Is there any way to just know you're gay? My strongest attractions lie with women, there's no doubt about that. But I find myself looking at ladyboy porn and really liking it. I've looked at gay porn too and gotten off to it, but it doesn't really do it for me.

I can look at a man and find him attractive, but not in the same way I would find a woman attractive.

In summary, I would say that I've had a waxing and waning attraction to men most of my life, but one that pales in comparison to my general attraction to women.

This is very frustrating and confusing for me. To be honest, I don't really care one way or the other, I just want a sexually and emotionally satisfying relationship. To that end, I just want to know what the hell I am.

From what you're saying it sounds like you're bi, but this may change. I have a friend who says she is a lesbian but who also fancies men. She says she is very roughly 85% mostly interested in women, so it's just easier for people to think of her as gay.

It's very telling of the problems that bisexuals face that my friend says it's easier to say she's gay. Most people would think that it's easier to admit that you have some common ground with heterosexuality than to say that you are outright homosexual, yet her experience says otherwise. Bisexuality can be a completely stable sexual identity, but it is constantly faced by miscomprehension from other people. I have a badge somewhere with the phrase 'No, I'm bisexual, you're confused'. I got annoyed after many years of people asking me about my sexuality, my explaining to them what it meant and the (lack of) difference it makes to everyday life when compared to a person of another sexuality, then the listener would pause, contemplate, and say 'So... Basically you're confused then?'. No, I'm perfectly fine, thank you.

Bisexuality is a chameleon sexuality because it looks different depending on the environment. I'm bi and I've been in a stable, monogamous relationship with my girlfriend for many years... And I'm still bi. The important thing to realise is that I don't change, it's just everyone else's perception of how I'm acting.

That may or may not be of any help. Finding who you are inside is harder than it may seem. Personally I would say that I can find men and women equally attractive, but I expect that, should I ever become single again, I would end up dating mostly women purely because it's socially easier, and generally I've not found a lot of men that I would trust enough in a relationship. Some might say that being aware of social pressures in relationship choices is daft, but any pressure on a relationship is worth bearing in mind. If I were to find a man who was completely wonderful then it wouldn't matter, but if dating casually I'm more likely to end up with a woman. Realising this about myself and becoming comfortable with it took about four or five years, during which I had experiences with men and women. It wasn't easy to settle into it, but it did happen.

My advice is to stick with what you're comfortable with. If you find men so attractive that one day you want to date one then that's great, but if you're uncomfortable with that now then there's no rush. You've got your whole life to understand yourself, so take it easy and see how you feel. It could just be that you're a bit kinky and like the gender play of male and female signifiers, and that's completely fine too. There are loads of people who are like that. Is that bisexual? Well... It might be. Do you want it to be? Find something that you're happy with, something that fits with how you think about yourself. My friend says she's gay but happily lusts over men. Just because this doesn't make sense to observers it doesn't mean that it's a problem for her.

One tip: there are (for some reason) lots of bi people on these forums, as well as straight and gay people, so if you ever need to post or talk about sexuality, in particular things that you might be troubled by and need to share, then by all means post on here. If it's serious then we've got the Personal Concerns area for just that kind of thing, or we've got more general chat about ideas in this Issues area. You sound like it's troubling you, but there are people here who have gone through difficult times that may be similar to your experiences. Just ask and we're happy to listen.