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> Stories, Here are a few I'm working on
Star_of_Lei
post Oct 22 2005, 05:05 PM
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I write, that's my hobby and my passion. So as a past time I create stories. Here are a few beginings of the three that I really work on. Please read them and tell me what you think honsetly, all critisim is constructive.

The Sirens

Miracles?


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Sonny-Lei

but you may call me.......................

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Astarael
post Oct 24 2005, 09:32 PM
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I've read some of both of them. You have some good ideas in there.
However, the idea of elemental powers, while interesting, has been very overdone in a number of different forms by far too many writers. The whole "destiny of the elements" thing is old hat, so think of some unique applications and backgrounds for the powers. Be careful or you'll veer into a rip-off of a different book. I also think that you revealed the villain too quickly in "Miracles?". The suspense of trying to guess who it is can focus your reader's attention, but knowing who it is can get stale and boring. If you explore Peyton's interactions with him more and see how they get along, it can still be very good.
"The Sirens" has some definite potential, but the princess's death speech is very cliched. I know that you're plumbing for emotional depth, but you're hitting stuff that's been done a lot and it seems somewhat sappy. Try rephrasing some of that or going into more detail in a few places.
You keep veering between normal real-world names and flowery fantasy names in "Miracles?." I can see that the mages are supposed to be distinguished by the fancy names, but giving them real-world names might be more convenient and flow better.
Overall, these have some good foundations, but you need to edit a little. smile.gif


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Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
I am a leaf on the wind. See me soar.
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Star_of_Lei
post Oct 26 2005, 07:41 PM
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Who said he would be the villain? But thanks for the feedback. I know there are some bits that need to be edited I just haven't quite gotten there yet. But thanks for the feed back Astarael


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Sonny-Lei

but you may call me.......................

Dread Pirate Bonney


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Astarael
post Oct 26 2005, 09:53 PM
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Spying and scheming from someone in a story tend to indicate either a random factor who has yet to choose a side or a villain. I believe that he kept going "I'll have you soon," or something to that effect, so I assumed villain. Interesting if he isn't, though.


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Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
I am a leaf on the wind. See me soar.
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