Still Amazed, ...never grow up. Options

[Hobbes]

I can claim the benefits of education, partake in my own eagerness to learn independently about 'stuff', and have a seemingly-endless wealth of knowledge at my keyboard-tapping finger-tips...

BUT...

there are still some things that, despite a full (or at least, reasonably substantial) understanding of, continue to amaze me in a rather childish way; almost like I am still assuming magic must be involved as opposed to, say, physics.

For me, these things include:

~ Aeroplanes. Yes yes yes... I know how they manage to lift off into the sky, but when I'm walking along the street and look up to the clouds to see the winged tonnage soaring amongst them, the six-year-old within me expresses his disbelief: "They are HUGE! They don't seem to be flying THAT fast! Surely the only thing keeping it in the sky is sheer willpower?!"

~ Magnets. These things can move. They can MOVE without being actually TOUCHED. If that isn't magic, I don't know what is. And yep, even now, as I quickly approach my 28th ... 27th and 12 months ... next birthday, I can still occasionally be found running a magnet underneath a thin tabletop in order to make its partner appear to move on the surface: As.If.By.Thought.Alone! Or manipulating iron filings! Or seeing how strong a magnet is by creating strings of attracted paper clips to dangle from it. Or running a magnet over a CRT screen to make pretty colours, and then getting in a panic when the effect suddenly seems to have become permanent (and then remember the degauss button to make it all alright again).

~ Bubbles. Blah blah. Surface Tension. Blah blah. Surfactants. Blah blah. Elasticity. Pft, whatever. They are bubbbbbbles!! Having a niece means having an excuse to buy/make mixture and spend a summer's day blowing bubbles, catching them, attaching them to one another, enlarging them, popping them, getting mixture in your eye and blinding yourself briefly. Bubbles are great

So. What do you still marvel at, even though you really should know better?

[Pikasyuu]

love changes shape every second you're on earth.

the way i loved Dayan wasn't necessarily the same way i'd love somebody now, but i would never, ever not call it love, because it certainly was love at the time it existed - and still is now, in a quieter, more lonely way.

there's such a broad scope of emotions with loving someone. i find that it's incredibly rare for me to see someone and truly, really adore them without first thinking of what about them irritates me or why not to be with them, or even why it just wouldn't work. even when that exists, it isn't necessarily enough - there are circumstances, hurdles, the wrong time or place, but..i think even through all that, learning to appreciate and nurture the feeling just because of what it is (and because you never know when it might come along again) is a staple of actually caring about someone through and through. when, even after your own bitterness or pain at whatever might have happened falls away and the warmth itself is still there..i think that's something to hold onto.

the chairman in memoirs of a geisha makes several very good points about how you have to savor life. i get bored easily, so when little miracles come along or i feel something that i thought i was too jaded to feel, those are the times when you have to just stop and breathe in everything around you.

[Hobbes]

love changes shape every second you're on earth.

the way i loved Dayan wasn't necessarily the same way i'd love somebody now, but i would never, ever not call it love, because it certainly was love at the time it existed - and still is now, in a quieter, more lonely way.

there's such a broad scope of emotions with loving someone. i find that it's incredibly rare for me to see someone and truly, really adore them without first thinking of what about them irritates me or why not to be with them, or even why it just wouldn't work. even when that exists, it isn't necessarily enough - there are circumstances, hurdles, the wrong time or place, but..i think even through all that, learning to appreciate and nurture the feeling just because of what it is (and because you never know when it might come along again) is a staple of actually caring about someone through and through. when, even after your own bitterness or pain at whatever might have happened falls away and the warmth itself is still there..i think that's something to hold onto.

This thread has changed into something I could not have preempted. From my thoughts of, "Oooh... bubbles! Oooh... magnets!" to discussions of love. It is good, and I like it

Syuu, much of what you say makes me chuckle a little, simply because I was discussing similar things only last night, and you might as well have been in the room with me, listening, recording everything said and...

...

*looks under cushions and in cupboards*

...

okay, it's just a coincidence

Seriously though. Much of it resonates profoundly. I still am constantly learning what love is, what it means, what effect it has, how to interpret it, and how to deal with it. Feeling 'in love' with somebody has, for me, always meant a risk of unrequited feelings. The assumption has generally been that it is not a mutual adoration and, no matter how much I want to be with someone, or share an aspect of my life with someone, it is not to be. Or the other person might already be in a relationship, or happy as they are, or would not want to be with me, or it just wouldn't work "logistically", or etc. etc. etc.

I have always found "unrequited love" to be difficult, often torturous. I, perhaps foolishly, find myself getting emotionally attached to people rather quickly, so am somewhat prone to developing strong feelings of affection for certain people. Couple this with not wanting to ruin a friendship by declaring an adoration, and you'll generally find that I don't often speak up about such things - holding back those good feelings, for fear or experiencing the bad things.

However, I am finding myself slowly being convinced otherwise by someone far, far wiser than I. And it's refreshing, and exciting, and intriguing.

It should be, and is, wonderful enough to be experiencing those kinds of feelings for someone, and to know that they are a part of my life - that I am lucky enough to have such feelings. It can be awkward to declare that you have a certain type of love for someone, and discover they don't feel the same way, but really that should not take anything away from how you feel.

I fear I am not articulating this well enough. And I certainly feel as though I am missing a crucial point along the way.

That final line of Syuu's paragraph I quoted says much of it, in a far more concise form:

"even after your own bitterness or pain at whatever might have happened falls away and the warmth itself is still there..i think that's something to hold onto."

I am starting to feel like I am being granted permission to love. That it is actually 'okay' to love someone, even if there is little or no chance of it blossoming into whatever romantically idealist fantasy I might be desperately hoping for - whether that is because of their own feelings, the situation, or because it is actually better for me to NOT be in that relationship. But that's fine. It doesn't make the love any less real.

For me, that's new.

I think I'll finish here, and wander off in the distance with an aura about me that says something beautiful... something meaningful... something like: "Hmm... I suck at explaining stuff"