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> Small Piece of a Story
elphaba2
post Jun 12 2006, 04:02 PM
Post #1


Lord of the Keys
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Hello everyone. I have no plans to make this a habit, but I've written this fragment of something and am curious to see what you folks might think. It's short, I swear!

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If you walk in my school before the bell rings all the cripples come out. There's the boy with the neck-brace neck, the crutched ones limping towards more extreme field hockey careers, the cerebral palsy twins. They flood the hallways and search each other's faces. Behind them creep backpack kids, loaded with too much stuff already, embarrassed with their inappropriately functional legs.

Briefly, they're all you can see. Row after row of weak-kneed kids with the walkers, whitefaced kids with the pain of broken legs etched below the skin still. If you were walking in my school before the bell, you'd call CPS.
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Thoughts?


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can I kiss your dopamine?
In a way I wonder if she's living in a magazine
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I_am_the_best
post Jun 12 2006, 08:32 PM
Post #2


Dirty Laundry
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More story please!

This is great.


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Emma <3 James <3
"Music is a moral law. It gives a soul to the universe, wings to the mind, flight to the imagination, a charm to sadness, gaiety and life to everything. It is the essence of order, and leads to all that is good, just and beautiful, of which it is the invisible, but nevertheless dazzling, passionate, and eternal form." - Plato
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Cookieflair
post Jun 12 2006, 08:42 PM
Post #3


Oxymoronic Tonic
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OoOoOh this is good!
Now I want MORE MORE MOOORRREE *cough* Ok i am calm now
But seriously it is good.


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oscarhilton
post Jun 13 2006, 04:23 PM
Post #4


Don't do that.
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Thats some strong work you've got there. Keep it up biggrin.gif


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Oscar.

who was e-kighted by Jimijimi, Sir Oscar. ...

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elphaba2
post Jun 16 2006, 11:18 PM
Post #5


Lord of the Keys
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*blushes, pulls woolen cap over eyes*

Thankee. I have some more of it, but don't have it on hand to post right now. I like all of your compliments a lot, too, but what should I fix?


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can I kiss your dopamine?
In a way I wonder if she's living in a magazine
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Greeneyes
post Jun 17 2006, 01:00 PM
Post #6


The Key of Joy is disobedience.
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It's interesting. Just one possible suggestion: is the first sentence implying that one is entering the school slightly before school begins, or something else. It just seemed a little on the ambiguous side to me. Also one day I shall finish reading your nanowrimo story.


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Saratina
post Jun 20 2006, 12:57 AM
Post #7


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f you walk in my school before the bell rings all the cripples come out.

"You" tends to weaken a piece. If it's at all possible to avoid it, you should try it.
example:

- You never know what might happen - becomes - It's unpredictable.
- No one could resist that. - becomes - It's irresistable.

et cetera.

That's really the only thing that caught my eye. You have a strong writing voice and I wouldn't mind reading more of this, if you have it.


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I do it Girl, Interrupted style.
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