So here it is again, the Eurovision Song Contest. Another round of cheesy songs which are largely forgettable. Although occasionally we get a decent one.

This year's song vote, from me, has to be Ireland. Their entry is from Dustin the Turkey and is called Irlande Douze Points. I kid you not! It's cheesy Euro-pop all the way, which is a bit annoying, but it just so encompasses Eurovision that it ought to win purely for poking fun at it.

Anyway, take a shuffty at the Eurovision web site and see which country you think will win.

Watching the songs last night, I couldn't help but feel that Ireland were actually being really offensive. They really seemed like they didn't give a toss and thought the whole thing was rubbish. Yes, it is rubbish, but the ideals behind it are nice and it really can be good fun. More importantly some people were taking it very seriously and the Ireland entry looked like it was saying that people were wasting their lives. I can't blame the crowd for booing them because it came across as pretty nasty.

My favourites? Norway and Bosnia & Herzegovina. Both did very different and quite nice songs.

They got booed? Blimey! I didn't watch it so I don't know what happened, but I did hear that they didn't get through. I didn't think the song was being all that offensive, but perhaps it was a bit too tongue-in-cheek for some tastes. The Irish sense of humour can be a bit blunt, perhaps too much so in this case. Perhaps the performance was meaner.

Maybe the Irish don't give a toss, perhaps their economy is still reeling from the shock of having to host after winning it four times in the 1990's (92, 93, 94 and 96).

Perhaps having a puppet singing was even more offensive than Dana International - I remember all the brouhaha from that one, and what for? Just because of some trans-gender thing? It's not like she was competing in the olympics (which would be cheating, techically) and the song was pretty good anyway. I note that Dana has written this year's Israeli entry, so good for her!

I heard England's entry today on the radio. It sounds pretty good, actually, and we know Andy Abraham can sing live cos we heard him on X-Factor often enough. Funny how he's more famous and yet he came second. Whatever is happening to Shayne Ward's career? Yeah, so anyway, we've got an entry that is a squillion times better than last year's effort so who knows?

We came tie last, which I think was pretty harsh.

Russia beat Greece, despite Greece having a very professional song that was as catchy as a Brittany Spears track. Bloomin' bloc voting. It's really spoiling it. No wonder Terry Wogan is talking about quitting.

Bosnia still completely rocked. I loved their song!

Once again, the Italians have prevented me from catching Eurovision. Last year I was in Italy, and this year I was in an Italian restaurant with my family.

Next year, I will shun all things Italian and get myself a dose of European cheese. Musical cheese. Not parmesan.

The block voting was once funny, now it's getting so utterly predictable. And okay, our song wasn't brilliant but FRANCE?! Hello! What was that? And Spain's was the Spanish cha-cha-slide.

I loved the Lithuanian pirates; With a hey hey ho!

Oh yeah, and Azerbijan... er, huh?

So I'm still bummed that last year's Israeli entry never got through.

I hope Terry Wogan doesn't go. He is an oasis of sanity.

This has been a particularly unproductive post. Well there we go.

The UK's song was not the worst, it shouldn't have been dead last. No way. But we don't really take it seriously enough to win it. I mean, we're talking about a bin man co-writing a song! Okay, perhaps a little disrespectful to Andy Abraham there. He's a talented guy, the song was good and I respect him for having a go, for trying to get people behind him and for being completely honest about how he felt after the unlikely drubbing.

The song was good, but not good enough to win.

We need the modern-day version of Carole Bayer-Sager on the case. I mean, Russia managed to bag Timbaland, and look how he's sorted the respective careers of Nelly Furtado, Justin Timberlake and Madge. Theirs was one of a handful that were better than ours.

But the voting is ridiculous nowadays. All of Eastern Europe vote for each other, just like the Scandinavians do, but there's more of them. We have a mass of countries, all with a song and a vote, which take up an area the size of France, who get one song and one vote.

I think the only chance we have of winning is to split up. Not just into the countries (although whether Scotland would vote for England is another matter) but really splinter. And here is the vote for the Federal Republic of Lancashire...

Maybe we need to have an Eastern-Europe-Vision, then let the top couple of songs into the West-Ovision. It's not like they vote for any of us anyway, so they can argue amongst themselves then play nicely with the rest of us afterwards (which is probably quite a good metaphor for the history of the region...).

I really liked the French entry, although the pre-recorded version was better than the performance on the night. I didn't know how to score the Spanish one - that was too weird for me to try and work out whether I even liked it or not, let alone to give it marks out of ten.

Personally the Russian entry bored me silly. It was far too bland to win I think, and I probably wouldn't even rate it as being better than the UK entry. I can't help but feel that oil prices hitting $135 per barrel a couple of days before the contest swung people towards wanting to placate Russia.

Our entry wasn't a winner by any means, but it was definitely better than some of the songs (the German one was pretty bad). I've no idea why that Pirate one did so well - it was entertaining I guess, but overall it was tosh.

As Terry said, no-one can pretend that the contest is about music any more, and that's a shame.

I think it was the Spanish song... did anyone notice an uncanny resemblence to Sunday Morning by Maroon 5 (I think it's that song, I don't really listen to Maroon 5 at all)?

Edit: Actually no, not the Spanish one at all (which was super awesome)...

Another edit: Denmark! How unfortunate for them...

An intriguing idea, Mata. Or maybe the Eurovision panel could just curb the number of finalists - the original Eurovision only had 10 nations competing, and three of them didn't make it, including the UK! Perhaps if we did that, we'd start to see the likes of France, Germany, Italy and Spain banding together to make sure it doesn't become Balkavision.


Interesting theory, but I don't think Russia produces enough oil to have any real impact on the OPEC barrel pricing. They may sell some, but I suspect they'll want to hang on to it so they can fuel themselves more cheaply, a bit like we did with North Sea oil.


True. And even more sadly, Terry is considering dropping out because of the geopolitical nonsense. I can't say I blame him either, he called nearly every vote before it was made this year, thus proving that if one Irish television and radio presenter can spot it, it's too damn obvious.

Don't forget that he's usually drunk by that part of the evening too. Well... I assume he is. He certainly seems to get more sarcastic as the evening progresses.

The thing that always baffles me is the reason why these countries always vote for each other. It's not like it changes anything politically or economically. I can't see communication being split between countries because they didn't for their neighbours, so what's the point? What's in it for the individuals phoning up to vote?

Incidentally, Russia has the biggest gas reserves in the world, huge amounts of coal, and is the second largest oil exporter in the world - they're very major players in the world energy economy. I can imagine politicians want to keep Russia happy, but why on earth should the voters in Eurovision give a damn, or think that their vote makes any difference beyond the competition?

Yeah, he's definitely on the outside of a couple of bottles of vino rosso by then.

I don't know, Mata. I'd be hard pushed to find evidence to support that theory. The fact they all vote for each other means that communication lines are kept open, is it possible that by not doing then things fall apart? Unlikely, I guess, but who can say for certain? Perhaps, given the levels of insurgency that these nations have suffered in the past, they would want to placate their neighbours so they don't end up with more infractions? Is it possible that Eurovision voting could cause a skirmish? Again, doubtful, but if you've lived with it, would you take the chance?

Of course, the reason that the Scandinavians all vote for each other is simple. They are all mates and it prevents the embarrassment of a "nul points" if nobody else votes. To this end we can thank the Irish and the people of San Marino, who appear to be our only allies in Europe. Quite possibly because every other European country is sick of our constant stream of lager lout holidaymakers and lager lout football hooligans. Erm, I mean, fans.

I think a small oil field was found outside Basingstoke a year or two ago. Maybe it would improve out chances in the competition if we publicised it more? (Or perhaps we'd just be invaded by America instead.)

It's worth a shot. And it'd improve the face of Basingstoke no end to have it converted to an onshore oil platform too. Let's just hope they find one in Runcorn as well

If you keep on digging you're bound to find something worthwhile eventually, even if it is subsidence that destroys the whole town.

I started digging once to find something, I got down quite a long way and the most interesting thing I found was a chap from Auckland doing much the same thing...

Oi, hang on Mata... You derailed this thread! Is this a first for this forum? I think we need to be told.

No, I derail things relatively often, I just tend to put them back on again with a vaguely appropriate final sentence. I figure that since we probably weren't going to revolutionise the voting system it wouldn't do any harm to dicuss techniques for the destruction of Basingstoke, Runcorn, and possibly Yeovil too.

Why Yeovil? I went there once, I thought it was okay.

We can take Slough out though, I doubt anyone would miss it. And Reading, we need to do something about that place - I did three laps of it trying to find a signpost for the M40

You need a signpost for the M40? You should come over to my place, I picked a load up in this city once. Man, that place had a terrible one-way system...

Yeovil is for Jonman, who hated the place with a passion. I'd happily dump Guildford in the pit too. It looks really nice for about an hour, but it's got no soul.

Since we're adding oddball places to the mix, can I suggest we add Milton Keynes? It looks like it was designed by Sim City. The place can't be made cool no matter how many street dancers appear on TV or how loudly Marilyn Manson shouts it.

And I'd like to add Ashton-Under-Lyne into that mix too. I don't care that it's being rebuilt. I'm not interested in the fact that there's an Ikea (apart from the fact I no longer have to go to Warrington or Leeds for Ikea stuff any more). Yes, I know it's got a decent trading estate and a reasonable shopping centre and a nice shiny new leisure complex comprising several restaurants, a multiplex and a bowling alley, but I don't care! I don't even care that the trams are going to stop there at some point soon! All this work the mayor is doing on the place is just polishing the proverbial turd.

I'm getting the impression that you don't like it.

Really? What on earth gave you that idea?

Worst part is, I can see the damn place from my house... I don't live there but I'm up a hill from it and I can get a good view. If you can call being able to look at a crappy provincial town "a good view".

But can I say that I'm enjoying having a thread where I banter with you, Mata. I don't recall that ever happening before. You can colour me honoured!

Oh, I'm sure it must have happened at some point.

Having a view over the place just means that you've got a better angle of attack. For example, a bit of work and improvisation should allow you to create a reasonable trebuchet. With household chemicals mixed in the right quantities you have the ideal position from which to rain down fire upon the morlockian residents of Ashton-Under-Lyne. I expect to see images of this after the weekend.

That sounds like a fine idea, except for the fact I'm a lousy shot with medieval weapons. I'd probably overshoot and take out Daisy Nook instead. The name makes it sound like a nice place, and frankly it is; it's an oasis in the desert of overbuilt and overpopulated suburbia. I'd fare better with a nice modern targetable weapon like a Trident, but it's hard work getting one round here.

Besides, in spite of complaining about the horribleness of the place, I'll still be making use of the local multiplex this weekend. Going to see the new Indiana Jones movie.

Heh... a thread that started off as a question about Eurovision ends up as a discussion on how to blow up your neighbours. Only on the Matazone Forums

If you're having trouble finding a Trident then you should try Argos. They've got everything you know. They even sell top secret dossiers in case you've left yours on the train.

How was the film? I've heard middling things about it.

Ah, so that's where I left those top secret dossiers! And to think I turned the office upside down looking for them. Tsk.

The film was okay if you just closed the thinking section and just let it happen to you. If you thought about it at any level, the whole thing becomes a bit farcical. Which is possibly within the bounds of the previous Indy series, and to an extent the logical successor, the 'Mummy' series. But overall the whole ancient mysticism was left aside and replaced with good old extra-terrestrialism, which is disappointing.

Aliens? Really? Ho hum. I guess that's what happens when you move from a time where it was acceptable to have Christian assassin cults and human-sacrifices done by Foreign Looking people to a time where even the mention of religion gets screams of protests from audiences.

I wait with bated breath for the aliens to file a lawsuit for defamation of character. Then again, they're the ones taking people off and sticking things up their bottoms in the name of science, so maybe they won't mind: it's fair to say that they must have a sense of humour!