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> Tell Me Your Problems!, And I'll make fun of you. Or help you.
Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 12:22 AM
Post #1


Took this grammar!
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I figured since Jonman is partially gone that someone should pick up his slack. And then I thought, well if no one else is going to do it, I might as well. So. Write to me and I'll either help you or mock you, depending on the situation.


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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LoLo
post Apr 25 2003, 12:24 AM
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Dear Jaq,

Is it odd that my best friend and I are having an anniversary party to celebrate meeting in August 10 years ago?

Sincerely,

LoLo


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Free Psycho
post Apr 25 2003, 12:25 AM
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Dear Aunt Jaq,

Why don't dogs feel ashamed to hump in front of people? And how is it they have such great balance with two little feet and people do not?

Sincerely,

Grossed out


--------------------
Cheese is my husband and I love him muchly! (attacks with kisses)
Hinsley-the first bi-straight marriage and first forum divorce.
Forum affiliation positions: Governor of the Ejits, Grand Princess of ISH, official Elf-Wizard of the Snuffleburger Death Cult, Queen over all Misfit Dolls
I am death grip barbie-BEWARE. My animal spirit is a mermaid.
I have been entrusted to take care of Jennifer the vodka imp, although I wasn't aware of it until just now...I was beginning to wonder why she was following me...
I am Leopold's minion, so bugger off! I mean...quack? Sir Psycho Sexy is my minion and Wolfbane is my anti-minion.
Crissi, Crazi, and LDP are my e-sisters! iamtootiredyyyy is my little e-brother! Missy is my e-twin. We were seperated at birth. (whispers) She's the evil one. And Raven343 is my witchy god-mother! (chokes on not-so-faerie-dust)
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 12:26 AM
Post #4


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 25 2003, 01:24 AM)
Dear Jaq,

Is it odd that my best friend and I are having an anniversary party to celebrate meeting in August 10 years ago?

Sincerely,

LoLo

LoLo:

Do you think it's odd? It you and your friemd have a lovely friendship and you both think it's cool to have an anniversary party, then why not? A ten year friendship is longer than alot of marriages I know of. Go for it. Have fun, get drunk and take pictures. Then look at them the next day and be embarrased.

Jaq


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Free Psycho
post Apr 25 2003, 12:26 AM
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QUOTE (LoLo @ Apr 24 2003, 08:24 PM)
Dear Jaq,

Is it odd that my best friend and I are having an anniversary party to celebrate meeting in August 10 years ago?

Sincerely,

LoLo

(LOL-my friend in 4th grade used to do that every month...I thought it was odd and cumbersome. But not if you knew the person 10 years biggrin.gif )


--------------------
Cheese is my husband and I love him muchly! (attacks with kisses)
Hinsley-the first bi-straight marriage and first forum divorce.
Forum affiliation positions: Governor of the Ejits, Grand Princess of ISH, official Elf-Wizard of the Snuffleburger Death Cult, Queen over all Misfit Dolls
I am death grip barbie-BEWARE. My animal spirit is a mermaid.
I have been entrusted to take care of Jennifer the vodka imp, although I wasn't aware of it until just now...I was beginning to wonder why she was following me...
I am Leopold's minion, so bugger off! I mean...quack? Sir Psycho Sexy is my minion and Wolfbane is my anti-minion.
Crissi, Crazi, and LDP are my e-sisters! iamtootiredyyyy is my little e-brother! Missy is my e-twin. We were seperated at birth. (whispers) She's the evil one. And Raven343 is my witchy god-mother! (chokes on not-so-faerie-dust)
user posted imageuser posted image user posted image <--(Look that's me!) Free Psyduck!! Quuuuuaaaaccckkkk!!!
[sig chopped for being HUGE! Please trim it - Mata]
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gerbilfromhell
post Apr 25 2003, 12:27 AM
Post #6


Remorseless posting machine
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Dear jaq,
help. i love the forum, but i feel that if i stay here for one more minute, my computer will explode and i will start halucinating and get eaten by a flying gorrila. i am also glued to my chair what should i do?
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Industrial Kybos...
post Apr 25 2003, 12:29 AM
Post #7


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Dear Auntie Jaqster,

I want to support your new thread venture, but cannot think of a damn thing to post.

What should I do, short of spamming like a fool?

Yours majestically,

Drunk And Uninspired


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racingaway13
post Apr 25 2003, 12:30 AM
Post #8


theres a chance im dead... 25 a poke!
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dear auntie jaq
i have no school spirit whatsoever... is this even a problem?
sincerely
indifferent


--------------------
"An eye for an eye leaves the whole world blind" Gahndi
caffine is truely good for you *starts twitching uncontrollably*
this sig is best viewed using notepad...i do this because no one wants to read my stupid crap

ok so on to the party affiliations....
i now have a noob!!! yay! zoey yay! you came to the forums! hehehe, and im one step up, i already know her! go zoey go! be anti-social in a social setting!i have an e-sister!!! yay!!! go raven!!! i used to be married to ninja kitty but she abandoned me so now my e-wife is kawaii neko who is hot and sexy. rawr
i have no anti noob, PM me for anti adoption possiabilities i have no life, PM me for donations
i do in fact have a vodka imp!! YAY!! shes called yodel and lives in my computer case
i do in fact also have cult of my own, its the -ness cult so join so that we can spite those -ish barbarians
i have a acid bunny that gives me trips and trips to las vegas... his name is Dr Gonzo and i need to rent a convertable...
i am a proud member of the mr SB death cult and i have the smitemaster to prove it
i have seized craziness as a minion, i dont care what she grumbles and such, i seized her and i dont see anything in the geneva convention otherwise
im writing alot now, so be happy you know alot about what great humanitarian efforts i have made in this forum!
also, go to My blog
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 12:31 AM
Post #9


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 25 2003, 01:25 AM)
Dear Aunt Jaq,

Why don't dogs feel ashamed to hump in front of people? And how is it they have such great balance with two little feet and people do not?

Sincerely,

Grossed out

Dear Grossed Out:

Dogs have something that I would be happy to have. No sense of shame. I think everyone would be alot happier if they didn't have any shame. I know I would. But if the doggy lurve is getting on your nerves just leave the room and let your four legged "friends" have their privacy. On a more serious note, dogs often hump when they're bored. Play ball with them or at least lock them in their crates. Everyone will be happier.

Yours Jaq


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Smallsam
post Apr 25 2003, 12:31 AM
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Love me?
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Dear Jaq:

My brother keeps downloading porn, and it slows down my computer and it creeps me out hardcore. Soon I'll just be sitting in a corner rocking back and forth at the thought of my brother doing *things* and being computerless because we get all these freaky weird porn viruses and my computer crashes. Should I kill my brother to protect the sanctity of my computer? Or just castrate him?

~Me.
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 12:32 AM
Post #11


Took this grammar!
************

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From: Saskatoon
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Gender: Female



QUOTE (gerbilfromhell @ Apr 25 2003, 01:27 AM)
Dear jaq,
help. i love the forum, but i feel that if i stay here for one more minute, my computer will explode and i will start halucinating and get eaten by a flying gorrila. i am also glued to my chair what should i do?

I say stay on the forum longer. If your fears do come true we'll all have a good show. If they don't come true, we'll still get to read more of your posting madness. Either way you're stuck to that chair. I think you'll be staying.
Hope that helped
Jaq


--------------------
Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Free Psycho
post Apr 25 2003, 12:33 AM
Post #12


Goddess of all-behold and worship
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QUOTE (Jaq @ Apr 24 2003, 08:31 PM)
QUOTE (Free Psycho @ Apr 25 2003, 01:25 AM)
Dear Aunt Jaq,

Why don't dogs feel ashamed to hump in front of people?  And how is it they have such great balance with two little feet and people do not?

Sincerely,

Grossed out

Dear Grossed Out:

Dogs have something that I would be happy to have. No sense of shame. I think everyone would be alot happier if they didn't have any shame. I know I would. But if the doggy lurve is getting on your nerves just leave the room and let your four legged "friends" have their privacy. On a more serious note, dogs often hump when they're bored. Play ball with them or at least lock them in their crates. Everyone will be happier.

Yours Jaq

LMAO-thanks, but it would be more likely to see me cutting up the dogs and putting them in a stew then playing with them. sad.gif laugh.gif dry.gif mad.gif blink.gif


--------------------
Cheese is my husband and I love him muchly! (attacks with kisses)
Hinsley-the first bi-straight marriage and first forum divorce.
Forum affiliation positions: Governor of the Ejits, Grand Princess of ISH, official Elf-Wizard of the Snuffleburger Death Cult, Queen over all Misfit Dolls
I am death grip barbie-BEWARE. My animal spirit is a mermaid.
I have been entrusted to take care of Jennifer the vodka imp, although I wasn't aware of it until just now...I was beginning to wonder why she was following me...
I am Leopold's minion, so bugger off! I mean...quack? Sir Psycho Sexy is my minion and Wolfbane is my anti-minion.
Crissi, Crazi, and LDP are my e-sisters! iamtootiredyyyy is my little e-brother! Missy is my e-twin. We were seperated at birth. (whispers) She's the evil one. And Raven343 is my witchy god-mother! (chokes on not-so-faerie-dust)
user posted imageuser posted image user posted image <--(Look that's me!) Free Psyduck!! Quuuuuaaaaccckkkk!!!
[sig chopped for being HUGE! Please trim it - Mata]
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 12:35 AM
Post #13


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (Industrial Kybosh @ Apr 25 2003, 01:29 AM)
Dear Auntie Jaqster,

I want to support your new thread venture, but cannot think of a damn thing to post.

What should I do, short of spamming like a fool?

Yours majestically,

Drunk And Uninspired

InKy:

I admire your tenacity. If only everyone could take a little part of InKy....er...he wouldn't have much left for himself and probably have to take a quick trip to the hospital...okay...bad analogy. I only everyone could take a page from InKy's book, then no one could read it and InKy wouldn't have much of a book left. Why is it so many analogies are so very violent and cruel? I think I'll go and cry now.

Yours in Despair
Auntie Jaq


--------------------
Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Debaser
post Apr 25 2003, 12:35 AM
Post #14


Steadily spiralling into the abyss
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dear jaq,

i know this dog. it hates me. am i justified in selling it?

sincerely,
needs the money


--------------------
6:30pm
How Much Do You Reckon This Food Processor's Worth? Well? How Much Is It Worth? Come On. For F--k's Sake Just Hazard A Guess You Half-Witted Proletarian S--t - We Haven't Got All F--king Day. This Is A Game Show, Not A F--king Waiting Room. Now Spit Your F--king Answer Out Or I'll Kick You All The Way Back To Whichever P--s-Streaked Council Estate You Crawled From, So You Can Hatch The Rest Of Your Futureless Offspring In Empty-Handed Misery. Now Answer Me, C--T.

Explicitly confrontational version of The Price Is Right.

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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 12:41 AM
Post #15


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (racingaway13 @ Apr 25 2003, 01:30 AM)
dear auntie jaq
i have no school spirit whatsoever... is this even a problem?
sincerely
indifferent

RAcingaway13:

Absolutely not! In fact you should revel in your lack of school spirit and flaunt it like the flauntingnest flaunt that ever did flaunt. I feel that school spirit is akin to a heathen idol cult. Not that I have anything against heathens or idol worshipping, but come one, you really want to be worshipping your classmates? What kind of rot is that? If you are forced to attend a *shudder* pep rally I recommend throwing things at the atheletes and other childish pranks. Either that or sit there in passive resistance. Whatever floats your boat

Becoming More and More Lack Lustre by the Post
Auntie Jaq.


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 12:45 AM
Post #16


Took this grammar!
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From: Saskatoon
Member No.: 165
Gender: Female



QUOTE (Smallsam @ Apr 25 2003, 01:31 AM)
Dear Jaq:

My brother keeps downloading porn, and it slows down my computer and it creeps me out hardcore. Soon I'll just be sitting in a corner rocking back and forth at the thought of my brother doing *things* and being computerless because we get all these freaky weird porn viruses and my computer crashes. Should I kill my brother to protect the sanctity of my computer? Or just castrate him?

~Me.

Dear Me:

If I were given the choice between killing and castration and there were no other options I would choose killing. And there is a completely logical and practical reason for doing this. Castration will only make him more frustrated and probably result in more porn being downloaded onto the computer. Killing realeases all of the stress and will probably put him out of his misery too. If you feel these two options would be too drastic, telling your parents that the computer keeps crashing but not telling them why might help also. If you don't want to be a "tattletale" (I don't like that word, I don't like rat, or snitch either. You're not in a bloody gang people, it's alright to go to a higher authority) then buy your own computer and put several password locks on it.

Yours
Auntie Jaq


--------------------
Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 12:49 AM
Post #17


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (Debaser @ Apr 25 2003, 01:35 AM)
dear jaq,

i know this dog. it hates me. am i justified in selling it?

sincerely,
needs the money

Dear Needs the Money

Before you sell this hateful dog, there's a few questions you need to ask yourself. Do you own the dog? Do you have any right to sell it? Will selling the dog somehow make your problems dissapear? Does the dog give you the evil eye? Would anyone buy the dog? If you can answer "yes" truthfully to all these questions then by all means sell the dog. But if that mutt ain't giving you the evil eye, I'd hold off selling it for the time being. And who would buy such an annoying dog if it didn't come with "evil eye" already installed? I know I wouldn't.

The Dog Lover
Auntie Jaq


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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LoLo
post Apr 25 2003, 01:18 AM
Post #18


Kiefer > Jason
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Dear Jaq,

Why do onions have layers?

Sincerely,
Watched Shrek too much.


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Being Pimped By Aries Since 2003
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 01:24 AM
Post #19


Took this grammar!
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Dear Watched Shrek Too Much:

Because without layered onions we wouldn't get to have such great metaphors for life. If onions were only one layer everyone would hate them, they would never go to any chic parties and they would lay about feeling sorry for themselves. But because they have layers their self esteem is through the roof. In fact they may be the most egotistical root vegetable I know of. I feel sorry for rutabagas. How many metaphors for life do rutabegas have? They are the true misfits of the root vegetable metaphor world. Everyone else in is the clique except the poor rutabegas Carrots? Yup. Onions? You bet. Potatos? Hell yes. Even bloody beets have metaphors! But none for the poor misunderstood rutabega.

In conclusion, onions have layers to make them feel better about themselves.


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Mr Fuzzy
post Apr 25 2003, 01:50 AM
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This space intentionally left blank
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Dear Aunty Jaq,

Im still just about moving at nearly 3 in the morning, and my T button doesnt work properly.
Do you know of anything my doctor could prescribe to help me?

Wobbly of Winchester.


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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 01:56 AM
Post #21


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (Mr Fuzzy @ Apr 25 2003, 02:50 AM)
Dear Aunty Jaq,

Im still just about moving at nearly 3 in the morning, and my T button doesnt work properly.
Do you know of anything my doctor could prescribe to help me?

Wobbly of Winchester.

Dear Wobbly:

I recommend high concentrations of bacon fat, powdered sugar and a little extract I like to call "memories of a 1964 ford pickup" I won't tell you exactly what's in the last bit, but boy howdy does it pack a whallop! Now you mix all those together and, if done properly, will form a kind of paste. Apply this paste liberally to your T button, thighs and above your right eyebrow. This should take care of what ails ya. If not, well obviously you didn't do it right and there's no reason to come whining back to me.

Lovingly Yours,
Auntie Jaq


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Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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jicama
post Apr 25 2003, 07:04 AM
Post #22


a hoopy frood who really knows where her towel is
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dear auntie jaq

last night i drempt that i was a vampire, but i didn't want mom to find out so i hid in her closet. i told goober that i was a vampire, he didn't really care, but thought it was important that he make me some roast nuts. .. why did i dream i was an undead creature of the night? why would i be concerned about mom finding out of all people?! and why would i think that the best possible place to hide from her would be in her own bloody(dang those lederhouses) closet?! and why was my brother making me roasted nuts?

sincerly;
"she's no angel!"


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i don't need eternal truth, i've got shadow puppets!
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spiceybrains
post Apr 25 2003, 11:45 AM
Post #23


Super advanced member
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Dear Auntie....

I seem to have a serious problem staying off the internet at work. Its not allowed and i have been warned so many times... but i am addicted you see. this isnt helped by the fact that my home computer sucks like a sucky thing.

is there anyway to control this desire?

yours, addicted


--------------------
I seriously can smell your brains. mmm, fruity...

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i do the huggin' for the lil' pie fairy!! she gives me pie!!
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 04:05 PM
Post #24


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (spiceybrains @ Apr 25 2003, 12:45 PM)
Dear Auntie....

I seem to have a serious problem staying off the internet at work. Its not allowed and i have been warned so many times... but i am addicted you see. this isnt helped by the fact that my home computer sucks like a sucky thing.

is there anyway to control this desire?

yours, addicted

Dear Addicted.

I find that little trick called negative reinforcement works wonders, but only if you really want to quit getting in trouble at work and putting your job in jeopardy. Now if you're completely fine with putting your job in jeopardy every time you log onto a useless site....then go for it. but if you really want to quit then you have to use the dreaded negative reinforcement method.

It goes like this. You have to make the prospect of logging on the internet so unpleasant that the mere thought of it sends you into spasms of fear. So everytime you log onto the internet for non work related reasons you're going to get a negative reinforcement. You can pick your own. I find yelling something extremely personal at the top of your lungs, bashing yourself over the head with a handy stapler or telling your boss to screw off will work wonders. These will provide such a nasty reaction that even if you still want to log onto the intenet you won't have a chance to because you'll be dealing with head wounds, private meetings with the boss, and nasty office gossip, although not nessecarily in that order.

Hope that helped.

Sadistically Yours
Auntie Jaq

p.s. save some money and get yourself a decent home computer


--------------------
Everytime the blue screen went out, Stan the weatherman suffered an existential crisis.
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Jaq
post Apr 25 2003, 04:13 PM
Post #25


Took this grammar!
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QUOTE (jicama @ Apr 25 2003, 08:04 AM)
dear auntie jaq

last night i drempt that i was a vampire, but i didn't want mom to find out so i hid in her closet. i told goober that i was a vampire, he didn't really care, but thought it was important that he make me some roast nuts. .. why did i dream i was an undead creature of the night? why would i be concerned about mom finding out of all people?! and why would i think that the best possible place to hide from her would be in her own bloody(dang those lederhouses) closet?! and why was my brother making me roasted nuts?

sincerly;
"she's no angel!"

Dear Not A Heavenly Body

This probably all goes back to childhood. As usual this is where we pick up all of our neuroses. You specifically have fears about people who want you to eat roasted nuts. This stems from the time in 3rd grade school bullies held you down and force fed you roasted nuts while chanting "Spork! Spork! Spork!" over and over again. You deal with this fear by hiding in your mothers closet, a metaphor for the womb. The reason you are a vampire in this dream is quite simple. It is because you are crazy.

Backing Away Slowly
Auntie Jaq


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