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> Solicitors, Oh what fun!
Righteous
post May 25 2004, 06:29 AM
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I was thinking about how much I hate solicitors, be they the phone kind or the door-to-door kind. My buddy Dave (when he was living with this dude Drew) once was sitting by playing his harmonica when Drew picked up the phone when a solicitor called asking for the head of the household. Drew handed the phone off to Dave who sat listening to the Solicitor. He then began playing his harmonica, soft at first progressively getting louder. He eventually was just laughing into the thing and thoroughly confused the poor solicitor. My brother's ex Dawn once told the solicitor her mom was dead. That wasn't exactly good because her credit card companies and what-not called up asking if she was indeed dead. I like to pretend I'm my dad when they call and get wicked on them. If I'm not in the mood, I just hang up.

One thing I really want to do, though it would work best with Jahovah's Witnesses, would be to answer the door naked saying I was relaxing though acting like nothing's up. "You guys like talking religion? Come on in. I'll put some coffee on. Put pants on? Hey, I was relaxing. You came to my house wanting to talk. Deal with it." It would work well with anyone, though.

Do any of you guys like messing with solicitors? Let's pool our ideas together for plenty of fun all around. biggrin.gif


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Phyllis
post May 25 2004, 07:31 AM
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Nah. I added my number to the do not call registry. tongue.gif Haven't had a telemarketer call in ages.

Although, because of my last name, I used to get people calling up and rambling to me in Spanish for a good 5 minutes. I'd just sit there...then when they paused for a breath I'd say, "I don't speak Spanish." I do, a little, but feh. I honestly hate how they just assume because our last name is Hispanic that we must not know English. dry.gif

Anyway, not that long ago, a Jehova's Witness guy showed up at our door. I was kind of stunned, because I actually didn't think that they still went door to door like that. Plus, he was old and he seemed nervous, so I just took his book and that was that. He just wanted to give me the book and leave...if he would have tried to stay and preach at me....we'd have a different story. I actually saw him come BACK a week later to go to my neighbor's place because they didn't answer the door before. Persistant guy.

Oh, and of course there's the subway preachers in NYC. I didn't ever get very good at sitting there and pretending I didn't see them and refusing to take their pamphlets.

I once saw a guy near 42nd street who was holding up a sign that said something like "492 different sexual positions." He was either selling a book or a video....I don't remember it got lost in the move laugh.gif Just kidding. That one made me laugh though....the guy had a big grin on his face. I wonder what sort of comments he got.

Anyway, I'll stop rambling now. It's late and I'm tired and I get chatty when I'm like this....obviously. Basically...I don't have enough guts to ever say anything funny to solicitors...and I often feel too bad for them to do so anyway. =/


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Pixelgoth
post May 25 2004, 09:49 AM
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When you say solicitors I assume you aren't talking about the legal kind who help you buy houses and divorce people?!? unsure.gif I think we have a different word for what you are talking about in the UK? Sorry but I'm old and my brain is all fuddled laugh.gif


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gothictheysay
post May 25 2004, 10:03 AM
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Yeah, I added all three of our phone numbers to the do not call list, but we still get them.

My father does insane things with them. It's hilarious. I can't remember all of them right now, but... "You can either have 24 issues for $29.95 or 12 issues for $14.99" "How about eighteen issues?" "I'm sorry but you can't order that" "well how much would that cost?" *noises of lady typing on calculator*

I'm usually mistaken for either my mother or someone over 18. I spent about five minutes chatting to a lady from Time magazine who was going to give me a free book until I had to tell her I was under 18. tongue.gif I think the funniest one was "May I speak to your husband?" Man, I was more drunk than I thought that night in Vegas...

I hate telling strangers my mother's dead five times every week, but it does set them a bit off course. Or, they can catch me when I'm half asleep.

"Is Stewart ------ available?"

"Ummmm...no..."

"How about Mrs. ---?"

"...Um...no..."


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Pab
post May 25 2004, 10:25 AM
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QUOTE (Pixiegoth @ May 25 2004, 11:48 AM)
When you say solicitors I assume you aren't talking about the legal kind who help you buy houses and divorce people?!? unsure.gif  I think we have a different word for what you are talking about in the UK?  Sorry but I'm old and my brain is all fuddled laugh.gif

thanks for that pixiegoth ... I just naturally assumed ri was on about lawyers phoning up households and asking if anybody wanted their services ... I don't know if it's a reflection of how sad the private sector has got in the states, or more likely, how cynical I have become ... but I didn't doubt for a minute that was what it was ... it won't take long ...

Simpsons extract:

Principal Skinner is walking by in the street, and pokes his head round the door of the office of that lawyer they've got ...

PS: Excuse me ... Do you know if there's a soda vending machine near-by?

Lawyer (pointing at half finished soda on table): No, but you can have this one for 50cents

PS (outraged): What kind of person do you think I am?! (leaves)

Lawyer: He'll be back ...


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Pixelgoth
post May 25 2004, 10:54 AM
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QUOTE (Pab @ May 25 2004, 10:24 AM)
thanks for that pixiegoth ... I just naturally assumed ri was on about lawyers phoning up households and asking if anybody wanted their services

Thought as much smile.gif I get unsolicited phone calls every day. Well I say that but what I mean is I get home, dial 1471 to see if anyone has phoned and it's always "You were called today at 2 or 3 or 4pm, we do not have the callers number..." I'm sure it's marketing. I hate it when you asnwer the phone and there is silence and you realise that it's going to be the bank asking you if you'd like a loan or new credit card or some company trying to sell you something you are obviously not going to want! rolleyes.gif

I have one company who keep phoning and asking for a Mrs Turner. I keep telling them she doesn't live here and never has and I don't need or want a new kitchen! dry.gif The spooky thing is is that Ed's surname is Mrs Turner so it could be that I'll get married in the future and they'll phone and there really will be a Mrs Turner there! ohmy.gif laugh.gif


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Marsyas
post May 25 2004, 02:47 PM
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*dusts of computer*

Wow...I haven't been here in a LONG time it seems.

We were added to a do not call list some time ago, but we just moved, so we've been getting a lot of telemarketers from Florida lately blink.gif

One that called a few days ago went a bit like this:

Me: Hello?
Her: Yes, is this the blah blah blah residence?
Me: *exasperated rolling of the eyes* Yes
Her: Is Mrs. Blah blah blah there?
Me: No she isn't, sorry.
Her: Oh...well then, is Mr. Blah blah blah there?
Me: *lighthearted chuckling* Ah...hahah...he's dead.
Her: *sounds something like this, and maybe even looks like ohmy.gif* Oh...oh my goodness I didn't know I'm so sorry thank you for your time goodbye!

*hangs up*

Good times with them, they really are.


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{Gothic Angel}
post May 25 2004, 03:27 PM
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I was watching a film with my little sister. I cant remember the specific details but there was a guy and a lawyer

The lawyer goes "I'm also a trust lawyer, you can trust me with anything. Anything at all you want to talk about."

My ickle sis yells out "You cant trust lawyers!"

biggrin.gif im so proud of her


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TigerLily013
post May 25 2004, 07:13 PM
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Usually telemarketers like to call my number (seperate system) and I've rattled off fake information before but I heard some good ones from OCR:

First one is a mimicing kind of thing. When they call you up just say "please hold, a representative will be with you shortly" they blare some god awful music like rap or something annoying and repetitive into the phone, and every few minutes come back and say "Your call is important to us, please stay on the line. The guy who tolld this story on OCR said he had the lady on for 30 minutes before shes like "where is this f*cking idiot?!" which at that point the guy halted the music and came back on the hone replying "Hey lady, you should know of all people to be polite. Good bye!" and he hung up on her lol.

Another suggestion someone said on OCR that was put on a porno on your tv or computer and turn it up REALLY loud and put the phone to it. Chances are tyhey will hang up instantly!

I had A couple in mind as well.

Using a voice warper of some sort. With me its on my computer and i have an option of sounding like possessed or like a god. I would use the god voice at one point, putting the phone to the speakers and be like "thou shall not call to sell me lawnchairs! BEGONE!" then if they do not hang up before you you do it to them.

Also, if you just wanna be stupid, answer the phone while you are in the washroom taking a big, juicy dump. Or pretend, and be very loud and obscene sounding Also sounding like you're having sex would do it.

Another idea is for the ones who come to your door. I would team up with my boyfriend to do this. He'd answer the door with like his boxers on and he'd talk in a very think stereotypical southern accent. Then at one point he'd call me to the door, I'd wear only and apron on holding a supposed dead animal by the tail. At some point while we confur with the sellers, Jonathan and I get in this fight then start making out all gross-like and shit in front of them. By then, those people will be running like hell from the house. laugh.gif


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Aislinn Faye
post May 26 2004, 12:46 AM
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Heh.. My ex's step dad loves messing with solicitors and we were having dinner and they called.. and he said "Hey.. we're lighting the manora (jewish thing I can't spell)" and went on a little about the Jewish holiday and how wrong it was to call. I thought it was hilarious because for a while his family thought I was Jewish because I don't have a christmas tree and I don't eat ham. It was an ongoing joke that I was Jewish, because his mom asked Matt "Is she Jewish?" when I left the house but his brother killed the joke.

Me personally, I like to pretend that I'm cooking and there's a fire in the kitchen and start freaking out, or pretend I'm pregnant and my water broke.

What's funny now though.. is they're like "This call is being recorded for your protection" kinda like the Cameras in wal-mart for our protection..yeah right. dry.gif


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sjbbandgeek
post May 26 2004, 12:50 AM
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There are lots of things you can do to have fun with telemarketers.
Such as...
Don't say anything until you know it is a telemarketer. Then act as if you called them. Use silly names. "Hello, I'm looking for a Jack Goff"
Explain to them the importance of soy sauce in your daily life.
Speak in pig latin.
Start raising and lowering the volume of your voice.
End a non-existant conversation and hang up. "And that is why my spoon was too big...""And those are the 234 ways to skin a cat..."
Order 20 of everything they sell under a friends name and address.
And finally, use a few of em at the same time.
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Twitching
post May 26 2004, 12:52 AM
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I'd like to answer a telemarketer and then go "Oh my god Johnny! Don't eat that!" really loudly, and then say "I'm sorry, my son just swallowed a snake, I have to go" and then hang up. laugh.gif

(Despite the fact that I don't have any children at all and won't for some years, if ever.)

I <3 the telemarketer scene in Good Omens.


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The Lorax
post May 26 2004, 01:04 AM
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Heh, my favorite thing to do is awnser the phone like Lil Jon....It sounds somthing like:

(for soundboard: http://www.milkandcookies.com/links/15215/ )

Person: "hello is this the _____ Residence?"
Me: "Whaaaaat?"
Person: "Is this the _____ Residence?"
Me: "Whaaaaat?"
Person: "Is Mr or Mrs ______ there?"
Me: "Yeeeeeaaaaahhhh!"
Person: "Could I speak to them please?"
Me: "Whaaaat?"
Person: "Would you please give them the phone?"
Me: "Whaaaaaaaaaaaaat?"
Person: *click*


---ahhh yes, good times...There was the time I actually sounded like I was having an orgasam on the phone...and it was a guy telemarketer....ahhh that was great...


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Righteous
post May 26 2004, 02:24 AM
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QUOTE (Aislinn Faye @ May 25 2004, 07:45 PM)
My ex's step dad loves messing with solicitors and we were having dinner and they called.. and he said "Hey.. we're lighting the manora (jewish thing I can't spell)" and went on a little about the Jewish holiday and how wrong it was to call.

The funny thing is, I can see Jeff doing that.

Talking in a high-pitched voice ould be fun, I'm sure. Or act like your drunk off your ass. You don't want to be mean to them; just mess with them in a humerous manner. Give them something to tell their buddies when they sit back and throw back some brews at the end of the day.

Or maybe I'm the only one who finds it funny when people humerously mess with me. Eh, well.


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DoRmAnt
post May 26 2004, 02:31 AM
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actually Jehovah's Witnesses AREN'T solicitors...

they are not asking you to buy anything which is what a solicitor is...someone who comes around door-to-door asking you to buy something.

Jehovah's Witnesses are just out there, doing their thing, voluntarily, and by voluntary contributions, i believe.



^just a little fact there laugh.gif


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Mata
post May 26 2004, 11:36 AM
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Funnily enough I just had a JW at my door. I answered my my dressing gown. The same way that I did when they knocked on my door about six months ago at ten o'clock on a Saturday morning. They gave me a magazine back then which I read for a giggle. I had lots of holes I could pick in it and if they had come back sooner I might've actually remembered something about it.

It's really not helped that the JW had a major speech impediment that I was having difficulty understanding. I just told her that I was a Taoist, I have my own ideas about the nature of God, that I'm very busy and bye-bye. That seemed to do the trick. If these people would call at a time that was actually convenient I might have a chat with them. I talked to a Mormon on the high street for over an hour and thoroughly enjoyed that.

I don't think we get solicitors phoning up in this country, we just get adverts on daytime TV ... 'Have you had a trip or fall anywhere? Were you just a bit too drunk to notice that lamp-post? If so then we can help!'


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Twitching
post May 26 2004, 11:36 AM
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Yes but they show up at your door at random and annoying moments, and people hide from them all the same.

(Or at least I do. Does anyone else see them coming and turn off all the lights and pretend not to be home?)

laugh.gif Besides, if they're really persistant about trying to convert you, it's as annoying as an actual solicitor.

I'd like to see someone tell a Jehovah's Witness that they already worship the devil and invite them in for a ritual goat sacraficing or something.


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gothictheysay
post May 26 2004, 12:26 PM
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QUOTE
I'd like to see someone tell a Jehovah's Witness that they already worship the devil and invite them in for a ritual goat sacraficing or something.


One hasn't come to our door, but by gods, I'd love to answer with an upside down cross on my forehead...there was a list I read somewhere of what to do with them "while they are talking to you, doodle satanic symbols on the pamphlets"

they really need to find a new technique..


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{Gothic Angel}
post May 26 2004, 02:05 PM
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My stepmum used to be a sales rep. A GOOD sales rep. She coaches them on their sales technique. 9 times out of 10 they are reading from a script and she can make them go through each sectio of it several times. tongue.gif

Personally I ask them if I can have some time to think about it, and if they could give me their home number so that i can get back to them later. When they refuse I ask whyand get them to admit that they would find it intrusive. Then I say "so dont do it to me" and put the phone down. Works wonders biggrin.gif


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mooooooooooopo
post May 26 2004, 04:25 PM
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QUOTE (DoRmAnt @ May 26 2004, 02:30 AM)
actually Jehovah's Witnesses AREN'T solicitors...

they are not asking you to buy anything which is what a solicitor is...someone who comes around door-to-door asking you to buy something.

Jehovah's Witnesses are just out there, doing their thing, voluntarily, and by voluntary contributions, i believe.

I thought it was because their religion says you get to Heaven by converting other people to the religion (which seems to me far to similar to saying the meaning of life is to have kids and create more life, recursive in a pointless (sorta) way)...maybe thats just me, I seem to pick up facts and never remember where I heard them from, so im most likely wrong here.


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Righteous
post May 26 2004, 04:56 PM
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QUOTE (DoRmAnt @ May 25 2004, 09:30 PM)
actually Jehovah's Witnesses AREN'T solicitors...

they are not asking you to buy anything which is what a solicitor is...someone who comes around door-to-door asking you to buy something.

Jehovah's Witnesses are just out there, doing their thing, voluntarily, and by voluntary contributions, i believe.



^just a little fact there laugh.gif

But they want something...your SOUL! laugh.gif

Solicitors or not, they annoy me when they come to the door. Look, if they want to enlighten me, that's great, but can it not be at twelve in the afternoon after I got in at six in the morning?

The phone ones are bad enough, too. When Trina comes by, I want to answer the phone and pretend we're having sex. We could jump around on the bed and she could call me Hellboy and scream things like "Teenagers were meant to f*ck!" while I'm talking to the person.


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DarkProtector
post May 26 2004, 05:51 PM
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Soliciters P*$$ me off so I feel that gives me credance to p*$$ the idiots off by acting insane and making them hang up on me *69ing them and bugging them.


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Raptor Red
post May 26 2004, 10:08 PM
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Say "No," over and over. Be sure to vary the sound of each no, and keep an even tempo even as they're trying to speak. This is the most fun if you can keep going until they hang up.


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gothictheysay
post May 26 2004, 11:20 PM
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Oh! If they ask for your mother or father, go "which one" in a hillbilly accent (Raptor red [taylor] and I and another friend made that up) do that even if they ask for them specifically by name. tongue.gif

edit: mellow.gif huh.gif happy.gif ohmy.gif wink.gif tongue.gif biggrin.gif laugh.gif cool.gif rolleyes.gif dry.gif wub.gif smile.gif wacko.gif blink.gif ph34r.gif evil.gif a friend of my little sister's wanted to see some the smilies, so here's a menagerie of them tongue.gif

This post has been edited by gothictheysay: May 26 2004, 11:24 PM


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mooooooooooopo
post May 27 2004, 01:10 AM
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Woah, keep the smileys seperate, they might breed or eat each other or something blink.gif

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