For Those Who Need A Giggle Options

[phoenix]

the following article was found in my cities little magazine that comes out weekly. i happen to find it brilliantly amusing.

City Bottom
Toledo bans carbs
Mayor warns 'flour pushers' to beware by Handy Mans
In a move designed to make Toledo a healthier city, Mayor Jack Ford has banned carbohydrates from public eating establishments within the city limits. “The people have spoken,” Ford declared at a press conference sometime before now. “We’re going to be the healthiest city in the country, and the only way to do that is to put the entire city on the Atkins diet.”
Bakery owners are up in arms over the proposal, which they claim will put them out of business. “If people want a muffin or a bagel for breakfast, that’s their right,” proclaimed Biff Bullock, owner of the local Bagel’s Bagel bagelry chain. “This intrusion into our private lives is just going to put hardworking businesses under, as our customers flock to carb-friendly vendors in Sylvania Township and Perrysburg.”
The owners of Wiggly Bakery, on the Anthony Wayne Trail, and Miguel’s Bakery, on Frontless Street, have joined forces to form a charitable organization called Buns For Tots. “People who stop into our shops are attending private meetings, which benefit local kids,” claimed a spokes-man. The group plans to hold members-only birthday parties — with lots of cake — for celebrities such as Betty Crocker, Duncan Hines, plus Ernie and at least three other Keebler Elves.
Ford is not impressed. “They’re hiding behind the guise of charity to continue permitting carb abuse in their establishments. I advise these flour pushers to
take the city seriously, or the Buns for Tots are going to get spanked — and spanked hard.”
The issue has galvanized the city. Atkins dieters held protests outside Government Center with placards reading “keep your buns off my body,” while a thriving black market delivers loaded baked potatoes to downtown office workers, despite the implementation by some employers of broccoli-and-cheese-sniffing dogs and random sour-cream tests. Mayor Ford simply hopes that when the brouhaha has died down, the city will be leaner and more fit.
“ If the suburbs would join us, and the citizens would realize this ban is for their own good, and we all made a resolution to be healthier in the new millennium, that would be … well … smokin’!”