Right now I'm having small issues. I'm trying to get back into shape for the summer, as I'm working as a summer camp leader in the mountains. But I have no motivation whatsoever. I can bike, or skip for 5 minutes, and then I just get bored, and fed up. And at the same time, I absolutely hate myself for it. I mean, it's just part of my whole self-hatred thing. I hate the way I look, I hate the way I act sometimes, I just hate being me. I hate feeling like I have to get fit, I hate not being fit, I hate being last at everything. I hate being mediocre at everything. I just feel like I'm stuck in a rut, where I can't change anything, but I know that I should, and I know that I should be able to.
I don't even know why I'm working at the summer camp. I like working with the kids alot, don't get me wrong. I love being in the mountains. But it's not my life, and for everyone else out there it is their life. And I feel out of place, and freakish there. I'm not social 24/7, and it seems like some people expect me to be. And I don't mind if people talk about me, as long as I can't hear it. If someone is talking about you, and you're within hearing range, it absolutely sucks. Some of the people out there are fine. They're lovely people. They don't understand why I want to be on my own though. And I don't know how to explain it to them.
And then you get stuck into this rut, where people expect things of you. Expect you to act a certain way. And so you do, even though you don't want to. But you can't really change, because if you do anything, they'll interpret it this certain way, because it's impossible that you could change.
Sigh. It's late, and I'm depressed. Hurrah. I just felt like venting. No real need to respond.