I've been having this discussion with a lot of people lately upon realizing some pretty big things about myself. I understand that I am a highly emotional person who thinks more with her heart than her head and that the way I react to my life, while healthy for me in the sense that I have very few repressed feelings, also has the ability to hurt me and others. I'm intense and I'm painfully honest, and with all things, this has good and bad effects on the world around me.

However. I honestly would not mind that part about myself - it's a trade-off that I'm willing to work with - if I didn't feel like I was constantly under attack from my friends. I just finished another lovely conversation in which I was told, once again, that I should change from my emotional ways, because there are "better ways of going about things".

I constantly hear this from my friends, and it is very frustrating. I can understand not being fond of my flaws and disliking me because of them, but trying to change me? Don't understand that at all. You either like a person for who they are or you don't, good and bad, plain and simple. The reason they often give is that because the way I am causes myself pain, and they want to "save" me from my pain.

I don't know. To me, to hear this only serves to undermine the confidence I hold in myself and severely affects my ability to communicate with other people, as all I do is worry about how I'm going to sound and whether my friends are going to get on my case again...

Truth be told, I like me, and if I wanted to change, I would do so. But people won't accept this as my choice, and are always out to save me... I know that they aren't out to hurt me further (they are claiming to try and accomplish the opposite), but that's really all it does for me. I'd prefer that my friends love me for me, regardless of my flaws. Perhaps that's an unrealistic expectation, to hope for unconditional love our of others, but it truly is what I'd wish for.

And now, the questions for discussion:

What are your thoughts on the roles of friends in shaping one's personality?

Does criticism of one's personality flaws serve to help, to harm, or both?

Does unconditional love exist? If so, in what context?

Discuss.

well I'm not sure this qualifies as changing someone, I used to be friends with a girl (she became a bit of a bitch later - sorry to say) and she used to be HORRIBLY blunt at the wrong time, just insensitive and blurting out the first thing in her head. Now is telling her to think before she speaks (not in a horrible way, usually with a smile on my face) in difficult and emotional circumstances telling her to change her personality or using her common sense?

Aysha xxx

Well, first off, friends usually, from what I have seen, shape a person's personality only if that person is open minded, or wants to fit in. Sometimes being around certain friends will cause some of their personality traits to "rub off" on one, good or bad. I am victim of that, but I realize that now, and now I look for friends that do not try to change me, and people I can be myself around. I like me, and don't like people that try to change me to what they want.

Now criticism of certain personality flaws may be helpful, but a lot of the time, even if it is meant in all ways for the best, it harms the person because basically the friend is saying, "I do not like this about you and if you don't change it..." Or something along those lines. Let me use an example from my own experience, I recently lost a friend due to a change in emotions on their part. I told her she was being extremely rude and sarcastic and making me feel like sh-t. She just threw out more sarcasm, and laughed at me. Now, if she hasn't realized, I am not talking to her because I don't want to put up with being hurt so badly. In this case, the criticism of a friends personality harmed me instead of them, but in a way it harmed them because they lost me.

Now, unconditional love is something that I believe exists, but only in people that acctually care and think about people other than themselves. Again, I'm using that friend as an example. I have no reason to care for her anymore, I have no reason to feel anything for her because of the way she makes me feel, but do I just hate her full on now? No, I still care for her and love her, but do I have a reason to? I don't find a reason, but I still care about her... A lot. Unconditional love is something that is, in my opinion, something hard to find in today's society. It is doing a favor for a person with no motive. I do that all the time, and do I recieve thanks? No. Do I get anything out of it? In a way I do, but at the same time? No I don't. To me its doing a favorable thing for a person without expecting anything in return.

What are your thoughts on the roles of friends in shaping one's personality?: Well, obviously the people you are around a lot are going to influence you. But I think that if they try excessively to change you...then they aren't that good of a friend. I try to not do this with my friends...oddly enough I do it more with people who are only acquaintances. It's one thing to admit that you have personality flaws...but trying to get you to change them all the time? Hmm. I might say to someone who angers quickly to please try to not take things so seriously on a special occasion so there won't be any fighting...but I don't want them to change forever. I became friends with them because of who they are...not because of who I thought I could turn them into.

Does criticism of one's personality flaws serve to help, to harm, or both?: It can be very harmful in some situations...but it others it can be helpful. I think it's best when..rather than being overly critical...the friend simply talks about the flaws and doesn't say they are good or bad. That's what I try to do anyway...and usually only when the other person brings it up by saying something about one of their faults. I'd admit that the fault does exist, and then we'd talk about it further if they wanted. At least, that's what I try to do. Sometimes I can end up criticizing, but I try to stay away from that because I know that I cannot take criticism at all, and I shouldn't dish it out if I can't take it in return.

Does unconditional love exist? If so, in what context?: Yes, I think so. In many contexts -- among families, friends, and in couples. But I think it's also not all that common. A lot of people want to mold their loved ones into what they want them to be...instead of just loving them for who they are. I'm flawed too -- I try to love my friends, etc, unconditionally...but sometimes fail miserably.

What are your thoughts on the roles of friends in shaping one's personality?
Well really they ought not to as much as they should but i no they do quite a bit. Example; i no that being round certain friends (mentioning no names) has made me less able to concentrate on the positive side i have a better sense of humour (if i don't say so myself - which i do)

Does criticism of one's personality flaws serve to help, to harm, or both?
It really depends on the person criticising and being critcisied, the flaws and the extent/ the critcism itself. Really u can't say wheter it will do either or both; it really depends. Personally i think criticism is better than otherwise tho; esp 4 ppl like me who can't take hints (ie men), of course it does hurt on impact & too much critcism is vdetrimental (tho my parents hav the best intentions in mind, constantly highlighting weakness' in grades is NOT helpful) but without criticism of obvious faults how do we no how 2 improve? I no from experience self-assesment is a long process that can easily draw wrong conclusion compared 2 jst on impression of a stranger

Does unconditional love exist? If so, in what context?
Hmmm... well unconditional love can exist anywhere really; b it in a friendship, relationship or family(ship) It is of course v dif. 2 c it existing tho it does; it takes catastrophic events that never normally happen 2 c it and that has bin shown in history but i feel there is always some reasonable limit to it and we ought to talk in terms of reasonably unconditional; totally unconditional is another matter - if ure partner changed into the exact opposite of everything u married them 4 gave u nothing in return 4 ure hard work, slept with other ppl etc... then probably not. Tho if it was only the latter then thats understanable. Of course it seems to exist less & less these days with high divorce rates and immorality with things more about money and not ppl.

What are your thoughts on the roles of friends in shaping one's personality?
I have a friend who is overly emotional, and the stupidest things make her blow up. Now, I'm an upfront person, so I tell her to grow up. I'm not trying to change her, I'm just trying to tell her that she is really overreacting, and it's not a big deal. It doesn't really help, but it's nice to know that if she gives it some thought she might realise what I'm saying. I don't like people who dump all their problems on me.

I, personally, would love for someone to point out my flaws. I think that if someone tells you of a bad habit to get rid of it isn't trying to change your personality..

Me and my friends talk and laugh the same way now, but I don't think I've changedas a person at all...

Does criticism of one's personality flaws serve to help, to harm, or both?
Both. You can hurt someone by insulting them, but constuctivce critisism, if taken the right way, can be a big help to some people..

Unconditional love does not exist. Ever. In my opinion...

Does unconditional love exist? If so, in what context?


Yes. There are things about relationships with peers that can be quite tricky to deal with. The problem is that we're all in this battle to find ourselves, a lot of time people do try hard to fit in or whatever. They come up with criticisms in their friends. But it all really boils down to their own insecurities. You can love someone, but the next minute their back is turned or something, and you lose faith that the love is there. Unconditional love takes a certain amount of understanding. And it does exist. It happens when we mature enough to realize through experience what it is like to go through certain things in life. Like you may have family members that offer unconditional love, because no matter how many mistakes you make, and no matter how much you may fight you still care for eachother. It's all about compassion really. If you have compassion toward the world you have unconditional love for all living things. But it's something that you have to come to the understanding of. I have friends, and mostly it's my online friends who give me unconditional love, because a lot of them are older, and understand me like the people around me, and even myself do not. Right now, I have broken up with my boyfriend, but that doesn't change that I love him as a person, just because I feel I cannot be with him. Even though I am breaking his heart, and that's breaking mine, it really doesn't disprove my love. I am allowing us to grow as people. Love is not something that happens in the heat of a moment. It's something that, if we look inside ourselves, we have for everything in our lives. If we are mature enough to love ourselves, we are mature enough to love everything else. Anyway, that's just my vague comprehension of what it is.

Does criticism of one's personality flaws serve to help, to harm, or both?

I think that it does both. I think that criticising really can help to show things in our actions that aren't apparent to us. However they can help both the criticized and criticiser see what they are doing and how they are causing harm. I think that there is constructive criticism and then there is excess. In that case it's a flaw itself to be criticising so harshly. People can be really harsh, which really does do more harm than help. But if someone takes the time to let you see for yourself the errors, it is a good thing if you can work on that. But some people just get impulsive towards things that really shouldn't be all that important.