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> Wanna Read An Intro To A Story?, See what you think of it?
My angel is writing a story and he wants some feedback on some of it, Would you guys like to read it and gimme feedback for him?
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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 12:16 AM
Post #1


~才Sanity Impaired since 1986~才
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Common ppl, help my Jonathan out smile.gif


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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 12:28 AM
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I'll post it once i get some responses tongue.gif


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craziness
post May 31 2003, 12:28 AM
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crazi
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sure why not


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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 12:38 AM
Post #4


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thats the spirit!

Anyone else?


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Debaser
post May 31 2003, 12:40 AM
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don't see why not...


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6:30pm
How Much Do You Reckon This Food Processor's Worth? Well? How Much Is It Worth? Come On. For F--k's Sake Just Hazard A Guess You Half-Witted Proletarian S--t - We Haven't Got All F--king Day. This Is A Game Show, Not A F--king Waiting Room. Now Spit Your F--king Answer Out Or I'll Kick You All The Way Back To Whichever P--s-Streaked Council Estate You Crawled From, So You Can Hatch The Rest Of Your Futureless Offspring In Empty-Handed Misery. Now Answer Me, C--T.

Explicitly confrontational version of The Price Is Right.

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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 12:47 AM
Post #6


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Alright, sounds like some ppl are interested, well ill show ya the prologue, if you wanna see more just ask smile.gif

***
Prologue

In the beginning, when the earth was young, A war between heaven and Hell raged. Hells army was led by a great evil force known as the queen of death, A demonic soul unlike anything ever unleashed upon the earth. In the battle the queen of death was struck down by a grand high ark angel, when the battle was won and hells legion resided back into the depths of Hell. A band of ark angels took the body of the queen of death into the heavens and burned her in the flames of the sun, they placed her remains in a giant iron urn and sealed it away deep in the earth placing a spell on it which said that the soul of a righteous virgin would unleash this horror the earth once again. After the great war an angel fell in love with a young mortal woman, she later gave birth to a child. Shortly after a plague struck their village, fearing for the safety of her new born child, knowing that the plague would take his life for sure she traveled to a far away land to a church. She had brought the child there knowing that they would understand. With her last ounce of strength she knocked on the door of the church then collapsed beside the child. A young priest answered the door finding the young baby beside her dead mother. The priest brought the young child in examining it. He had noticed a mark on the childs wrist. Not knowing at this time what it meant he would soon find out this boy was not mortal and the great powers he had been imbued and the great tail that would unfurl.


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gerbilfromhell
post May 31 2003, 01:16 AM
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i dunno how good i am at judging stories, but i thought it was great biggrin.gif (is the boy jesus?)
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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 01:59 AM
Post #8


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No, the boy's name is Halo


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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 02:01 AM
Post #9


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PPL! i need comments, suggestions, feedback, thoughts

Its barron here...


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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 03:34 AM
Post #10


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*sigh*


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elf
post May 31 2003, 03:59 AM
Post #11


disappear with the wandering wind
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HELL YEAH! lol i'd read it but i g2g in 1 min... dry.gif but i've noticed peeps at this forum are creative biggrin.gif


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You were right if you thought I was dead all this time.
BUT NOW I'M ALIIIIIIIIIVE! 8]

user posted image This is Alex my naughty little husband, he likes my oddness. =D

e-daughter=emiliza*e-brother=cheese is funny*e-sister=candice*e-older-sister=lindylouwho[/b*e-sister=[b]happybunny*e-sister=hinsley*e-cousin=craziness
founder of the anti-mtv movement*SNAPELURVE*grand designer of -ISH*super associate 1 of rwl inc.*we love geeks club*e-police*mr.sb death cult*legion of monkeys that fly sideways*we lurve mata
iway ovelay igpay atinlay
forum whore*anime/manga whore*anti-whore whore
noobs=n/a*graduated n00bs=gothic angel, emiliza, chester, angel_death, docbrown1985*step-noob=starfish*graduated n00b of=craziness
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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 04:28 AM
Post #12


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Aw well, too bad. Perhaps read it when u get back smile.gif whatever works. He wanted feedback so im helping him out.

least that poll is going somewhere, but comments are a bust somewhat tongue.gif


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Pikasyuu
post May 31 2003, 05:16 AM
Post #13


suggestive cupcake
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It's a great introduction. Will you be posting the story itself at the forums? You've got me curious. :P


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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 05:19 AM
Post #14


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AHA! I got someone curious wink.gif

Well, if ppl demand to see chapter one i will confer with my angel and i may post it, and if not, well youre gonna have to wait till its on my website all completed.

Ain't my story but helping out.


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Pikasyuu
post May 31 2003, 05:20 AM
Post #15


suggestive cupcake
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QUOTE (TigerLily013 @ May 30 2003, 10:19 PM)
AHA! I got someone curious ;)

Well, if ppl demand to see chapter one i will confer with my angel and i may post it, and if not, well youre gonna have to wait till its on my website all completed.

Ain't my story but helping out.

That's so sweet of you! :P And I like your nickname for him, lol. But please, if nobody demands, I'd like it emailed. If he does get the first few up, PM me for my email address if it's alright with him. Cheers. ^^


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your body is my hobby






the official 'you bitch' count: a whole lot
last updated 11/05
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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 05:25 AM
Post #16


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Alrighty I can do that, I will confer with him still though to see how much he wants to show the eyeing public lol His name is Jon lol I call my angel to prevent any confusion with Jonman tongue.gif my angel is also called that cuz he made a mask for his super character outta duct tape laugh.gif


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Pikasyuu
post May 31 2003, 05:31 AM
Post #17


suggestive cupcake
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Oh, I see. Yeah, lots of people on the forum are named Jon.


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i'm like oh kimosabe,
your body is my hobby






the official 'you bitch' count: a whole lot
last updated 11/05
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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 06:09 AM
Post #18


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He wants to email you chapter one Syuu. I'll give him your email tomorrow when both of us are online.

As for me ill be going to bed too *yawns* night


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Pikasyuu
post May 31 2003, 06:10 AM
Post #19


suggestive cupcake
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Right, thanks. Durn! I was happy others were actually alive on the forums, too. ._.


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i'm like oh kimosabe,
your body is my hobby






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last updated 11/05
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porcelainwarrior
post May 31 2003, 09:13 AM
Post #20


not forgotten
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i just read it, tis very good, ooo and all that jazz

tell him go him go! yay!!

(i get overly excited bout stories and stuff)


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Sun Tsu
post May 31 2003, 11:46 AM
Post #21


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Great dramatic intro! smile.gif
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racingaway13
post May 31 2003, 03:41 PM
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veeeery cool. sounds like a cool premise and it could make for a nice story. i would love to read the whole thing some time... whenever its done.....


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"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind" Gahndi
caffine is truely good for you *starts twitching uncontrollably*
this sig is best viewed using notepad...i do this because no one wants to read my stupid crap

ok so on to the party affiliations....
i now have a noob!!! yay! zoey yay! you came to the forums! hehehe, and im one step up, i already know her! go zoey go! be anti-social in a social setting!i have an e-sister!!! yay!!! go raven!!! i used to be married to ninja kitty but she abandoned me so now my e-wife is kawaii neko who is hot and sexy. rawr
i have no anti noob, PM me for anti adoption possiabilities i have no life, PM me for donations
i do in fact have a vodka imp!! YAY!! shes called yodel and lives in my computer case
i do in fact also have cult of my own, its the -ness cult so join so that we can spite those -ish barbarians
i have a acid bunny that gives me trips and trips to las vegas... his name is Dr Gonzo and i need to rent a convertable...
i am a proud member of the mr SB death cult and i have the smitemaster to prove it
i have seized craziness as a minion, i dont care what she grumbles and such, i seized her and i dont see anything in the geneva convention otherwise
im writing alot now, so be happy you know alot about what great humanitarian efforts i have made in this forum!
also, go to My blog
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elf
post May 31 2003, 06:10 PM
Post #23


disappear with the wandering wind
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*has now read the story*

I like the intro so far! POST MORE! lol... ish interesting...


--------------------

You were right if you thought I was dead all this time.
BUT NOW I'M ALIIIIIIIIIVE! 8]

user posted image This is Alex my naughty little husband, he likes my oddness. =D

e-daughter=emiliza*e-brother=cheese is funny*e-sister=candice*e-older-sister=lindylouwho[/b*e-sister=[b]happybunny*e-sister=hinsley*e-cousin=craziness
founder of the anti-mtv movement*SNAPELURVE*grand designer of -ISH*super associate 1 of rwl inc.*we love geeks club*e-police*mr.sb death cult*legion of monkeys that fly sideways*we lurve mata
iway ovelay igpay atinlay
forum whore*anime/manga whore*anti-whore whore
noobs=n/a*graduated n00bs=gothic angel, emiliza, chester, angel_death, docbrown1985*step-noob=starfish*graduated n00b of=craziness
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MAtt
post May 31 2003, 06:16 PM
Post #24


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1. If Queen of Death is gonna reappear you should make her name shorter of give her anm altenate name. He name appeared to frequently.
2. Some grammar/caps mistakes.
3. Like it, definatly want to read more
4. Did you say his name was Halo...I love Halo! OMG HALO HALO HALO (for xbox)


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TigerLily013
post May 31 2003, 10:56 PM
Post #25


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QUOTE (MAtt @ May 31 2003, 02:16 PM)
1. If Queen of Death is gonna reappear you should make her name shorter of give her anm altenate name. He name appeared to frequently.
2. Some grammar/caps mistakes.
3. Like it, definatly want to read more
4. Did you say his name was Halo...I love Halo! OMG HALO HALO HALO (for xbox)

The Queen of death does have a shorter name, but you have to read further into it to see wink.gif

a few grammar/caps mistakes, its all good as long as its readable. I only became the editor a little while ago.

and I will talk to him to posting more in here biggrin.gif


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