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Greeneyes
post Jun 6 2004, 07:42 PM
Post #1


The Key of Joy is disobedience.
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My dad forwarded me this email and I thought some of it was quite funny. Its instructions found on various things. I just wondered f anyone else had seen any. I like the ones about nuts, and especially the chainsaw one.

On a Sears hairdryer -- Do not use while sleeping.
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
On a bar of Dial soap -- "Directions: Use like regular soap."
On some Swanson frozen dinners -- "Serving suggestion: Defrost."
On Tesco's Tiramisu dessert (printed on bottom) -- "Do not turn upside down."
On Marks & Spencer Bread Pudding -- "Product will be hot after heating."
On packaging for a Rowenta iron -- "Do not iron clothes on body."
On Boot's Children's Cough ! Medicine -- "Do not drive a car or operate machinery after taking this medication."
On Nytol Sleep Aid -- "Warning: May cause drowsiness."
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
On a Japanese food processor -- "Not to be used for the other use."
On Sainsbury's peanuts -- "Warning: contains nuts."
On an American Airlines packet of nuts -- "Instructions: Open packet, eat nuts."
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."


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Sir Maxerpopple
post Jun 6 2004, 07:59 PM
Post #2


Is conformity, consumption, and obedience really that bad?
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I feel bad for the companies, because if they don't put these disclaimers and some idiot does something stupid they get sued.
QUOTE
On a child's Superman costume -- "Wearing of this garment does not enable you to fly."
Kid died from second floor window. Though what kid reads the warning label?
QUOTE
On a Swedish chainsaw -- "Do not attempt to stop chain with your hands or genitals."
I don't want to know.
QUOTE
On most brands of Christmas lights -- "For indoor or outdoor use only."
"Extra-dimensional use not recommended."
QUOTE
On a bag of Fritos -- You could be a winner! No purchase necessary. Details inside.
Obviously by Superman.


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gothictheysay
post Jun 6 2004, 08:55 PM
Post #3


living in your basement, eating your candy hearts
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I have a whole book. I think I have seen them all.

Posted in my suburb's swimming pool locker room: CAUTION: SLIPPERY WHEN WET


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{Gothic Angel}
post Jun 7 2004, 03:21 PM
Post #4


My direction
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On a knife: Warning, keep out of children

biggrin.gif


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Righteous
post Jun 7 2004, 03:37 PM
Post #5


Shut up, noob!
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On a folding stroller: Remove child before folding.
In a Winnabego owner's manuel: Do not leave drivers seat while cruise control is operating.

The reason they have these is for all the dipsh*ts that're stupid enough to do that stuff. The latter was done by some dude who, after turning on the cruise control, went in the back to make coffee and then crashed. He then had the balls to sue the Winnabego company.


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Greeneyes
post Jun 7 2004, 03:42 PM
Post #6


The Key of Joy is disobedience.
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QUOTE (Righteous @ Jun 7 2004, 04:37 PM)
On a folding stroller: Remove child before folding.
In a Winnabego owner's manuel: Do not leave drivers seat while cruise control is operating.

The reason they have these is for all the dipsh*ts that're stupid enough to do that stuff. The latter was done by some dude who, after turning on the cruise control, went in the back to make coffee and then crashed. He then had the balls to sue the Winnabego company.

I feel sorry for the chainsaw bloke.


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mooooooooooopo
post Jun 7 2004, 05:39 PM
Post #7


: P>
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My housemates bread maker had a few gems in the manual:

Do not drop the bread maker on people's heads.

Caution! When removing your bread from the bread maker it may be hot.


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Mazling
post Jun 7 2004, 06:02 PM
Post #8


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There's some great 1's on Luv Sacs...... Great warnings....

Warning: Failure to share the Luv Sac is extremely dangerous, and may result in injury or death.

Warning: Failure to clean the Luv Sac is extremely gross, and may somehow result in injury or death.

There's more I just can't remember them all, and I think those 2 above are pretty close, maybe one or two words off.


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Silver Star Ange...
post Jun 7 2004, 08:42 PM
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Stuff like this is for people without common sense. And the companies also use it to prevent lawsuits.

Why does soap need directions anyway? blink.gif


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Mazling
post Jun 7 2004, 09:14 PM
Post #10


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I needed soap-directions once...


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Mazle
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mooooooooooopo
post Jun 7 2004, 09:41 PM
Post #11


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QUOTE (Silver Star Angel of Da Towers @ Jun 7 2004, 09:42 PM)
Stuff like this is for people without common sense. And the companies also use it to prevent lawsuits.

Why does soap need directions anyway?  blink.gif

Yup, and seemingly for judges/legal people without common sense considering what people manage to sue for.


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Mr Fuzzy
post Jun 7 2004, 10:35 PM
Post #12


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As I understand the legal system (both US and UK) in relation to such cases what we need is for a judge to rule that the plaintiff in such a case to rule that the plaintiff has been a blistering idiot.

This would then allow for a blanket warning to be supplied with all products stating "Warning: Do not be a blistering idiot."

Oh, how I long for that day.


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Snugglebum the D...
post Jun 7 2004, 10:51 PM
Post #13


F*cking with the best since 1996
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What gets me is when you buy a packet of food, and it's got a picture of it on the front and in teeny letters down the bottom saying 'Serving Suggestion'. In most cases it just shows said food, on it's own, on a plate.


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Mr Fuzzy
post Jun 7 2004, 11:36 PM
Post #14


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Ah, but if they didn't do that some vile old harridan would try to make a claim against the company because her boil in the bag pus inexplicably didn't come with a garden fresh sprig of parsley, Royal Doulton plate, and silver cutlery.


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mooooooooooopo
post Jun 8 2004, 12:09 AM
Post #15


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Not to forget the table, and the bits of authentic victorian architecture that can be seen in the photo - all in the same sized box.


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kidvicious2punk
post Jun 8 2004, 12:32 AM
Post #16


word
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There was this comic and he was like talking about pop tart instructions..

I mean the directions should be like..toast the poptart

but somehow theress like 17 steps...

On a candle:Don not burn under trees

On a shoebox:Warning:contents not edible


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gothictheysay
post Jun 8 2004, 01:59 AM
Post #17


living in your basement, eating your candy hearts
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QUOTE
There was this comic and he was like talking about pop tart instructions..

I mean the directions should be like..toast the poptart


Oh my God I love that routine..."Remove covering from Pop-Tarts"...that was hilarious rolleyes.gif

Warning: Flame may cause fire (It damn well better!)


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nordelen
post Jun 8 2004, 01:41 PM
Post #18


the monitor lizzards are coming!
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the ciggie packet ones have some of the finest:

smoking causes cancer

smoking can cause a slow and painful death.

and so on.


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Spacehappy
post Jun 8 2004, 04:27 PM
Post #19


Matazone acolyte
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QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Jun 8 2004, 12:36 AM)
Ah, but if they didn't do that some vile old harridan would try to make a claim against the company because her boil in the bag pus inexplicably didn't come with a garden fresh sprig of parsley, Royal Doulton plate, and silver cutlery.

What you mean Harridan, damn i'd do it if i think i could win!. blink.gif
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Pab
post Jun 8 2004, 05:46 PM
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Has been kidnapped by gerbils and forced to post on here repeatedly
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Lisa Simpson, talking about a very 1950's style Malibu Stacy doll with 2 VERY pointy and large teutonic style boobs on:

"They had to discontinue this model when one boy poked both his eyes out" laugh.gif


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Righteous
post Jun 8 2004, 06:04 PM
Post #21


Shut up, noob!
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QUOTE (nordelen @ Jun 8 2004, 09:41 AM)
the ciggie packet ones have some of the finest:

smoking causes cancer

smoking can cause a slow and painful death.

and so on.

It says on the Goddamned box that it causes cancer and may complicate pregnancy and contains carbon monoxide, but people still have the figurative balls to sue over that? What in the Hell? Harmonie's brother-in-law isn't the brightest bulb in the house, but even he can comprehend that.

Sorry to get off topic, but whenever someone mentions that, I get pissed about the bastards who go suing. After all, if it says so on the box and it's taught in school, then why the Hell should you be suprised if you get sick?

The Surgeon General's warnings on booze are interesting too. "May complicate pregnancy," "Impair ability to drive and operate machinery," and "May cause health problems."


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gothictheysay
post Jun 8 2004, 06:10 PM
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living in your basement, eating your candy hearts
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Why does everyone think all the pregnant women are smoking and drinking anyway? Methinks they should opt for warnings that apply to everyone and not just pregnant women. Me, if I got pregnant, I'd either be extremely paranoid about what I was putting into my body or just say "forget it" and eat what I wanted. Christ, can pregnant women even take Tylenol, or will the baby get addicted to painkillers? Everything I read..."if you are pregnant consult your doctor" "can I eat cheerios? please don't hang up, doc...ibuprofen? is that better than the tylenol? how many can I take? peanut butter? MULTIVITAMINS? Am I giving my child brain damage?!?!"

Eh, to be more on topic...uh...

well sorry about the rant... blink.gif


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