May 17 2008, 01:44 AM
So basically I figure if I post about this here and talk about it some then it may be easier to deal with and I wont go over the edge. So any advice you can give me or anything would be appreciated.
Alright, to give you the scoop:
A little over a year ago my dad filed for divorce, it has dragged on and on and I really wish they could just settle it so I wouldn't be stuck in this anymore. So my dad filed and then it turned into 'well he took money from the joint account and I want half of it' according to my mother, so they had to get an accountant. no wait, correction, my dad had to pay for an accountant. Well my mother (Lindy) didn't turn in a bunch of the paperwork to the accountant so the report isn't complete but it was turned in anyway. On top of that Lindy is fighting to get half of everything, even things that are clearly my dad's property. Add to all this that Lindy won over 3/4 of a million dollars in 2005 and didn't do her taxes that year, or for 2006 when she won an additional 63,000 dollars at another casino and I dont think she did the taxes for 2007 either and even though my dad filed 'married filing seperately' he may still be held accountable for the taxes that were never paid and because Lindy has no money may get screwed. Now, they have joint custody of my 16 year old sister so Lindy can spend time with her but she lives with my dad and myself at the moment, much to her distress apparently. My sister wants to live with Lindy but Lindy can't support her so I dont know what she's going to do especially considering the next part of this...
Alright so I'm trying to help my dad out during this divorce thing but am also trying to help take care of my sister who is now, for the second time, preggers. She was preggers in Nov./Dec. last year and had an abortion at the end of Dec. solving that for then. well they gave her birth control which she took from mid Jan. to mid Feb. Somehow she conceived again the begining or so of Feb. even through she was on birth control and swears that her and her little boy toy used condoms every time. She's decided to keep it and is trying to figure out how to do this on her own when she's only 16 and is more irresponsible then most 10 year olds I know. She's got an attitude problem anyway but add on pregnancy and she's really a pain. She cant drive so she expects me to drive her everywhere she needs to go and supply her with her every want and need because my dad has told her he cant afford to. Well I cant afford to either which is my next issue that's making this whole thing that much worse....
So I've got stupid parents, a pregnant 16 year old sister, and now I cant find a job no matter how hard I try. I've been trying to find a job for about 3 months now, I have a good resume and more experience then a lot of 18 year olds and I still cant find a job. Part of it may be that the job market is really bad right now but it cant all be that and I cant for the life of me figure out what I'm doing wrong. So I'm broke and still trying to help out with all sorts of stuff, a lot of which includes driving, which needs gas, which costs money, which I don't have!
What in the world is a girl to do?
If you've read this all the way through thank you and I hope I made sense. any advise or anything is much appreciated.
May 19 2008, 10:17 AM
First of all, you need to try and pass some of all of that responsibility off onto your parents. Yes, they're going through a divorce, but even though you're eighteen, you should not (ideally) be the sole breadwinner and rational mind for the family. If your sister is pregnant, she should be attending classes and trying to set herself up for some kind of semblance of a position to make an environment to raise her child in. She made the decision to keep her baby and I'm sure it wasn't an easy one - she needs to follow through and start making the transition from child to parent, because you cannot be both.
You are not her parent. Keep trying to find a job and be a good ear for your family, but you have to remember that your parents divorce and your sister's pregnancy are not your doing and thus not your problems to solve. I'm not saying to tell them to eff off, I'm just saying that at eighteen, you should really try to focus more on your own future than the future of others. Helping is amazing. Listening goes a long way. Trying to fix their lives all by yourself is not your burden to bear.
Just try to breathe - it's hectic now, but it wont be forever. You can do this if you distribute the weight and remember to keep your own life as your goal.
May 19 2008, 12:05 PM
Syuu is pretty much on the money with this one, but I'm going to add my twopence worth anyway.
1) Divorce is hell for any child, even if the child is well into adulthood. Nobody likes to see the family unit fall apart. In any case, regardless of how bitter it becomes between them (and bear in mind that the lawyers are more likely to fuel the grievances rather than relieve them) you must never take sides. Ever. As soon as you do that, you're a part of it. No doubt they may moan at you about "He did this" and "she said that" but you have to let it wash over you. If they try the guilt trip ("Why are you not with me on this? Are you saying they are right and not me?") then just explain calmly that you love them both and you don't want to take sides. If they carry on, just say that this is hurting you and leave the room.
2) Your sister is being very self-indulgent, probably as a result of what's going on with your folks, and may even be a cry for attention. Don't cave in to her demands, don't be her chauffeur. Ask her why she wants the baby. Accept what she says, even if it's rubbish. Advise her calmly that she could be wasting her youth, that bringing up a child is hard work and costs money. If she tries to argue, stay calm, walk away. She may be intent on mortgaging her future but you don't have to be too deeply involved. Stay calm and she will know you aren't judging her and she'll feel she has someone to talk to. If she's not isolated now she might see what she's doing.
3) Finding a job is tough work, unemployment is everywhere and getting a foot on the rung is really tricky. So try a few proactive things to get you going. Get someone to review your CV, the feedback can be very useful. Use the "power words" to emphasise what you can do. Sell yourself in any way you can. Find ways to make seemingly irrelevant experience sound like the exact thing an employer is looking for. Ask people you know if there's jobs going where they work. Go visit companies and ask. Write letters to company HR departments with your CV. Do a pin-money job while you look, at least it's money coming in.
Finally, what Syuu says is right. These issues are not yours to bear. Obviously it concerns you that your family is going into meltdown but you shouldn't feel like it's taking you with it and it's not yours to fix. Maybe your parents aren't happy together any more. Maybe your kid sis is acting out. Keep your head, stay calm, maintain reasonableness and above all, don't take sides!
If you feel this is all getting on top of you, the very best thing I can suggest is you speak to a counsellor. This is not the same thing as a psychiatrist, you aren't mad! A counsellor should be the sort of person who will listen to you, non-judgmentally, and give you the space you need to sort yourself out.
Above all, hang in there! It's rough now but it'll pass soon enough. Concentrate on yourself while everyone else is being so selfish.
Good luck with it all, Shelly. I know it must be hard now but you can get through this.
May 22 2008, 03:35 AM
Thanks guys, *hugs* I'm trying to worry about myself more then anything that really isnt my responsibility in all this but it's hard. I'm getting through though, I wont let it get me down. For I am the Shelly and I always win because I never give up!
May 22 2008, 03:47 PM
everyone is right on the money so I will only give you a few job tips as it's what I am good at.
1. call local schools and ask if they are holding any job fairs. act like a student. This works best at community colleges.
2. load your resume to monster etc.. type websites. Apply for everything that is entry level. if you are in the states try craigslist.org
3. network with your friends and your friends parents... best way to get a job is to know someone.
4. get someone who is in a professional position to review your resume, again friends parents work great.
5. look for summer or temp work, internship etc.. call temp agencies. you can add the work to your resume and any job you take on work your butt off. Ask for extra work from your bosses. Even though they do not have a long term position for you in their dept a hard worker is not easy to find. They will be more than happy to refer you to other depts.
6. don't get down on yourself. the avg job search takes at least 3-5 months. with the US economy in the trash it may take longer. Just keep in mind whatever job you get try and keep it for at least a year or more. The money may be crap but longevity looks great on a resume.
If you need help putting your resume together message me if you want. I will be happy to help.
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