**** ~

I hope you don't take anything I'm going to say the wrong way. It's just that recently I've noticed that I've been trying to cheer you up (discreetly), be nice, or just talk to you and you either get mad or something. I know you're busy, but sometimes I feel like I can't even talk to you anymore because I'm afraid you'll scream at me or something. I know it's a bit stupid, but it's like I'm intimidated by you. o_o; I heard you were finally getting back into a good mood, and that's great, and I don't want to ruin that, but ... yeah. Something in our friendship isn't working right anymore. We rarely talk, and when we do it isn't always a pleasant conversation. It's been on my mind for a while and I want us to still be friends and actually be able to talk to each other civilly. Heh.

I would have snail mailed this to you instead so you could see it in my own writing, but then it wouldn't get to you fast enough for my liking.

I hope you realize that I've actually been going to your blogs very often lately (at least for three months or so) and almost always daily, even though it doesn't seem like it and even though sometimes I don't comment. I still care, and always have, even though I used to not go to your blog that much.

By the way, this might piss you off or make you blow up, but there's something screwy with your domain. I hope it hasn't been hacked. And if it has, I'm more than happy to help you get it back together.

~*~
always, Lizzie

Liz ~

The deal is this. School frustrates me. Stress has killed my brain. Lack of sleep has worn me out to the brink of exhaustion. And if the latter was my own fault, if I was voluntarily staying up until 2 in the morning, I would take responsibility and not complain. But it's not.. I don't sleep well at night and then get up at an ungodly hour in the morning, and as a result, since the very first day of school, my patience has increasingly been wearing thin and thready. I hate making excuses, but in this case it is true; I am simply not able to deal with things well as long as this schoolyear is continuing. My existence is composed of two things: school, and trying to find sufficient time to rest/sleep. Fitting everything else in (and there's a damn lot of it) is, to put it bluntly, fucking near impossible. I am a person who is capable of high ranges of emotion, and I easily become attached to routines and patterns. Well, my life has had no real good routine or pattern. I started out the year with one, but it simply got lost, and as a result I'm having to deal with a lot more chaos than I'm used to, as well as the emotional ramifications of not having a routine to hold on to. I am TIRED every minute that I am awake, have little patience, and my life is chaos. I try to avoid confrontations and arguments with people because I simply cannot deal with the added stress and chaos, so I just stuff down my hurt, but after a while this ceases to work, and so I begin to avoid the people altogether.

Then lately there have been things, usually little things, that you've been doing that annoy me. And yes, they are little things, and yes, I try to move on and not take notice. But when you have little patience to begin with, and when the little things just start to add up, it just doesn't work!

If you truly want to know... first, there's the website-related things. It's hard for me to put this in a non-offensive manner, but.. you're a copier, Liz. You see others using styles or concepts, and you go and imitate them yourself. And I know.. that especially on the web, this happens a lot, and everyone is guilty of it at some point or another. But, seriously.. everyone who knows me well knows that I have the artist's complex. I take my creative ideas very seriously and can't deal with it when people copy them. So when I go and spend four hours, with help from a few friends, to code up a PHP modules script, and as soon as you have access to the code you download it and start using it on your sites.. I can't easily deal with that. When I go to e-b.com all excited that I have an idea for a group fiction/fanfiction network site and you post saying something along the lines of going to create your own.. (and do you realize how many times you really put down my idea in that thread? "it's not so unique" and that kind of thing?) these are just examples.

And then, when I'm already upset with all these web things... one day I get online to find that you've started to become all buddy-buddy with some of my friends like Lisa and Muse. I'll be the first to admit I'm a very possessive person, but also, I did not think it was truly necessary for you to think it was your place to mediate in a conflict between Muse and I, whether it exists or not. Muse and I have been friends far longer than you and she may have, and are perfectly capable of figuring out these things by ourselves.

And now the thing with Tom... hostee Tom, Nomad, not the other one. It's difficult for me to put this into words ~ but I feel like you're trying to imitate me even in your relationship with him. Not that I really know him at all. What I'm talking about is my relationship with the other Tom, Elfstone. (And this has nothing to do with them having the same name, it's just coincidence.) It took a lot for me to try to explain what kind of relationship I share with him. I have only been an observer of you and Nomad, but.. I honestly feel like you're trying to be exactly like I am with Elf, but instead it's you with him. This is just a feeling ~ please don't start attacking me if this is not the case.

As far as the blogs are concerned, I don't care how often or how little you comment, but don't lie saying you're reading it and keeping up with it and then really not doing so. (I'm not accusing you of lying ~ just listing another peeve as a warning.) I know my entries may be longer than you are accustomed to reading, even than you have time to read. Unfortunately I tend to be long-winded like that, and unfortunately since neither of us has much time, there is no real other way to keep up with the goings-on of my life. I leave it up to you how you want to deal with this.

Understand, I'm not trying to accuse you of anything, I'm simply trying to let you see things from my perspective. I know I'm not completely innocent in this conflict, at all, and am probably causing more harm than before by being so petty and nonconfrontational. However, it simply can't be helped. Unless my life suddenly falls back into place and things start to go back to being structured and I can finally BREATHE (and sleep) again, it's simply something we will have to work around.

I'm running out of time, but I want to add this: Liz, you are a wonderful, talented, unique, beautiful individual, and our friendship means more to you than you might ever fathom. However, there are two things. One.. I don't know how to put this modestly, but I know that you idolize me. But if you know me, you know that I care not much for flattery (praise is nice, but flattery starts to.. get up there). Imitation and flattery are also separate things. Liz, I'd much rather you be your individual self, even if you do have faults or traits that maybe I or another person cannot stand. I don't want you to conform for the sake of our friendship, and I'd rather be friends with an individual than, well, a groupie. (That sounded so vain ~ sorry. Not much time to think about word choice.)

Secondly, the cutting thing. I can't help but say that it disappoints me that you are using such measures to mutilate yourself for pleasure. You are a young lady that is wise beyond her years, and I know you to be smarter than that.

Again, please PLEASE do not take umbrage at this. You're my little sister, Liz, and even when I may avoid everyone because I can't deal with the chaos in my life, know that beneath it all, I do care. And think, for a second, that half the conflicts may be BECAUSE I care so much. Then try to see things from my perspective.

I have to run or my head will be chopped off, but please, read this over and think on it before you reply.

Love ya like a sister (lylas),

~ ****

Any advice at all will be greatly appreciated. I mean, I want something else other than "email something back" or "talk to her" or something. I guess... I don't know. I'm just totally hopeless in this situation and I hope you guys can and will help. *sigh*

You've caught me there, Liz. I really think the only thing you can do is talk to her....and i'm sorry if, like you said, that does'nt help. You two are friends, so I hope you work this out. Other than that, I have no advice. x_X

Instead of seeing those likenesses as similarities, she thinks I idolize her and I'm a huge copier.

Some of the things she said I copied from her are false.

I can understand her frustration

Instead of seeing those likenesses as similarities, she thinks I idolize her and I'm a huge copier. She's spent 75% of the email talking about how I'm a copier,