I do it because I like the pain. It gives me something to focus on, other than the problems at hand. Granted it doesn't make them go away, but the adreneline rush, the pain, it's like a high. And the high can come so easily. So like I said, I do it for the pain, I think that deep down that's everyone's reason. If it wasn't then we wouldn't self inflict pain upon ourselves. Any other reasons we have derive from the pain.

I do try to find other ways to deal with my negitive energy, like crew and music/theater. Without them I don't know what I'd do.

Anyways, thanks for the interesting study hun!

*huggles*

To pause a moment and analyze the results:

People here self mutilate for a few inter-related reasons.

1) the pain and adrenaline give them a high of sorts
2) it helps them feel like they are punishing themselves for something they feel is their fault when it really is not
3) it helps them find a manifestation for pain so they can see their internal suffering and cope better.

I beleive those are the main points to be analyzed.

My next question is..where did you get the idea to self harm?

I dunno...tv...maybe....theater?


Ah...romeo and juliet

I read about it, a friend did it, I guess that sort of made me realise that the option was there. I was stupified when I read about it in a Chicken soup book, and when a tough time came to me, I had a small cut on my arm. I picked at it, it hurt, but it made me feel better. So I started cutting.

People think they help by writing about why you shouldn't do it. But to someone who is depressed, all they see is how it helped someone to cut, that obviously if they did it and kept on doing it, they liked it.

That's what I think.

EDIT: I started cutting agian *sort of*... I just take my knife, and cut the same place over and over again a little bit at a time until I get a drop of blood, and from all the scraping, my arm got sore, and I have one tiny little scab.... It was punishment(the sore part), if you'd like to know, but I do like pain(the cut), in small bits... *ponders* I'm odd... o.0

sorry-just trying to bring a bit of happiness

I consider it a serious problem, so maybe that's why at the moment I wasn't taking joke lightly.

I read it in some teen magazine when I was younger but I didn't start SI until a couple years later when I was going through alot of stuff. I had purposely tried alcohol, sleep deprivation and skipping school to take my mind off things but other people seemed to notice these things and those ways of coping didn't really help. Cutting seemed like a safe, secret thing that had no huge consequences and that I could easily hide from other people.

OK, firstly, my reasons for selfmutilation (in the forms of cutting and, within the last few months, starving myself) are for the following reasons. I find it helps me cope with stress (especially concerning my mothers mental state because it's about the only thing I can't really talk about in day-to-day life. I also use selfharm to punish myself when I think I've acted in a way that upset people I love that could have been avoided. Also sometimes it just happens, two nights ago was the first time I'd cut myself since Dayan died because when that happened I felt I had to stop for him if not myself. But I was listening to Creed and feeling generally down after an argument with my mum and the song "One Last Breath" came on and made me feel shit. Whereupon I cut myself. Not a good approach to life but I find that pain and blood can alleviate that feeling even just for a little while and I often feel like I have no control over harming myself.

Secondly, I'm not precisely sure where I got the idea to harm myself. In fact just before I started I found out a close friend of mine had been cutting herself and I was really shocked. I had no idea how she could do something like that to herself and couldn't imagine inflicting pain on myself ever. But four months later I was in therapy and cutting my arms and legs nearly every day. I know that the first stimulus was my mum getting sick again and beating the crap out of me while she was psychotic and hallucinating. I'd beem told by her friends not to tell any of my family cause they'd lock her up again but, frankly, that's what she needed. So I turned to selfharm instead.

I am one of those people, for some unknown reason, just attracts suicidal people, SIers, depressed/manicly depressed people, etc. I am sure you can understand the mental strain on having week after week people who need your support, I almost failed my GCSEs after spending the days in the exam room and the nights in a mental hospital by the side of my girlfriend who ODed.

I first came across self harm when I saw scars on my best friends arm nearly 3 years ago. Thats where I heard from him about how it released him, it made him feel like he was alive. One line which he said and I will never forget.

I cut because when I see my blood I can see the source of my pain.

And last year, at the low point of my depression, I was sitting in my room surrounded by the poetry my friends had written (also the first time I started to write, another excellent way to get feelings out) I took my knife and carved a word into my arm.

I didn't notice the pain until afterwards, I found that the more pain I could make the less there was on the inside. I turned to burning after a while. I still use pain as an escape but I have found a few methods, if you put ice on your body for a while it can burn like fire, scarless and non damaging pain. For when I want to see my blood I use that crappy vampire blood from joke shops or draw on myself in red ink. These fake harm methods helped me, I didn't think they would but they did work, I thought they might be useful.

But what really makes me angry are, as people have been saying, the people who think its a game. I wear long sleeved shirts and jumpers in summer because all the looks I get people just know. I have a few on my hands but they look like accidents.

just because i tried to make light of the situation (u know me,ever the optimist) doesn't mean i don't take the idea seriously.i've self-harmed a couple of times before and i hated it,i've seen its seriousness first hand.sorry for trying to bring a bit of laughter to the place.

Reading many of these posts, most of them have in common seeing blood helps deal with pain. I am not oing to beg you to not do this, just try to disillusion yourself from the fact that blood is not a pain releiver. It is nothing more than blood, the releas eis in your head. Associate pain releif with something else, and slowly you will be able to ween yourself off of self-mutilation. Destroy your illusions and embrace yourself and hope. That's the only way you can stop.

I don't see blood as a pain reliever but I do see it as a signal that I have experienced pain relief, if that makes any sense. It's a difference that some people get mixed up in their minds so that all they want is to see blood because they associate that with a high that they get with hurting themselves.

i started self harming shortly after the death of my mother... i felt dead inside (and still do) and to self harm made me feel alive...pain must mean life! it started with pins...stabbing myself with needles etc then i moved onto scissors and stuff, i had a tendency to use flames to heat stuff up and push it onto my skin, just for the smell really.... i find that the pain lifts me out of myself and i can forget everything, because when you cant cope all you can do is try to forget, even for a second!

Fal xXx

I liked cutting...but it left too much 'evidence' ...so now what I do is I light a match, and I put it out quickly (sometimes I'll let it burn longer, then it gets hotter, pending on how upset I am) and then I'll place it to my hand or arm, and it leaves just a tiny little spot. They look like freckles when you're through. Short, quick, and by far not painless.

The other day I went through almost a whole booklette of matches, that's the only bad thing about this, the pain doesn't last long enough.

Removing post due to its arrogant and preach-y nature, sorry to all those I offended.

Hey, Maxerpopple? I'm gonna have to ask that you not preach at the self-mutilating crowd. They didn't ask for a psychoanalysis - all they've done is honestly answer your questions to satiate your curiosity. I think that we all understand that you think there are healthier ways to cope, but there are also better ways of conveying said message. Think about it.

I'm going to have to echo Missy on this. You asked us questions, we answered you as honestly as we could because you didn't seem to be judging. I don't know if you know this but many people SI because they don't feel like they have anyone they can turn to and they don't trust people. They also keep it secret because they don't want to hurt the people they care about and they fear the type of reaction that you just gave.

You presented this thread as a place to satisfy your scientific curiosity, and I think people responded to that because you didn't let your morals or personal feelings enter into it. Don't try and start preaching at the people who SI now. Everyone knows it's wrong. What you say will just make people feel guilty about themselves or angry at you.



There are different sorts of pain. The people who SI are doing the best they can to deal with the pain that they have. It may seem disgusting and shameful to you, but frankly I'm disgusted by your superior misleading attitude, your preaching,your morbid curiosity and your contradictory posts. You should be ashamed.

yeah! go Jaq!!!!!



i actually think and hope there are other ways i could deal with stuff than to cut but it would probably mean id have to tell someone in rl about it which would be way too hard from my point of view.

but yeah everything else Jaq jsut said i agree with.

I also agree with jaq, you said you wouldnt preach at us or try to change our minds, what are you doing right there? You admit yourself you made this poll in an attempt to understand the lure of selfharm, well I'm sorry but you don't understand it yet and chances are with an attitude like that you never will. You obviously have no idea of what leads a person to self harm but telling us "for shame" when we are only struggling to do our best is despicable.

At least we only physically harm ourselves and not others, at least our primary objective in life isn't to go out and get drunk and start riots in an attempt to numb the pain. I know our actions can still hurt families should they find out but you get good at hiding, believe me.

The fact that we SI shows (to me any way) that we haven't given up hope. Just right now this is the only way we can get on in the world. If we had given up we'd be dead not scarred. Think about it that way.

Don't make such flaming and insensitive remarks about such a sensitive and touchy subject if you expect civility in return OK?

.... ...if you don't believe me then ask atd...but...it's a quote from the movie The Princess Bride....chill out ppl...

Durng it, mah post from school didn't show up... Oh well. Moving on - sometimes I do agree with you, Sir Maxerpopple, but this is one time I shall have to differ, and disagree. You asked people to be honest, and they were. They offered their reasons, trying to help you understand and empathize. Now, I'm almost tempted to say you betrayed the trust they endowed to you. You said that you would not preach, nor discourage them from self-mutilation, and you did. Don't be hypocritical, please. Just let this thread continue minus your perfidious remarks. No one really wants to be preached to. In a sentance, agreement with Missy, Jaq, Hinsley, Porce etc. m'kay? ; Thanks...

If you got the message of preaching that was not the intent. It may have come off as preach-y, can see that a bit now. I can tend to get that way when I am passionate about something. If you took it the wrong way, sorry, twas merely my two cents. It would maybe have been a better idea to start a new thread. This thread yes was the wrong place for it. I am going to delete the post, and will make no further comment on the issue, only further read posts. I am sorry for offending you, I still have quite a bit of arrogance left in me, trying to remove it. I don't want to disassociate anyone here, I find this place rather comfortable and entertaining (the forum as a whole not this thread). I formally ask for forgiveness, I will bind myself more to self control next time.

It's okay, I forgive you at least. Just, it was a quotation from a movie, you can't just jump to conclusions, which appears to be what you did. Just be a little more careful next time that's all.

I was chilling with my friend Laurel not-too-long ago and we were talking about self mutilation. I told her about my arm and forehead and showed her the scars. She took off her pants (don't jump to conclusions) and showed me the scars on her legs. She said that she preferred to cut her legs so that no one could see them. She also showed me a scar from when she carved the initials of her friend/former potential lover Ashley. She told me she did it out of love. It kind of scared me. She and I felt stupid because of what we did. Now we're both left with scars from the extreme emotions we felt. Looking back, I wish that I didn't cut/strike myself. At least our scars are fading and my lips are healing completely.

I started harming myself because the idea had been planted in my head by myself. It wasn't the media or another person it just felt .. right almost which is really bad I suppose. I was just playing around with a safety pin and used it on myself randomly.

Lately I've tried starving myself but people keep making me eat. I'm trying to stop cutting but I don't know if my resolve is going to hold any longer and sometimes (usually when drunk but yesterday was an exception) I violently punch and kick the floor/walls/my head (not kick my head though..) and I just like pain.

So really I may have gained the idea of self-harm from others but I suspect it was just my own mind that made me do it.. and still makes me do it in weird and perverse ways sometimes.

Almost the same here.... except its been almost.... hrm... 4/5 years now... and I no longer wish to SI

I gave myself 2 scars last year as a symbol to myself of being free of SI, and yes it is completely different... these are scars made by me for the perpose of being scars (with designs also)... like tattoos but without the ink.. the difference in my mind is/was tremendous...

I started in a time of intence emotional pain.. so much so that i felt numb... and I could feel the blade.. the ache in my arms afterwards... and somehow it brought reality back... strange really.. then later I did it so i had a visable, tangible reason for the pain i was feeling...

I grew out of it.. emotionally.. my life changed... and here I am... 1 shiney happy bunny of love.. or somthing along those lines.

Is writing on oneself considered selfmutilation? I've done it for about as long as I can remember and people have told me it's unhealthy. I don't believe so, but I'm not completely sure on it.

I wirte on myself too, I think my Dad just thinks it's 'un-ladylike' or 'unclean'. Oh well, I do it anyways...

Depends what you write I suppose.

With a pen? Or ink? I wouldn't think that would be considered self mutilation. I guess it would be if you considered body mods to be self mutilations, like tattoos or piercings, but generally I think you'd have to actually injure yourself in some way for it to be considered mutilation.

To answer the original question, yes, I used to cut myself, and now I just use candle wax, or something similar to create brief pain that doesn't cause permanent injury, and I do it because physical pain is easier to deal with than emotional pain. For me, anyhow.

I've thankfully stopped cutting myself, several years ago, mostly due to being moderately happy about my life.

I did it... well, I did it to divert attention. I'm fairly wussy, so the physical pain would demand all my attention, because I found it wayyyy too easy to think about things that really hurt.

Haha. That's the same with me. My dad keeps trying to scrub off the ink from my arm while I stand there just staring at him and calling him an idiot in my head.

I don't think writing on yourself is self mutilation...

Well, then again...maybe if you write stuff insulting yourself...to harm yourself emotionally and distract from other emotional problems...? But that's a bit of a stretch.

I've always written on myself too. Most of the time it's reminder notes...like I'll write "Do math hw" on my arm..cause I never seem to be able to use any paper form of reminding myself. Or I'll just draw random things on myself if I'm bored.

I've done the candle wax thing too...I don't know why I do it exactly though. I never even thought about it till Aria mentioned it...since I was thinking of self mutilation mainly as just cutting. I just can't let a candle burn without playing with the wax for some reason. I don't think it's to escape emotional pain though...just a weird habit that I have.

I've done that a few times. In retrospect, it wasn't healthy mentally or emotionally.

I've had a little personal experience of cutting - last time was about four years ago. Things were looking pretty bleak and there always seemed to be a whirlpool of emotions swirling inside my head. Usually bad ones. I won't say that I was depressed or ever have been - I think that word gets popped out far too often without people always understanding the full implications of real depression.

I found that cutting helped me focus on problems. I couldn't control the feelings inside but I could certainly control my own body and the scapel. I'm lucky, the scars that I have are really faint and hardly noticible at all.

I eventually pulled myself together and stopped cutting. Funnily enough it's been replaced by tattoos and piercings. Whenever I feel down and thoughts are spinning around my head, it always ends with one thought 'I don't want to be me'. So, I go out and maybe get my lip pierced or an ear. Something as small as that always makes me feel better somehow. A small change but not as insignificant as you may think.

You may say that I've just replaced one type of mutilation for another but it works for me and less messy.

I've probably posted about this on here before, but figured I may as well add my tuppence worth.

To begin with (and this isn't aimed at anyone) I hate the term 'self-mutilation'. To begin with that's normally used by people who don't SI (self-inujre) and is really negative. Ok, most people may not like the idea of physically causing harm to yourself, but labelling it negatively only serves to reinforce the prejudices against it and make those who do it want to hide it more.

As to why I SI, it's for a number of reason - it's helps me deal with emotions better; any excess of emotion, be it good or bad, is not something I deal with very wel, and so causing myself pain helps me relieve some of that. it also plays a big part in making me feel. All too often I'm numb, emotionless, almost dead to all feeling. Cutting/burning/starving, whatever I do at the time helps bring myself back to realityit almost grounds me in real life in a way that I can function properly.

There are of course a hell of a lot more complicated reasons behind it, but I'm tired and can't type properly so will it explain it in more detail if anyone wants me to.

I do it because im insane....at least I think I am. I think I like pain and it helps me deal with emotions and simply because im insane. My friends get real upset when I try to kill myself or slit my wrists, but sometimes I don't care. Really, it's sad. Just like in a Stephen KIng book, I say "hey-ho, let's go" and take a sawblade or rasor to my arm. I scare myself so don't tell Dolty mcDaft because she'd freak if she knew I was still doing it. Plus, it makes me feel good. Can someone tell me WHY?!

It causes a rush of adrenaline. Maybe you should try skydiving or something instead. I can understand slashers and why they do it. I have a close friend that does it. Its just not my thing. *has other, possibly worse habits*

I have quite badly hurt myself once or twice when i was a bit younger, when my rents split and i was in a bad relationship cos it just made me feel better i guess. But it went too far, i ended up with some problems, so i had to stop. Thats all im saying on the topic.

Tbh i usually end up mentally abusing myself rather than physically.

Amen

Thats actually a more common problem i think. I know my friend louise does it.

(one day i'll persuade her to actually use her account on here then she can tell you herself )

Unsure really on 'why'. I think it's because it's one way I can be sure I'm still alive. Sometimes I just feel dead inside, that my whole life is a routine, a burden that has to be lived with until something better comes along.

I voted other---well cause the times I did cut--well...

My friend was cutting herself-and she didn't seem to get why people were worried about her--so I cut myself a couple times and then showed her-needless to say she freaked and then realized why I was worried for her. She stopped-but I still have the scars on my right wrist--and once and a while I'll do it again, just--I don't know why, but I do--not that I have the intention of harming myself it just...I can't explain.

I get no rush when I cut--it's like I'm dead when I do it--all I feel is that little bit of pain-and that's it.

Well I didn't want to mess with this thread because it would depress me all over again, so I haven't really touched it. I still haven't read anything, sorry if any of my thinking sounds redundant...well...it was a thing I started up a year ago. I'd have a good day and everything, but then I'd just be sitting aside and suddenly swing down. I'd thought a lot about penetrating the skin but didn't do it until the one night I did. I can't remember why - at that point in time I was just so happy watching myself bleed. I did get a bit worried as it seemed to bleed a lot, but that was because I was wiping away every tiny dot three seconds after it appeared over and over again. From then on, it had nothing to do with how I was feeling. It was something I would automatically do as a routine. This continued for a while, and the stress from hiding it broke. I remember exactly what happened, my sister came in and yelled at me and said I was ruining her life and that she almost self wounded with a tiny cut on her finger. I exploded. I ran upstairs and fell asleep. When I woke up, no surprise - my sister had leaked it to my father. As soon as he came home from work and days afterward, everything was uneasy. He'd be constantly checking where I cut (wrists) and then ask how I was feeling. I never wanted to talk about it. I got more psychiatric treament (before this all happened I was already hyped up on anti-depression medicine.) After awhile and a meds increase he stopped bothering me. But the addiction crawled back, and I set into a routine again. I did it less often, but at this point in time I was getting more depressed anyway. After a month or so of this I didn't take my meds two days in a row - BIG MISTAKE. At the end of the next day, I was in hysterics. By the time my father was home from work again I was screaming, yelling, crying, and brandishing a knife just slicing myself over and over again because of the sudden onslaught of the pain in the days without the meds. I confessed this and other thoughts I had about hurting myself worse, and I was lucky and only ended up with - a meds increase. Then, after a while, I started up again - couldn't help it. After two weeks or so Dad caught me, and a meds increase and many threats that he would take me to the center where they watched you 24/7 on a suicide watch - he thought my behavior was suicidal. The one big thing my psychiatrist did for me was tell my dad I wasn't being suicidal, just unleashing my anger and pain and stuff like that. I did stop for about a month...even when I got really depressed, I would just cry harder. I still cry much more often, maybe instead of cutting.That brings us to last Saturday...you can guess. I hate myself for that. Trying to hide it I did it on my palm (don't ever, hurts like a f***er) but in my journal I scrawling in a way that suggested I was battling this thing, this SI problem I had, trying to get control of myself...haven't done it since last week.

Damn. I feel so self-centered now. Eh, if you read all that anyone, thanks, I haven't told anyone my whole story anyway...

I cut becasue I know no other way of expressing myself. I do not cry like most I usually wont snap at people I can't The only time I do is when I don't cut like lately since I quit about a month ago I've been doing good but now I get headaches can't sleep am having doubts on everything and Im becoming more self concious. I'm thinking quitting was one of the worst things I've done and now that I quit I have no way to get out the stress and these doubts. These regrets I have that plague my mind. I have no idea what else I can do.

I chose other because there are so many reasons why I cant even remember all of them I've learnt to block them out if I want to keep control. It works but it can be so hard sometimes. I havent done it for a long time but the fear is still there that I'll lose it a slip back to old habits.
SI wasnt something I woke up thinking.. yeah I need to do that to find peace it just sort of..evolved from everything going on inside. A response to alot of things I suppose but even though I havent done it for two years I still cant clearly remember what is was that triggered me each time.
It didnt start with cutting either, I remember hating what was going on around me and the way I reacted to things so much that I needed to punish myself so that it would stop even when I knew I had no control over things I believed it would make a difference and balance things out.
It did for me in a way I started depriving myself of little things meals mainly, increasing it until it felt an appropriate level for whatever I needed which always seemed to get more. Even now I can go 5 -6 days without eating and I dont really ever feel hungry either which is kind of odd but I feel calmer, clearer. Looking back I was controlling the only thing I knew how I could.
Problem with losing that much weight (I went to 5 stone and Im only a little thing) is people notice and then they take the control away make you eat, watch your meals, weigh you, constantly check. I still needed control but it had to be something I could hide cutting worked I liked the release the pain gave and the blood I still have a fascination for the stuff but its not so dangerous to me now I think.
I dont have many visible scars though, I was terrified they'd be noticed and that they'd take that away somehow and it was mine not anyones to take. Pain seemed a reasonable balance so I'd just scratch until it hurt, looked like serious friction burn but was easier to hide, it did all I needed. I still have a few scars from that but they only show if I tan so I tend to avoid that but I know they are there and it reminds me. Ive never been proud of it Im lucky now I have people who I can trust and Im more content with who I am and my limitations but its still there I dont think it will ever go away! Sometimes I crave it and I start again but never as much now I feel immensly guilty when I try as if Im betraying a trust perhaps its the 'new, older me' that feels betrayed and I try not to do it.
Problem now I cant seem to harm, which I know is a good thing? but its what I hold on the inside that gets messy sometimes and hurts others, finding a way to deal with that...I know I have to and I believe I will that's going to be hard.

Reading this thread has helped alot, I've talked to people close to me but I think this place gives me some of the control I need because there are people who understand and dont judge. If I really need it I can ask and maybe even get answers without too much predjudice. My control may be emotional/mental now but its still hurts and it hurts people I care about which is something I am going to stop no matter what because I prefer to see them laugh and if I can make myself at least a little better then they laugh more a good positive thing I reckon...thankyou for allowing my ramble take care people!

I tend to go through phases of doing that. I don't tend to get hungry but that's a problem because in those situations, I WANT to be hungry. So I just skip more meals until I feel hungry which can lead to losing weight and people notice and then I feel I have to stop. I don't want to be thin, just hungry sometimes.

That looks really weird.

I know people who cut themselves as a form of body art, and for the adrenline rush as well as those who do it to cope with bad stuff so I just want to say this.

If you are hurting yourself because you feel its the only way you can cope with bad stuff going on in your life, next time you think about picking up that razor/knife then don't. Go to your PC and talk to us thats one of the reasons communites like this exist, to help each other cope when the bad stuff hits.
Maybe after you post you will still want to cut youself, but perhaps not as severly or as much. And thats got to be a good thing.

The guys I know who cut for body art or for kicks do so in a group, safe sane and supervised so no one really gets hurt, and thats different, thats a 'want to' rather than a 'need to' situation.

It says I've already voted, but I don't remember that.

What you said, GTS, about stopping your meds for two days and freaking out really scares me. After about the worst 60 days of my entire life (this summer) I began cutting again, and became very suicidal. I still haven't been to my father's, and I haven't spoken to him since the beginning of September. As far as I'm concerned, I never want to see him again.

I finally convinced my mother that I was depressed enough to get on meds when I admitted to cutting. She took it pretty well, I guess, as well as she could. We went to a psychiatrist (I'm sure that's not how you spell it) and they gave me 300 mg of Wellbutrin and 76 mg (I think) of Effexor a day. I do feel much better, and I never get depressed any more. Not even angry. But I have accidently missed days, and after reading Sarah's post I'm kind of scared to ever miss again.

Since the meds (about a month on them now) I haven't cut. Well, that's not true, I did the first week I think before the chemicals could build in my system and be effective. I cut, of course, to deal with overpowering emotions, on my forearm, never on my wrists, because I couldn't hide it there. I forgot to wear my hoodie one day and my friend saw. She told my councilor (sp) who in turn sees me once a week to check my suicidal meter.

I think that if I stay on my meds, I'll be able to overcome the cutting issue, but every once in a while, I have the urge. And what's worse is that I keep the razor in my room, I know exactly where it is. I don't have the balls to throw it out. We'll see what happens.

Before I went back to lithium after being on depakote, effexor and lamictil, I cut myself a lot. It was weird. I was numb to the world around me. THe only times I really felt anything was when I was hypermanic, suicidal or enveloped in rage. The latter two are when I cut myself. What was really funny is when I'd act on inpulse while manic, I'd often do things that later I'd regret and would therefore have reasons to cut my arm or face or hit myself with things.

Recalling the past year, I still sometimes want to cut myself or hit myself or drink or put stuff in my arm or end it. The thing about having bipolar type 1b is that you're never set mentally. Right now, I'm in a depressive cycle within a depressive cyle and the only things keeping me from hurting myself are Matazone, a lack of access to razor blades and hard drugs and an AA oath I took. You never really lose your desire to hurt yourself. It just kind of gets quieter. Am I the only one who feels that way?