me for it every day, until she began to get over it all and heal. When that happened I became the root of all lifes problems - I was insulted, shouted at, blamed for things I hadn't been responsible for, mistrusted and worse, treated like a slave in my own home. I hate to say it but the answer for me was moving out. One night I just got so sick of it I packed a bag and moved to my Dad's house. I was lucky with that because I had a room there for myself and it was still near to my friends and such, and because I was welcome there, and if it hadn't been available I don't know what I would have done...

Now your mother is a completely different person than mine, and believe me when I say she's probably a better one as well, so I can't tell you if its going to get better or worse, I can't say whether its going to blow over, all I can say is that sometimes the best way to deal with this is to get some distance between the two of you, if only for a little while. Now that I'm no longer around her all day I can actually stand to talk to my mum and treat her like any other person, albeit with a little caution as to how I address her, but its certainly a better relationship than when I was within easy punching-bag reach.

When I moved out at first it wasn't anything permanent, I would just go and stay with my dad for a few days a week or over a weekend or something, and I reckon that the time apart healed things enough that I could have moved back in - so running away needn't be permanent, or a bad thing - but I found life easier with my dad, so I decided to move in permanently. Now I have more space, more responsibility and more fun, as well as someone to have a decent conversation with and watch Top Gear with too... but what I'm trying to say is if you have good times at home that you don't want to give up, even a small break will work wonders on the relationship with your mother. I really hope, since you say you were closer with your father, that he can help you out with this, because when my mum was being at least as evil as yours it practically saved my life to get some space.

Sorry, I'm going on... hope things get better for the two of you!

EDIT: oh, and P.S. you said that she told you to "go live with your father"; although she'll say it like she means it, in this at least you have power over her. Tell her okay, pack a bag and leave. Mine took a month to beg me to come back to help out around the house and babysit for my little brother, and when they realise they need you around they shut up about a lot of things and start thinking about how they treat you a liitle more. Mothers are like any other female - none of them know what they want until its gone, and they'll do anything to get it back when it is (no offense intended, it takes age to do that to a woman wink.gif)


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Quoth(The Raven)
post Aug 14 2005, 06:27 AM
Post #7


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You need to get out of there, as soon as possible...

Now, I'm not trying to second guess you, here, but I know from experience, that when one is depressed, it's easy to overlook possibilities, in favor of staying in an unhappy situation. We get used to a certain level of pain, can't imagine life without it, and are afraid to really try to find a way out. Have you talked to your father, about living with him, and his girlfriend? Or have you just assumed you'd be in the way? I'd be proud of you, if I were your father...

Beleive me, nothing you can do for your mother will make a difference. This is her problem, not yours, and SHE must recognise that, and work it out. I know that's very little comfort... But, when a parent stops being supportive of her child, and the child has done everything she can, then the child owes nothing to the parent, not even respect.

Is there a counselor, at your school? You need a professional listener, someone trained, and willing, to help.

Also, at 17, you have only a few more years to go, before you can leave for college, or to be out on your own... hang in there.

And, never be afraid to talk to any of us, here... You have literally hundreds of sympathetic ears, and broad shoulders to cry on, here. We've all been there, some in better conditions, some in worse. The worst thing you can do is hold it in... It eats at you like an acid, and without the perspective that others outside of your circumstances can give, the tendency is to think we're alone. You're not alone. Ever.


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depressed lonely...
post Aug 14 2005, 07:49 AM
Post #8


Depressed, Lonely and getting crazier by the day!
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You see my mother, we've had 4 screaming fights today and are still having a drawn out one now
I enter a room she pretends to care and then tells me my brother wouldn't have to hit me if I'd just not ask him to take his blanket, pillow, clothes, shoes, logs, wood carving stuff and chain mail stuff out of the lounge room and that it's my asking for things that causes everyone to hate me.
I never do anything to help (apparently)
When the house is a mess it's me being slack (but I never do anything)
If there's nothing for dinner it's because I over cook ( there are no leftovers)
I have no right to my own money and no she won't sign so my payments go into my account (even when I agree to pay rent)
I'm insane and irrational and if I tell anyone she'll have me institutionallised
I'm lazy
I'm a slut
I make everyone think our family/house is poor/insane/a brothel/the home of a speed/meth cook
I cause people to look at her/us and think we're worthless
I am the reason she has to give up everything/anything( if I didn't have problems at school she'd be at uni, If I wasn't doing well at school she'd be at the archive centre)
I ask for things constantly
My clothing costs more than anyone elses (My outfits are $35 each my brothers trousers are$40 a pair)
I'm the cause of all things bad And everything is allways going to be my fault.
And I'm selfish



*sorry to hijack the thread it just seemed relevant*


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Kitty
post Aug 14 2005, 01:35 PM
Post #9


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QUOTE (Tarantio @ Aug 14 2005, 02:07 AM)
Now that I'm no longer around her all day I can actually stand to talk to my mum and treat her like any other person, albeit with a little caution as to how I address her, but its certainly a better relationship than when I was within easy punching-bag reach.
*


Just felt a need to say that thats also true for me. Though I've never been in a situation where either of my parents are abusive, I've been in situations where they start to annoy me so much that I'm constantly angry at them and cant get a grip on myself. I get in a state where I cant listen to what they say without my temples throbbing and just wanting to make them shut up. When that happens I usually end up distancing myself for a while, going to my friend's house and such, hanging out with the more liked parent at the time and usually it blows over and I can go back to talking and listening to them normally.


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Tarantio
post Aug 14 2005, 03:07 PM
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QUOTE (K!77y @ Aug 14 2005, 01:35 PM)
QUOTE (Tarantio @ Aug 14 2005, 02:07 AM)
Now that I'm no longer around her all day I can actually stand to talk to my mum and treat her like any other person, albeit with a little caution as to how I address her, but its certainly a better relationship than when I was within easy punching-bag reach.
*


Just felt a need to say that thats also true for me. Though I've never been in a situation where either of my parents are abusive, I've been in situations where they start to annoy me so much that I'm constantly angry at them and cant get a grip on myself. I get in a state where I cant listen to what they say without my temples throbbing and just wanting to make them shut up. When that happens I usually end up distancing myself for a while, going to my friend's house and such, hanging out with the more liked parent at the time and usually it blows over and I can go back to talking and listening to them normally.
*



My parents were never abusive, I meant punching-bag as in emotionally. She knew better than to mess with me because I had had a violent childhood (anyone who knows where Dace comes from knows that story already, so I shaln't go into it again). If one of them had ever hit me I would have hit them right back. We're in a world of equals these days, and there are some things no one should have to put up with.


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Daria
post Aug 14 2005, 09:04 PM
Post #11


Wait for the uprising
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I know this wouldn't really help in the long term, but I want to give you a really big hug.
smile.gif

My parents split up when I was 12, because of things my father did so my mum was/is still the "good" party. I just wish I had a house/ parent I could trun to when I have had enough of my mum and her guilt trips and insults.

My only advice is to stay strong. She probably needs and loves you so much more than you think, and that you need to show her just how much she needs you. The advice above about actually packing your bags and saying "ok, I will leave" would probably do the trick, even if you didn't stay at your dad's, but at a friends instead.

I hope you all the best, and I wish I could make things magicaly better for you.


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{Gothic Angel}
post Aug 18 2005, 11:43 AM
Post #12


My direction
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QUOTE (Quoth(The Raven) @ Aug 14 2005, 06:27 AM)
You need to get out of there, as soon as possible...

Now, I'm not trying to second guess you, here, but I know from experience, that when one is depressed, it's easy to overlook possibilities, in favor of staying in an unhappy situation.  We get used to a certain level of pain, can't imagine life without it, and are afraid to really try to find a way out.  Have you talked to your father, about living with him, and his girlfriend? Or have you just assumed you'd be in the way?  I'd be proud of you, if I were your father...


I'm no entirely sure how things would work out. As far as I can tell, my dad basically boards with his girlfriend, I think they're planning to move into her house together, but I don't know how official it all is, so I would kinda be boarding with someone who was already there only unoificially and stuff... I would fee awkward. And again, it's all the way to bloody didcot every day for school, cos I'm not leaving my friends and my life. I did storm out on her once, to go and stay with my friend for a while, but she followed me up the road shouting, and physically pulled me back. By my hair. All in all, I still think the "stick it out till Uni" thing will work better. Unfortunately.


QUOTE (depressed lonely crazy person @ Aug 14 2005, 07:49 AM)
You see my mother, we've had 4 screaming fights today and are still having a drawn out one now
I enter a room she pretends to care and then tells me my brother wouldn't have to hit me if I'd just not ask him to take his blanket, pillow, clothes, shoes, logs, wood carving stuff and chain mail stuff out of the lounge room and that it's my asking for things that causes everyone to hate me.
I never do anything to help (apparently)
When the house is a mess it's me being slack (but I never do anything)
If there's nothing for dinner it's because I over cook ( there are no leftovers)
I have no right to my own money and no she won't sign so my payments go into my account (even when I agree to pay rent)
I'm insane and irrational and if I tell anyone she'll have me institutionallised
I'm lazy
I'm a slut
I make everyone think our family/house is poor/insane/a brothel/the home of a speed/meth cook
I cause people to look at her/us and think we're worthless
I am the reason she has to give up everything/anything( if I didn't have problems at school she'd be at uni, If I wasn't doing well at school she'd be at the archive centre)
I ask for things constantly
My clothing costs more than anyone elses (My outfits are $35 each my brothers trousers are$40 a pair)
I'm the cause of all things bad And everything is allways going to be my fault.
And I'm selfish
*


*Nods* *Hugs* Mum was looking into psychotherapy for me, due to my "emotional and psychological irrationalities and instabilities". I went to see the school councellor, on advice from our matron, and was immediately told I was making her look like a bad parent deliberately, for attention, and how dare I seek outside help for my problems, that was the selfish and lazy way out. They can never make up their goddamn minds.

Meh. Thanks for the support and stuff. I'm pretty sure it really is just a case of waiting it out till I can get away, but it's still nice to have someone to rant to. Who won't bite my head off afterwards. smile.gif


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Museum Girl
post Aug 18 2005, 09:13 PM
Post #13


GLITTER!!!!!
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Lonely crazy depressed person: If you live in England and you're over 16 social services can set you up in a flat and help you get started with a bank account if you explain the way your mum treats you. Other countries probably have a similar arrangement.
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Astarael
post Aug 19 2005, 01:10 AM
Post #14


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I'm so sorry, GothicAngel *hugs*. My parents tend to be great, just a bit overprotective. I know it's hard for you, but if you stick it out until college you'll be able to get away from her more. Once you're 18 and out of the house, there's nothing she can do to bring you back against your will without getting arrested. Everyone here will listen to you, and we'll try to help you through this. Just a little longer, and then you're free of her sick emotional manipulation. You are worth more than she will ever be, and you seem like a very strong person for putting up with her. Depressed lonely crazy person, I say the same for you. Loads of people in these forums are here for both of you.


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Jonman
post Aug 19 2005, 09:24 AM
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That does sound sucktastic.

I'm going with everyone else on this one. Sounds like your mother is being completely irrational. Hanging on until you're 18/at uni sounds like the plan, like everyone else says.

In the meantime, why not try and spend a little less time at home? I don't mean wander the streets, but hang out at friends houses, or take up some organised evening activity (whether it's just going swimming, or an art class, or a hang-gliding club, or just going for a run/cycle). Sleep over at a friend's house 1 weekend in 2 or 3.


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Feyliya
post Aug 19 2005, 03:57 PM
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I remember when I was waiting to leave because of my grandparents. It's tough, but when you think you just can't do it you come back here and gripe and whine. Everyone here is great at listening to these sorts of things.

It might be a good idea to start saving up a nest egg for the time when you leave. Trust me, once you're out you won't want to go back. You don't really need much when you're staying at college, but having something there really is necissary. You'd be surprised how many nasty things happen that cost too much money when you're out on your own.

Also, I'd start learning how to meditate. It's so relaxing and when you do it you can start to address all the nasty emotional stuff that's going to be left for years to come. It helped me cope with a lot.

If you ever want to talk you can PM me, or give me a message on Yahoo. I've been there before, and I've been told that I make a good listener.

Above all, try to remember that it's not your fault. I know it's hard, but just keep that at the back of your mind at all times.


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{Gothic Angel}
post Aug 19 2005, 07:02 PM
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QUOTE (Feyliya @ Aug 19 2005, 03:57 PM)

It might be a good idea to start saving up a nest egg for the time when you leave.  Trust me, once you're out you won't want to go back.  You don't really need much when you're staying at college, but having something there really is necissary.  You'd be surprised how many nasty things happen that cost too much money when you're out on your own.


Check. Been saving half my wages every months since I started work.

QUOTE (Feyliya @ Aug 19 2005, 03:57 PM)

Also, I'd start learning how to meditate.  It's so relaxing and when you do it you can start to address all the nasty emotional stuff that's going to be left for years to come.  It helped me cope with a lot.


Thats why I refuse to ever give up music. Fortunately, my piano actually is *mine* and it's in my room.

QUOTE (Feyliya @ Aug 19 2005, 03:57 PM)

If you ever want to talk you can PM me, or give me a message on Yahoo.  I've been there before, and I've been told that I make a good listener.

Above all, try to remember that it's not your fault.  I know it's hard, but just keep that at the back of your mind at all times.

*


I know. And the support is appreciated smile.gif It's just nice to have someone back you up once in a while.


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spuglet
post Aug 19 2005, 09:19 PM
Post #18


I don't need no stinkin' title
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From: midlands, england
Member No.: 38



There's not a lot I can say that hasn't already been said, but I can say I've also experienced the insane mother and waiting to leave syndrome.

Waiting for university is a good option, it is only another year now, and despite what your mother says, from your results it is clear you are very intelligent and could get into any university you want.
On moving in with your Dad, talk to him about it, and I'm sure he will make it clear you won't be in the way, and you do seriously need to think about moving in, because although you like your life outside of home now, you will be leaving all your friends in a year anyway.


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