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> A Poem, please critique
crackle
post Nov 7 2005, 06:27 AM
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This is a poem that I wrote to a painting I made, which I would post if my scanner were working. It is basically an artistic and rather red remake of this, the album cover to the Unseen's Lower Class Crucifixion: click me to not be confused!

It's meant to be spoken, but I'm more genuinely worried about whether it's just any good or not. Just imagine it with more verbal inflections, pretty please.

Twenty-two years of hate and rebellion,
Living off of nothing but air and a few bucks,
Living off and on when nothing else is happening.
Spray paint and streetlights and train-wreck
Girls with boys with boys with girls,
With girls with too much attitude,
With not enough guitar lessons.
Living off side streets and water,
All he needs is air to live, and all he needs
Is the upper class, to die.

Ink hurts worse than nails.
But in this paradoxed reality,
Ink hurting is for pussies.

Poppies are to opium what hairspray is to hair,
Intoxicating, overpowering, hallucinogen,
A reflection of red sky in what everybody wants,
A way out, a screaming right to being cool;
If he liked that much red he wouldn't wear black.
Music is the only industry where money
Shouldn't matter, couldn't matter, only
It rules their every movement.
And the smoke is suffocating.
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Dige
post Nov 11 2005, 12:40 AM
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Umm, I tried, and I don't think I'm putting the inflections in right. It just does didn't flow when I attempted to read it for myself.


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Astarael
post Nov 14 2005, 10:27 PM
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Interesting content. I'm not sure if you meant it to have much of a rhythm. It reads like free verse (no rhyme scheme, irregular scansion.) The emotion is good, but it wouldn't work as, say, a song or rhythmic poem. Might be fun if you made the middle stanza a haiku, but that's up to you. *shrugs*


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Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
I am a leaf on the wind. See me soar.
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