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Jaq
post Jul 22 2003, 01:09 AM
Post #26


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (candice @ Jul 21 2003, 06:43 PM)
oooo can i have one too? happy.gif

S: Once upon a time there was this girl named Candice
Candice: Did I know her?
S: NO, but you were just like her and she sucked.
C: Oh.
S:Anyways, she had this annoying habit of living next to screaming neighbours.
C:How is that her fault? Or an annoying habit?
S: Hey, don't be confusing me with your dang logic now
C: Right..
S: Anyways, one day all the screaming banshees and raging divorcees-to-be formed a mob and tarred and feathered her, because they were bitter and full of rage. And the world was neither a better nor worse place because of it. She washed herself off, and just as she was praising her good luck about not dieing in the tar she accidentally fell off a 45 story building. And the world was a better place for it, because the world is determined to prove that fate or luck don't exist.
C: That was weird. You're weird. You smell funny.
S: Yeah. I'll do that.


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Jaq
post Jul 22 2003, 01:24 AM
Post #27


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (sadistickitty @ Jul 21 2003, 06:57 PM)
me me me me me me !!!!!!!! pleeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee
eeeeeeeeeeeease? biggrin.gif

S: Once upon a time there was a person named sadistic kitty
Sadistickitty: really, did I know her?
S: no, but you were just like her and she sucked
K: Oh.
S: Anyways, this person had many many many problems with typing. They were all deeply psychologically and not worth getting into at this time
K: Why?
S: Because this person was just not that interesting. Also, I'm lazy
K: oh.
S: Anywho, these deep and dark psychological problems
K: Wait a sec you didn't say they were dark
S: MEh, it jst sounds better. Go with it.
K: ok
S: these problems caused this person to repeatedly hit the "e" key when typing messages making it annoying to read on all but the latest browsers.
K: Are you trying to hint at something?
S: She was eventually shot in an unrelated political rally by some trigger happy rookie cops in the capital of Cyprus. And the world was a better place for it.


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Jaq
post Jul 22 2003, 01:39 AM
Post #28


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (Debaser @ Jul 21 2003, 06:59 PM)
/me asks reeeeeeeeeeeeally nicely for a story...pleeeeeeeeease?

S: Once upon a ime there was a boy named Debaser
Debaser:REally? Did I know him?
S: No, but you were just like him and he sucked.
D: Oh.
S: Anyways, he had this really annoying habit of wearing robes of cult like bands and dancing gleefully to the music of said bands. It wasn't so much the robes or the music that was annoying but more the glee.
D: You're kind of bitter, arne't you?
S: I'm bitterer than a thousand things that are bitter.
D: Want to talk about it?
S: What? No. Anywho. The world hated cheerful people and so a large volcano suddenly arose from the earth where there had been no volcano before and spewed molten rock onto all the cheerful people which included Debaser in their midst. And the world was a better place for it.
D: How was the world a better place for it?
S: Because I said so.
D: Oh.
S: Also the world had a lovely new patch of ground with no pesky living things on it. The End.


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Debaser
post Jul 22 2003, 01:44 AM
Post #29


Steadily spiralling into the abyss
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LMFAO. that is f--king CLASS, jaq...thanks...


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6:30pm
How Much Do You Reckon This Food Processor's Worth? Well? How Much Is It Worth? Come On. For F--k's Sake Just Hazard A Guess You Half-Witted Proletarian S--t - We Haven't Got All F--king Day. This Is A Game Show, Not A F--king Waiting Room. Now Spit Your F--king Answer Out Or I'll Kick You All The Way Back To Whichever P--s-Streaked Council Estate You Crawled From, So You Can Hatch The Rest Of Your Futureless Offspring In Empty-Handed Misery. Now Answer Me, C--T.

Explicitly confrontational version of The Price Is Right.

Shiny Blog
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Pikasyuu
post Jul 22 2003, 01:50 AM
Post #30


suggestive cupcake
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I'd like one please, auntie Jaq! =)


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i'm like oh kimosabe,
your body is my hobby






the official 'you bitch' count: a whole lot
last updated 11/05
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Industrial Kybos...
post Jul 22 2003, 01:55 AM
Post #31


Light On The Surface
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How did we ever survive here without Jaq's nose for a quality Daft thread?

It's so good to have you back, Jaqster!

/me wipes tears from corners of eyes and giggles...


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the
end
is
nice
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Jaq
post Jul 22 2003, 02:00 AM
Post #32


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (syuu @ Jul 21 2003, 07:50 PM)
I'd like one please, auntie Jaq! =)

Jaq: once upon a time therew as a girl named syuu.
Syuu: Really? Did I know her?
J: No, but you were just like her and she sucked
S: Why?
J: Because I said so.
S: but why?
J: do you want to go back in the "The Box"?
S: I'll be good
J: Anywho. Like I said, she sucked. She had this really annoying habit of asking questions and making people put her in small uncomfortable boxes.
S: Why?
J: Because she had been dropped on the head as a child.
S: Oh.
J: Anyways, after making an especially nice person put her in a box one day, she decided that she didn't want to live in small uncomfortable boxes. Through an elaborate series of manouvers which included shaving her entire head with her incisors which she wrenched out of her mouth, purposely dislocating her shoulder and for some inexplicable reason eating dozens of voles that innocently came upon her.
S: Why did she eat the voles?
J: Do you know what inexplicable means?
S: No
J: I'd tell you but I'm lazy and this post is already too long so just be quiet. Anyways, after these elaborate manouvers she managed to escape the box only to realize at the last second that she was at the bottom of the ocean. She would have died from drowning if the enourmous pressure hadn't collapsed her lungs and sunk her head in. And the world was a better place for it. The End.
S: Why were voles at the bottom of the sea?
J: Because I said so.


--------------------
Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Monkey the Rabid...
post Jul 22 2003, 02:00 AM
Post #33


Pretty pizza boy
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Ooh! Ooh! Can I have a story? I love stories!


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I have a hug toy. He's an attractive techie named Andrew.
Clive Barker rocks!I'll prove it to you! Just don't click if you have a week stomach...
Bess is watching me! Get 'er away! Get 'er away!
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sadistickitty
post Jul 22 2003, 02:02 AM
Post #34


roar
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we're all crazy for loving this but.....COOL!!!!!!


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"people who are painful, you eat."

xanga
poetry

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Jaq
post Jul 22 2003, 02:16 AM
Post #35


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (Monkey the Rabid Red Rabbit @ Jul 21 2003, 08:00 PM)
Ooh! Ooh! Can I have a story? I love stories!

S: ONce upon a time there was a boy with a very long nonsensical name.
Monkey: Really? Did I know him?
S:, no but you were just like him and he sucked.
M: Oh.
S: Anyways, one day this person decided to do something supremely stupid.
M: What was it?
S: If I tell you it'll lower your IQ and trust me you need all the brain cells you've got.
M: What are you trying to say?
S: I'm too lazy to go into what exactly he did that was so stupid.
M: Oh.
S: So after..or rather during this stupid, dangerous and actually somewhat colourful thing the person with the equally nonsensical name died. The world was not only better for the person's death, a holiday was held in honour of this person's death. Little children carried brightly coloured balloons, parades were held, people got drunk, fires were lit. All to celebrate the leaving of the person who proved to be the most stupid. The End.
M: What are you trying to tell me?
S: Get off my couch. Your minute is up.
M: You have a couch now?


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Monkey the Rabid...
post Jul 22 2003, 02:23 AM
Post #36


Pretty pizza boy
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That reminds me of the stories my sister used to tell.


--------------------
user posted image
I have a hug toy. He's an attractive techie named Andrew.
Clive Barker rocks!I'll prove it to you! Just don't click if you have a week stomach...
Bess is watching me! Get 'er away! Get 'er away!
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frogbutterflyfre...
post Jul 22 2003, 02:38 AM
Post #37


Worrying
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can i have a story? pweeze?


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i'm new, please don't make me into a sandwich

ooh, a rabid gerbil adopted me! i hope his name isn't hugh, or was that a hamster?
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vicrawr
post Jul 22 2003, 03:44 AM
Post #38



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I'd like one as well, if you have the time. They're funny!
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CommieBastard
post Jul 22 2003, 06:59 AM
Post #39


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Story me! Story me!


--------------------
Every sort of expert knowledge and every inquiry, and similarly every action and undertaking, seems to seek some good. Because of that, people are right to affirm that the good is 'that which all things seek'...
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Monkey the Rabid...
post Jul 22 2003, 05:46 PM
Post #40


Pretty pizza boy
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My sister used to make up stories about how streets were named. Jefferson Street involved a woman's son who was disemboweled in Africa.


--------------------
user posted image
I have a hug toy. He's an attractive techie named Andrew.
Clive Barker rocks!I'll prove it to you! Just don't click if you have a week stomach...
Bess is watching me! Get 'er away! Get 'er away!
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Jaq
post Jul 23 2003, 04:12 AM
Post #41


Took this grammar!
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Gender: Female



QUOTE (frogbutterflyfreak @ Jul 21 2003, 08:38 PM)
can i have a story? pweeze?

S:Once upon a time there was a person named frogbutterflyfreak.
Frogbutterflyfreak: Really? Did I know them?
S: No, but you were just like them and they sucked.
F: Oh.
S: One day, while walking home from a friend's house (his only friend) he didn't quite look where he was going and he tripped over a teeny lamp.
F: What? This is a really stupid story.
S: Shut up, I'm going somewhere with it.
F: *sigh*
S:Anyway, he spent days and days rubbing the lamp trying to make a genie come out, so that he could get three wishes. Those wishes being for a peanut, to get more spam and for a new head of hair. He already had a full head of hair, but he was just so impatient he couldn't wait for it to grow on it's own. He was a bit slow.
F: What? I don't like peanuts, I'm allergic to peanuts!
S: (and yet he has no other objections to the other wishes)
F:What was that you just wrote in parantheses?
S: Who gave you permission to read what I write in my parentheses?
F: Sorry...
S: A genie never came out of the lamp 1) because it was a reading lamp. 2) because genies don't exist. The moral? Lamps cuase blisters on stupid people's hands.
F: Hey, isn't this person supposed to die a horrible death?
S: Oh right. Um...the blisters became infected and he languished in hospital for many days with gangrene before getting all his limbs amputated and then dieing. They called him torso boy. And then they put it on his tombstone. And the world was a better place for it. the End.
F: What? You make no sense, the world was a better place for him being named torso boy?
S: Shut up.


--------------------
Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Jaq
post Jul 23 2003, 04:20 AM
Post #42


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (IrishGuy @ Jul 21 2003, 09:44 PM)
I'd like one as well, if you have the time. They're funny!

S: once upon a time there was a boy named IrishGuy
IrishGuy: Really? Did I know him?
S: Yes. Actually you knew him quite well. You were him. And you sucked.
I: Oh. Hey! You don't even know me!
S: I'm psychic.
I: You mean psycho?
S: You want your story or not?
I: Fine..
S: Anyways, he had this annoying habit of constantly defining himself through his gender and nationality.
I: How is that annoying?
S: Because it is. I'm annoyed by it so everyone is.
I: Oh. Wait, you're annoyed by everything.
S: Observant little bugger, aint you? Anyways, this person had no actual defining characteristics, so he decided to shove jellybeans up his nose.
I: Hey! That does sound like me!
S: Anyway, they got stuck, his nose swelled up to massive proportions and his brain was squished because the jellybeans sprouted into a jellybean tree in his head and took up root in his skull. Because as everyone knows jellybeans are seeds of jellybean trees.
I: I didn't know that.
S: you do now. Anywho the tree eventually grew out of his head which was quite pretty until it finally it exceeded the capacity of his skull.
I: What's that mean?
S: His head exploded. Brains everywhere. Also a rare jellybean tree was lost. The world was a better place for it. The End.
I: I have a headache. Stupid jellybeans.


--------------------
Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Jaq
post Jul 23 2003, 04:25 AM
Post #43


Took this grammar!
************

Group: Established Members
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From: Saskatoon
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QUOTE (CommieBastard @ Jul 22 2003, 12:59 AM)
Story me! Story me!

S: Once upon a time there was a commie bastard.
Commie bastard: Don't you mean his *name* was commie bastard?
S: You heard me.
C: Oh. Did I know him?
S: No, but you were just like him and he sucked.
C: Oh. Despite being a commie bastard?
S: Yeah, I know it's difficult, but somehow he managed.
C: You're kind of insulting. I don't think I like where this story is going.
S: You have read the other stories haven't you?
C: No, I just read half the first post and asked you to give me a story. I thought I would get pulitzer prize winning material.
S: Wow. This is just too easy. *shoots commiebastard*
C: It's just a flesh wound! *is wounded*
S: Damn. I better take better aim next time. *takes better aim* *shoots commiebastard*
C: *Is dead.*
S: And the world is a better place for it.
Rest of the Forum: You didn't tell a story! What a gyp!
S: *cocks revolver* I'm sorry, what was that?
RoF: Nothing....


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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CrissiLove
post Jul 23 2003, 04:38 AM
Post #44


I plug directly into my computer
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ROFL... Jaq, you are hilarious!! smile.gif
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Feyliya
post Jul 23 2003, 04:44 AM
Post #45


It's not junk in the trunk, it's precious cargo.
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Give me a story!!! I already know I suck, I just want to see how you say it!


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Irish is my special e-stalker. I leave the blinds open for him. :P // I'm the designated keeper of sobreity. Jell-o Shooters anyone? // I will always have fond memories of Leo's big banana and Cheese's sexy penguin. // I am the all powerful Ish Witch! ::insert evil cackle here:: // ALL HAIL PURSTHULHU!
@_@ You will not write secret messages. You will not write secret messages... @_@
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frogbutterflyfre...
post Jul 23 2003, 05:24 AM
Post #46


Worrying
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i'm a girl... and i do have a full head of hair but want more!!!


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i'm new, please don't make me into a sandwich

ooh, a rabid gerbil adopted me! i hope his name isn't hugh, or was that a hamster?
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CommieBastard
post Jul 23 2003, 07:28 AM
Post #47


Remorseless posting machine
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Jaq, I <3 you. That ruled.


--------------------
Every sort of expert knowledge and every inquiry, and similarly every action and undertaking, seems to seek some good. Because of that, people are right to affirm that the good is 'that which all things seek'...
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kidvicious2punk
post Jul 23 2003, 01:42 PM
Post #48


word
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wow...good show jaq...i wanna nother story...after the other pplz get thiers biggrin.gif


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salviadivinorum.
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NummyNums
post Jul 23 2003, 01:52 PM
Post #49


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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ooo i havent had a story yet.. can i have a story?


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Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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Monkey the Rabid...
post Jul 23 2003, 02:04 PM
Post #50


Pretty pizza boy
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I liked my story. Jaq, you're my friend. And you tell good stories.


--------------------
user posted image
I have a hug toy. He's an attractive techie named Andrew.
Clive Barker rocks!I'll prove it to you! Just don't click if you have a week stomach...
Bess is watching me! Get 'er away! Get 'er away!
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