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> Nail, Attempt at a poem.
Usurper MrTeapot
post Nov 4 2006, 05:08 PM
Post #1


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I walked by a plank in the play park
Grime and dust, dirt and rust
Three inches of pointy pain
I passed by again and again
Many manic kids, up on the grass
Hundreds of people, all walking past
They always kept walking, never slowing pace
Tomorrow, the plank, is in the same place
And the little bright boy, who at life, has failed
He tripped and slipped, and has been been impaled
The planks still there, it's not been moved
Except now, its flipped over.

--

What do you guys think? I'm not too hot with poetry, and whatever I do always sounds pretencious. If it is any good I'll put it into my uni portfolio.


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Witless
post Nov 9 2006, 06:14 PM
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Heh, gritty stuff. I'm not the best person to ask about sentence structure of poetry. But I certainly get pretty vivid images of the subject of the story. I found the ending very blunt and cut short. Was that intentional or not.

PS.. what course is it you're doing again?


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Usurper MrTeapot
post Nov 9 2006, 06:25 PM
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Samauri Teapain
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Creative writing and drama.

The ending is intentionally blunt. I hoped people would stumble over the last bit and go "huh, is that all that people did?" Which is the point of the poem that people are generally observant but don't do anything about it.


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@>-'--,--Cath and gothictheysay are my E-Teapotettes.@>-'--,--
Jaq and believe are my adopted Tea Spoons (wherever they are :'( )
"I am just a worthless liar, I am just an imbecile, I will only complicate you, trust in me and fall aswell."
A proud Viking never stops masturbating.
Taking over Matazone Forums since 2011.
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Mata
post Nov 10 2006, 12:10 AM
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'Pointy pain' seems a bit pretensiously plosive, and the rhyme with 'again' is a bit forced. I'm not a great person to speak on this (hell, I rhymed 'room' with 'gloom' twice in my Halloween animation this year) but it's always best to avoid obvious rhymes if possible.

A nice way to break up the rhythm is to have rhymes mid-sentence. I'd also, on a general point, avoid rhymes that involve 'ain'; they always seem to come across as cheap.

It's a good poem, and an excellent choice of topic. It bodes well for the future!


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Usurper MrTeapot
post Nov 10 2006, 03:44 AM
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Cheers Mata. I'll leave this one as it is but I'll keep advice in mind for my next ones.

'Pointy pain' was the phrase that started the entire poem, I pretty much thought about how I could mould the poem around those two words.


--------------------
@>-'--,--Cath and gothictheysay are my E-Teapotettes.@>-'--,--
Jaq and believe are my adopted Tea Spoons (wherever they are :'( )
"I am just a worthless liar, I am just an imbecile, I will only complicate you, trust in me and fall aswell."
A proud Viking never stops masturbating.
Taking over Matazone Forums since 2011.
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Daria
post Nov 12 2006, 09:26 PM
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When I first read this poem, I was reminded of when you originally told me of the plank and your surprise that no one did anything about it- including you. Our discussion of the herd-like qualities of Londoners then ensued.

I like the poem, but am unsure of the line "And the little bright boy, who at life, has failed". I get the feeling the clause is around the wrong words.


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