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> Not in existance., Words that come from the heart.
snow white
post Nov 21 2005, 12:30 AM
Post #1


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I wish for silence nothing more
Yet I wish for all of the noise in the world
Just any sign of life I can find
Anything.

I look up to find someone standing over me
Who is this I wonder
This figure that seems so distant
I ask for the name of this shadow
The dark shade does not reply.

I try to run towards this ever distant character
But the character refuses to let me come closer
I try once more very slowly to see this characters face
The shadow runs away once more.

I think to myself am I really this alone
Am I this cut off from life that I must run toward everything I see.

I sit back agianst the wall where the shadow found me
Perfectly content with the fact that I atleast know there is some type of life
around me.

I hate this silence I must break it
I scream at the top of my lungs
The shade shows itself and asks me, why are you screaming
It was the greatest and only voice I had heard for a long time
I calm my voice to reply, I am breaking the silence that lurks around me
These words seem to echo through the walls around the shadow and I
The shade replys with a short yet very sweet sentence, it is not silent.

My vision clears and I realize that I am in a crowded room
And everyone is staring blankly at me.


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DEAR READER,

@#*! YOU, YOU @#$) @!$ FOOL. WHY @#*!ING READ THIS %$#@ SIGNATURE? WHAT WILL YOU @#*!ING GAIN FROM READING THIS?

sIgNeD,

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PsychWardMike
post Nov 26 2005, 03:04 AM
Post #2


I'm attracted by the potential for reckless abuse of power.
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You've gotta watch out when writing poetry that deals with a subject so common as a distant character and silence and such things. It's a common subject matter that can often be overused and undercooked. There've been hundreds and hundreds of times by hundreds and hundreds of people to the same effect - often weak or nonexistant.

It's also kind of apparent that you wrote that with the intent to have something of a trick ending; don't do that. If you're writing a poem that happens to be tied together nicely and cleverly with a pun or an unexpected twist, that's great, but when that's your intent, the reader can feel it and the point of the poem is weakened or lost.

Finally, if you're going to take my advice, I'd tell you to try and work on incoporating poetic devices. They really are what makes poetry poetry, and I think you'll agree that your poetry is much stronger with the use of original material rather than what's safe.


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I'm just a Viewtiful Girl living in a Viewtiful World.
Henshin a-go-go, baby.

I swear to God, the above post was not intended to incite flame wars or to offend you.
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Astarael
post Nov 26 2005, 05:54 AM
Post #3


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It does have some potential in the framework. I believe I'll go for different suggestions than Mike, but I do agree with him.
I know that this is free verse because it has no rhythm or rhyme scheme, but you might want to add some more punctuation to give some sense of where to pause in some places.
The fifth stanza is pretty much contradicting everything that goes before and after. The point seems to be that you can't stand being alone in the silence, but in that stanza you're happy with it, which breaks the tension.
A bit of metaphor really wouldn't go amiss if you're trying to distract from the trick ending.
Overall interesting in some ways, but it needs a bit of polishing.


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Sometimes we can choose the path we follow. Sometimes our choices are made for us. And sometimes we have no choice at all. ~Morpheus, King of Dreams
I am a leaf on the wind. See me soar.
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snow white
post Dec 6 2005, 05:58 PM
Post #4


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I did not write this poem at random. I wrote it because I have a great fear
of silence. At one point in my life I was confined to a very silent room for about
two months. During that time I tried everything to break the silence wiether it was
singing, screaming, or reading the bible aloud. I hated it so much. Anyways
all of my poetry and art has atleast something to do with my life.


--------------------
DEAR READER,

@#*! YOU, YOU @#$) @!$ FOOL. WHY @#*!ING READ THIS %$#@ SIGNATURE? WHAT WILL YOU @#*!ING GAIN FROM READING THIS?

sIgNeD,

(place signature here)
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Kitty
post Dec 6 2005, 06:32 PM
Post #5


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Its good that you write poetry, it helps to let things out and feel alright with emotions you have. Its also very nice when your poetry improves, it can help you feel alot better also. So dont take offence to what people say, they're just trying to help.

On another note, I think its probably best if you dont create a new thread for each poem you write. It tends to get tedious to keep track of them (for you and for people that read them) and also takes up space.


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Those who dream by day are cognizant of many things that escape those who dream by night
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Saratina
post Dec 8 2005, 03:44 AM
Post #6


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I really liked the last stanza of this poem; I think the biggest thing you could do for it is to keep the punctuation consistent (it looks a bit odd to end a stanza with a period when you haven't used any punctuation in the rest of it). Also, as mentioned above, poetic devices can really enrich a poem. I think this one could be really good...I too have a fear of silence :/ unfun. Take care of yourself, okay?


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I do it Girl, Interrupted style.
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