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> My Poems, they suck..
NummyNums
post Aug 10 2003, 10:10 PM
Post #1


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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read them and give me feedback on what you like what you didnt like blah blha blah.. dont just so those are great nummy.. give me REAL criticism please... or tell me how they make you feel or what they make you think about or situations they remind you off..... ok here they go
Lets talk it over a glass of chcolate milk 1/13/2003
Like everything thats not I am
Christ could be born again and no one would see
did I or didnt I wash myself after the deed
Blew bubbles threw a straw into my chocolate milk and made a mess
How can you yell at me when you have no idea where it came from
You cant end and win a game that never even started because I dont have all the peices yet
I bet you five dollers that if i skinned both kness I would cry
but your so bent on winning that you never saw me fall
Like something from a reality show
but the tastefullness of a cartoon
With all the attarctivness of an action flick
Violence alreday included
Some sick reality that i should fall at the smae instance your foot exstends from it happy nest
under the table asyou role the dice one more time
So I fall
but as i go to blame you i realize that shamefully I never even took the time to tie my own shoe
Symbolic really
Tieng my shoes in the pouring rain I realized, that everything I saw
I never saw
I was blowing bubbles into and empty glass
and we were playing a game
and you were winning, and i just need to quite now
some how some way we can talk it over
right?
some how some way you can come and spend the night
we can play like peter pan
pretend that theres something in that glass
I know what we can do today
Il take the five dollers and we will discuss our problems over a glass of chocolate milk
Make sure you bring the bandaids


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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NummyNums
post Aug 10 2003, 10:12 PM
Post #2


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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Hatching a dream 1/16/2003


If I could take what is to be and make it a reality
I would fly
Like footsteps in a jar if i could make it all that far
then i would go there
If i could be alone with some place to call me own
Then pretty lil butterfly
Can i keep you?
I dont want to go away from here
I have found a happy place
Talking for hours over a muffin and some tea
My baker makes me happy
Holding hands we will fly like peterpan
Take our romance to neverland
Somwhere deep off in a lagoon
Maybe my dream will hatch
Hide under the covers all sunday aftrenoon


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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NummyNums
post Aug 10 2003, 10:14 PM
Post #3


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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Like a child

Like something out of a horror flick
theres no place i can go
Bound bye some insolant euphoria
A bitter peice of chocolate you and I are chewing
except you are free to go
Beggers cant be chooser you know
But when I beg by I must use my lips
To course the food or money from there clean hands
How dirty mine are they cannot beg
Some sort of nightmare shall I live
Bound with constant ectasy changing my thoughts
Breath it out, Breath deeper
Deeper than you ever have before into my stench
For I rot away for you
I bleed for you
I died for you and now because of it I am trapped
I am trapped with flowers that insult me
and tea partys that only crazyness of my desighn can hold
I am the blond screaming on cue
You are my infamouse killer, chasing me around
Like alice and the white rabbit in wonderland im found?
but who, tell me who chases a rabbit in the first place?
Silly ol' bear dont you know im juts a child?

Cheshire Cat: Can you stand on your head?

Alice: Oh!

Cheshire Cat: However, if I were looking for a white rabbit, Iíd ask the Mad Hatter.

Alice: The Mad Hatter? Uh... no, no, I do- I do...

Cheshire Cat: Or, thereís the March Hare. In that direction.

Alice: Oh, thank you. I- I think I shall visit him.

Cheshire Cat: Of course, heís mad too.

Alice: But I donít want to go among mad people!

Cheshire Cat: Oh, you canít help that. Almost everyone is mad here. Ha... ha ha ha ha ha! You may have noticed that Iím not all there myself.... hahaha... and the momeraths outgrabe...


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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NummyNums
post Aug 10 2003, 10:16 PM
Post #4


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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Paper Plane..Paper heart 1/28/2003
In my eyes i could never see
there was more in what you did to me
I could go far but i could never get there fast enough
In your arms I did trust
But the metal did rust
and it wasnt safe to fly with you
It wasnt safe to fly
So i feel down and i kept on hididng
My sky was dark and gray and i couldnt see the wind
and you thought my torcher would never end
but oh my love you should of thought again
I will take my plane and I will fly
my imaginary sky
Watch me as i spread my wings and start again among other things
because this time it wont rust
because with my paper heart
the one i wrote your name on and you ripped apart
I used my nice pen
but that was then
this is a new day
Im gonna make it better
Ill make a paper plane
Ill fly away again
do you think you can stop me?
cuz that paper heart was stronger than you know


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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NummyNums
post Aug 10 2003, 10:16 PM
Post #5


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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Member No.: 178



Can you please pass me a rag? 2/2/2003
to do what you want to do
and what you have to do
its all i can do right now
I have to bend to please
Make it work for now
Like a picture book i say
"look at me look at me"
or at least i used to
sometimes i wonder
"How can i make it work..untill"
I call him and hes says to me
"tell me.."
like im supposed to tell him, them
and i walk from stairwell to stairwell screaming at the top of my lungs because I WONT SAY WHATS WRONG
for petes sake what is wrong
Am i going mad?
why of course I am
when everythings wrong you juts put on a goddamn happy face because thats all you can do
Pass me the polish for my happy face as been worn so often people are starting to see past it
and a rag, can you please pass me a rag?


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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NummyNums
post Aug 10 2003, 10:18 PM
Post #6


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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Group: Banned
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Joined: 26-March 03
Member No.: 178



Just a little puppet.. 3/13/2003
Its like your something
if your having nothing
You need to taste it when your getting hungry
I should be fighting off the dogs
I should be facing all my deamons
the bloods falling faster everyday
and i know they like to hurt me
I can taste it in my lonly
Im not going to fight you anymore
Im out that door
straight to your car
leave me on the side of the road so i can
why do you think that you need me?
Ill keep on fighting by myself
I can do it by self
I will be there puppet
I can be there puppet
I will not controll me any more...come and find me...


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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NummyNums
post Aug 10 2003, 10:19 PM
Post #7


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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Member No.: 178



this one is kinda in your face but its my favorite
Shes lonly
and she wonders
Shes hungry for something
She hasnt had in a long time
shes holding onto something that was never there
She needed to feel, she needed to touch,she needed to need
she wanted so much..and she couldnt run away from him
because she needed
so out to cliffs they drove
her body was shaking her mind was cold
But she needed to be loved
she thought she was loved
she couldnt see that, that pretty face was more than ecstacy
it would fool her mind
and he took her body
and he wrapped himself inside it
She was hurt and he made another knotch in his belt
but
She needed to feel, she needed to touch,she needed to need
she wanted so much..and she couldnt run away from him
because she needed
I needed
Theres more to me.....


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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cheese is funny
post Aug 10 2003, 10:35 PM
Post #8


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hatching a dream.... it sorta makes me think about how im never truely happy.... like... i want change, i want something better... but i can never get it... its all one big dream... and i want to live inside that dream of a reality that will never exist, and when i have the chance to make that dream real, i hide from the chance, i hide out of fear that i will lose my happyness...


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NummyNums
post Aug 11 2003, 02:06 PM
Post #9


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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ok er not


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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NummyNums
post Aug 12 2003, 12:45 AM
Post #10


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
************

Group: Banned
Posts: 1,874
Joined: 26-March 03
Member No.: 178



guess no one wanted to read my poems huh.............. sad.gif


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

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NummyNums
post Aug 23 2003, 03:20 PM
Post #11


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
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Group: Banned
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Joined: 26-March 03
Member No.: 178



:bump: im bumping this up cuz still no one has read my peoms... i need opinions guys cuz if they suck i wont enter them in the muse


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

user posted image
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NummyNums
post Aug 24 2003, 05:21 PM
Post #12


Holey Great Mother of God ive been cloned!!!
************

Group: Banned
Posts: 1,874
Joined: 26-March 03
Member No.: 178



still nothin


--------------------
Me and logic are e-engaged woot woot.. *mwuah* luv yah babe
No one will ever love cheese as much as i do.. always and forever...
Commies my husband.... whuts it to yah huh? hehehe *hugglez commie*
my boobs are named Aidan and Nadia.. wes owns them now, he also owns me we are engaged and i love him and sex him with all my heart and umm.... soul.. hehehe

user posted image
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Juiceisgood
post Aug 25 2003, 12:37 PM
Post #13


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Member No.: 554



Hmmm.... Your poems don't suck Nummy, but they lack a rhyme structure. That's not nessisarily a bad thing, but your poems arn't free verse either. Being stuck in between like that can make the flow a bit cloggy. Generally, I write free verse, if I throw in a bit of rhyme very now and then it's just by accident. That way, the poem flows better and it's much more lucid and thus easier to read.

Don't think people are ignoring you NummyNums, it's just that you posted a heck of alot of poetry, good poetry. But poetry isn't everybodies thing. You seem to have the makings of a great writer though smile.gif Try free verse or a stricter verse and rhyme structure.

This is an example of a tighter structure I did ages ago:

Itís one in the morning
And no one is talkiní
And I just donít know what to do.

And I was thinkiní of writiní
But thereís no point fightiní
And Iíve drunk to much coffee and gin to go to bed.

All my friends are with wimen
Or theyíre all sittiní
Around doing nothing at all

I wanted to be speediní
But all my friends are bleediní
I just hope it ainít all my fault.

I ainít got a girly
So Iíll get real curly
Readiní books down on the floor

And people are askiní
About my style of lastiní
Friday nights and into the morn

I just say Iím busy
ĎCos Iím pretty nippy
From drugs that I just canít find

Iím listeniní to Dylan
And Iím pretty williní
To fade away and not make a sound

I should be thankiní
But instead Iím just wankiní
The night away to my self

Perhaps I should find a lady
And have me a baby
But that wouldnít be much fun at all

I knew I was losiní
When I started booziní
I donít even like alcohol

And I got a number
But I didnít call her
I didnít realize thatís what she wants

Perhaps Iím just dreaminí
Tomorrow Iím leaviní
Get some crystal and snort off these blues

And things will get better
But Iím under the weather
Right now and thatís what counts

And Iím guessing itís petty
But Iím thinking itís heavy
To be beaten at your own game

And I shouldnít mind
But I canít keep it all the time
When itís one AM and Iím all alone

And honey I left ya
But it wasnít better
Filliní holes by digginí up more

And that girl I was eatiní
Gave my mind a beatiní
I just didnít know where the hell I stood

But that doesnít matter
ĎCos my mind feels like batter
Itís one AM and Iíve got the blues



Sorry, it's a bit long but it's the only thing I could find that isn't free verse smile.gif Also, you said that one of your poems was rather in-your-face, I don't want to sound cruel but it isn't. Be less timid and more forceful, write how you actually feel, be honest, completely honest without bothering about the implications. Even if it's embarrassing, it makes good writing, even if it would make your friends hate you (I've got a bunch of poetry that would make my friends beat me to death with giant sticks (tongue.gif) because when they do somethign that annoys me I write about it, and I don't spare the details smile.gif But they're used to it so they can take most of the stuff I write with a grain of salt.).

Hope that helped a bit... Keep writing!


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DarkenedSilence
post Aug 26 2003, 04:43 PM
Post #14


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QUOTE (Juiceisgood @ Aug 25 2003, 01:37 PM)
Your poems don't suck Nummy, but they lack a rhyme structure.

I'd have to agree. At first I thought it was some sort of symobllism for chaotic emotion in paper plane paper heart, but it didn't fit the mood for the rest. You came increadibly close to hitting perfect rhythem (sp?) in "Just like a puppet." Things like rhyme scheme, and meter are concious decisions. Everything here has so much potential if you clean them up a bit. They are diamonds in a cave, a polish and a cut and they'll shine with eternal beauty.

Btw sorry for the late response, but you bumped it like 3 days after I joined blink.gif Must've slipped under the radar ohmy.gif stupid broken radar dry.gif dry.gif


--------------------
Life is an inlaw, so treat it like you would any inlaw. Turn up the TV volume ignore it and hope it shuts up soon.
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Belldandy
post Aug 26 2003, 09:02 PM
Post #15


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I agree with what's been said, what you really need is structure, and that one poem really wasn't very "in your face". I try to write poetry sometimes, and I think I have the same problem with structure--I'm not very good with it. I'd like to try free verse (or do I mean blank verse?), but I'm not exactly sure how to go about it. Can you use free verse and blank verse at the same time? Or would that even be poetry at all?

You want to read some REALLY BAD POETRY? Read this:

The Joyous Bees of the Forest

In the forest, Ďneath the trees
Where the flowers are of gaudy gold,
There live about a thousand bees
Of whom a million legends have been told.

The bees themselves enjoy their time;
They like to play a lively game,
They love to hear a brand new rhyme,
Although they know theyíre all the same.

But what makes these jaunty beasts so funny?
Itís not the joyous games they play,
Itís not their rhymes so sweet like honey,
But what they do up through the month of May.

For while the other bees collect their pollen,
These joyous bees asleep have fallen.

laugh.gif I wrote this in 10th grade, who knows why, and I actually entered it in a poetry contest, just to get extra credit for my English class. Then, when I went to the award ceremony and poetry reading (of course I didn't win anything), I actually ended up reading it, just to encourage anyone who thought THEIR poetry was dumb to step up and read it. And it worked--after that, lots of people who weren't volunteering before ended up reading theirs too. Made the whole thing worthwhile.

Anyway, that's the only one of my poems I had stored on my computer, and the rest are in various notebooks and on scraps of paper at home. I think they're at least a little bit better than that one, though.

I really liked some of your concepts, Nummy. Especially the paper plane one.

Um, are the lines from Alice in Wonderland part of the "Like a child" poem?
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