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> I Wrote A Poem, i want you guys to rate it
how was the poem?
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Total Votes: 12
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monkey_called_na...
post Aug 22 2003, 09:45 AM
Post #1


I'm an inefficient bear. Maul.
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From: carlinville illinois
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ok this is a poem, i wrote and i want to submit it but, im kinnda scared and i want to get it rated first to know if anyone will actually like it or not... please excuse the spelling

CRY
not all the world
can shead its tears
in this world so lacking love
raising children in fear
all of the killing
and even more hate
parents abandoning children
never careing there fait
some to grow in love
while the others grow cold
they live the life in sorrow
and they slowly become old
mothers and fathers
one day becoming bored
forget there young children
and move on for more
alone in there beds
they cry late into the night
there hearts become dead
from a wrong not made right
still others there partents
to buisy with drugs
forgetting what matters
their children become thugs
so filled with hate
blaiming themselves
and threw out it all
they creat there own hell
even more of the parents
consumed by there greedthey beat there children
for on others they feed
they prostitute there children
with there abuse and there rape
and then they stare in wonder
and the children grow in hate
and all of this spreading
from a few simple sins
but always in the end
love never wins


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ATTACK SLOTH!

It's gonna get you... eventually.
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nordelen
post Aug 22 2003, 10:17 AM
Post #2


the monitor lizzards are coming!
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thats damn cool, narth.


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CommieBastard
post Aug 22 2003, 10:27 AM
Post #3


Remorseless posting machine
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Good poem, and I like the sentiment behind it, but it does need a little work. Spelling and grammatical mistakes aside, I think you need more structure to it, and a consistent meter. With some work it'll be great.


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Every sort of expert knowledge and every inquiry, and similarly every action and undertaking, seems to seek some good. Because of that, people are right to affirm that the good is 'that which all things seek'...
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monkey_called_na...
post Aug 22 2003, 12:50 PM
Post #4


I'm an inefficient bear. Maul.
************

Group: Established Members
Posts: 1,970
Joined: 21-June 03
From: carlinville illinois
Member No.: 408
Gender: Female



ok history about this poem i just wrote it about a half hour befor i posted it... around 4:30 in the morning after sleeping a total of 3 hours in now the past 3 days.


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ATTACK SLOTH!

It's gonna get you... eventually.
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Guest_Sack O' Mean Kittens_*
post Aug 23 2003, 06:07 AM
Post #5





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The main problem I see with this poem is that its been done before. Don't get me wrong, the sentiment behind it is great, but it is a common sentiment and you said it in a common way. This poem has been written many times before and lacks new perspective and freshness.

Try to think of a different angle to express what you feel, try to get your audience to see the subject with new light. What do you bring to this common vision that is fresh and unique to the reader?
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Mata
post Aug 23 2003, 10:07 AM
Post #6


'Trouble Down Pit' now online!
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Interesting first post Sack'!


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monkey_called_na...
post Aug 23 2003, 10:29 AM
Post #7


I'm an inefficient bear. Maul.
************

Group: Established Members
Posts: 1,970
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From: carlinville illinois
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im currently re-writting it actually im trashing it and writing a new poem wich i will in turn put up in its place... as soon as i can think of things to write about...


--------------------
ATTACK SLOTH!

It's gonna get you... eventually.
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Guest_Sack O' Mean Kittens_*
post Aug 23 2003, 08:22 PM
Post #8





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I never thought when I chose my handle that it would be shortened to "Sack" wink.gif


Don't try to hard, Narth, or it will seem forced. Write when you're inspired, even if it's only about a leaf or broken shopping cart wheel. If you try to tackle the big questions and moral dilemmas in life, you have to remember that it's all been done before, which makes it infinately harder to write a successful poem. Look for small ways to say something big.
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vicrawr
post Aug 24 2003, 01:45 AM
Post #9



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I voted for the fire one...I mean c'mon, you CAN start a fire with it! It's not bad....I just like fire....alot
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reaper
post Aug 26 2003, 10:59 PM
Post #10


I live again......
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I like the issues you talked about in the poem and I think it could be a very powerful poem with just a bit more tweeking. All and all I give this poem 4 flying sideways monkeys out of 5 biggrin.gif


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