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arsen
post Mar 3 2004, 10:36 PM
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Hi everyone.
My name is Arsen, I am 23 years old and i am from Russia.
I have married an american girl not so long time ago and we have the
issues that ruin our relationship.
To make the things really easy and simple is the question of trust.
I am the guilty party here and i have the balls to say it out loud.
I have never cheated on my wife, before or after we got married, in
fact she is the second girl in my life i have had sex with.
All the problems that we have is of my behaviour as an emotionally
immature person. This is marriage counselor's words but they are
true.
Iseem to have a natural ability to screw things up. I am not gonna
tell you all the bad things I did - the list is too long. I am
sinful.
BUT i never cheated on my wife.
The problem is that I have a deceitful personality. In my wife's
words I am a f..g liar. I am a liar. I do not feel comfortable with
her playing a detective on me - but I drove her to that stage when
she just have to.
Right now, after another screw-up it has been to that stage that my
wife does not trust me at all. Not a single sentence i say mean
anything to her. She laughs at my explanations, at my attempts to
start the things over, at literally anything I say.
I am feeling that I have lost her forever.
But I don't want to loose her!!! I love my wife more than everybody
in this world. Everything I do is connecting to the thought of her
in my mind - because that is for her....
How can I win my wife's trust back?????
What should I do - because the words don't work anymore - to gain
her confident in me again???
I am not trying to convince you that i "have changed" or I am
a "better person now" i am just trying to figure out the way of
reaching her intimacy level she once had with me.
i am not a bad person, i am a silly person. Fools don't learn on
their mistakes- i want to be a little bit smarter to learn on my own.
I realize now - after we don't talk at all - that I am the one that
needs a therapy and I just need to learn a simple truth - that I
have to be absolutely open with her and that means everything - even
the slightest thoughts I have. I need to learn how to be open to
her. I need to be explained why it is important to be open with your
wife - and I swear! - I always am the one to dedicate my life to
hers. i am going to see the psychiatrist next week but for now I
still have the question open - how to win her back?
Because I love her so much. She is the only bright light in my
perveted life...
Arsen.
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Litany
post Mar 4 2004, 07:05 AM
Post #2


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Group: New Members
Posts: 19
Joined: 2-March 04
From: Surrey, UK.
Member No.: 982



You need to tell the truth. And you need to appreciate that it will take a lot of time before your wife will believe you. So even though you're telling the truth and she isn't believing you, you can't fall into the trap of thinking you might as well lie anyway. And you shouldn't try convincing your wife, or pleading with your wife, or bargaining with your wife, or trying to change your wife's attitude towards you in any way other than by a change in your own behaviour. If you caused the mess with your lying, then your only option is to tell the truth and wait and see if she starts believing you. Bestowing her trust on you has to be her own choice, a choice freely made.

And if the reason you lie is because you're getting up to something you'd rather she didn't find out about, how about you just stop doing that particular thing? Then you won't need to lie about it anymore.

There's no quick fix to the mess you're in. It's going to take time for your wife to regain confidence in you again.

My friend at work is married to a man who constantly lies to her. She's recently suffered a break down and was diagnosed with clinical depression. Whatever you might be feeling right now about your loss of intimacy with your wife, I guarantee, it's 10 times worse for her.


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