This is a thread where if you have any issues you need to discuss or anything at all related to Dayan. This is a place to comfort one another and to reach understanding. A place to help one another out. This is all going to be really hard for everyone but this is the place to vocalize those feelings.

Relating to Dayan? Has something happened?

Look in Daily Life, Weej.

Sean's thread entitled: "Urgent -- please read."

Meanwhile, I think this is a great idea, Aries. It's always helpful at times like this for people to have a place to express their feelings. Right now I can't express mine...I just...don't have the words. I'll probably go off, play Pixies music really loudly and write some very bad poetry to try and come to grips with what I'm feeling right now.

He generally gave me a different outlook on life. I saw all these people around me, and then there he was, a happy and wise person. I can't...think of anything to say. My deepest condolences to his family and all forumers who knew him well.

I can't believe this. this is horrible... I knew he was going through alot of stuff but I just wish he would've I don't know... This is such a shck I can't believe it.. Why would he do something like this ? doesn't he know? Why would he do this tohimself? Doesn't he know? I don't get it... I don't understand. Why did he have to do this? I don't understand.. I know I'm rambling. I just hate this. I hate that I feel so powerless. That there's nothing that I can do, and there's nothing that any of us can do anymore for him. He's gone. didn't he know? Didn't he know that he could've talked to any of us? He could've phoned me any time. He was saying that he was going to phone me soon. I only talked to him the one time. I don't understand. Wyh would he do this? I was afraid that he was going to do this but it's hard to talk about. why didn't I say something? Why was I such a fuking coward that I didn't say anything?

There is never a good answer to those types of questions. I don't think there's anything anyone could have done. But I could be wrong. I wish I had been there. I've been thinking about Dayan a lot while I was away from the forums. I should've come back sooner. That's whats going through my head right now, but still...theres nothing that could've been done.

I'm just in shock, thinking about it makes me sick to my stomach...I can't believe that he'd do that, I didn't suspect anything

Scheizer. I read his blog only a few days ago. Dammit, I feel like I should have known or something, which is utterly stupid. I barely knew him and I've seen too many angst-ridden blogs to take his seriously. And the worst part is, I find it really hard to express myself in situations like this. I'm one of those people who crack bad jokes at funerals, and I find myself doing again and again. Being suitably emotionally repressed for a Briton, I find it extremely hard to express my feelings or comfort other people. I hate things like death. It means I have to be solemn and sensitive - two traits you may have noticed I do not own in large quantities. Euch, then I go to bed and kick myself and twist and turn with self-loathing.
Ah, and I also think only about myself. Nice one, Alex. Ignore the main theme of the thread and go on another teen ego-trip. *Sigh*

It's okay, Polo. We all deal with things in different ways. I've known quite a few people who crack jokes and laugh when they're upset. Don't worry about it. It doesn't mean you're a bad person or that you're trying to twist things to be about you. I don't think so, at least.

Me, I deal with it by crying. Lots and lots of crying. And of course, the bad poetry.

Thanks Cand, you're a great person.

Anytime, Polo...and thank you. If I can say anything that is of even the slightest comfort to you (or to anyone, for that matter), then I'm glad. No one should feel guilty for how they deal with grief. You're a funny guy...it makes sense that you'd deal with it by being funny. It doesn't mean that you hurt any less or anything.

A poem which I feel appropriate, not for Dayan, but for us:

Out of the night that covers me
Black as the pit from pole to pole
I thank whatever gods may be
For my unconquerable soul.

I the fell clutch of circumstance
I have not winced nor cried aloud
Under the bludgeonings of chance
My head is bloody but unbowed.

Beyond this place of wrath and tears
Looms but the Horror of the shade,
And yet the menace of the years
Finds, and shall find, me unafraid.

It matters not how strait the gate
How charged wit hpunishments the scroll,
I am the master of my fate:
I am the captain of my soul.

hmm that is how i deal w. stuff too. Except i don't write poetry..just letters to God.

dayans song

out back there is a field
you can see when tiger lilies bloom
where the sun always shines
the trees carry a breeze
in this place is you and me
your hazy touch still on my heart
I know it’s the passing part
but my place is here
and yours up there
sit with me this day
let the sun shine our way
feel it warm my hair one more time
you promise to laugh at my silly rhyme
but your dusty boots need gravel
and this worlds all out, so it time to travel
my heart wants to tag along
but here with the lilies is where I belong
but Ill wrap myself in your smile
and hold your laugh close at night
it isn’t much but its what I got
and enough to hold me this tight

Her green plastic watering can
For her fake chinese rubber plant
In fake plastic earth.
That she bought from a rubber man
In a town full of rubber plants
Just to get rid of itself.
And it wears her out, it wears her out
It wears her out, it wears her out.

She lives with a broken man
A cracked polystyrene man
Who just crumbles and burns.
He used to do surgery
For girls in the eighties
But gravity always wins.
And it wears him out, it wears him out
It wears him out, it wears him out.

She looks like the real thing
She tastes like the real thing
My fake plastic love.
But I can’t help the feeling
I could blow through the ceiling
If I just turn and run
And it wears me out, it wears me out
It wears me out, it wears me out.

And if I could be who you wanted
If I could be who you wanted,
All the time, all the time, ohhh... ohh...

When he was missing, that song made me feel like him.

syuu...that song makes me think of him too...right now im playing
debaser
fake plastic trees
i beleive in a thing called love.

i miss dayan so much. i hate it when people die, no matter whether or not they were close to me. i just hope i have the strength to hold on now...for everyone elses sake...

I didn't know as well as I probably should have Dayan...and I was counting on too many things to happen first... but...

Every step I take
Every move I make
Every single day, Every time I pray
I'll be missing you
Thinking of the day
When you went away
What a life to take
What a bond to break
I'll be missing you

Its kinda hard with you not around
I know you're in Heaven shining down
Watchin' us while we pray for you
Everyday we pray for you
Till the day we meet again
In my heart is were I keep you friend
Memories give me the strength I need to proceed
Strength I need to believe
...

Somebody tell me why
On that morning, when this life is over
I know
I'll see your face
Every night I pray
Every step I take
Every single day
Every night I pray
I'll be missing you

I do the same thing myself. At times like this you remember the person in question. That needn't mean moping - in fact in many ways you are remembering them well by making the jokes you both would have had a guilty laugh about. It seems to me that it's a very good way of thinking of them personally.

i honestly dont know what to say. Losing Dayan has put a hole in many of our hearts, and i sympathize with Dayan's parents... Im sorry for our loss. Dayan was a truley wonderful person and he will be missed terribly. The best we can do is keep him in our hearts and his memory alive. I've sat here all day, crying, getting sick to my stomach, shaking, hurting all over becuase of the loss. and i know many of us have done the same. He was a big part of our family and I miss him so much. Learning of his death tears me up inside, and i've cried endless hours todae, out of no where. I miss you terribly Dayan, u are forever in my heart
-Krys

::i miss you dayan::

im just...at a complete loss...ive spent most of yesterday and today so far in tears, i didnt want to be alone so i went out and that didnt work out too well so my boyfriend stayed with me til i'd cried myself to sleep, i got a text during the night and for a second i let myself wonder if it might be dayan. everytime i check my email or the forums i wonder if he'll be here. even tohugh ive spoken to his family i still think its some sick joke. i just...i dont know...i cant accept it...he cant be gone...we were just starting to talk again, starting to open up and give each other advice and, i thought, support. but it was too late and now he's gone. forever. i feel so hollow, like theres a part of me missing. i want to tell him once more how much i care for him and how ill always love him, i'll never forget.

That's possibly one of the most painful things about this, I can't accept that I'm going to see "Carpe Tobaccum (Offline)" every time I sign into msn..
If anything this has made me want to get closer to the people I care about, I tend to stay on the sidelines and just be content in the knowledge that they're there, but if they're not anymore I guess it's harder for me to accept that and deal with it when they were so distant.

Thats what I've been dealing with too. I keep expecting Carpe Tobaccum sign on or better yet....debaser777 on slsk for some good ol file raping. *sighs* i just dont know what to feel. yesterday i was pretty set in stone in my feelings...but i've stayed up all night now and i cant sort my emotions out. i dont know what to think or feel.

I want to thank you all so much for being here for me and for caring. Especially Aries, Hannah and Brett[e]...I love you three so, so much. Thank you. I couldn't have gotten through yesterday without you.

I love you so much, Sean. I wish I could have been more helpful but I really didn't know what to say... I just hope you're all right.

I know. At times I feel like that too. I just think...please let this be a joke....please...I won't even be mad, just let it be a damn joke.

I know that eventually the reality will set in though. Even if I lived in England, I probably still wouldn't go to the funeral. I just...can't take them. My dad always forced me when I was younger because he saw it as a sign of respect, but I just can't handle going to them.

To say goodbye, I usually write the person a letter. Then I do what we did for my cousin when he died. He was half Native American, so he wanted to be cremated outside because they believe that allows the spirit to rise directly to heaven or something like that...but he wasn't part of a reservation, so they wouldn't let him. So we all got candles that were meant to represent him, stood outside, and blew them out towards the sky. I was only 12 or 13 at the time, and it always stuck with me as a good way to say goodbye.

Never try to sleep when you're grieving. The night extends tenfold and it's so lonely that it hurts. "Restless" doesn't even begin to describe my sleep...

God, I need a hug.

i know how you feel rachel...and i wish i could be there for everyone who needs a hug right now but the best i can do is to let you know that there are many of here who understand what you're going through...

*hugs*

Thats really beautiful. Thats a really nice way to remember someone.

And Sean, you are such a brave person. I admire you a lot.

As you may or may not have noticed, when i'm not away from my computer i'm here, and as i'm not away from my computer much (lectures and shopping are pretty much the only times at the moment) i figured if anyone wants to talk to me...about anything, i have every IM under the sun...well pretty much, just so you know i'm here, pass on some of the support i have, and i have a lot

thanks SPS. the same goes for me everyone, im here for you if you need to talk. or i may end up IMing you first! so beware

like sps if anyone needs me i have every im so if anyone need to talk to somone one on one about this im always here, after losing my mom and my cousin i can undersand what everyone will be going threw in the next several days. so if anyone needs anyone to talk to about anything at all PLEASE feel free to im me at any time, im always on the computer.

Yes, I'll be away for the holiday trip (thanksgiving) to see family... It won't be the same... but i can try and sneak on-line and check on PM's and IM's if anyone wants to talk, or just use me as a sounding board... get things off your chest and such... I'm more than happy to offer myself to you.


::::::: HUGSS :::::::::::::

I have the same problem with sleeping. I think I slept maybe 4 hours last night, if that. And my dreams were..odd. I dreamed that we had a blizzard here. I trudged through the snow and wind to my mailbox...it took me a long time even though it's a really short walk. When I got there, I had a letter from Dayan. This didn't strike me as odd in the dream...I just sat down in the snow and read it right there. I don't remember what it said. I really wish I could, for some desperate reason.

I don't know why, but I always get scared at night whenever someone close to me dies. I think it stems from my early experiences with death when I was little..I don't know. I just feel terrified...and so sad that it hurts.

Like others offered before, if anyone needs to talk, feel free to PM me. I'll even give ya my number if you really want..though I'm not very good at that sort of thing. But I know sometimes how nice it can be just to hear the friendly voice of someone who is going through the grief with you...so the offer is there should anyone need it. It's looking like my family from WA won't be coming out for Thanksgiving cause of the weather..so I'll be around a lot.

And Missy, like I said last night...even though it's over the Internet and 1,000 miles away....*big hugs*

to me, todae is harder then yesterdae was... yesterdae i woudlnt accept it, i thought it was just a joke, i only understood while i was in the shower, and i cried myself to sleep becuase it wasnt only an emotional pain, its physical...... but todae? seeing everyone at school, trying to talk to everyone, i just broke down. I ended up sitting outside all of my clases, crying to myself, or to my REALLY good frends. And every time a teacher or anyone would ask me if i was ok, i would break down again, and.. i just.. its hard to imagine part of my family, OUR family...leaving us like that. I keep thinking i'll see him on YIM or on here... but i know it wont happen, altho i keep trying my hardest to believe it will.... Sean, even tho i dont know you very well, i want to say i am very proud of you and im here if you need me. Im here for anyone and everyone. it saddens me to think that we all came together over somthing so tragic, but im happy that we are all finaly together.. at least in spirit.... *hugs everyone* love you all


::i miss you dayan::

I'm with magick that today was a lot harder than yesterday. Yesterday it just wasn't real to me and today it became that way. I hardly slept, I haven't really eaten and I just feel like a zombie.

I had to work today as well which was just horrible. I told the girl I give a ride to what was wrong, because I was early getting her since I stopped off to get some coffee since I hardly slept. I told her please not to bring it up during the day because I just needed to make it through the day of work without breaking down. It was the longest day I've worked in a long time and we closed early for tomorrow's holiday. Perhaps I'll appologize to my boss for my zombie like manner on Friday if I can pull myself together by then. It's really hard to smile and say, "Have a happy Thanksgiving!" to customers when you're fighting back tears all day. I don't remember the last time I've cried this much.

On a side note, any 24 fans, if you didn't watch the show last night, don't watch it. There are just some things in it that make it hard to even deal with this reality of Dayan's passing.

I wish I could have told him how much he meant to me before he left. Sometimes I think he just didn't totally know what a big part of this world he is to me. I think a lot of people don't know.

Like others have said, if anyone needs to talk feel free to PM me, I'll try and help any way I can.

people started putting song tributes here....i'd like to add one, i know he called them a second rate nickleback....but i like it

Lullaby

I like it too, SPS. It's...comforting. ty for posting it.

I took a few things to help me into sleep, I'm fairly sure that's why I couldn't remember much of any dreams.

I can't remember when I did close my eyes though.

Today was definitely harder than yesterday. I kept forgetting that he had died for a moment then remembering all over again. I don't know how many times that happened today, but it's enough. I felt like a zombie all day. I was having trouble doing everything.

I miss you Dayan. I don't even care anymore if this was a big joke. I wouldn't be mad or anything. I just really want it to be. I wish it was. I know it isn't.

the silence today was absolutely frustrating.

thank god for phones, free long distance and a sympathetic ear.

Yep, tell me about it.

You've no idea how much that helped me, just talking about random crap. The hubby worked all day today...so it was silent except for my typing, music, and meows from the kitty. It was good to hear an actual voice after so much silence.

Tuesday afternoon was a complete blur - but yesterday an today I'm havin a really hard time tryin to concentrate on anythin... most annoyin as I've got loads o work to get done, an I can't even muster up the meagre enthusiasm I have for this job to help me get it finished.

I spoke to one of me RL friends yesterday, he noticed straight away that I was down about summat. He had a friend that did much the same thing, so he understands how it feels - which is good, but I'm not sure I can handle talkin about it just yet.

An to cap it all, me eldest daughter was watchin The Bill, an there was one scene where the shot was, well, just a bit too close to the bone for me right now...

Anyways, if anyone wants to offload or whatever, please feel free to email me.

Missy, i doubt I'll be able to phone you being as long distance calls are hellishly expensive over...but if you feel like calling me up and having a chin wag, just PM me and I'll pass on my number.



I saw that too Leo. I thought the same thoughts as well.
As I've said to Missy, feel free to call me. You have my number. It was really nice speaking on the phone to you the other day, even if we were both a bit quiet at the time.

on my cell phone i can call anyone (i have free long distance and i can call europe for pretty cheep) so if anyone wants to talk just give me the number... other then that my most norma way of dealing with somthing is to completly avoid thinking about it for several mounths after the first shock.... i guess im just weired

I never thought I would be attacked for grieving, but I've been proven wrong.

Last night my mom started yelling at me about being on the computer and that I was crying. It was ignored for a while, and then I politely asked her to please just stop because I was having a pretty awful already.

The whole thing ended up a huge fight of screaming at me because my sadness for Dayan apparently proved that I had "No loyalties to my family" and a few other particularly nasty remarks. That woman said some horrible things about Dayan, and if anything else hasn't cemented my idea that she's cold, unfeeling, and nothing short of a terrible bitch, doing this while I'm trying to get over a death is even worse. I now owe her for the phone bill where I contacted Aries the day I found out, I'm now trying to find arrangements to live somewhere else because I'm "selfishly taking advantage of her" by missing a day of school the day I found out about this.

I'm not joking. This is a bit much for me. And the woman having that much audacity to chew me out, threaten to hit me and kick me out, and belittle me now is frightening.

That's all I needed. To get that out.

And for anyone wanting to exchange numbers, I can't use long distance, but I will try and get a phone card. PM for anything.

Syuu, you are the sweetest, nicest person I know. You do not deserve the life that fate has handed you. Your mother sounds like one of the worst people in the world. Please, please don't do anything stupid that ends you up in a worse situation than the one you are in now. Don't let yourself be left on the streets or anything. Don't let your mother ruin your life. We are all here for you, Syuu, and we all adore you.

katii-chan, i sympathize. my parental units may not be yelling at me, but they are certainly treating me as if my sadness is ridiculous. apparently, since i never met Dayan face-to-face means i never knew him, or cared about him, and we were never actually friends. bullshit.

i feel so emotionally stunted, living here right now. i can't grieve here. i can't. i'm putting on a fucking act all day to keep the status quo. and the scream inside me just grows louder and louder and i'm going to lose my mind if i keep on like this.

i don't understand why people are so... cold. i can't understand it.

I'm sorry for how life is treating you two, and I can sympathise. I went back into school today and nobody cared. As a matter of fact, I was getting slagged off about it more than once....

I just don't get it either. Why can't people see that it does'nt matter if you actually knew them or not?

i had to go into school today...i tried to go in on wednesday and i just broke down and had to go home after first period...i went in today to talk to my guidance teacher and let him know why i was absent then, on my way to RE to tell my teacher i was going to miss an assessment i was ambushed by a depute rector who went nuts at me for not being in uniform and wearing my boots in school. i started to cry again and told her why i wa in and she told me to go round the rest of the school...find all my teachers...and tell them why i was absent...my RE and maths teachers were alright, RE was all sympathetic and let me rant, maths didnt even ask any questions, i just told her a friend had taken his own life and she told me to go home and sort myself out. but my english teacher was hell...she made me talk to her for at least 20minutes and asked the most horribly personal questions about the whole situation before passing her evidently sound judgement that he was just a wierd troubled teen and it was for the best that i couldnt get to the funeral...she basically told me he wasnt worth worrying about cause i have real life friends...why should i miss someone i found online and never physically met? i swear...i came this close to decking her...

I had to go to scholl on wed. and I got asked by all my teachers at least once what was wrong and when I finaly told them they didn't understand how I could have a friend that I felt so close to yet never met in RL... they all thought that I was just being stupid and that it wasn't a real friendship because I never met him in RL... one teacher told me that if he could take his own life then he prolly deserved it... when he said that I left the class and went to lock out...
for the most part I avoided ppl at school as much as possiable... and now today and tommarow I don't have school then there's the weekend... so I don't have to deal with my school for 4 days....