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> I Need Some Opinions, For a kind of serious problem
acid_rain_child
post Jun 24 2004, 03:14 PM
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In light of new revelations in my household, I have become the most distrusted, low down creature in the family. Hurray for me. My trust with my father and step mother has been shattered into a million pieces, and it will take a great deal of time to glue those pieces back together.
We all had a sitdown last night that seemed like it took a good eternity, but it was really only 2 1/2 hours or so. We discussed me lying, me doing drugs, and just about everything that was the matter with me. The hardest part was when they decided they would go to the root of all my problems. They discovered that it was most likely my stap father who is making me act out and do drugs. What they said made a lot of sense, though I didn't agree with everything. It's the most horrible feeling when you realize that all this time you weren't in control of your actions or your thoughts, and that there was always some underlying reason and cause for everything that you do.

As my step mother put it, when I go to school every morning and smoke up before first period, it's because I'm thinking, "Okay, Ill just forget about him and about home, at least for a couple hours." I don't believe this, I think it's because I'm bored, and first period is Latin. I didn't learn a word of Latin all year, my teacher is insane, and I still got straight A's and a B on the final. But, I can't help but think my step mother is right. Maybe all the shit I've been doing is because I hate my family life, because I want some sort of attention. She pulled the, "Whether you want to admit it or not..." BS that always hits me hard, because then you really don't know who the hell is in charge of your thoughts or feelings or actions. Is it you, or is it the wounded person inside of you, laying in your subconsciousness?

Anyway, after making me feel like shit and watching me cry out all my hate and frustration on the couch while they sat and frowned in distaste, they asked me if I wanted to move in with them. No, I don't want to move in with my father. I love my mother more than anything else in the world, as a parent and as a friend and as a savior. Sometimes, I think she really needs me, and sometimes I think it's the other way around. In some ways, we're both in that house, grasping on to eachother to protect one another, wincing and crying in sync. I'd rather be with my mother, the only person I respect and love in this place, AND my step father, the only person I hate. And I don't use hate a lot, I know the severity of the word and I know what it means to say "I hate you", and I can truly say I hate my step father. I would rather suffer in my own house with my mother, protecting her while she protects me, then live with my father and my stepmother, both of which I have no respect. I disagree with a lot of things both my step mother and my father hold as high moral, I don't respect either of them as people. I love them both, but there is no respect, and that's what I really need, and what I admire most about my mother. But they think it would be the best for ME to move in with them, away from my step father, away from the source of all my hate and disfunction. But I don't know what to do! Should I move away from my mother? Surely this would tear me apart, and send me into a deeper depression. Not only would I leave my mother, but I'd leave my friends, the only other people I trust. Or should I stay with my mother, and also with my step father, who eats away at my sanity every moment I'm in the house? I've been having suicidal thoughts, and have cut myself some in the last few months, but I was never serious about it, I never actually wanted to die. I just liked to think about it, to feel pain, and then go to sleep. I always woke up, and a lot of times I was disappointed. I'm confused and I don't know what to do. If I left home would I become more suicidal? It's too early to call my friends and ask them, and it's been bothering me horribly so I decided to post about it.

What do you think I should do? Both choices are bad for me, but which is the lesser evil?


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Mata
post Jun 24 2004, 03:54 PM
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That's not a question that's easy to answer. If it's not impossible, how about trying living with your dad and stepmother for a couple of months to see how it goes?

I know you'll miss living with your mother, but maybe it would be worth it to get away from your stepfather. It might also help your mother to get perspective on how she feels about him and his impact on you... Bear in mind that I don't really know your family situation, so I don't know if this would work.

Essentially I'm suggesting this because it sounds like things aren't working for you the way that they are at the moment. We only have one life to live (as far as we know) and so it's worth trying out the options to see if something else works better. You could always go back in a few months if it doesn't work, and even if you did go back you'd be returning with greater perspective on the situation.

*hugs*


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acid_rain_child
post Jun 24 2004, 04:17 PM
Post #3


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I don't even feel I could leave for a few months. Leaving what you've built and what you have to try to start over is hard, and it's more than I think I could deal with.

My mother is a coward in a lot of ways, which is one of the reasons I feel I should stay, if not for anything more than her safety. My mother wants to leave, but she can't. She says it's because of my brother, but I know the truth. She'd be helpless without a husband. She needs some kind of security, some kind of assurance that someone will come home every night and sleep next to her. She'd also be shunned by her own family for having two bastard children and no fathers. Her own demons are keeping her back. She wouldn't get a new perspective if I left. In fact, I'm afraid she'd start to trust my step father again, which is dangerous, because I know he's always a bomb, ready to be set off. She may be fooled after I'm gone that he somehow changed.

Another thing that bothers me is living without her only two rooms away, but my stepmother points out that if I moved in with them, she'd be a phone call and 40 minutes away. Maybe that wouldn't be so bad. What if they wouldn't want me back after a couple months?


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Righteous
post Jun 24 2004, 04:24 PM
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Shut up, noob!
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This is a heavy decision for anyone to make and it sucks that someone your age has to. I'll keep you in my prayers. If ever you need someone, you have my number and I have yours. I know I'm far away, but I'll be here for you. Call me whenever, even at three in the morning, which has happened on a few occasions.

Be strong and keep a clear head. We're here for you.


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froggle-rock
post Jun 24 2004, 06:52 PM
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Acid Rain Child,

Dont think I dont care becasue my reply is so short.

flip a coin, and make the decision to stick to whichever side it falls on. whilst its spinning, I gaurentee you'll be wishing it falls on a certain side. that certain side will be the one u want.

it always works for me.

hope this helps


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porcelainwarrior
post Jun 24 2004, 06:53 PM
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I agree with mata, but I know it's hard. It's easy for us to say the logical thing when it's not happening to us, you have a whole range of emotions attached to the situation.

You said you want to stay with your mother because you don't think she can stand up for and protect herself. But in a way have you considered that you might be allowing hr to perpetuate this kind of behaviour by staying, by protecting her and allowing her to rely on you for safety? At the end of the day no matter how much you want to help you have to move on and have your own, selfulfilling life one day and if your mum can't live without a husband then there isn't much chance of her leaving this individual when she feels even marginally safe.

It's just my tuppence worth. I advise you make it clear to your mum that you can't be there forever (at the least) and seriously consider moving in with your dad, even temporarily after that. If your mum realises she is at risk of losing her son because of this man she is probably going to think long and hard about how much the relationship truly means to her.

I hope everything goes ok, and I'll be thinking of you.


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acid_rain_child
post Jun 24 2004, 07:14 PM
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I never did think of it that way, and it kind of scares me. But it's not only that she the relies on me, but I rely on her for guidance and advice as well.

I've been sitting here at my desk, chewing on my decisions and choices, reading Macbeth. I don't think reading a story about murder and insanity is in my best interest right now. I think that moving in with my father for a couple months would make a lot of sense, but that scares me witless. I don't want to leave what I've already created for myself. And the home that I would move to would drive me mad, because I can-not have parents that I distrust and disrespect. How could they control me any better than the other set? At least where I am I have a balance of emotions, but if I were to live with my father, there's no telling what I would turn out like. My father is such a distinctly different person from my stepfather-- he doesn't believe in yelling, he thinks children should have opinions, he doesn't nit pick at imperfections, and he would never be physically abusive. But that's what I'm used to. It's almost like I'm afraid of the change, and I don't want to leave the "comfort" of routine. Gah, I've gotta go think again.


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And if it takes sh*t to make bliss,
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Aislinn Faye
post Jun 24 2004, 08:29 PM
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My father sounds alot like your father.. and my mother sounds alot like your step dad, and my step sister sounds alot like your mom. To put it in perspective to me. I lived with my father for a very long time, from 4th to 9th, but then he read my journal and found that I was doing drugs and having sex at a very young age. 14 to be exact. I went to live in my mother's abusive home, then with my dad, and back with my mom. And having felt one extreme to the other has made me realize some things about myself, and has overall made me a much stronger person... so I agree that you should live with your dad, even for a few months. I'm sure it will help you clear your head and what-not. If your mother is a dependent person, then more than likely she will stay that way. The only thing (I think) you could do is have a hardcore talk with her, be completely honest and leave nothing out, however much it hurts you or her to tell her. And if you guys have a bond as close are you say, she will take your words into heart. I don't really know what else much to say, but Ri really is a good listening, you have no clue how many times I've calmed him up, ranting, crying, pouting, every emotion you could think of.


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Aislinn Faye
post Jun 24 2004, 08:44 PM
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After reading your reply in bad parenting. Well.. I'm not saying you should do this, but I've done it, and taken a few bruises for voicing my thoughts to males older and stronger than me. My brother who is 21, beats up on me when I don't back down, or he did. The first time I stood up to him a couple of months ago I got thrown into a wall. I told him that if he ever laid a hand on me again, I would call the police I didn't care if he was my brother or not. even if you don't completely stand up to your step dad, you should make eye contact with him, and always hold your head high around people you're afraid of. They'll get the message, and sense that there's something different about you. I've went toe-to-toe with my mother before, but she's never had the gull the hit me, because she knows that I'll stand there and take the beating, and call the law, and have her baker acted. If someone knows you're not afraid to get the law involved, or just not afraid in general they usually back down. You've got such a beautiful mind, so many opinions, and one thing that really made me stand up is Candice's title "Speak your mind/opinion (forgot) even if your voice shakes." No one should cut you down, or belittle you. Esp someone as young (not too much younger than me, I sound like an old lady tongue.gif ) and smart as you. And if you're so unhappy as to where you do drugs, your stepfather has already won. Don't let him destroy you through you. Start small with showing that you have no fear, even if you feel like your heart is about to brust. Or not...I dunno. I feel like this is kinda an aggressive post.


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acid_rain_child
post Jun 24 2004, 08:44 PM
Post #10


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That's kinda ironic. One of the reasons I've found myself respecting my father less (apart from him being a total ambitionless and useless) is because he's stolen my diary. I think that taking someone's diary is one of the worst things you could possibly do. I don't care if I found out my 12 year old daughter was a crack whore, selling herself to 40 year old married men, I wouldn't read her diary. Anyway, I admitted to him everything I've ever done: Pot, pills, cigarettes, some other meds... I'm not a heroin addict or anthing, hell, I'm still a virgin. But he's reading it anyway, which hurts because it shows just how much he doesn't trust me.

What should I talk to my mother about? I've told her everything over the past years, there's hardly anything she doesn't know. Everything else goes in my diary. She knows how much I hate my step father, she knows about me doing drugs and acting out. I literally went up to her a week before the last day of school and said, "I'm going to skip and have a good time with some friends. Just thought you should know." I've even told her that I think she's a coward, that she's hiding from herself, and she agrees. I'll still talk to her though, she called about an hour ago, but we couldn't talk long.

I think I'm going to start considering moving in with my father, as it seems to be the consensus among you all. My friends, on the other hand, think I should do what I want to do, because I know what's best. But do I really? I think I'd just chose the way that's easier. Moving out may be hard, but better in the long run. Jeez...


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"As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes sh*t to make bliss,
Well I feel pretty blissfully."
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beleraphon
post Jun 24 2004, 08:54 PM
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Are you in the UK, USA or somewhere else?

Sounds like you could use some professinal advice, and if you are Uk then try either the samaritans or childline (if you are 18 or under) they can help you make the right decision for you.

I'm sure if you look in a phone directory other countries have similar advice agencies.
All the very best.

bel.


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Aislinn Faye
post Jun 24 2004, 08:55 PM
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Whoa, that is ironic. We should start a club. tongue.gif With your mom, I would tell her not only her dependency flaw, but also, come up with a way to help your mom grow out of it. She more than likely has low self esteem. To get your boosted up, take her to a spa, or if you don't have the money, have a girl's bathroom day, where you give eachother manicures and pedicures, do facials, and make-overs. Tell her she's beautiful, that she could have any man she wanted with those legs, so why be with someone who -=point out the long list of Eddie flaws=-. Ask he what she really sees in him. Get inside her head and use that to your advantage.


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acid_rain_child
post Jun 24 2004, 09:12 PM
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*hugs Aislinn* Man, I'm all for the club idea.

If my mother even owned more than concealer, I would have a bathroom day with her, but she's not into poofy stuff like that. It's more like us to go to a diner called Double T and talk until we get sick of feeling sorry for ourselves. It actually sounds like a plan, I think I'm going to request we have a little pancake session.

I lied, I think. I have stood up for before my stepfather. Like you, I've been told that my opinion means nothing so long as I'm in *his* household (SOB makes half of what my mother does, and barely makes it to pay the bills he's supposed to. WTF does he do with the rest of his moeny?) and I've been grabbed and shaken and had quite a few shoes thrown at my head. He knows though that if he ever really laid a hand on me my mother would have him and all his sh*t out on the street in an instant. I've fantasized about making him so mad he'd hit me... I've even thought of calling the police on his pothead ass, just to have them bust him and take him to jail where he belongs. My mother doesn't think this is such a good idea.
I have to go to a party with some yuppy parents (the second time in a week) so I'll have some time to think some more. Thanks to every one who's posted so far, it's nice to have support smile.gif
I will check out some of those hotlines, btw.


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"As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes sh*t to make bliss,
Well I feel pretty blissfully."
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Aislinn Faye
post Jun 24 2004, 09:19 PM
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-=hugs=- aww. Yeah, don't let anyone rush you into a decision. And this is kinda off topic, but I envy the relationship you have with your mom, you guys can talk about anything, that's so cool.


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Mata
post Jun 24 2004, 11:34 PM
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Of course the decision is entirely yours, and you have to do what you feel is right in the end, but I think a change might be worth trying. You say that you have built a life, but I think that this might be a chance to build on that.

If you lost trust in your father when he read your journal I can understand that, but that doesn't mean that he doesn't want the best for you (that was probably his reason for reading it in the first place). It's difficult for any of us to understand what others are feeling, he shouldn't have done it, but it sounds like he is a far better person than your stepfather, so maybe you should give him a chance.

Change can be scary, but it happens all the time in our lives. Eventually there will come a time in the next few years when you will be leaving that home anyway, and your mother is going to have to face up to her situation. It's most likely better that this happens now when you will still be relatively close than in the future when potentially you could be a lot further away.

It's up to you, and without knowing more I wouldn't want to say that one way is definitely for the best, but going on what you've said it sounds like giving your father's house a try would be a good move.

If you're interested in confidential and free support phonelines here's some info for you...

In the UK we have Childline for anyone who is under 18 and in stressful/dangerous situations. They're always good if you need help:

Childline UK number 0800 1111
http://www.childline.org.uk/

In the US there doesn't seem to be a single number, but there is a vast range of more specialised support services, it looks like the Girls and Boys Town organisation runs a very good service that covers anything affecting the lives of young people:

Call With any Problem, Anytime
1-800-448-3000 (TDD 1-800-448-1833)
Open 24 hours a day, everyday
http://www.girlsandboystown.org/hotline/index.asp

These numbers are both completely free to call from the country and are both to trained professionals who want to help young people who are unhappy with their situations.

I'm not sure about in the US line, but I'm fairly sure that the Childline number doesn't show up on phone bills.

'Hope this helps.


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acid_rain_child
post Jun 25 2004, 01:47 PM
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Vive y Deja Vivir
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Last night, I was expecting to stay awake all night looking at the ceiling and pondering the outcome of my life for hours. It didn't work quite like that, it turned out like every other time I try to think about my problems: I evaluate my situation, and realize I'm a pussy for even thinking it a problem in the first place. I always think, at least no one's raping me, at least I don't live in a loft with my addict parents shaking on the floor. In fact, an insufferable stepfather should be the least of my worries--who doesn't hate their parents? But I stopped all that because I began to think if I have to keep resorting to calling myself a pussy for considering something a problem, then maybe it is a problem after all. In fact, it's a big problem. I hate going home, I hate being confined to my room, I hate being alone, I hate hating someone. It makes me miserable, and that's not how I want it to be. The only way I'm going to stop this is by making some kind of change. Even if it's only for a couple of months.

First, I'm going to call a hotline and discuss it with them. I'm sure they'll agree with all of you that I need to go, if not just to clear my head. Then, I'm going to tell my mother, then I'm going to tell my friends. Then Ri, I might just call you tongue.gif I really appreciate everyone putting in their two cents. This isn't the end all and be all of my problems (my stepmother wants to get me some psychologist I think). Apparently (unbeknownst to me) I have deep anger issues, and I need to work out the suicidal stuff too. Jeez, and the drug use, and all my trust issues. I'm going to go think some more, but it all sounds like a plan to me. You guys makes everything make sense, especially when you're mad and frustrated. Thanks smile.gif

*Hugs everyone*


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"As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes sh*t to make bliss,
Well I feel pretty blissfully."
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beleraphon
post Jun 27 2004, 06:46 PM
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Has too much time on their hands
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Good luck, will name a light for you.
b.


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TigerLily013
post Jun 27 2004, 08:07 PM
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Hope everything works out for you. *hugs*


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Silver Star Ange...
post Jun 27 2004, 11:20 PM
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I don't think I can provide much help, considering the fact that I am very slow. But I think you should follow your heart. And if you need anything, do ask me. *hugs and hands you cake*


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Mata
post Jun 28 2004, 12:50 AM
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It sounds like you're beginning to work out ways to take control of your own life, and that's always a good thing. Best wishes with it all!


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Aislinn Faye
post Jul 1 2004, 05:22 PM
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I hope everything is going good for you. Whatever you do, don't get scared. And if you feel like you need support from someone where you live, you can always talk to your guidance person. They can't tell anyone anything you say unless it's suicidal or homicidal (sp). Once, when my grades were slipping and I was crying alot at school.. I got called out of class to talk to this lady from like a child service thing. And no one ever knew anything about it, 'cept for the guidance lady.
-=hugs=- smile.gif


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acid_rain_child
post Jul 1 2004, 05:47 PM
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Actually, I talked to a lot of people. First I called the hotline lady from girls and boys club or whatever. She helped a lot, and put things in realistic perspective. She told me that I should also call poison control to talk about the effects of all the pills I've taken. I thought that was a bit rash, but I called anyway. The conversation went like this:

Me: Hi, I was told to call in order to find out how harmful the pills I've been popping have been on me.

(he asked me who told me to call, and whether or not the prescriptions were mine)

Me: No... they weren't mine... that's why I had to pop them (I thought he was sort of silly for asking that). They're prescriptions for my friends who would sell them.

Man: Okay, so how old are you?

Me: 14.

Man: And you took them to... get high?

Me: Yes.

Man: And you're 14?

Me: Yes.

He couldn't get over it. He later told me he wasn't judging, but sighed, and I knew he was ashamed to live in the same country with people like me. I didn't even get halfway down the list of stuff I'd done. First, I said Adderall, which he said was speed (which I knew) and that in high enough doses it could make me psychotic, but I think that's just straight speed, not 60-80 mg of Adderall. It still scared me. Then he told me Percocet was highly addictive and damaging to my brain (which, he said, was still developing. He told me that brains develope until your early 20's). I asked him about the Ritalin and the all other crap I'd ingested, but he was anxious to get me off the line, so I only learned about the Percocets and Adderall.

Then I called my mom, which was bad. Turns out my stepmother called her and told her my decision to live with them. My stepmother is very happy to have me. I think I'm literally the daughter she'll never have, and I think she's lonely sometimes. I asked my mother how she felt about it. She said, "I hate my husband more than ever now, for sending my daughter away," and after about 30 seconds of silence I said, "I won't be gone forever." When she spoke, I realized she had been crying and said she had to go. I hate hearing my mother cry. That made me cry, which made my stepmother check in on me, which made me lie to her again and say that everything was fine. I just said my mother hadn't taken the news very well.

But since then, everything has been pretty smooth. My father still doesn't understand that I don't want to show him any love, I don't want to be his friend, I don't want to be around him in general. The same goes for my stepmother, but how do you tell a person something like that. They think I'm being melodramatic, and I hate being melodramatic, so I'm trying to pretend to go with the flow and be happy about conditions.


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"As life gets longer, awful feels softer,
Well it feels pretty soft to me.
And if it takes sh*t to make bliss,
Well I feel pretty blissfully."
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porcelainwarrior
post Jul 1 2004, 08:44 PM
Post #23


not forgotten
************

Group: Established Members
Posts: 1,874
Joined: 24-May 03
From: Fife, Scotland
Member No.: 323
Gender: Female



Just wanted to say I think you're being really brave and positive about all of this. It wasn't an easy thing to do but you've gone ahead and even if this doesn't work out at least you know now right? It's better to have tried everything instead of still living with the problems you have now in ten or twenty years and wondering if this would have made a difference.

*much hugs*


--------------------
Little solace comes to those who grieve
When thoughts keep drifting
As walls keep shifting
And this great blue world of ours
Seems a
house of leaves
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Aislinn Faye
post Jul 2 2004, 06:54 PM
Post #24


My cute little Aislinn!
**********

Group: Established Members
Posts: 849
Joined: 17-May 04
From: Yulee, Florida.
Member No.: 1,123
Gender: Female



Hey hey.. good going.. the guy on the phone sounds like a weirdo.. maybe you should have called a drug line instead.. I betcha they deal with that alot.. beings they're a drug hotline. And on the brighter side of your mom's reaction, maybe this will be the motivation she needs to leave him. -=hugs=- I know it took alot of guts.. but I think your step mom should have told you she was going to tell you mom.


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"I can kill catering with a thought!" - Darth Vader
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