My friend Ellice (well, ex-friend) let on that she's been talking to her ex-boyfriend Jesse. Normally, this wouldn't effect me either way, but this ex-boyfriend is abusive (mentally and physically) and used her only for sex. My friend/ex-girlfriend Andrea is now dating Jesse. I told her that I hate him and want to kill or cripple him (and I seriously do) because he's abusive. I also told me that he's unable to maintain an erection just as a way to embarass him (which I have on severaly occasions).

But this thread isn't about Jesse or Ellice or Andrea. What gets me is how so many females (not just Andrea and Ellice) date guys who don't treat them properly and/or abuse them and/or only use them for sex. Psychologically, I say this: These females have either no or poor father figures or come from broken homes. They then have no concept of what to find in a good mate. As they reach maturity, they become attatched to males thet show only basic interest in them i.e. guys who want sex. Usually, they have male friends who give them proper love and attention (and would throw themselves infront of a train at their whim), but when one of these friends wants to have a romantic relation i.e. "take it to the next level" with one of these females, she, who has no concept of what real love is, doesn't know how to process this alien notion and rejects the friend (this has happened to me on several occasions). One of my shrinks told me that he's seen it a million times. Situations like this lead to unhealthy marriage lives and, therefore, spawn more relationships like this in the future. It breaks my heart to think about this. It gaets really bad sometimes. Harmonie, for instance, has a dad (whom she's had to talk to me out of murdering) who abused and neglected her. This caused her to reject men sexually save the ones who either treat her like crap or she could could control (except for me, who loves and cares for her the way she deserves). What are your thoughts on this? I think it's a good (and important) topic to discuss considering we are talking about our girlfriends, sisters, daughters, nieces and friends here.

It's not only women who get into abusive relationships. It happens to men as well. Most of the time you don't even realize with guys, because they're so ashamed that they tend to hide it better. But it isn't a problem that is exclusive to women.

Also, one might also ask the question as to why men like the sort your friends date feel the need to treat women in such a way. What sort of psychological motivation do they have?

I don't think it's fair to say "What is wrong with women?" Getting out of an abusive relationship is extremely hard, and it's easier to get pulled into one than you may think. Don't judge till you've been through it.

You may take offence from this Righteous, but I mean it in the nicest of ways. If you're the exception for Harmony are you sure that you're not an abuser? Being a person who has been with plenty of abusers none of them realized that they were abusers, it's just something that they did.

I think on this particular issue it's more of something that's wrong with both individuals involved. People who have been abused do get drawn to people who abuse, and yes being involved with someone who doesn't abuse you does seem foreign and hard to deal with. Sometimes it's hard though to tell. I thought my last relationship was one where I had finally hooked up with a guy who wouldn't skrew me over, but he did, and worse than any of the rest.

So now I'm personally just a lonely paranoid spinster who's afraid to get close to anyone anymore, and will probably be that way for a long time.

I have to agree with the ladies on this, it's really not fair to pin this on the women totally (and you have by the title of the thread), i know from experience, this one guy i know of, he's a nice, charming, funny, intelligent bloke, but sometimes something goes inside his head he is evil incarnate, now my mum is attracted to the first bloke but hates the second, she want's to beleive he can and will change but he never will, course theres no physical abuse, that i or anyone else knows of, if there were he'd be in intensive care faster than you can say "iron bar to the head" and that doesn't stand from me and is entirely not the point, now my mum knows it'd be best for her never to see or hear from this guy again but still she talks to him etc in hopes that he'll change....


i'm also quite affronted you insinutated my grandfather was a bad father to her.....twat

i agree with everyone else, u cany just say gurls are mistreated altho it is more oftne women get mistreated then guys... but to answer your question...


i think women get into abusive relatio ships when they were mistreated by men (ie: fathrs, grandfathers, brothers etc) in their life, so they dont know anything but that tipe of love. They reject the other men (sweet ones that are porbably right for them) becuase they dont know that love, and that is not what they see as love. To them (maybe) love is abusive and it hurts, mentaly and physicaly.... they dont know the kind, gentle love.... having been in abusive relatioships and been abused, its hard for me to accept the kinder gentler love becuase i know the hardcore, hit u in the face love... and that's all i know becuase thsat was what i was tought. and its hard as hell to gte out of absive relatioships... it is really really hard. and it is hard to not keep running to that kind of guy.. u get used to it, its fimilar and a habbit that is hard to break

I'm a bit put off by how Righteous is blaming the women for being in abusive relationships. Seems like blaming the victim more than anything else.

This used to happen alot in cases that involved rape. If a woman was raped when she was drunk or was wearing revealing clothes or was on a date, it was seen as justified in some way. Somehow the woman must have been asking for it. That kind of attitude is sickening and to a large degree it has been done away with, but there are people who still blame the victim for things that other people do.

That being said, I have to agree with Righteous on the rest of it.

/me ducks stones

I only say that because of personal experience. I was abused by a male relative when I was little and ever since then I've been attracted to the same type of personality that he had. I've only gone out with one guy who didn't have that personality and that was mostly out of logic (he's a good person, he'll be good for me) than attraction. So, now like Lo said "I'm personally just a lonely paranoid spinster who's afraid to get close to anyone anymore, and will probably be that way for a long time."

However it is not just a woman's problem. People have a type that they're attracted to and they'll stick to that, no matter how stupid or nonsensical it is.

I think that it can be because they were abused as a child, but it doesn't have to be. People from really happy, well adjusted homes can end up in abusive relationships.

It can and does happen to all sorts of people...for various reasons, I'm sure.

Well, I hate to seem like I'm blaming the victim. To be completely honest, I'd like to beat the living crap out of any guy who takes advantage of these types of women. I've had long discussions with both of my parents on this. Accordng to my dad, it's an innate desire to change one's mate. He told me he can still see a little bit of it in my mom, though not enough for it to be any real problem (he too dissects people psychologically). My mom describes it as a mental barrier which someone has to overcome (hopefully not by having a kid the way she did ). I say that no matter what psychology says, it breaks my heart. I see it all around me and it makes me want to cry. My sister was the same way (a little) until she made amends with my dad (she was a wild child) and read a lot of books on relationships. Now, I mean no offense or insinuations to any. There are those who break the cycle (like my mom) but I don't see it a lot in my day-to-day life. Maybe I'm just cynical...

As for Harm, well, she told me on several occassions I was different. Before me, she kept guys she dated at arms length. I, somehow, got closer to her than any guy she dated before. I think it scared her a little since we dated twice and got engaged and she was the one who ended both under very mysterious cicumstances even she doesn't know. We're still really close friends and that's all that really matters. There are parts of our relationship I find odd and am trying to look into, but as for now, I'm content with it.

And Candice is right (wow, we're in agreement ). I was in an abusive relationship once (and I came from a well-adjusted home). Her name was Courtney. She would make fun of me and belittle me in front of my friends and she used her sexuality to help insure that I stayed with her (but I'm partially to blame, and I do...every damn day). On a lighter note, Harm and I would always joke about how she wore the pants in our relationship. We imagined that we'd be on an episode of 'Cops' where they were called in on a domestic and when they'd pull up, I'd run out of the house holding my eye rambling about how she went crazy after she came home from work and dinner wasn't on the table.

And as for rape and all that, it doesn't matter what my sisters or my friends wear. If anyone touches them in any matter they don't like, there will be HELL to pay.

Low self esteem gets girls into bad relationships... It's easy for people on the outside looking in to tell that it's bad, but the girl would see the times he's "sweet" -whether it's lying, making promises he won't keep, or what. Some girls think they deserve it and start to blame themselves like, "oh, I shouldn't have made him angry"...and stuff like that. It's awful... Okay...I really gotsa get back to homework...been postponing...again...

That was one of the things that kept me with Courtney, low self-esteem and utter denile of the obvious.

I just had a revelation. I've stated before that I've been in a relationship where I was used and mistreated (God damn Courtney). I just realized that it wasn't just Courtney. A lot of my friends are chicks. A lot of these females are like the ones I've described in my first post. Apparently, these chicks are not only used; they also use. It's as if they have the mentality of "you gotta use if you're nt being used." Sure they liked that I was a nice guy that would throw myself in front of a train for them, but they took me for granted and didn't appreciate me. I remember my friend Andrea (during the time between she was my best friend and the time she was my worst enemy) taking advantage of the fact that I loved her to mess with me. My brother Tim once asked, "Why do you do this to James?" and she replied, "Because it's fun." Being the pussy that I am, I just took it all. When I finally confronted her about this all, she ceased to talk with me (we eventually patched things up, but we'll never be as close as we once were). I take way too much crap from my female friends, even with the fact that I'm a loving and accepting guy. I guess I know so much about being used because I've been used by my friends and a few girlfriends (Courtney was just the worst). It isn't just females who have this problem. God, this is depressing. In any case, there's way too much pf people using people in this world. I hate it. A lot of men and women hate it. And I personally will do all that I can to not perpetuate it.

Well late as usual in a thread like this I see

It is true, people with low self esteems are more likely to get into this relationships from hell. Notice I do not say guy or girl because it is also true (as stated before) that it happens to both genders.

Another thing I read was how a son or daughter brought up in a family can affect how they choose a mate. I was close to my dad when i was toddler to young childhood, but around 7ish, 8ish years old, we werent really that close, I was more close to my mother (fact is stated that children seem to connect more with the same sex parent). By the time I wanted to get close to my dad, it was too late pretty much Don't worry this is leading somewhere).

Now the only things I remember from my dad were he was a good man who helped people in his job, and was lucky at the slots, acording to my mother . I really do not recall much. When I started wanting a relationship, I think seeing others in relationships and wanting someone all my life who understood me was the main thing. I found that obviously.

Need I digress. My situation with father daughter bonding was not much. The point I was TRYING to make is that father, grandfather, uncle or overall whole family might not effect the relationship style the person in question has.

As for views on abusive people...similar to Righteous, I want to beat them down as much as he would. I know Jonathan would agree with that. I am sure most of them do not really have a reason for acting like they do besides being REALLY insecure about themselves. Now if people learn from their wrongs, then that's good al lthe power to them...sadly most don't.

Well I think that's all my two cents. Not bad eh