After a year of fighting my feelings i now realise I've fallen in love. Bigtime. But I've been with my partner for 8 years and we have a gorgeous son together. He doesn't appreciate me as he should, he's moody, lazy and shouts at me a lot. But I wanted to try and make it work for our son's sake. A year ago I met this guy, he's great, funny, considerate, likes everything that I do. But he lives 25 miles away, and I think he wouldn't be ready to take me and my son as a package. I don't know completely how he feels, but he's said things like "in different circumstances we'd be living together" and "why does everything have to be complicated when the end result would be amazing"
I can't sleep for thinking about him, I feel like I'm going slightly mad, I'm 28, I shouldn't be feeling like this.
I'm confused. Help would be good....

being 15(age actually counts for something here), i can't really offer advice as i've been anywhere close to a situation like yours. i can however, offer hugs *hugs the strangerrrr* not much but the sad face requires lotsa hugs

my closest thing to help would be to just talk to the loved guy, explain how you feel and tell him you want to try and make him/you/your little boy work. and no matter what, get away from the old guy. even if he's your boy's father, he seems like he'd do more harm than good.

again, listen to other people more than me...i'm just thinking of me in your place and what i'd do, other people probably have MUCH better insight

*sneaks more hugs*

Thank you *accepts loads a hugs!!*
It's a really difficult situation, coz if iwas single I'd be with this other guy like a shot, but my son adores his dad. I think I will talk to the other guy, coz if I don't Im gonna explode, I can feel it.....

Sounds like you're finding out what you think about your current relationship. Maybe you should concentrate on those thaughts for a while ... get it clear in your head what you want, or dont want...

BTW, I'm sitting here typing this coz I can't sleep, my brain is in overdrive atm....Plus my lover has had his phone nicked, and his computer is playing up so he can only get msn for half an hour....
It never bloody rains with me, i can tell ya...

"I shouldn't be feeling like this"? Humans feel what they feel, dear, be they 10 or 28 or 65, feelings are natural and usually good things. They're your reaction to the world around you.

Now, unless you're trying to say "I shouldn't feel like this because I should be happy with a moody and lazy partner", your statement makes no sense at all. You realize something's wrong with your current relationship and you've found someone who you honestly believe would make your life happier. You're excited about the possibility ahead, but you're worried and nervous over it. Yep. Sounds about what you should be feeling to me.

First of all... accept what you feel completely and don't beat yourself up over feeling it.

Secondly... what to do about your partner. You have to sort out what you want (or don't want) with him before you can really resolve anything. Take that to him, see what happens from there.

Good luck, hon. Hugs and strength to you.

Bah! Dont ask for my advice, I'm a romantic. The world would be a saner place without my type. But, freely given and well meant, my advice would be to do whatever you think will be the best for you in the long run. Not staggeringly good advice, but i did warn u Good luck whatever you decide.

All I wish to contribute is this.

"Staying together for the kids" is a bad, bad thing. I'm a child of separated parents myself. They were always bickering and constantly antagonistic, which was bad for me as a wee lad. Things have got so much better since they separated. I know a lot of children of separated parents, and it's always been a good thing. Happy separated parents is far better than angry together parents.

Ah. Separation. Now THAT i have experience of. After three parental divorces, I guess i can at least say that the happiness of the parents as an item seems to be less important to children than the happiness of each parent with the child. When I was four my mum and dad broke up, and despite it being all out war between them and their new other halves, my sister and I just sorta shrugged it off, and we kept seeing both parents and getting on fine. since then both parents have remarried and split up again, and I have a little brother with a different father and two step-brothers that i never see at all (like at all - my step mum ran away one day and left my dad on his lonesome). My family is more or less just a collection of splinters, but if there's anything I learned its that its NOT a huge crime for the parents to be apart. Kids heal and adapt better than the parents themselves, and even get to enjoy the benefits, like having two christmasses and two birthdays and silly stuff like that. I know a lot of people whose parents split, and none of them have been "scarred for life" for it. Its not a great thing, but it does, as commie said, less damage than you might think. Staying together "for the kids" is irrelivant, when the decision affects the couple infinitely more than the kids.

I wish I knew what to tell you dollface. Commie is right in the "staying together for the kids" doesn't really work. If you do seperate with your partner, just make sure to not down talk his father in front of him and try to let them still have their time together, as well as you having your time with your son. He'll still adore his father if his father stays the person that he adores.

As for this new guy. Obviously something is wrong in your current relationship if these feelings for this other guy are causing such stress. Sometimes the right one comes along when the circumstances aren't pointing in the right direction. Talk it out with him, and with your current partner and see how things work out. Maybe if you do seperate from your current partner, take some time to find yourself and do what's best for you before hooking up with someone else. Perhaps you see this guy as your savior from a bad situation and it would be quite a let down if he turned out not to be that. Then again he could be Mr. Right and everything could work out for the best.

Don't count on my advice though, because we all know my luck in the love department.

If your son loves his dad, who you describe as "moody, lazy and shouting a lot," then who's to say he won't learn to love this new man as much?

As the child of parents who have just gotten out of their second marriages, staying together for the kids isn't a good thing. It just increases the tension in the house, and could make your son really believe that it's his fault.

Do what your heart tells you is best, best wishes.

Thanx so much, all of you, for listening to me rant! *hugs for all*
What you all say makes a lot of sense. Firstly, there are problems in my relationship, ones that I'm not sure can be sorted out.About 6 months ago I told my partner that if he didn't change I would leave. He was in tears. Distraught, begging me not to leave him. So things changed for about a month, and then went back to the normal cruddy state of before.
He's not really physically violent to me anymore but he has been.
Maybe I am looking for an escape, I don't know. He has always given me my freedom, and said that I can sleep with other people, but that made me feel hurt and confused, if you love someone how could you bear to share them??
Sorry if I'm not making a whole lot of sense, sleep deprivation and a hyper kid don't mix well

From my experience, I can honestly say that when I get like this it usually is just me looking for an escape route. I can never truly tell whether I have fallen for the other guy or just the idea of being with someone else. Just something for you to consider. Don't jump straight into another relationship unless you are 100% sure it's right. I know that's fairly obvious but I've cheated on partners before, had the 'other man' fall for me, and then I've realised I didn't want either and I've just hurt two men rather than one. It sucks but I'd like to think I'm more mature now than I was back then.....I hope

He's right Tara. Plus, there are your own feelings to consider as well as your sons.
If he see's you unhappy throughout his childhood, it will rub off on him.

Lots of hugs Tara. You're a wonderful person.

Hugs and many snogs back to you Jennie
I suppose I'm scared of going out on my own, coz he supports me financially, I'm just a poor student. So economics come into the situation too....
I've sworn tho, if he shouts at me in front of Ethan ever again, that'll be it. Finito.
I think deep down in my heart I know what I should do but I'm terrified to do it...

I'll be on-line tonight if you wanna chin wag, k?

Unfortunately Im using his computer coz mines buggered so i better not risk it in case he sees...But thanx anyway angel, it's good to know I can talk to someone when I need to *hugs* Oh btw, when you go to USA, stay away from milk chocolate hershey bars, they are teh rank....

Fairy muff. You know where I am

Grrr, I still haven't been able to speak to my "other man", the waiting is the worst part, I feel like I'm in complete limbo here...

/me jumps in surprise

Corkeroonies, this sounds a bit similar to what I've been through recently!

Tara, honey, I remember ya tellin me ya weren't happy with your man some time ago, that ya were just with him out of habit (forgive me if that wasn't the exact phraseage), so I think things were on the skids a bit back then. You remember I told you you had an impact on my life? Well, I think now, looking back, you made me question whether I was in the right relationship myself even though I was too dumb to realise it at the time...

As some people have already said, if you're in this much stress over your feelings because of this new guy and the old one, then you're pretty much not in the right relationship now. Plus you're right, being given freedom does give you that thought of "how much could they care about me?" I had the same issue.

Fret not, though. As Missy says, you're not stupid to feel this way at 28. Remember, I'm 5 years older than you and I went through exactly the same thing!

I'll tell you what I did - I decided to sleep with the woman I had feelings for, and if I could manage that without feeling guilty then I knew my marriage was over. After I did that with no guilt, I ended my marriage and now I live with the woman in question. I suggest you find something which would help you clarify the position too.

Oh, and that woman has three kids. Trust me on this one, if this guy is really serious about you, then he'll make an effort with Eth cos he wants to be with you. But please let him know it's not easy being a dad - I've been one for the last four months and I'm bloody knackered!! But it is fun being a dad, I must admit!

You have my email addy if ever you want to talk or anything. I know I've not been the best of email buddies, but I do care about what happens to you, and I think I still owe you for helping me out all those months ago

/me gives many many hugs to me firstest e-wife

Leo, you are such a star, and I love you loads
I think you are an incredible man to take on a ready made family, and shes a very lucky gal!!!
Yeah, I've been moaning about my relationship for a while now haven't I?? I think I'm stuck and as each day goes by the will to leave gets less and less. Like I said, when I wanted to leave last time and I had all manner of emotional blackmail thrown at me, like he said he'd tell the court that I was an unfit mother because I have clinical depression. Well B******s to that, I know I'm an amaaaaazing mum!!! Suicide was also mentioned, so he has me right where he wants me, because an ex of mine killed himself after I left him. I feel so trapped Leo, I dunno which way to turn.
I do love the guy I'm with, but it's not the same love that we had at the start. I know love changes and grows more stable as the relationship goes on, but I guess this is more of a mate kind of love. I have no sexual feelings towards him at all (not surprising really considering what a bastard he can be at times....)
B******s, I really feel like getting royally pissed...

You guys have been together for 8 years and there's no sexual feeling towards him... I had that after 7 and a bit with my ex-missus. We're both a bit on the young side to be in relationships where there's no sex after such a short time. Yeah, I also can draw a parallel with the friend love thing too. I think love does change, but it's supposed to stay somewhat in the realms of a desire to be together. You don't want to stay, so it's already on a loser.

So my advice is this: Do what you need to do to make you happy. Nobody else can do that for you. And don't concern yourself with what other people think, their opinion is not important right now!

I'm guessing this means you'll want to leave him.

Basically, you need to muster up all your courage and strength, tell him to get the f**k out of your life, and move on without him. It'll be harder to do with having the little 'un to worry about, especially if he wants to see his dad, but you have the advantage that you're single, you're not tied to him, you CAN just leave! Try working on a plan of how you're going to go, and prepare something in case you need to counter any application for custody. My guess he won't bother, cos he most likely sees you as the mother and can't be arsed with the work required to raise a child properly. But in any case, make notes of the blackmails, the violence, the shouting, all that stuff. Maybe it can't be linked definitely to your condition, but if you were diagnosed after you started seeing him, it might just work in your favour! Anyway, a friend of mine lost custody of his kid to his ex wife, and she's a right head case, so you should have no problems at all! Oh, and since he's the legal father, once you win custody you can get the CSA to force him to pay for Eth's needs if he gets arsey. I don't mind the CSA when they stamp on fathers who should do the right thing.

It sounds to me like Rik doesn't want you either, but he'd rather you didn't have anyone else. This is a power thing. My GF has the same problems with her ex-husband. I can see the pattern, and I'm pretty sure you'll get hassle off him in the future as a result. And don't be surprised if he tries to poison Eth against you either.

Please, DON'T TRY AND DO THIS ON YOUR OWN!! Make sure you have friends and (if possible) family around you. It takes a lot of courage to walk away from a guy like this, and you'll be too mentally exhausted to maintain your strength if you go it alone. Keep talking to people, let them keep reminding you that you've done what's best for YOU! I'm here if you need me, any time.

Sorry if this all sounds a bit doom and gloom. I'm not gonna dress it up, I'd rather you went into this with your eyes wide open, you'll stand a much better chance if you have an idea of what you might be up against.

Stay strong, honey. I know you can do this, I believe in you. And I know Eth will be just fine as well.

Thanx for the sound advice Lee, the problem I have at the moment is not being able to think straight because of my feelings for the other guy.
I think I have given Rik too many chances, theres no future in this relationship because he doesn't want to make a firm commitment to me, he's already called off our engagement 2 or 3 times now.
I need to get Yule and new year out of the way before I can make any hard and fast choices about what I'm gonna do, although if truth be told I think I already know the answer....

Prolly a good idea for now, get past crimbo first.

But for now put the other chap out of yer head. He's only confusing the issue. I had the same problem when I left my wife. It would've been a damn sight easier if I tackled them individually.

/me uberhugs

Take care of yerself, sweetheart.