now, most people, when asked if they support arranged marriges (that don't live in places where that is considered acceptable) will say something along the lines of 'of course i don't support them. you should be able to spend your life with someone you love. no one should be able to make the choice of who you marry for you'.

this (or last, depending on if you start a new week with sunday or not) week during history class my teacher was talking about arranged marriges. i don't think he ever said if he was for or against them, but he did talk about what someone who was for them told him. him/her (can't remember) told my history teacher that 'if you marry someone you love, you've married them at the peak of your love. it can only go downhill. while if you have an arranged marrige, the love can only go uphill.' then someone in the class raised her hand and said that her parents had an arranged marrige, while her aunt chose who she married. her aunt got a divorce after a few years, and her parents are still married

it's actually very hard to argue with that logic. take the extremely high divorce rates for example as compared with places where arranged marriges are legal (i think it's still legal in india). so, what're your thoughts? personally, i don't know where i stand anymore. i mean, on the one hand, arranged marriges are a HUGE invasion of freedom by your family. on the other hand, logically, it seems to make sense.

Ask yourself this question:

How are divorces handled in countries that still have arranged marriages? I'd suggest looking into the laws regarding them, and the social stigma that it carries.

Then you'll have your answer as to why the divorce rate is much less.

I don't see how it's hard to argue with the logic of arranged marriages. In an arranged marriage, there's no guarantee that you'll love or even like the person that you marry. If you love them...then there is no guarantee that you'll stay together for the rest of your life, but at least you are the one choosing the person with whom you may fail.

i believe (i might research/ask someone who knows later) that the divorces in those countries are the same as the US

about your second point: it's also true that you don't know if you'll love or even like the person you choose to marry 5 days from now. and, although you are choosing the person who you might fail with in marrige, it can be much worse to fall in love, get married, and have the marrige slowly disintigrate over a period of years to the point where neither person can stand the other as opposed to having the person chosen for you, neither of you end up falling in love, either you can live with each other amicably or you just don't like each other at all, and you divorce with generally less (or no) hard feelings.

i'm not saying everyone's marrige should be arranged. i'm just saying that there is a certain logic to it.

well, my parents had an arranged marriage, as did my sister and (of sorts) my brother. Well, I don't know if arranged is the right word, one of my friends always jumps down my neck when I use it. "guided" is preferred. Basically, you DO spend time with that person before YOU decide. The end choice is yours, just your parents have to approve of it... I don't know about me. At first I didn't mind it at all, but now i think HOW are my parents EVER going to find someone for me. They just can't wholly approve...

The thing about the lower divorce rate. That is true. If you look in England the proportional percentage of divorces amongst guided marriages is lower than that amongst love marriages. I think that the idea is that in a guided marriage, you learn to respect and love them

You honestly think that in a country that is so traditional in its beliefs that arranged marriages still happen that there isn't a social stigma carried with divorce?

Here's a helpful little passage I found regarding that very problem in India (taken from this webpage):


As for the laws governing divorce, well those are different too..at least in India. I couldn't think of any other countries off the top of my head that still practiced arranged marriage.

Under the special marriage act of India, these are the grounds on which you can get a divorce (taken from this webpage):



There's also a Hindu Marriage Act that applies only to Hindus...but the wording is much the same as the Special Marriage Act.

So, if your spouse has done none of these things, and they don't also want a divorce from you...then you're just out of luck. Very different from America, where you can divorce your spouse without their consent and without them having done anything wrong (it takes longer, but you CAN do it, at least).

So, no. I still don't see the logic behind it and I think that the lower divorce rate proves absolutely nothing. I can't imagine myself being happy in an arranged marriage. I'd rather make my own choices..even if that does mean risking heartbreak.

I think your mixing up arranged marriages (which happen a lot in the Uk amongst various Ethnic communities) and forced marriage which is a very different thing.

In the UK, and India a bride or groom (as it's not just women, though in some ways men do have more freedoms) will usually meet four or five prospective partners that are thought of as suitable and make a choice from those. In the UK you'll find that divorce rates amongst arranged marriages are less per capita than those among people who choose their partners.

To turn around and say "arranged marriages are bad because they lead to abuse" ,which seems the tacit implication, is nonsense. They make us feel uncomfortable because we see it as impeding on people's freedoms, but if you're community works this way then 99% of the time it's something you'll know about and look forward to. the vast majority of people in arranged marriages I've come across are very happy.

Abuse is unacceptable whether you met your husband/wife via an arrangement or through the personal ads. Forcing someone to do something they really don't want to do is wrong but if it works for you then who are we to criticise a diffferent culture.

I should imagine our meatmarket/clubscene/drink-as-much-beer-as-you-can-and- then-fuck culture seems equally barbaric from the outside.

RJ

Happy little DA

When did I even imply that arranged marriages are bad and they lead to abuse?

I didn't. So if that comment was directed at me, you misread my post.

I also never said that they were wrong. I just don't happen to understand the logic behind them, and I think that the low divorce rate is misleading because of the social stigma attached to divorce -- especially for women (at least in India).

It's not aimed at anyone, just a general devils advocate post to state the other side of it.

RJ

Personally, I think that arranged marriages... well. See... uh. If people truly marry at the high point of their love, who's saying you have to limit your love? Can't you love them even more? And you may be stuck through an arranged marriage with someone you completely clash with. Even if you do divorce someone you choose, at least you knew that you made your own choice and didn't have to divorce someone who was chosen for you... uh, yeah. If that made sense...

see that's where you're wrong, it IS your choice. Not your parents, YOURS. The 'match' just have to be approved of by your family. That doesn't mean that you marry whom they choose. If you like someone, then they could be brought forward, and be 'approved of'. Some call that a love marriage, but I've always believed a love marriage is when you marry someone regardless of your family's blessing or not.

Now if someone is going to say, but I don't care about my family's wishes when it comes around to my life, sure thing, but really a lot of the time, when you're brought up in a really close-knit household (which most Paki/Indian families are) you would generally want to keep their approval, as it would cause a split. If you're not, then obviously, you're going to care about it less...

Also its pretty much it for Muslims who can't date...

Aysha xxx

Ahhh okay.

Thanks for clearing that up for me.

I was thinking arranged marriage = forced marriage. That's what springs to mind when I hear the term, anyway....as in marrying someone your family has chosen that you possibly haven't even met. THAT is what I don't understand the logic behind.

I can, however, understand wanting your family's approval of who you marry.

There should be another word for the kind of marriage you're talking about, because that doesn't really seem "arranged" to me....Hmm. Perhaps a love marriage with approval? I don't know. But if it's your choice, then it isn't "arranged" by your family....they just approve it. So I don't think that the term "arranged" really fits.

CommieBastard: Answering Quotes With Other Quotes Since 2003

^^^ yeah to repeat, one of my friends is REALLY picky about this. She HATES it when I call it an arranged marriage, she prefers guided, as obviously people don't make the same assumptions that they do with it being called arranged...its quite weird really in just how worked up she used to get about this...

Aysha xxx