No, I thought that the coffin thing was too much information, but feel free to post it in the useless one. Although in my line of work, one has to know these things.

(I think that the ultimate human would have both a vagina and a penis, thus making it fairer, and much more fun. Also, it might resemble an elephant's trunk and mouth somewhat, which would be quite funny)

Your sister has a penis under her bed? How convenient! (Sorry, couldn't resist...)

Oh, My... Being 30 already I should know by now that when you plan to have sex, you never get any...

By the way, the first time I went to England, I lived for two and a half months in Grasmere, Lake District. Thank you for bringing me back so many painful memories, Little Bear... five years of psycoanalisis (not sure about the spelling) thrown to the dustbin.

I am planning to buy myself a thing I saw in a sex shop the other day, it's a dildo you attach to the shower tap and it's full of little holes, so it fills you up with warm water when you insert it in your body. Well, I was with my flatmate, so maybe I will just wait for my birthday and see if he is kind enough to buy it for me...

Nerny nerny ner!
I kept having sexy flashbacks whilst I was at work today. Not suitable...

To be fair, if I have to listen to you go on about massive cocks ...

Anyway, don't mention it ; I aim to please.

And it's "Psychoanalysis", I believe.

I just reached for a cookie, and wound up with a mouth full of fireants! My mortal enemies! I don't know whether to be grossed out, or chalk up a victory... Eat MY stomach acid for a change, you little monsters! Bwah ha ha! (Evil laugh).

Thank you, it's just one of those English words with too many "ys" and an "h" in the middle of nowhere logical...

And I said HUGE, not MASSIVE.

The last lay I got was on 6/25/05 and it was probably the worst lay in existance. She wasn't exactly attractive and the sex was really bad. *shudder*

I got a booty call on Monday night and got to look at gothgirl porn with him. Mmmm Fun night!

I just had one of the greatest nights of my life, and it didn't include any sex.

You guys think that's bad? One night when I was bored I decided to try a hair removal method that a friend used. So I bought this dipilitory (sp?) powder that you mix with water (It's meant to go on guy's faces, actually) and then you use a cake spatula to spread it out over the area you would like hairless.

I thought I might leave it on a little extra time just to make sure that it all came off...

I burnt my cookie and I will never use a product that wasn't intended to go on it again.

I used to model in porn magazines.

My brother in law almost saw them by accident once.

Sometimes when the 'Big Bosses' at work piss me off, I sneak into their bathroom and take a dump.

This thread rocks, I've read the whole thing bored at work... Just an observation though- It started out with people telling you stuff that they would otherwise be embarrassed to share and it has become the sex bragging/whining thread. I want more bodily fluids, more juicy nasty stuff too.

I am occasionally obsessed with grooming (read plucking things out of) jonman's face.

I was more than half a lesbian before I got married.

Sometimes I pretend to blow raspberries on the ferret's bellies.

I dropped some cheese on the floor, wrapped it up, and put it back in the fridge the other day.

I purposely make bad tea for people I don't care about so that they wont ask me again.

I got bitten right right between my boobs, by an insect. All but one of my bras aggitated it. So now it's big and red and not too long ago I squezzed loads of puss out -I really enjoyed it too.

Oh baby, you know you want me

Wait till it starts to leave a hole that's the really fun bit cause that's what happened to the one I had.

What's more than half a lesbian?

Anyway, yesterday I found a free hentai site with really horrible images on it, but I was so intrigued/confused/captivated that I went through the whole thing. My brother was in the room the whole time playing video games.

There, kisah. Sick enough?

pfft.....your comp is too far away from the videogames to be that sick

Damn....I have to learn to stop posting here......erm, ok.

I currently have 4.2 gigs of hentai on my comp- all of it DVD quality

*chokes on orange juice*

Jonman: 1 The Rest: 0

Whats so bad about dropping food off the floor? I often do that. Infact, I've even licked the cloakroom floor at school. But then again, I've licked most things at my school: the windows, several of my friends, several computer keyboards...

I've been known to eat things that have been in other people's mouths...

I sucked someones tongue once. That was in her mouth.

Oh and I've got nookie from up against a Cathedral before.

Two-thirds of a Lesbian?

I should hope so... If her Tongue Wasn't in her mouth... wouldn't that qualify as necrofilia? Or a lunch at a very nasty deli...

I have never had 'nookie', or wrestled anyone's tongue, nor even kissed a *shock* girl!

Beat that mofos.

Isn't necrophilia having sex with dead bodies? I'm not sure I get the 'joke'.

Does that mean you've kissed...
*Nah* I can't do it. This joke/innuendo is just WAY too easy... I have a reputation to uphold...

*Ahem* common sense... If the tongue ain't attached, odds are good it's dead... You've never eaten tongue?

I burned the backs of my left-hand fingers making tea the day before my piano recital and they swelled up massively. I squeezed out what felt like a gallon of nasty clear fluid and my fingers looked like filthy undercooked sausages. The clear stuff oozed for hours, but my uber-hard recital duet went perfectly. I had to wipe my fingers directly afterwards because all the playing made the clear pus flow out like diseased water. The backs of those fingers still look a bit red.
How do you like them body fluids?

What? Kissed a boy? Of course! I'm a raving mad homosexual Quoth.

Reminds me. I once did a dare where my friend had an ice cube in his mouth and then he had to pass it to my mouth. I sucked the ice cube and passed it back. He sucked the ice cube and... etc

I continue to encourage my friends to have sex in my brother's room. I'm still appalled at how many times he's said, "Oh, just go into my brother's room. It's cool."

I may have mentioned this, but I really, really, really want to have sex as Tragick. I'm not sure why. Maybe because it'll be a milder form of role-playing. Maybe the idea of screwing a chick as a clown is somehow gratifying to me. That and I think it would be funny as Hell to call someone a clown f*cker and have it be legit.

It squirms with delight.

I just put my right pinkie as far up my right nostril as I could to see if I could get it to go all the way. Alas, I need practice. I used to be able to get the second knuckle in.

I know I mentioned this in the FREAKS NEEDED thread, but in the spirit of this thread, I thoguth I'd bring it up.

Actually, a boy kissing a boy is well within the normal range, as far as I'm concerned... (Under the heading of, "Whatever floats your boat")... I don't think you WANT to know what my imagination can come up with as abnormal kissing...

I'll probably regret asking this, but I'm immensly curious. What else could you do for abnormal kissing?

Toothbrushes in the average Bathroom contain traces of the same Bacteria that infests fecal matter... (Saw it on Mythbusters...)

Blowing on food kills all known germs. It's true.

Whilst on holiday, I accidently cut both my index fingers then squeezed blood from one cut to the other. I also bled (from my shoulder this time) into my cousin's t-shirt and didn't tell her.

well, I knew that saliva is mildly anti-bacterial (One of the reasons we tend to instinctively place damaged digits in our mouths...), but I'm not sure that blowing on food will disenfect it...

I have all these gnarly self-induced scars on my left upperarm.

I could have gotten laid on my first date with one of my exes, but she had to be at home by midnight. SHe told me, "I want to rape you so bad...but I can't." SHe eventually did in the back seat of my Mercedes (pre-explosion) behind her high school. THis woman is now one of my best friends.

My older sister's neighbor has a small mouth and sharp teeth.

Three women I'd give anything to bone are Carrie Fisher, Pam Grier and Stevie Nicks. I don't care how old they are; they're hot.

- Me too

Last week I didn't shower for four days straight.

I threw up the first time a boy wanted to sleep with me. On his bedroom floor. He told his mother the dog did it, but I don't know how she would have believed that because I had a BIG plate of nachos shortly before going over there. We're talking a HUGE puddle. And it was a little dog...it could've drowned in it.

I once made someone laugh so hard that he coughed up something foul looking on the duvet we were sitting on. It just sorta flew out of his mouth and landed next to me, mid-laugh.

Most times I've had sex I came two or three times. I'm talented like that.

I think the record was four or five during actual sex, I've lost count on my own. >_>

Beat that for bodily fluids.

Moop just reminded me in IRC of some more gross stories I have!

As many know, I camped in moop and snoo's garden for most of my stay in England. I had a nice little airbed in my tent to sleep on. I was going to give it away at the end of summer, but something tragic happened. The most explosive period of my life. I normally have an idea of when Aunt Flo is gonna visit, but no sir. Not that month. So I woke up around 3 AM, absolutely SOAKED from belly button to knees. I am not exagerrating here, it was an ordeal not getting anything on snoo's tent and getting into the house to change. My poor airbed was scarred for life.

My feet peel. I have really bad feet, and I tend to get a lot of blisters. I try to just leave them alone, and I occasionally use a pumice stone to get all the loose skin off. Moop, however, cannot seem to let it go if there is a loose piece of skin. He just has to reach over and pull it. One time his fingers proved insufficient at grabbing it, and so he used his teeth. Amazingly, I still kiss him after this...

Alright, moop. I'll take your challenge.

When I first learned to masturbate, I had twenty six orgasms. TWENTY SIX. In one day. Needless to say, I couldn't walk afterwards.

When I have sex, I usually make my girlfriend orgasm eight to ten times before I go once. I can cum up to five times when it's been a while; twice when we're doing it normally, but twice means that it'll be about three hours minimum for the go time.

That is indeed a lot of fluid. Did you need a bucket?

Though I don't know if either of you have beaten me and my airmattress story. That needed a bucket, I tell you.

When I was gathering the rest of my things out of my ex's apartment, I saw two toothbrushes in the bathroom (his and his current girlfriend's). I'd moved out about two weeks before, and he hadn't cleaned the toilet since I left.

Are you seeing where this is going?

Yep. I scrubbed at the brown stuff caked on the toilet with the toothbrushes. It was petty, childish, disgusting, and probably exposed them both to some rather unpleasant bacteria. I loved every minute of it. I also spat in almost everything in the fridge.

Of corse you out did them Cand it was about periods if us females go anywhere near that in conversation the males run for the hills. There probably all trying to pretend it's not there at the moment.

and as for the toothbrush and spitting thing petty but I congratulate you on a job well done.

I just need a bit of clarification here, do you mean you stay erect inbetween orgasms? Or that in the space of say a few hours of being in the sac with a person, you can come upto five times?




OMFGLMFAOBBQ! Dude, that was bare jokes!

Heh. I have done this to many people. One being Snug's boyfriend a few years ago, who was a complete tosser. The other was this lad who was a housemate of my then best friend... He and this other girl treated her awfully (to the extent that she felt confined to her room - they were truly evil), so his toothbrush made a trip around the toilet bowl.

It gets better (or worse?), though. We were sat making jokes about urinating in their food... I, being the interesting side of drunk, decided this was a fantastic idea, grabbed a bowl, did the business, introduced it to their food supplies. Soy sauce, pasta, tea bags... Everything. I was most satisfied when I awoke in the morning to find Evil Girl and her equally as evil mother enjoying a nice cup of tea...

I'm pretty sickening...

He meant the former. He can make them happen so close together (if he wants) that I would even call them multiple. Though they can be a lot more spread out too...but having excessive time to spend in bed is a rare thing that only happens when we're in hotels ( ). In spite of what snoo may suspect, we've never had sex when she's been home.

Aheeem. Anyway! Back to vile bodily functions. I tend to throw up when I'm really nervous. Or I used to, anyway. Now I just get a little nauseous, but when I was a teenager my mouth would start sweating and I'd have to periodically swallow little bits of bile...and if it was something big I was nervous about, I'd inevitably ACTUALLY have to throw up. It was not pretty. I threw up about 30 minutes before my first kiss, cause I knew he was going to kiss me. Luckilly I had my toothbrush and toothpaste handy...

And lmfao FU...wow. It's probably a good thing I didn't get drunk whilst packing up my things, or I may have considered something similar.