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> Friendships, Would like some helpful tips
broken_angst
post Jan 17 2004, 05:39 AM
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So, this here is my first post thingy-majiger. I've had a hard time thinking of something to say...and now I have it. Let's have a little hypothetical situation here. Let's say there's a person who is friends with many many people. He essentially has nobody who dislikes him and always has time for everyone. Now this person starts dating. He finds out that time becomes very scarce. And now one of very best friends, a person he sees as very very close to him, seems to be hurt by events that are happening. And having this relationship seems to be hurting the friendships of the guy. So now, his dating situation is taking up all of his time, he's hurting his friends, and he doesn't really know what to do. He has always tried to help everyone and now he has no time. No time to live, but no reason to die. Don't take that as anything harmful, it was just something i thought of. What should this guy do? He's trying not to lose his friends, but he sees that they're having a hard time with this relationship. :'( And it's killing him inside... He's not the person he used to be, but things haven't much changed. Help...
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Juiceisgood
post Jan 17 2004, 05:49 AM
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Well, make time. You can't be spending 24 hours a day with this girl... I mean, there should be time for both...

But generally, when you get a steady girlfriend you don't see your friends as much... it's pretty unaviodable. Basically there is no way you can see both your friends and your girlfriend as much as you'd like, but that doesn't mean that you have to dump your girl or stop beig friends with all you mates... just that there's going to be less time for both...


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Usurper MrTeapot
post Jan 17 2004, 06:06 AM
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There is always the phone, it is no replacement for meeting in person but when you have been busy for a while then a random call to your friends is almost as good. Especially if you haven't seen them in ages.If they know your situation then they should understand.


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franken-sarah
post Jan 17 2004, 12:46 PM
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Hiya! I've just started with this stuff too and was checking out some of the forums when I saw your message which struck a little chord with me.

Relationships are just too weird, whether it's with mates or boys/girls!! Like you, I always try to make everyone happy but sometimes you just end up spreading yourself too far - then everyone gets pissed off with you.... you can't win!!

I'm from England but I live in Scotland and regularly take a "quick" 8 hour trip down south in the car to visit friends and family. However, cos I'm not usually down for more than a few days I try to fit in as many people as I can which means time's short - and I'm stressed!! Some of my friends don't seem to appreciate the effort this takes getting around to see everyone and they moan that I can onlt stay a couple of hours. I've recently rectified this situation by not visiting said moaners!!

maybe your friends are jealous, or maybe just concerned that you're cutting them out, or maybe they need to accept that things change and people move on - well not all people!!

Just tell everyone that you love them!!
Franken-Sarah x


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Silver Star Ange...
post Jan 17 2004, 04:56 PM
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Maybe you should call all of your friends and tell them what you're thinking. And talk to your girlfriend about it. I think she'd understand.


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Phyllis
post Jan 17 2004, 06:36 PM
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Well, hmm. Maybe it's just me, but if your dating situation is taking up all of your time...that doesn't exactly strike me as healthy. Everyone needs a little break from their significant others...they can't take up all of your spare time. I've had friends who did that, and it always led to alienation from friends (and, incidentally, they always seemed to get in more fights with their bfs/gfs since they were around them constantly). Obviously there's going to be less time for your friends since the sig. other is occupying some of your time...but they really shouldn't occupy all of it. Maybe you should contemplate telling him/her (you didn't say, I don't think..heh) that you need a little time each week or so to spend with your friends. Most friends are usually pretty understanding of being in relationships, as long as you at least make an effort to still spend some time with them...and if the bf/gf gets upset about you wanting a few hours for your friends each week, I'd really question whether he/she is too clingy.

Make sure to not run yourself ragged trying to please other people though. Set aside some time for yourself to be alone as well, if you need it. And good luck. smile.gif


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sammi
post Jan 17 2004, 08:58 PM
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Firstly, I'm going to assume, as everyone else seems to be doing, that the guy is you... blink.gif If it's not, well, just apply it to that situation, I guess. However, I would recommend you to be honest with your friends. Ring them up every so often, just go to the movies or do something together - try to make time. Show them that you care, and that you don't want your new girlfriend to take up all of your time; that they don't have to fight for your attention. I doubt your girlfriend is actually taking every second of the day up, but if she is... You might want to talk to her, since, well, since she's your girlfriend. Explain to her that even though you want to spend time with her, you do need some time for your other friends, or invite her along with your friends to go do something. Also, a question: is it that the friends don't *like* the girl as a person, or is just that she's taking up too much time? Because you might want to ask them. Just be honest, try to work things out, and do take enough time for yourself, like Candice said. Good luck 'n I hope that helped~! happy.gif


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MistressAlti
post Jan 18 2004, 02:42 AM
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I have a friend with a similar problem to yours. He's an incredible guy and I really hate to see this sort of thing happen to him. Anyway, today, when we were having a serious conversation, his girlfriend walked by, and he suddenly got the saddest look on his face and excused himself, saying, "I'm sorry, I have to go... or she'll be mad at me."

I don't know if this is relates at all to the problem you have and are seeing in your situation, but if it helps, I know that there is something terribly wrong in my friend's relationship if he feels he has to run after his girlfriend all the time to keep her from being angry. I know that they're always fighting and neither one seems happy at all, but when asked about it, he says he feels "trapped" in the relationship. And it really is a strain on friendships in general - how is anyone supposed to hang out or talk to him if he's always following her to keep her happy? Like I said, there is something terribly wrong there.

Hope that helps. Or hope it doesn't, cause it'd be a terrible situation to be in. I know it hurts me to see this happen to anyone, especially a dear friend of mine.
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LoLo
post Jan 18 2004, 02:44 AM
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To have a strong and healthy relationship first you have to make sure that your individuality doesn't get lost. By this I mean, you lead your seperate lives together, but you also have your seperate lives apart. Encourage her to hang out with her friends and do things with them, and you do the same with yours. Also like Candice said take some time for yourself to just relax and work on you. Also maybe spend time with your friends with your girlfriend there. That way you kill two birds with one stone. I however don't recommend doing this all the time because sometimes you just need that alone time with your friends. If your girlfriend has a problem with "letting" you have this time for yourself, then it's time to find another girl. Obviously she can't function alone and may have some co-dependance issues, and the relationship may fail do to eventual suffocation. Ever put a jar over a lit candle and watch it's flame just die? That's how relationships like that can tend to go. That's my two cents.

Let me also add, good friends are here to stay, relationships come and go.

This post has been edited by LoLo: Jan 18 2004, 03:33 AM


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Phyllis
post Jan 18 2004, 02:47 AM
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QUOTE (MistressAlti @ Jan 18 2004, 02:41 AM)
I have a friend with a similar problem to yours. He's an incredible friend and I really hate to see this sort of thing happen to him. Anyway, today, when we were having a serious conversation, his girlfriend walked by, and he suddenly got the saddest look on his face and excused himself, saying, "I'm sorry, I have to go... or she'll be mad at me."

I don't know if this is relates at all to the problem you have and are seeing in your situation, but if it helps, I know that there is something terribly wrong in my friend's relationship if he feels he has to run after his girlfriend all the time to keep her from being angry. I know that they're always fighting and neither one seems happy at all, but when asked about it, he says he feels "trapped" in the relationship. And it really is a strain on friendships in general - how is anyone supposed to hang out or talk to him if he's always following her to keep her happy? Like I said, there is something terribly wrong there.

Hope that helps. Or hope it doesn't, cause it'd be a terrible situation to be in. I know it hurts me to see this happen to anyone, especially a dear friend of mine.

I hope that your relationship isn't at all like that one, because I'd wonder how happy you could honestly be in it.

I don't think anyone should stay with someone just because they don't want to hurt them. I think that'll only end up hurting them more in the long run because it's sort of...leading them on, you know?

Missy, I hope your friend realizes that his own happiness matters just as much as anyone else's, and that he gets out of that relationship if he feels trapped and unhappy. I'm sorry you have to see a close friend be so sad. sad.gif *hugs*


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