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mc joe
post Sep 9 2005, 05:14 PM
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tell me the best jokes EVER i always forget them when its comes to telling my mates so give me one i wont forget!! please
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Mittens322
post Sep 9 2005, 11:55 PM
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For one, I thank you, I was wanting to make a topic like this, but if I made another topic, everybody would get mad at me (everybody hates the kitten.)
OK, here's a good one: A priest, a teacher and an army guy were on a plane. The pilot said that if we didn't get rid of three things, we would crash and die. The priest threw out a bible, the teacher threw an apple, and the army guy threw a gernade. Some dude was walking along on the ground and saw a kid crying. "What's wrong, kid?" "A bible just hit me in the head!" He walked further and saw a guy holding his belly. "Belly ache?" "No, an apple just flew down and hit me in the gut." He walked further and saw a guy who was dying of laughter. "What's up?" "I farted and the house behind me blew up."


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FF doesn't mean Final Fantasy.
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Quoth(The Raven)
post Sep 10 2005, 08:49 AM
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An airplane was struggling over a mountain range. Finally, a man came back, and identified himself as the steward.

"We're going down!" he cried out, "Unless we can lose the equivalent of three people, we're going to crash! Really bad news? we've jettisoned everything we can, and there are no parachutes! Three of us must make the ultimate sacrifice, so everyone else may live! Tell my wife I love her!"

with that, he jumped to his death. The plane rose a bit.

A nun stood up. "All for you, Jesus!", she cried, then jumped.

The plane rose some more.

several minutes passed, with no one else volunteering. Finally, a man who'd earlier identified himself as a Texan, stood up. "Remember the Alamo!" he cried.

and threw out a mexican...


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Arthur, Gwen, and Quoth...Onwards to 4000 posts!Quoth is Cath's noob - what was she thinking?:)Duckflaps!Watch out for low flying kittens!'Dance, Monkey, Dance!' Well, this monkey don't dance no more!Never say 'die'... except as a command! I adopted Insaneperc!What kind of fool do you take me for? I don't know. How many kinds are there?
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Daria
post Sep 10 2005, 04:23 PM
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A penguin is driving about on a nice sunny day in his car, when all of a sudden it starts making some funny noises. So he goes to the nearest garage, and the mechanic says "Alright mate, I'll have is sorted in half an hour".
So the penguin goes off into town for half an hour, and because it is a nice sunny day, he buys himself an ice-cream.
But as penguins don't have thumbs, he found holding the ice-cream a bit difficult and as a result he ended up with his whole face covered in it. He looks at his watch and realises he hasn't got enough time to clean himself up before going back, so he leaves the mess on his face. When he gets back to the garage, the mechanic comes out and says "Well, looks like you've blown a seal"
To which the penguin replies:
"Oh no, I just had an ice-cream"

That joke made me chuckle. Especialy when my 7 year old brother repeated it to my granma... biggrin.gif


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We are unraveling our navels so that we may ingest the sun.

DARIA IZ GOOD ON TOAST

TOAST IZ GOOD ON DARIA
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uninspired pizza...
post Sep 13 2005, 01:34 AM
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A pirate walks into a bar with a steeringwheel sticking out of his pants. The barman, rather shocked, asked the pirate "Why do you have a steeringwheel sticking out of your pants?" To which the pirate replied "Arg, its drivin' me nuts"

Im Known as the clown at work beacause when i started, i told jokes for 4 days strait!


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the noob of noone/e-knighted by jimi/now im typing in orange/
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Quoth(The Raven)
post Sep 13 2005, 06:01 AM
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Meow!
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An English gentleman finds himself in the park, on a bench with a brooklynite.

New yorker: Ah, Just listen to dem boids!

Gentleman: My good man, those are not 'Boids', they are birds!

New Yorker: Well, dey soitenly choips like Boids...


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Arthur, Gwen, and Quoth...Onwards to 4000 posts!Quoth is Cath's noob - what was she thinking?:)Duckflaps!Watch out for low flying kittens!'Dance, Monkey, Dance!' Well, this monkey don't dance no more!Never say 'die'... except as a command! I adopted Insaneperc!What kind of fool do you take me for? I don't know. How many kinds are there?
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Daria
post Sep 13 2005, 07:46 PM
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Wait for the uprising
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QUOTE (uninspired pizza guy @ Sep 13 2005, 02:34 AM)
A pirate walks into a bar with a steeringwheel sticking out of his pants. The barman, rather shocked, asked the pirate "Why do you have a steeringwheel sticking out of your pants?" To which the pirate replied "Arg, its drivin' me nuts"

Im Known as the clown at work beacause when i started, i told jokes for 4 days strait!
*

heheheheheh biggrin.gif

I will have to re-tell that one!


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We are unraveling our navels so that we may ingest the sun.

DARIA IZ GOOD ON TOAST

TOAST IZ GOOD ON DARIA
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symphony
post Sep 13 2005, 07:59 PM
Post #8


Learn Japanese: おまえしね
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QUOTE (Quoth(The Raven) @ Sep 10 2005, 02:49 AM)
An airplane was struggling over a mountain range.  Finally, a man came back, and identified himself as the steward.

"We're going down!" he cried out, "Unless we can lose the equivalent of three people, we're going to crash!  Really bad news? we've jettisoned everything we can, and there are no parachutes!  Three of us must make the ultimate sacrifice, so everyone else may live!  Tell my wife I love her!"

with that, he jumped to his death.  The plane rose a bit.

A nun stood up.  "All for you, Jesus!", she cried, then jumped.

The plane rose some more.

several minutes passed, with no one else volunteering.  Finally, a man who'd earlier identified himself as a Texan, stood up.  "Remember the Alamo!" he cried.

and threw out a mexican...
*


That is so funny! I read that during class and I almost laughed aloud in class! O_o I kinda feel bad for the mexican tho...V_V;


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bryden42
post Sep 13 2005, 08:03 PM
Post #9


Flash Gordon Wannabe
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In thoroughly non pc mode!

an Englishman, an Irishman and an American are standing on top of a cliff, The American turns to the other 2 and says
"I bet i can walk off the edge of this cliff, walk 20 feet out, pirhouette, and walk back"

The Irishman, taking the bait, says
"I'll take that bet, 20 says you can't"

the American walks to the edge, walks 20 feet out, does a pirouhette and walks back to the safety of the cliff.

the Irishman, in amazement hands over the tweny and asks
"how in the name of god did you manage that?"

The American replies
"It's a magic cliff, anyone can do it"

"really?"
replies the Irishman and runs for the edge leaping off and plumetting to his death.

The Englishman turns to the American and says
"You can be a right b*****d sometimes, Superman"


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S P A N G L E D by Faerieryn

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Daria
post Sep 13 2005, 08:09 PM
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Wait for the uprising
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Ahhh.. The superman jokes... I will have to dig out my book of E-Tales to find the rest biggrin.gif


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We are unraveling our navels so that we may ingest the sun.

DARIA IZ GOOD ON TOAST

TOAST IZ GOOD ON DARIA
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little_bear
post Sep 13 2005, 08:47 PM
Post #11


I could have written a short novel by this point
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QUOTE (Mittens322 @ Sep 10 2005, 12:55 AM)
For one, I thank you, I was wanting to make a topic like this, but if I made another topic, everybody would get mad at me (everybody hates the kitten.)
  OK, here's a good one: A priest, a teacher and an army guy were on a plane. The pilot said that if we didn't get rid of three things, we would crash and die. The priest threw out a bible, the teacher threw an apple, and the army guy threw a gernade. Some dude was walking along on the ground and saw a kid crying. "What's wrong, kid?" "A bible just hit me in the head!" He walked further and saw a guy holding his belly. "Belly ache?" "No, an apple just flew down and hit me in the gut." He walked further and saw a guy who was dying of laughter. "What's up?" "I farted and the house behind me blew up."
*

I think part of me just died.


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People should not be afraid of their governments, governments should be afraid of their people.
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Mittens322
post Sep 14 2005, 01:56 AM
Post #12


Hoo-ha!
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I have had three girlfriends so far.
The first one died of mushroom poisoning.
The second one also died of mushroom poisoning.
The third died of a broken neck.
Why?
She wouldn't eat her friggin' mushrooms.


--------------------
Been to the funny farm lately? I have!
FF doesn't mean Final Fantasy.
!SLIPKNOT RULES! KoRn, too.
Go to hell.
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Mata
post Sep 14 2005, 02:35 AM
Post #13


'Trouble Down Pit' now online!
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Here's an obscure one for you:

A homeopathist forgot to take his medicine. He died of an overdose.


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Trouble Down Pit: Still updated every Monday and Friday
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The Matazone Corset Shop: Snobz corsets at 10% off their recommended price!
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uninspired pizza...
post Sep 14 2005, 06:38 AM
Post #14


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Thats quite strange indeed.

What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the elephants.

What did Tarzan say when he say the elephants coming over the hill with sunglasses on?
Nothing, he didn't recognise them

What did Jane say when he say the elephants coming over the hill?
Here come the grapes. (she was colour blind)

Ill save the rest of my elephant jokes for another post.


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the noob of noone/e-knighted by jimi/now im typing in orange/
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Greeneyes
post Sep 14 2005, 09:29 PM
Post #15


The Key of Joy is disobedience.
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A pig walked into a bar, and a woman said to the barman, "I don't like pigs very much".

...so I have an odd sense of humour. Also:

A woman walked into a bar and asked for a double entendre, so the barman gave her one.

<3 DI.


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Waiting for a superhero intervention
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uninspired pizza...
post Sep 15 2005, 02:22 AM
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Three men walk into a bar. You'd think one of them would have seen it.

What do you get if you cross a kangaroo with an elephant?
Great big holes around Australia.

Whats the difference between a bad shooter and a constipated owl?
One shoots but cant hit...

Why did freddy fall off his bike?
Beacause freddy was a fish.


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the noob of noone/e-knighted by jimi/now im typing in orange/
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Moosh
post Sep 18 2005, 04:39 PM
Post #17


I plug directly into my computer
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IRC guy #1: Man, I love making fun of the Amish online.
IRC guy #2: Why?
IRC guy #1: Becuse they'll never find out.


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QUOTE (Peter Griffin)
Math, my dear boy, is nothing more than the lesbian sister of biology.
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uninspired pizza...
post Sep 20 2005, 03:03 AM
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Scenario after a mans son took the family car out for a drive.

Son: Hey dad, theres water in the carburettor.
Father: OK, ill go and have a look at it. Where is the car now?
Son: In the lake.

Well i thought it was funny


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the noob of noone/e-knighted by jimi/now im typing in orange/
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oscarhilton
post Sep 20 2005, 03:05 PM
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Don't do that.
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A really really really bad joke:

why does dracula take when he's ill? coffin drops

i know i know. Its really bad.


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Oscar.

who was e-kighted by Jimijimi, Sir Oscar. ...

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uninspired pizza...
post Sep 21 2005, 04:07 AM
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Oh really?
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Im so tempted to put down my super lame jokes now but i wont.

A woman has gone into the dentist for the first time and she's very nervous. The doctor can see this so he tries to make her laugh. 'Do you know how these rubber gloves are made?' he says to the woman. She replies 'no' so he says 'Well over in asia they have a big factory full of rubber, then all the little workers there put there hands in the rubber, let it dry and they peel it off to make a glove.' The woman obviously didnt find this amusing. So the dentist began to prep when she suddenly burst out in fits if laughter so the dentist asks 'whats so funny?' To which the woman replied "I just thought of how they made condoms!"


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the noob of noone/e-knighted by jimi/now im typing in orange/
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symphony
post Sep 21 2005, 03:43 PM
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Learn Japanese: おまえしね
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A woman arrives at the Pearly Gates and finds St. Peter is not there, but a computer terminal is sitting next to the arch.
She walks up to it and sees, "Welcome to www.Heaven.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue."

She doesn't have either, but underneath the fields is a small line reading:

"Forgot your ID or Password? Click Here." So she does.

Up pops a screen that reads, "Please enter at least two of the following, and your pasword and ID will be e-mailed to you." The fields included "Name," "Date of birth," "Date of death," and "Favorite Food."

The woman enters her name and date of birth, and clicks "Submit."

Up pops another screen that reads, "We are sorry, we did not find a match in our database. Would you like to register?" So the woman clicks the button marked "Yes."

A long and detailed form appears on the screen, and the woman spends some time filling it out. Then she clicks the "Submit" button.

Now she is faced with a screen reading, "We are sorry, this service is temporarily unavailable. Please try again later."

There is a button marked "Back." She clicks it.

A new page appears.

It reads, "Welcome to www.Purgatory.com. Please enter your User ID and Password to continue..."



I found this on http://jokes.comedycentral.com/ . Well...I thought it was amusing. rolleyes.gif


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Faerieryn
post Sep 21 2005, 08:28 PM
Post #22


Faeries don't bite we just nibble a bit!
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I know plenty of jokes but most of them are about dead babies and can be quite disgusting. I will post one. If it offends people I'm sorry and I will never post another one. If people wish to hear more I will post them.

How do you make a dead baby float?

One scoop of ice cream, one scoop of dead baby


See I told you they were sick


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If life hands you a lemon make lemonade, lace it with cyanide and then pass it around. What can I say I'm a revenge type of gal!!! Ryn
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uninspired pizza...
post Sep 23 2005, 04:14 AM
Post #23


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Ha, havn't heard that one, but i also know a few baby ones.

yo mamma's so fat, she uses two geryhound coaches for rollerblades.

yo mamma's so fat, she has to take poster-polariods.

yo mamma's so fat, her crabs drive dune buggies'

That last one i got from the end of a CD.


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the noob of noone/e-knighted by jimi/now im typing in orange/
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{Gothic Angel}
post Sep 23 2005, 03:34 PM
Post #24


My direction
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Define perfect pitch.
The angle required to get the viola player into the skip without touching the sides.

Why is a bassoon better than an oboe?
The bassoon burns longer.

What is a burning oboe good for?
Setting a bassoon on fire.

How many bass players does it take to change a light bulb?
1...5...1... (1...4...5...5...1)

</music geekness>

*Loves random/obscure jokes but can never remember them* I also have far too many math and science jokes, but band geeks are more acceptable than science geeks tongue.gif Also I can't make the fricken' superscript work >.<


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Once opened consume within three days. Above post is not suitable for home freezing. Store in a cool, dry area.
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JimiJimi
post Sep 23 2005, 05:38 PM
Post #25


I'm afraid I'm back.
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How do you get a drummer off your doorstep?
Pay for the pizza.


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