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> Apprentice - a poem, criticism appreciated
ladysan
post Jan 26 2006, 12:24 AM
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This is one of my newer poems- I like it more than most of mine, and decided to post it here to get critiques.
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The wind blew cold,
and I tried to comfort your shadow.
Not realizing that everyone else
had long-since fled.

Never fear, young apprentice.
we will capture the stars
and set them shining brightly in the streets,
a celestial bath of sparkles painted overhead
as we run, laughing, through them.

Never cry, my sweet young child.
you have captured my heart,
and I will set it
forever-spinning
on a golden-linked chain to see you smile.

The air was silent,
waiting with baited breath.
The cold bit home
and the shadows grew long,

and for you, all the night I waited.

Knowing you could never come home.
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elphaba2
post Jan 26 2006, 02:38 AM
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I like this! It's simple and pure and manages to avoid all of the things that bother me about poems--forced rhymes or overdramatic nonsense.

Critique-wise, I'd be careful about using "Never fear"--it sounds a bit silly and detracts from the great feel the rest of the poem gives, though I applaud your restraint in using "thee". Maybe rephrase that?


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Jatopian
post Jan 28 2006, 01:37 AM
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Personally, I do not see how this could be considered a poem; it has neither rhyme nor meter, and very little literary device. It is rather pretty, but I could create something similar rather easily and would still feel I had wasted the time.
You may or may not be wise to discount my opinion. I am known among my friends for holding everyone to standards, but also for being candidly insightful.


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{Gothic Angel}
post Jan 28 2006, 08:33 AM
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...Well over half of the "meaningful, insightful, great literary poetry" I studied at GCSE had neither rhyme nor meter, and a fair few of them had no literary device. I wasn't aware that was the point of poetry.

Not that I'm claiming to be the greatest literary critic in the world or anything - you're talking to a science geek here rolleyes.gif - I just happen to like it.


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Astarael
post Jan 28 2006, 11:59 PM
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I know I've told you already, but I like this one a lot. Elphaba2 has a point about "never fear," though.
(I believe it's free verse, Jatopian, so rhyme and meter aren't necessary.)
*nitpicks* It's "bated" breath.


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elphaba2
post Jan 29 2006, 01:21 AM
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Not to put words in her mouth, but maybe the misspelling was intentional? That's how I interpreted it, anyway. Like laying a trap for the person who left, sort of, though it's an easy possibility that I'm reading too much into it.


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