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> I Think My Husband's Strange- Advice?
staceyv
post Jan 9 2004, 06:15 PM
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it seems to me that if i am loving and caring to my husband, it just pushes him away, or makes him indifferent. like, say, i cook for him, tell him i love him and come on to him all in one day. it seems too much for him. on the other hand, if I am indifferent to him, like if i basically act too busy for him and i'm a little impatient or rude with him, he seems to love it. that's when He is affectionate and loving. I told him all of this and he agreed with me. it's true. i don't understand why we can't both be at a high degree of love at the same time. it seems that only one of us at a time can be in love. so now i have to distance myself from him and basically be independent and self-centered in order to get the love and affection i want from him. it seems so twisted to me. what do you guys think? why is he like that? are all guys like that? i mean, wouldn't you think that it would be nice to love and be loved in return? what's the point in taking turns, when only one person would feel loved and content at a time and the other one would feel unfulfilled? help?!
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Jonman
post Jan 9 2004, 07:24 PM
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QUOTE (staceyv @ Jan 9 2004, 11:14 AM)
it seems to me that if i am loving and caring to my husband, it just pushes him away, or makes him indifferent. like, say, i cook for him, tell him i love him and come on to him all in one day. it seems too much for him. on the other hand, if I am indifferent to him, like if i basically act too busy for him and i'm a little impatient or rude with him, he seems to love it. that's when He is affectionate and loving. I told him all of this and he agreed with me. it's true. i don't understand why we can't both be at a high degree of love at the same time. it seems that only one of us at a time can be in love. so now i have to distance myself from him and basically be independent and self-centered in order to get the love and affection i want from him. it seems so twisted to me. what do you guys think? why is he like that? are all guys like that? i mean, wouldn't you think that it would be nice to love and be loved in return? what's the point in taking turns, when only one person would feel loved and content at a time and the other one would feel unfulfilled? help?!

Yes, that is strange. I mean really, I thought it was written into the Man Code that if a woman (especially your wife) cooks you dinner while wearing skimpy clothing that you're legally, nay morally obliged to give her some loving.


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staceyv
post Jan 9 2004, 07:27 PM
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actually, he gets really turned on when i'm mad and i'm telling him off. he gets that look in his eye..
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Sir Psycho Sexy
post Jan 9 2004, 07:45 PM
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this may sound strange, but have you tried some mild BDSM with him?? he might like that wink.gif


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Jonman
post Jan 9 2004, 08:16 PM
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QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Jan 9 2004, 12:44 PM)
this may sound strange, but have you tried some mild BDSM with him?? he might like that  wink.gif

I was thinking the exact same thing - Naughty Schoolboy Syndrome!


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Jaq
post Jan 9 2004, 08:18 PM
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QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Jan 9 2004, 01:44 PM)
this may sound strange, but have you tried some mild BDSM with him?? he might like that wink.gif

Yup. That man definitely has masochistic tendencies.


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Ocean!
post Jan 10 2004, 12:03 AM
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Sex is usually better with couples who fight than with couples who have continuous romance. If you fight it's like they have some sort of obstacle to overcome... I guess what you are experiencing could be sort of the same thing.. Sorta?
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Sir Psycho Sexy
post Jan 10 2004, 12:06 AM
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QUOTE (Jaq @ Jan 9 2004, 08:17 PM)
QUOTE (Sir_Psycho_Sexy @ Jan 9 2004, 01:44 PM)
this may sound strange, but have you tried some mild BDSM with him?? he might like that wink.gif

Yup. That man definitely has masochistic tendencies.

a masochist gets off on being hurt, getting off on being told off is a disiplinarian thing, i have read more than enough stories to recognise these things tongue.gif

EDIT:...actually i've read about this sort of scenario before, though they do tend to take a fictional path when it gets into the.....naughtiness tongue.gif


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Juiceisgood
post Jan 10 2004, 04:01 AM
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Yeah, some mild BDSM would probably work wonders... even some handcuffs? Hell, there ain't nothing wrong with the hand cuffs! *is dragged away*

Anyway, well, just because you have to act hostile doesn't mean that you can't love him, in fact it means that you are willing to indulge his sexual differences... which is quite a nice thing to do IMO. On the otherhand, you seem like the sort of person who quite likes the whole romantic candles and dinner then off to bed sort of romance... which is a great thing, but I guess some men can't appriciate it. Anyway, it's certainly not a normal male quirk, but that doesn't matter... Tell me, did this just gradually happen or was it like that from the start?


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Jonman
post Jan 10 2004, 04:50 AM
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QUOTE (Ocean! @ Jan 9 2004, 05:02 PM)
Sex is usually better with couples who fight than with couples who have continuous romance. If you fight it's like they have some sort of obstacle to overcome... I guess what you are experiencing could be sort of the same thing.. Sorta?

Bah, Tish and Piffle.

I've never been in a conflict ridden relationship, especially not the current one, and if sex was any better, at least one of our heads would fall off.

That's not to say that a bit of a tiff can't lead to some great sex, just saying that it's not a prerequisite for mindblowing sex.

Glad I've got that sorted then....


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staceyv
post Jan 10 2004, 04:53 AM
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he has always been like that. from day one, he has appreciated me more and has been more loving and caring and affectionate if i am distant and uncaring. it's not all about sex, it's just in general, he likes me to be aloof with him, or he's turned off.
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Juiceisgood
post Jan 10 2004, 04:59 AM
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But it is sexual, even if it isn't directly pertaining to sex. But the suggestion stands, because it might help ease the way he acts out of bed when you're being nice. That is let him get it out of his system and then maybe he'll be more responsive to your love.

Well, it's worth a try innit?


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Jaq
post Jan 10 2004, 05:08 AM
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sounds like he likes the thrill of the chase better than being content with what he's got. You know, the grass is always greener on the other side and that sort of thing.

If I were you I might be a bit concerned. If he's so in love with chasing you or at least having the illusion of chasing you he may one day realize that you're always going to be there and you don't need to be chased and he might want to find someone else to chase, if you get my drift.


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Chinafigurine
post Jan 13 2004, 05:13 PM
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Has he had a bad relationship in the past where he felt too smothered and trapped? That might explain why he likes the aloofness, it seems less scary.
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karismaklysm
post Jan 13 2004, 06:04 PM
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i hate to break it to you folks... but all relationships get that way...
people get comfortable and take advantage of each other.
and its ok. that's what makes relationships require effort. so figure each others' patterns out and work from there.

my last relationship, aka hell on earth, downward spiraled because of this problem+ her impatience. she would start fights with me on purpose if i seemed comfortable. its ok to be comfortable. its not ok to take your S&M out of the bedroom and out to the coffee shop.

just upkeep your relationship. check in every once in awhile-ask questions (THAT WONT LEAD TO FIGHTS) to draw him out enough to feel the connection, and throw some spice in the bedroom when you feel up to it...


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karismaklysm
post Jan 14 2004, 08:49 PM
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um, i really didn't mean to kill the thread....

just a humble opinion...

/me is sorry for overdoing it.


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Jonman
post Jan 14 2004, 08:57 PM
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QUOTE (karismaklysm @ Jan 13 2004, 11:03 AM)
ask questions (THAT WONT LEAD TO FIGHTS)

What, like

"Fancy a cup of tea?", or "What's on TV?"


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Juiceisgood
post Jan 16 2004, 12:42 PM
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QUOTE
What, like

"Fancy a cup of tea?", or "What's on TV?"


laugh.gif

Arg... I hate it when people ask for advice and then don't tell you what happend later... I know it's just because they forget and it goes out of their mind but still...

Or at least an update so we can help more if things still arn't working out...

Or I could just respect people's privacy... nah... cool.gif


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karismaklysm
post Jan 16 2004, 07:48 PM
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QUOTE
What, like

"Fancy a cup of tea?", or "What's on TV?"


lol...

no. just not "why dont you love me anymore?"
or "why aren't you bringing me flowers?"

etc...

more like:
"but baby, we ALWAYS do what i want... what do YOU want to do. so what do you want?"
and
"how can i make you feel more assured in this relationship?"
or
"what more can i do to enhance our relationship... in the sack?"


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