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> Advice, Can anyone help me please?
spiffilicious05
post Dec 28 2003, 01:56 AM
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Hey, so here's the deal. I have this friend whom I met back in late August, early September. He was a great friend, and I love him dearly. I owe much to him, including my life. But lately he's been trying to control my actions and wants me around 90% percent of the time when he calls so I can spend hours on end on the phone with him, and if I'm not home I get a biting email from him. This is difficult because although I'm able to get online alot, it's for research, and I do have a very busy life. Also, he lives in Chicago, and I live in Syracuse NY. So it's difficult. Can anyone help me with some advice about what to do? Here's the latest email from him and my response:

His:
Well, I called back, Big shock, You're not there as always. F*ck it Hun, Either chose to be there more like 90% of the time I call or chose never to be there. The next E-mail you send me, Make it a few words, Simply say "Yes, I WILL be around more no matter what" Or "Good-bye Forever" I am tired of it Kat.
Love Jess.


Mine:
Nice ultimatum, and seeing as how you're trying to control my life then, f*ck you. I mean, I'm not going to stay around 90% of the time waiting by the phone for you to call, I have a life, and I have things to do. I love you but if you can't accept that then I'm sorry. So really, the choice is up to you, either back off and stop trying to control my life, or realize that you may have made a mistake and apologize. It's that simple. I love you and I thank you for the time we've had together, but I will not live my life with someone I love so dearly who constantly tells me that I don't love him, who teases me 100% of the time, and won't let me live my life without me having to have a lecture at the end of the day. I love you dearly, and I would have always done so. I'm sorry.

Love always,
Kat.


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spiffilicious05
post Dec 28 2003, 02:13 AM
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Okay...this just came in...if anyone cares >_< -- ugh:

No Kat f*ck you! I am not trying to controle shit, YOU DO TO GOD DAMNED MUCH BULLSHIT! And I KNOW i am not the first to tell you that, If we are gonna have a relationship, There needs to be a little effort on your part, not just Oh I will be around when I can be.
THE CHOICE IS YOUR'S
Make it.
Jess


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Phyllis
post Dec 28 2003, 02:19 AM
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Well, from what I see here....he does seem very controlling. I think you're doing the right thing here. Just stick with it and don't give in...even if that means losing his friendship. You can't let someone else control your actions like that.

However, if you make no effort whatsoever to ever call him or go out of your way to talk to him, and it's him making all the sacrifices to have a relationship with you...he may just be hurt that the relationship seems very one-sided.

But asking you to be around 90% of the time? That's a bit much.


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Sir Maxerpopple
post Dec 28 2003, 02:20 AM
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Dump him and put him in yoir spam filter. Get caller ID or screen your calls. Block his IM's.

He is verbally abusive and cannot possibly lead to a healthy relationship. End it before it gets bad.


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acidteardrop
post Dec 28 2003, 03:39 AM
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*sigh* do i need to make this hooligan realize how people are supposed to treat my little sister?


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spiffilicious05
post Dec 28 2003, 05:37 AM
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Thanks guys smile.gif


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Alaric
post Dec 28 2003, 05:51 AM
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Yeah, its best to end it, he seems like he may be abusive, i know because i've run across someone that is abusive(he threw a friend of mine against the wall, and other stuff) so yeah. He may be nice one min, but his e-mails show a different side of him.


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CommandeerOfSoul...
post Dec 28 2003, 08:23 AM
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I'd say just kinda ignore his rantings on how you should be there 90% of the time and talk to him when you can/feel-like-it... and if that doesn't work then I guess you should break it up w/ him.
no sense losing a friend if you don't have to... although I'm not sure you don't.

I'm bad at advice.


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sammi
post Dec 28 2003, 01:27 PM
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I'm with Candice on this one -- he sounds very controlling, and no one wants to put up with that. And to tell you that you're doing too much "bullsh*t" isn't exactly caring or trying to understand; not even respectful of your career or anything like that. I mean, from the e-mails I understand he's upset, and that he probably thinks you're making no effort so just let him know that you are. However you're also right in telling him that your world won't revolve around his calls - you *do* have things to do, and a life to live, with a world beyond your relationship. Plus, he does sound pretty verbally abusive, so where you want to take that is up to you... I'm not terribly good at advice, but I hope that helped...


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Silver Star Ange...
post Dec 28 2003, 07:53 PM
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Hm... I read about this. I suggest ending the friendship because he's not a real friend if he's gonna treat you like that. Also, a long distance relationship is just too much trouble and too dangerous.

P.S. If he pulls that anymore tell him to come to the Bronx and I'll beat the bloody $@#%@# out of him.


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miss_spunk
post Dec 28 2003, 09:13 PM
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ok anyone else consider that the "90% of the time" might be a slight exagerration? Have you returned his calls? Say he called, you weren't there, he left a message, you never replied? And if so did this happen a lot. Otherwise he's an obsessive person smile.gif You seem to hold him in high esteem. I DON'T suggest dumping him, try to resolve your problems.

Aysha xxx


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cheese is funny
post Dec 28 2003, 09:52 PM
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id tell him how much his friendship means to you, and how glad you are to have him around, but he should stop trying to controll you and your life. because it is exactly that, your life, not his. if he cannot see that your life needs to be lived your way, and that his obsessiveness isnt going to fit in with the way you live, then tell him to bugger off. he is far too obsessive...


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TigerLily013
post Dec 28 2003, 11:51 PM
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QUOTE (Silver Star Angel of Da Towers @ Dec 28 2003, 02:52 PM)
Also, a long distance relationship is just too much trouble and too dangerous.

Oi! Not ALL long distance relationships are bad y'know. I guess everyone has their input though, so I'll accept that.

In this case, it is bad. He is too controlling for my taste. I agree with everyone else, get rid of him.


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spiffilicious05
post Dec 29 2003, 01:53 AM
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QUOTE
ok anyone else consider that the "90% of the time" might be a slight exagerration? Have you returned his calls? Say he called, you weren't there, he left a message, you never replied? And if so did this happen a lot. Otherwise he's an obsessive person  You seem to hold him in high esteem. I DON'T suggest dumping him, try to resolve your problems.

Aysha xxx


See - I'd call him back but he won't give me his number so that I can call him back. And that really annoys me...

I'd agree with everyone else about just dumping him but..I suck at being mean dry.gif sad.gif


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VVes
post Dec 29 2003, 02:21 AM
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QUOTE (spiffilicious05 @ Dec 28 2003, 08:52 PM)
QUOTE
ok anyone else consider that the "90% of the time" might be a slight exagerration? Have you returned his calls? Say he called, you weren't there, he left a message, you never replied? And if so did this happen a lot. Otherwise he's an obsessive person You seem to hold him in high esteem. I DON'T suggest dumping him, try to resolve your problems.

Aysha xxx


See - I'd call him back but he won't give me his number so that I can call him back. And that really annoys me...

I'd agree with everyone else about just dumping him but..I suck at being mean dry.gif sad.gif

Hey, I kinda skimmed through the thread, but letting someone go doesn't have to be made in a mean way.

Just state the simple and plain truth.


:: Jess, I would really like to see us in a great relationship, but if there's going to be issues that are being brought up that I really can't agree with. I rather just let it be and move on.

When you're ready to be in a good relationship without the abusive chatter, let me know and I will be willing to work with you. If you can't then, this is good-bye.

Nice knowing you.

##### ::


Well, you get the idea, preferably on the phone and don't let Jess interrupt, just say something like " I just want you to listen, and then, I'll hang up. You can tell me what your decision is on (set date) and we will take it from there"

You don't have to be mean and go down to his level to get your point across , and just ignore his emails and calls if you guys break it off.

So, good luck!


:: huggle attacks ::


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spiffilicious05
post Dec 29 2003, 02:52 AM
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/is attacked with hugs/

smile.gif tanky wes

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Silver Star Ange...
post Dec 30 2003, 01:12 AM
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Don't worry Spiffy... I'll get gangsta on his you know wat if he bothers you anymore... (i like threatening mean ppl)


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the lil' pie...
post Dec 30 2003, 01:18 PM
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QUOTE (spiffilicious05 @ Dec 29 2003, 01:52 AM)
See - I'd call him back but he won't give me his number so that I can call him back. And that really annoys me...

I'd agree with everyone else about just dumping him but..I suck at being mean dry.gif sad.gif

he wont give you his number???
he's leaving you no option BUT to be around!! and thats controlling.
mad.gif with him for treating you this bad honey *huggles and snuggles* tell him where to take his conditional love. if it was that much to him, he wouldnt demand stuff of you like this dry.gif

sorry, it just made me angry...yep...


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spiffilicious05
post Dec 30 2003, 05:10 PM
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*sighs* well as of late last night/very early this morning, Jess and I are no longer friends. Thanks for the help guys -- *sighs* smile.gif


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VVes
post Dec 30 2003, 05:29 PM
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QUOTE (spiffilicious05 @ Dec 30 2003, 12:09 PM)
*sighs* well as of late last night/very early this morning, Jess and I are no longer friends. Thanks for the help guys -- *sighs* smile.gif

Happy New Year for sure Trina.

:: hugg attack ::


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Sir Maxerpopple
post Jan 2 2004, 05:23 PM
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miss_spunk
post Jan 3 2004, 03:56 PM
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I'm sorry hon. That can't ever be nice. But if he's like this, then he obviously wasn't worth it!


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jicama
post Jan 4 2004, 12:48 AM
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look, i hate to be a meanie, but why are you so worried about hurting his feelings? you've only known him for what? four months? that's not a very long time, especially with a long distance relationship. and he has your #, but you don't have his?! ya, he sounds real commited... look, if you are having these kind of problems this early in a relationship, then i'm sorry, but it's doomed. have a good cry if you need it, and push 'em out the door. your future self will thank you.

you say that you owe him your life. if this is true, then send him a thank-you card along with his "dear john" letter. it's about time he learned that you don't own the lives you save, and you ought to know that you don't repay a kindness by sacrificing your autonomy.


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Ocean!
post Jan 4 2004, 03:53 AM
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Pass on this little message for me, okay?

I want to be friends. Lets see you stay at your house forever, block all numbers but mine, and sit by the phone for hours on end waiting for me to call. Take the phone with you to the bathroom, for god's sake. Never leave your phone. Ever. If you get hungry, or have an emmergecy, don't you dare touch the phone, because if the line is busy for whatever reason, you'll never hear the end of it. I want you to ditch your friends, never call your family. Just stay at home. For ever. I will be your social life. I will be your only friend. Sound reasonable?

I mean seriously.... If he's that desperate for companionship, why doesn't he get his butt of the chair and get outside and make friends. He's depending on you to be there all the time. He is being controlling, and possibly abusive. He can't say those things to you. What's he trying to do? Take away your life? No one can stay inside 90% of the time, just because someone wants them to. Tell him if he's going to be controlling, you're blocking his email. Get call I.D and don't tell him. Don't answer his calls, or better yet, call him all the time untill you get him when he's not home. Then spaz at him.

Tell him to get his own life and stay out of yours.

I would love to get that little mofo's email.

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Dreams On Hiatus
post Jan 5 2004, 11:42 PM
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QUOTE (spiffilicious05 @ Dec 29 2003, 01:52 AM)
QUOTE
ok anyone else consider that the "90% of the time" might be a slight exagerration? Have you returned his calls? Say he called, you weren't there, he left a message, you never replied? And if so did this happen a lot. Otherwise he's an obsessive person You seem to hold him in high esteem. I DON'T suggest dumping him, try to resolve your problems.

Aysha xxx


See - I'd call him back but he won't give me his number so that I can call him back. And that really annoys me...

I'd agree with everyone else about just dumping him but..I suck at being mean dry.gif sad.gif

He definately sounds controlling, and I know of more things he's done that you've told me. I'd end the relationship if his attitude continues. From the beginning I've had a bad feeling about him. He's a meanie.

Your best friend and noob,

Brenna


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