Last year, i slept on the couch in my 'best friend's living room, cudled up next to the only person on this planet who has my full heart.

'I've got to hug you once for every chance i've missed...'

He cheated on me.
Several times.
Tossed me around, lied, threatened, screamed...
i was young, so i wanted to make him happy then, you know?
No lies, really...why would i have a reason to lie now? really...
i was selfish, though...i wanted his attention and his loyalty, you know?
...I offered to be his 'side girl'...if i could only be around him some more...
see, he was going to leave me for my best friend, but i figured...he didn't really care about her...
it was just a passing phase...
if i stuck by him, he'd see that i was really here.

then my neighbor.
Then three of his friends.
then my 'best friend' again.

It was over, right?...
well...
New years, last year...was when it all started.
So this new years?


I had two dreams, back to back...'nightmares'?...no clue.
Dreams about him. Holding him, the soft, tight skin of his back...all of those sweet freckles...
That was my favriote place. night there, his shoulder and his neck.
still...

my current boyfriend was in the dream, too. Dean is...well...sweet. pleasent, funny...hilarious, even. (Lorax, you know 'em...he's wonderful)...
as i was holding Mike closely...
i put my hand on Dean's hand...

When i woke up, i wanted to vomit.
I'm disgusting.

But people always say...
'Oh, just move on. it's over. stop being stupid'

It's just not that easy.
It just isn't.
i have moved on...before.
but then i get taken back...right back to where i started...
and i'm drowning in love and concern for him again.

I'm pathetic and stupid, and a selfish little girl...whatever...
i just...can't stop.
I'm tearing up as i write this...still...
i can remember that cool skin...

In my dream, i thought it was real. i honestly thought it was all ok.

It makes waking up, and realizing it wasn't all better...
so much harder.

(My first concious thought of the new year was to kill myself)

Moving to Issues.
Manji...I don't really know what to say, but you're worth more than this babes.
As for killing yourself, well, what a waste that would be. You have all the time in the world to show this idiot how strong you can be. Don't let him win, ok??
Hugs xxxxxxxxx

Note* Moving this to the new Personal concerns forum.

Manji life is full of pain, that pain is there to condition you for the future. Try to embrace it and learn from it. Boys come and go, life doesn't. You only get one (as far as I know) and in that life you will meet so many amazing people. Would you throw away a dozen eggs because of one bad one? No.. and life is the same.

Healing takes time. Whenever you start having these feelings for him, think about how you would feel if you're current beau were to say that he had feelings for a past lover. Remind yourself of how important Dean is to you, and if it is worth the time to have feelings for this other guy. Remember all of the times the other guy hurt you, and try your best to push him out of your mind. Whenever you start to think of him again, start forcing yourself to think about Dean.

I don't know if that will help you, because I am not very experienced, but you will have to be the judge of that.

Anytime you need to rant you can just email me and I am willing to listen.

I've been in a relationship like that and it can be really difficult. You're not distgusting - you're human -- sometimes its that you want what you can't have.

Others is that it you're so inlove with being in love, or that you gave such a large part of yourself to that person that even though it's over it will forever hurt.

If you need someone to talk to - I've been there.

Because you touch yourself at night/10

Uh, where did that come from? And that was rather immature.

[apologies for the interruption, that was an old, unwelcome member sneaking back in. Hopefully we've plugged the hole now.]

Hey! Have some consideration buddy! Lay off, okay?

little_bear: no worries, that was just an old troll getting into new business. he's been dealt with. ^^^ see mata's post

That I do. He's a sweetheart. <3

*hugs Manji*
I've been in the same situation, girlie! It's a crappy place to be in, I know, but eventually it'll all get easier, it did for me anyway...come talk to me and we'll talk and all that good stuff... And you're not disgusting, don't say that!

Occupy yourself with Electric Pants!