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Mata
post Jul 14 2010, 12:35 PM
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I told my parents I'm getting a tattoo done a couple of days ago, which actually went surprisingly well. My mother did the expected fussing about how important it is to make sure they're not visible (I politely disagreed on that point, but she's welcome to her opinion). Compared to coming out as being bi I think it was a breeze.

The bi conversation was a lot more touchy:
Mother (in general conversation): "You do like girls, you are normal aren't you?"
Me: "I'm normal, but I'm also bisexual..."
It didn't go much better for a while after that. On the scale of things, getting a tattoo will probably be a lot easier for them to accept than the fact that I rather fancy men sometimes.

So, have you had to break news to people? How did it go?


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gothictheysay
post Jul 14 2010, 06:55 PM
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This might come off as rather emo, and I might make it a topic in personal concerns at some point, but it does fit here so well too! It's also happened super recently. I've been having some relationship issues. Basically, what I'm trying to do is be in a polyamorous relationship, where the person I am dating is also seeing someone else (and of course I am free to see other people either). We agreed to be open, but I wasn't expecting another person so soon... and it's an ex of his. So I've been struggling a bit lately with dealing with that.

A lot of people don't understand the situation, and it's hard to blame them. But my little sister and my father both reacted in a way that was kind of hurtful. They basically both told me that they didn't think I could handle it emotionally and that it wouldn't work out. I told my father I didn't want to talk about it with him because he wouldn't understand, and he said "try me", and then for the next 20 minutes on the phone it was clear he didn't really understand. dry.gif A lot of people don't understand the concept at all and insist I am being used, which isn't true at all.

So yeah, that breaking news to people did not go very well at all tongue.gif However, I have a lot of other people who are supportive of me, even if my family doesn't totally get it. I'm sorry that your mother doesn't understand your sexuality; that must be very difficult to deal with sad.gif I would be rather upset. I'm glad the tattooing thing went over a little better. It was nice that you could politely disagree. I feel like that kind of disagreement can be very difficult with parents, even when you've been living on your own for ages.


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Pikasyuu
post Jul 14 2010, 10:01 PM
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You make an excellent point in here, Sarah. I'm sorry if I responded in a judgmental way (which I can without meaning to..a lot), and after reading what you've written here, I really take it back - it's a good thing for you to try out something that could end up bringing you happiness, and Sarah's happiness is something I'm all for. Love you tons. *hugs*

THAT SAID, I figured out that I was physically attracted to women around the age of thirteen. My family (mother) was very open and accepting of 'alternative lifestyles' - however, when I told her, I was moving a tv into another room and just kind of went, 'Oh, I'm bisexual.' She responded with a simple, 'Okay, dear.' However, it, like many things with my mom, took some convincing. She's naturally skeptical when it comes to me due to a variety of reasons, and over the next few weeks, she would ask me if I had done anything with women etc. until she was satisfied. Having a long distance girlfriend for two years may have convinced her further, but, it isn't a frequently discussed topic anymore.


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gothictheysay
post Jul 14 2010, 10:19 PM
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Katii - I don't think you responded in a judgmental way at all. I love you tons too. *hugs* smile.gif

The comment about your mom is interesting. Not that your mother seems unaccepting, but it reminds me of a couple people I know whose parents are supportive of alternative lifestyles, but when it's their kid doing it, they make become less tolerant. I think that's very interesting psychologically, but that it also must suck for those involved. I suppose it's easier to be accepting of something when you're not directly involved with it. On the other hand, I think being directly involved/knowing someone close who is different is helpful in terms of acceptance. When I was fourteen or fifteen and someone said something offensive about homosexuality (I think maybe they used "gay" in the negative slang term sense) one of my friends said "Hey, don't say that. My aunt is gay and she's awesome." I think that early identification helped her be accepting and not develop prejudices without her even realizing it. In a similar way, I understand a lot of people don't understand my situation because they don't know anybody or anyone who would do that, or, as my father said, "I've never seen it work". Of course, I've seen it work, but my father had a reason to brush that away too. tongue.gif


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michael1384
post Jul 15 2010, 12:06 AM
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Coming out as bi to my mum was awkward. I think she thought it was just a phase. Then she found out other people knew, like my friends. She wasn't too happy about that, I think she wanted me to keep it a secret, kinda like Dexter's urge to kill.


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Yannick
post Jul 15 2010, 02:19 AM
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Hmm. I'm not really the type to tell my family something I know they'd disagree with; I'd rather just get caught. I really can't think of anything I've told someone that I wasn't really comfortable telling them, regardless of the amount of ">_>" faces involved. I have been known to send really stupid e-mails. >_>

The most awkward recent thing was my grandma asking me if I had a girlfriend a couple days ago. I have my aunt and cousin added on Facebook (sexuality and relationship status visible), but we've never like talked about it. It's possible my aunt talked to my grandma? Idk. I just didn't respond. ..Meaning my mom probably knows. She hasn't banned sleepovers yet, so *shrug*

I remember one time during summer camp my friend Drew (we were like 7) told me he loved to watch The Powerpuff Girls. That was his biggest secret. Props to the kid for having the courage to share that.


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Pikasyuu
post Jul 15 2010, 04:21 AM
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QUOTE (michael1384 @ Jul 14 2010, 05:06 PM) *
Coming out as bi to my mum was awkward. I think she thought it was just a phase. Then she found out other people knew, like my friends. She wasn't too happy about that, I think she wanted me to keep it a secret, kinda like Dexter's urge to kill.


I think that was what happened to me as well - not that my mom was unhappy or wanted me to keep it a secret, just that she assumed it was a phase.


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LoLo
post Jul 15 2010, 02:20 PM
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My breaking news is usually odd when it comes to my mom and I usually think about it for a few days and try to figure out the best angle to come at it from. I know anything that involves any sort of little change is going to set her off, so making the blow as small as possible seems best.

My latest is realizing I had made a mistake in my budget and over looked a bill, then spent money and am now going to run out before I get more. The stress came because I knew she was going to lecture me for running out of money having just taken a vacation. In the end I had a point by point explanation of why it happened (not vacation related) and then came up with a solution that made her happy and now everything is going to be fine. If I had just told her I was going to run out of money then I would have gotten a long lecture and would have been reminded how irresponsible I am. laugh.gif

Before that it was breaking it to her that I was going to take a vacation where I would actually be gone. No matter what angle I came at the one from, she wasn't happy. She's a hermit and since I live with her I'm expected to have the same habits. Also I was visiting my brother and he's her favorite, so she was jealous I was getting to see him and she wasn't.

The hardest one to deal with is announcing a relationship. It doesn't matter who it's with my family (especially my mom) are not going to be happy. For this reason I usually keep what little dating I do/have done a secret. Usually I only break it to them if it becomes serious because I don't want to have to deal with the stress that comes from telling them unless I really have feelings for the guy or have to put the guy through the crazy of my family unless he has feelings for me. Yeah gotta see how insane I'm going to be in the future there. tongue.gif

The rest of my family seems to spend more of their time trying to break it to me that I'm gay. They like to think that we're a really open minded family and since everyone except myself and my autistic cousin are involved in committed hetero relationships that must mean that I have to carry the torch to give our family open mindedness cred. That and they figure since I haven't brought a guy home in years that also must mean that I am.


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Cath Sparrow
post Jul 15 2010, 07:46 PM
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I tend to mostly just do something and then let the parents know, but it's more to do with how I tell them. Mum is pretty open minded about stuff a will hear you out, where as Dad can be pretty old fashioned in his attitude to things and is partially deaf (trust me when it comes to my dad this plays a part in the whole senario). So when I need to tell them something I usually go talk it out with mum and let her tell dad. But what tends to happen is mum and me will be chatting about it at a later date and dad'll round and demand to know what were talking about in full detail (except he wont actually listen properly) put his oppinion demanding we listen all the way through (to something which is most offen completely irrelavant or stuff we already talked through) and if we try and interupt to actually turn it into a discussion we'll get shoutted down and made to listen to it all through again untill he feels he's made his point no matter how completely irrelavant it may be. This is actual how alot of conversations go in our house really and also why I tell mum first because it get's very tedious.

Most of my New's breaking these day's in money related, but I know I want to get a tattoo at some point but I wont do it whilst living at home for several reasons. First being, I know my mum doesn't particularly like the idea but generally goes with it's your body and your choice, and second I know dad just plain doesn't want me to, so out of respect for them I wont do it whilst living here. So I'm not to sure if I'd actually bother telling them when I did.


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voices_in_my_hea...
post Jul 16 2010, 05:28 AM
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All news gets passed to my dad through my mom, at her discretion. He doesn't know anything that she doesn't think he needs to know. It's not that I'm not close with my dad (though, honestly, I am much closer with my mom) it's just that I'm never *quite* sure what he'll take the wrong way/ accept. So I leave it to the woman who's been married to him for 21 years.

My parents don't know that I'm bi, and as I'm currently in a long-term Hetro relationship, I see no reason for me to bring it up any time soon. I don't think that either of them would look very kindly upon it, and my mom has expressed before that, in her opinion, you're either gay or straight - she doesn't believe being "bi" is a possibility.

(Side note - why does there seem to be such a concentration of bi people 'round here? Just now noticed that.)

Anyway, the only big thing I've ever had to admit to my parents was that I smoke. Actually, I had to admit that to my friends, too. My dad figured it out before anyone else, strangely enough, and even stranger, decided that he didn't have too big of problem with it. Though he does enjoy giving me the 'danger to your health' rant now and again. But as for my mom and my friends? In all cases I broke it to them rather bluntly. With my mom, I asked if I could join her with her cigarette break, and with both my friends, I simply stood up and began walking out, stating it was time for a smoke break.
Probably not the most delicate way to go about things, but I've never been a fan of sitting down and having long, detailed conversations about my choices.


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LoLo
post Jul 16 2010, 06:08 AM
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QUOTE (voices_in_my_head @ Jul 15 2010, 10:28 PM) *
Anyway, the only big thing I've ever had to admit to my parents was that I smoke. Actually, I had to admit that to my friends, too. My dad figured it out before anyone else, strangely enough, and even stranger, decided that he didn't have too big of problem with it. Though he does enjoy giving me the 'danger to your health' rant now and again. But as for my mom and my friends? In all cases I broke it to them rather bluntly. With my mom, I asked if I could join her with her cigarette break, and with both my friends, I simply stood up and began walking out, stating it was time for a smoke break.
Probably not the most delicate way to go about things, but I've never been a fan of sitting down and having long, detailed conversations about my choices.


I think what I told my mom when she found out went something like, "No it's incense!" laugh.gif


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gothictheysay
post Jul 16 2010, 04:13 PM
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QUOTE
Anyway, the only big thing I've ever had to admit to my parents was that I smoke


In comparison to relationships, my alcohol use and marijuana use was rather easy news to break. Mostly because my dad said something like "I know you tried it" to the marijuana and "So what do you drink at school Sarah, I know you drink." So I just had to agree blink.gif I think now that I am over 18 and off at college and haven't got myself in big trouble yet regarding things like that, he knows that I can make responsible choices. I still got a little bit of lecture on not getting caught and what-not, but he trusts me. With relationships I tend to be very emotionally invested and he wants to protect me so that's a different situation.

That said, if it was something other than those two substances, he'd be kinda pissed. If I admit occasional tobacco use that would probably be fine, as he smokes cigars from time to time. But if I started smoking cigarettes on a regular basis he'd be peeved. I don't plan on doing so anyway, so I think I'm safe there.

edit: oh, and I like to think people around here are more open and recognizing of their sexuality, so they identify as bi more than people elsewhere. I think a lot of people, if not most of people, are bi to *some* extent or another, and people who are really honest with themselves tend to acknowledge their sexuality more easily. smile.gif


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Yannick
post Jul 16 2010, 04:30 PM
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I hate when I'm in a situation when I know my mom knows the truth, is questioning me about it, but I can't bring myself to say it, because instead of just confronting me about it, she'll ask in the form of a question. ..And there's always that little bit of me that hopes she doesn't know what she's asking about. "Do you know why there's so much alcohol missing?" No idea? "Izzy.." Mom, I really don't know. "Look at me, did you have some friends over?" No.. =/ "I know you did." But I didn't! (I'm a terrible liar, I actually suggested a ghost did it once. >_>

The good thing is she'll usually leave it at that and never bring it up again. >_>


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Daria
post Jul 16 2010, 09:57 PM
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I haven't lived at home for the last four years and don't feel the need to update my parents on everything I do. Big news that I broke recently (last year, getting arrest) was done via text that simply read "Arrested!" that I sneakily sent from the police station. Parents have been nothing but supportive (especially my dad, but he's just a bit of a rebel rebel anyway) biggrin.gif


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Pikasyuu
post Jul 16 2010, 11:25 PM
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Oh man, my mom finding out that I smoke..
I started when I was 12/13 and used to sit in the grass after school with my cd player and a cigarette and just think about and enjoy life. I miss doing that a lot, but it no longer holds the same joy. I mainly did it right after I joined the forums and used it as a form of meditation to sort myself out and just really get lost in something - well, anyway, my mom usually got home around 4 during those days, and I was home at about 1, so I was free to do this for a good three hours before putting the ciggies away and spraying myself down. Except one day, where I was completely zoned out to Bigmouth Strikes Again and just so happened to look up and see a shouting mother a few feet away from me. I pulled off my headphones and stuttered through an apology, put it out, and ran inside the house.
Over the next several years I was treated to a great many lectures about how just because she smoked didn't mean I had to, and how bad she felt because it was her fault I did. Naturally that couldn't be further from the truth and I tried to assure her so, but once my mom gets into an idea, she doesn't let go. We smoke together on occasion now. And as for letting your parents know what all you get up to..I'm really, really close with my mom after all the ups and downs we've had over the years and all of the things we've been through together, so it's nice to have her there and have her input on everything. Not for everyone, but, it works for me.


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Yannick
post Jul 17 2010, 02:59 AM
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Oh man. I've smoked cigarettes once in my life (well, twice, but.. the first time didn't really count), and I got caught like three months later because I was an idiot and never threw the box away. The summer after 5th grade, we went to Germany, and they have those street cigarette vendors where you throw in like 2 Euro and click on a button. My mom's best friend is a school teacher, so I went to school with her for a day (the kids were a little older, but no real age difference problems) and made some friends. They smoked, so I decided I wanted to try it, bought a box, and put it in my bag. One afternoon when we were back in the states, I went outside, tried it. The thing broke, meh, but I didn't like it, so I never had a reason to finish the box off. ..So I left it in my back pack until the school year started and my mom's like "What's this?!" My legit excuse: There's only one missing. I clearly don't smoke. (It still had the "Achtung!" thing on front, so she knew I didn't get them here.)

..And then another cig like a year ago with a friend. Not my thing, and never again.


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Every atom in your body came from a star that exploded. And, the atoms in your left hand probably came from a different star than your right hand. It really is the most poetic thing I know about physics: You are all stardust. You couldnít be here if stars hadnít exploded, because the elements - the carbon, nitrogen, oxygen, iron, all the things that matter for evolution and for life - werenít created at the beginning of time. They were created in the nuclear furnaces of stars, and the only way for them to get into your body is if those stars were kind enough to explode. So, forget God. The stars died so that you could be here today. ~Lawrence Krauss
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LoLo
post Jul 17 2010, 04:39 PM
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QUOTE (Yannick @ Jul 16 2010, 07:59 PM) *

..And then another cig like a year ago with a friend. Not my thing, and never again.


That's good, smoking's a nasty habit. That said all this ciggy talk is making me want to smoke. laugh.gif


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michael1384
post Jul 19 2010, 08:40 AM
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^ For gods sake kill it!
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QUOTE (LoLo @ Jul 15 2010, 03:20 PM) *
The hardest one to deal with is announcing a relationship. It doesn't matter who it's with my family (especially my mom) are not going to be happy. For this reason I usually keep what little dating I do/have done a secret. Usually I only break it to them if it becomes serious because I don't want to have to deal with the stress that comes from telling them unless I really have feelings for the guy or have to put the guy through the crazy of my family unless he has feelings for me. Yeah gotta see how insane I'm going to be in the future there. tongue.gif


Oh lord. I don't want to know how my mum will react if I find someone. She's made it quite clear that I'm not allowed to have feelings for people, let alone date them. Doesn't stop me trying though.


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gothictheysay
post Jul 19 2010, 04:47 PM
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QUOTE
She's made it quite clear that I'm not allowed to have feelings for people, let alone date them. Doesn't stop me trying though.


Well that's no fun. :\ My father never made that very clear, but he did jokingly threaten to castrate my first boyfriend if he hurt me. Although I think the joke is a little less funny when you (and by that I mean my boyfriend, he said this directly to him) are standing in front of your girlfriend's father's sword collection at the time...


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post Jul 19 2010, 10:13 PM
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Funniest news I've ever broken was telling my Dad that Matt and I were dating. My Mum knew and I assumed that my Dad did too. It wasn't until Matt and I had been dating for about two months that I finally told my Dad. BTW he isn't as completely blind as you may think- Matt and I were best friends for years so Dad didn't see much of a difference in the amount of time Matt was spending at the house. It was during the run up to my sister's wedding and Dad had given Matt a lift to the train station. He came in and sat down. I said "Dad, just to let you know, Matt and I are seeing each other." He said "I know, you see each other all the time." I tried again." No, SEEING each other. I'm going out with him. He is my boyfriend. "SHIT!" says my Dad. Why is he so upset you may ask? Apparently on the way to the station he had been complaining about how expensive my sister's wedding was and he had told Matt to "live in sin, trust me, it's cheaper!" He still rags me about it today!


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Mata
post Jul 20 2010, 12:17 PM
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biggrin.gif Now that's timing! I guess Matt didn't take the advice smile.gif

It must be strange to be on the receiving end - there are a few people I've known over the years as they've grown up and it's been a little odd when they've started dating. In my head there has sometimes been the words 'but they can't start dating! They're only... Oh... Right...' It must be even stranger if the person is your child.


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Faerieryn
post Jul 20 2010, 07:51 PM
Post #22


Faeries don't bite we just nibble a bit!
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The splutter into his coffee was pure magic!


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Sir Psycho Sexy
post Jul 21 2010, 10:20 AM
Post #23


Technically a giant, intellectual midget.
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QUOTE (gothictheysay @ Jul 14 2010, 07:55 PM) *
polyamorous relationship


Urgh.... dry.gif

They're fine and dandy until someone reads someone else's text messages, lies about it, then wonders why they end up out on their arse and turns all emo. the trust is lost.


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Pikasyuu
post Jul 22 2010, 01:53 PM
Post #24


suggestive cupcake
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You would think it would be easy to maintain a fair amount of honesty in a polyamorous relationship considering that the biggest and most unfortunate lie most couples tell each other is already out there.


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Witless
post Jul 22 2010, 03:55 PM
Post #25


happy.. sad.. happy
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I think polyamorous relationships take a fair period of adjustment to get used to. As Sarah put it last night when I was speaking to her "being wired for monogamy" makes it difficult.

That kind of wiring takes time to de-program, even when you actively want to adjust. But if you can manage it, I imagine (and have seen) people having pretty loving relationships with people while being polyamorous.

Being cheated on (or even imagining it happening) makes people feel betrayed. That's why I think many people struggle to imagine any kind of caring relationship can occur outside of monogamy.


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